


Non-Stop

by writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle (twoandahalfslytherins)



Series: Addict is not a Personality Flaw [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Bisexual Character, College AU, D/s themes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Previous/off-screen: John Laurens/Alexander Hamilton, Rated For Violence, Repeated Themes of: Self harm, Saviorism, Secondary Couple: Lafayette/John Laurens, Sexual Trauma and Addiction, hinted Poly relationship to come, sex as self harm, std fairs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-11 12:37:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 109
Words: 125,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5626945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoandahalfslytherins/pseuds/writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander Hamilton never intended to get hooked on drugs when he entered college, but writing papers was the most reliable way he knew to get cash. And the most reliable way to get more work done, well, that was uppers. He was doing his best to tread water, get his own work and everyone else's done along the way when his dealer got spooked and refused to play ball with him anymore.</p><p>Aaron Burr was just a sophomore student trying to keep his head down and not draw any attention to himself, a hard thing to do when rooming with Thomas Jefferson's middle man, James Madison. </p><p>A goal that became even more impossible when he made the rash decision to help Alex get sober in the wake of being left dealer-less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

[From: Macaroni Man  
8:25 PM

No.]

[From: Macaroni Man  
8:32 PM

I gave you direct orders last time not to take them all at once.  
You did it anyway.]

[From: Mad Hatter  
8:35 PM

'tell on you'  
what are you?  
5?]

[From: Macaroni Man  
8:39 PM

I refuse to aid and embed your self-destruction.  
you narcissistic twat.]

Alexander was vibrating.

From anger, because despite what Thomas-fucking-Jefferson thought, he did not have a problem. If anything, Jefferson should have been happy with all the business that Alexander brought in. Grateful for the fact that Alexander didn't bother finding another drug dealer, one who didn't try and limit his use, after all, there had to be plenty of others on campus who would take his money. 

Except there weren't. The campus seemed to be infected with this breed of 'ethical' drug dealers, many of which refused Alexander on the principle. Everyone knew he was writing papers for cash, and with his too thin figure and the fact that it was rare to see him consuming anything other than caffeine, everywhere he turned around he was getting pressure to get clean and spend the money on food instead. They didn't understand that for Alex to have money he needed to keep writing, and to keep writing at the speed that he was, he had to have uppers. He wasn't even particularly picky about which ones. The only thing he hadn't tried yet was Heroin and coke, whether because of the cost or the possible side effects even Hamilton wasn't sure.

Alexander hadn't set out to do this many drugs. But he was a scholarship kid, and it had started out as small favors. Writing papers for an upper classman named Lafayette in return for food, mostly. And then word had gotten out and he'd gained other 'clients' and it was too complicated to try and just go with them at meal times, so everyone paid up front. Cash. And that had been fine too, until one day he'd gotten more orders than he could take. Jefferson had approached him in need of a history paper and Alex had snapped. At the time it had seemed like fate, because instead of getting pissed, Jefferson offered a simple exchange. Pills for papers, pills for cash, whatever it was that he needed to keep going. And sure, soon after he might have stopped eating as much, and sure, he rarely slept but Alex was fine. Still keeping up with his own work on top of everyone else's, even still attending his classes. Up until now, Jefferson hadn't cared, in fact, Alex was almost positive that he still didn't care about Alex's health, no matter how much he framed it that way. No, Jefferson was spooked at the possibility of an overdose getting him exposed.

As if Alexander would overdose. He was too careful for that, he just had a higher tolerance than everyone else- that was all. And despite whatever it was that Madison had told Thomas, he hadn't taken all of the pills at once. Even he wasn't stupid enough to use the rest of his stash all at once. Alex fired off a text, and then another, and when it appeared that Thomas was done responding for the evening, Alex grabbed his coat.

Madison lived in a dorm nearby, and if the man couldn't be talked sense into regarding continuing to be his supplier, the least he could do was give Alex a smaller amount to tide him over until he found another dealer. Not that Alex would frame it that way, he was already formulating his speech about being willing to get clean in his head, working the various angles, trying to find the one that would make Madison most sympathetic to his plight. And if not sympathetic, worried that Alex's withdrawals would bring just as much attention as a possible overdose might.

The night air should have been cold, but Alex couldn't find it in himself to actually notice as he banged on the dorm's glass door. Thankfully the RA on duty was one of the Schuyler sisters, Peggy if he remembered correctly, and while she wasn't the fondest of him, she still let him in with only a minor fuss, demanding that he tell Laurens to let him next time. Alexander smiled charmingly, making his promises and knowing all the same that he wouldn't. Laurens had specifically banned him from this building, once he realized which room he was stopping in after their chats. Which was frankly hypocritical, Alexander thought, considering some of John's extracurricular activities. Drugs or fighting, both brought a rush and both of them had their necks on the line with what they did in their free time. Laurens couldn't flaunt some moral superiority just because his wasn't illegal, especially considering he was more likely to end up in the hospital that Alex was.

James Madison lived on the third floor, and Alex quickly made his way to the stairs, darting up them with the assumption that at least this would be a way to burn off some of his excess energy, and lower his chances of being seen by his friend. Besides, it meant he could hide the shakes from earlier in the panting, even as he beat on Madison's door. If that bastard thought that Alex was going to go away just because wasn't answered immediately, then he had something else coming to him. Alexander could clearly hear someone moving around in the room, which only made him beat harder, almost falling forward when the door finally did happen.

Except it wasn't James that opened the door, but Aaron Burr, looking thoroughly unamused as Alexander took the opportunity to force his way into the room, still intent on trying to find Madison so that he could get his next fix. He was all the way inside by the time he realized that the other man wasn't simply sitting on the bed or in a previously unseen corner. 

"Shit, Burr, where the fuck is he?" It wasn't his most eloquent statement, but it wasn't as if Burr could still be operating under delusions about what kind of man he's living with, and as such, what Alex was after.

Aaron's answer was a clipped, "With Jefferson, at his house." 

At least it was an answer, Alex turned to start towards the door, muttering under his breath as he did, "Alright.... Jefferson lives on Monticello street. got it. Just gotta go there then."

Alexander was stopped when the door shut with a definitive click, and he gave Burr a bewildered look as the man leaned against it, "Do you even know where Monticello is? And how are you going to get there?"

It was a ridiculous question, and Alex rubbed at his arms, finding it hard to think past the sound of his own heart drumming in his ears, "I'll walk."

Burr still didn't move, looking more and more displeased as the moment stretched on, "You're barefoot. You even notice that or are you too strung out? Sit down while I text James and try to figure out what to do with you."

"Do with me?" It was an indignant snarl, tinged with panic.

Burr watched him, eyes flickering towards Alex's hands and he can't help but wonder if Aaron was worried he might take a swing at him in order to get out, or if he was just lost in thought, trying to remember something, "Your RA would be... Hercules Mulligan- am I right? You aren't fit to be walking around right now. You can sit down while I think or I can just call him."

it wasn't fair, none of it was fair, and still, Alex sat.


	2. Chapter 2

[From: Jimmy M.  
8:50 PM

you let him in??????]

[From: Jimmy M.  
8:53 PM

not my problem.]

[From: Asshole  
8:55 PM

No I don't know what he took.  
He's not my problem.  
Don't text me again.]

[From: Jimmy M.  
8:57 PM

ask him?????  
i was his dealer not his friend.]

[From: Jimmy M.  
9:01 PM

hes your problem now.  
gonna have to keep him overnight  
if youre serious  
he wont like the price  
esp consider no one wants his $$$  
but if hes desperate enough  
hell find someone with something.]

The boy sitting on his bed, HIS bed, because apparently Alexander Hamilton didn't even have the common courtesy to sit in a chair or on Madison's bunk, was shifting restlessly and Aaron almost felt sorry for him. He had no way of knowing when the last time Alex had taken something, much less what it was, but the involuntary muscle contractions didn't look pleasant.

After a particularly painful twitch, Burr sighed as he pocketed his phone, "Madison isn't coming back tonight. He seemed particularly apathetic about your current condition."

"Shit, " Alex swore, "That means he won't give me some to ....... You're his roommate. There's no way he took everything with him. There's got to be something here," before Aaron could stop him the smaller man was up on his feet, heading towards the dresser drawer set, flinging open the top drawer and searching.

Aaron groaned, asking himself again why he cared about whether or not Alex got himself into any more trouble tonight. Without thinking about it, he reached out, snatching Alex's arm and jerking the man towards him, "That's my underwear you were just going through if you don't mind. He doesn't keep extra here, Jefferson doesn't trust that I won't snitch."

Which was probably smart of Thomas, considering how often Aaron thought about pulling the plug on the entire operation. Right now though, fingers digging harder and harder into Alex's arm in an attempt to keep the other man from tearing apart his room, was probably the closest he'd ever come to actually blowing the whistle. Screw needing evidence, all he'd have to do was march twitchy pants there downstairs and wait for everything to come bubbling out of Alex's mouth.

Another jerk and Burr adjusted his grip, using both hands to force the other man to his tip toes, "What in the world did you take, anyway?"

The rapid blinking, the look of confusion and Burr couldn't help stare at him in horror, "Do you not keep track of the shit you put in your mouth?"

If Burr had known a year ago what it would mean when Madison approached him with an offer to be roommates, Aaron would have turned him down, even if it had just been the usual dealer business, people in and out of the room at bizarre hours and the like. However, had he known that it would involve feeling responsible for a reckless freshman, he might have done them both a favor and decked Madison then. Not that Aaron went around picking fights, he typically kept his nose out of everything, determined to keep a low profile at all costs. That was part of what had caused Madison to ask him in the first place.

"You planning on letting me go anytime soon? I let you call Madison. Madison doesn't give a shit, neither should you." Alex was snarling, "and I'll have you know I haven't put anything in my mouth today."

Apparently Burr had spent too much time gaping at him, apparently his stare of disgust and confusion misunderstood, because he watched as Alex's mouth went slack and a tongue darted out and traced his bottom lip, "We could change that. If it'll get you to let me go..."

Madison's message echoed in his head, the comment about no one taking Alex's money anymore, about how Alex wouldn't like the price but he'd find what he needed anyway. Burr almost dropped Alex then, suddenly feeling dirty, "You're going to put something in your mouth alright. Food and water."

There was something off about Alex's smile before he responded, "Aw, want the boyfriend experience? I can call you baby. Or daddy, if that's what you're into."

Aaron counted backward from ten, and then again from five, "Promise me that when I let you go, you'll stay."

"And if I don't promise?"

"Then I tie you to the bed." It was almost an empty threat, but honestly at this point Aaron had already invested so much energy into Alex it seemed ridiculous to just let him run out the door now. Madison had said that he'd need to keep Alex occupied for the night if he wanted to get him through the worst of whatever this was and while Aaron didn't exactly have a large amount of experience amusing addicts, surely he was capable of that.

However, it was the wrong thing to say because Alexander's eyebrows were wiggling, "Oh daddy, didn't know you were so kinky."

"I can still call Mulligan." Finally Aaron had stumbled across something that sobered Alex up immediately, so to speak, the other man gulping as he glanced around the room.

"I'll let you go but if you dart out that room? I've got Mulligan's number. We were project partners in history last year, and even if he doesn't remember who I am- I'm sure he'd be real interested in knowing one of the boys in his dorm was sniffing around Jefferson." The thought of what Hercules Mulligan would do to Thomas was almost enough to make Burr consider texting him no matter what.

Alex nodded, looking as serious as Burr had ever seen him, and it was enough of a reassurance that he finally let the smaller man go, feeling guilting when Alexander's hands went up to immediately rub where his fingers had been digging. Aaron had a bad feeling that if Alexander took off his coat, he'd be able to see the beginnings of purpling skin where he'd grabbed him so roughly. He hadn't meant to be so harsh, but it had been the only thing he'd known to do.

The longer they stood in silence, the more awkward it became, especially when Alexander's twitching started back up, "Look, if you're worried about me being out and about, you could walk me to my dorm and leave me there."

It wasn't antagonizing, as the sexual comments had been, but Burr wasn't a fool, "So you can leave again? Go out and harass people until you find someone willing to give you what you want. Willing to give them whatever in hopes that you can sate your itch? Are you really prepared for that, man? To be shoved against a wall somewhere, or on your knees, nose buried in someone else's stomach? For what? A pill- two? A line? Do you even know what you're searching for?"

Alexander's hands were digging into his own forearms, and again, Burr wondered if purpling flesh would be visible without the jacket, "I don't get why you're pretending to care. Jefferson's got a reputation to keep. Ethical drug dealer my ass. Ethical drug dealers wouldn't just cut someone off. Madison's still pouting cause I took 'a day and a half's worth' at one time. But you? You've got no horses in this race. What's your damage? Got a fetish for strung-out young men? Why do you care who's dick I might suck for a fix? Afraid they'll damage the goods?"

If it weren't for the threat of Mulligan, Aaron had no doubt that Alex would have been out the door, so convinced that Aaron had to have an ulterior motive. Not that Aaron blamed him, it wasn't like they knew each other. If anything, Burr knew a lot more about the man sitting on the bed in front of him than Alex knew about him- Alex was one of Madison's favorite topics to complain about. As much as Alexander seemed to deny it, James did at least partially care about the freshman. Thomas was another story entirely, and both of them had been frustrated to have a 'genuine' addict on their hands.

"And here I thought you were supposed to the eloquent type, " Aaron sighed, leaning against the dresser that Alex had tried to ravage earlier, "and yet you keep coming back to cheap shots to try and make me uncomfortable. Thomas and Madison..... the less said of them the better. But none the less, you've been left up shit creek without a paddle. And I know right now you think another hit is the answer, but I'd rather throw you a life preserver." 

Alex looked like he had a few choice words to say, but what came out was, "Why?"

"Because it's hard not to know your name. You could be something and instead you're too busy wasting your talent to boost other people's gpas and fattening Thomas and Madison's pockets."

Aaron didn't wait for a response, to hear whatever it was that Alex would snarl, mostly because he didn't have anything else to say on the subject. Alex was right, he had no good reason to care and all logic dictated that he should have slammed the door in his face hours ago. He hadn't been lying though, Alexander's supposed wit was legendary around campus, his skill with a pen was supposed to be amazing, and yet he'd been hurling baseless insults and sexual innuendo. It was almost painful to see how the need to use had reduced the freshman. And Jefferson had been the one to get him hooked, if Madison was to be believed.

Aaron dug around in the small fridge/freezer in the corner of the dorm, turning to look at the other man, "Macaroni or pizza bites? You've got to eat something. I've never been in your situation but I can't imagine doing it on an empty stomach is going to help anything."

When Alex only glared, Burr put back the macaroni and stood up, "Well, this should be fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....  
>  do I need to tell you not to do drugs?
> 
> Like.... At one point I had a... few words written about Alex's method of consuming drugs and I got rid of it because I'm not being responsible for someone reading it and being like 'I gotta try that.'
> 
> Also it takes way more than one night to get clean. Burr's just misunderstood Madison and not ... quite aware of how much work getting clean is.  
> .... he'll learn.


	3. Chapter 3

Aaron sounded so calm when he said, "You can sleep here."

Which would have been fine, had they known each other... at all. But they didn't know each other. Alexander stared at him as if he grown a second and third head, trying to figure out what planet his drug dealer's roommate was from. Sure, they'd seen each other before, this wasn't the first time that Hamilton had been in Madison's room after all. Towards the beginning, they'd almost been on good terms. But his previous friendship with James didn't transfer to Burr.

Alex shoved another pizza bite in his mouth, trying to ignore the way his stomach was revolting. They were hot at least, almost burning his mouth with each bite, and if he focused on the sensation he could almost repress the muscle spasms. Almost. He was trying, he really was, to keep his entire body tensed so that it couldn't jerk and twitch which such force. Less for his own good, he had gotten used to the occasional lapse, but because every time he did Aaron gave him that look.

Like he was a kitten trapped down a storm drain. 

"Do you not know how drugs work?" Alexander put as much attitude into his voice as possible, praying that if he was obnoxious enough the man would let him go without calling Herc.

Aaron shrugged, apparently unbothered by his lack of knowledge and Alex's ever switching tone, "I have no idea what that has to do with you sleeping here."

When Alex went to grab for another piece of food, he came up empty and shrugged before turning his attention to Burr, sucking on his fingers before trailing them down his chest, "I won't be doing much sleeping. Not unless you've changed your mind about putting me to use."

It was fun, watching Aaron's face twitch with horror every time he implied that the man might fuck him. Whether it was because Burr was straight, him having morals, or just the idea that Alex would be willing to go that far to get what he wanted, didn't particularly matter to Alex. Let the man think what he wanted about Alex, Alex knew he'd never actually sucked dick for a chance to get high. Though, with his veins thrumming, it was hard to say for certainty that he wouldn't consider it.

At the moment having his nose buried in someone's stomach sounded like a good idea, all on its own, being pressed against a wall? even better. At least then, even without the drugs he'd be able to stop thinking for five seconds, lose himself in the scratching, thrusting, all consuming nothingness that was rough sex. 

For now he'd have to settle for antagonizing Burr, who sounded exhausted already, "You're really not going to sleep?"

Alexander glanced around the room for a clock, unconsciously moving to rub at his arms again as he did, "What time is it?"

With a strange look, Aaron pulled out his phone, " after ten."

Alexander did the mental math, counting on his fingers, "Then I'm on hour thirty without sleep. I usually tap out around fifty." 

Fifty hours without sleep was about the point where the things flying out of his mouth went from 'common' to 'completely inane'. About a month ago he'd gone on a bender, having scored some pills on the side from a senior in need of an English essay, and managed to go almost eighty. The worst part was that Herc had invited him to go to lunch, and he'd made an ass of himself by almost falling asleep face first into a plate of chinese food, and then again standing on the bus. Alex still was counting his lucky blessings that Hercules had assumed him sick, not strung out, and instead of yelling at him had sandwiched Alex between Laurens and himself so that he wouldn't fall before tucking Alex into bed once they got back to the dorm.

"But that's with the drugs, right? And you're not getting any more, so you should be able to go to sleep." Burr sounded so hopeful that it was almost comical.

Alex could have made another joke, but there was a pain in his chest that was making it hard to think, "Wouldn't be addicts if we could just sleep through the want." A sharp intake and then, "Fuck me."

"Fuck you?" It was only when Burr repeated the phrase that Alex realized it might be taken as a command.

Jefferson would have. He'd done it before, when Alex had shown up at his place and started swearing at being denied again. Hate sex with Thomas Jefferson was no different than the drugs. Everything he wanted in the moment, but left him feeling dirty and hating himself if he thought too much about it. It hadn't been long after that that he'd started going through Madison directly, because there were some lows that even Hamilton wouldn't chase.

"As in Fuck my life." Alexander snapped, suddenly angry, "I gotta deal with 'ethical' drug dealers who won't even let me down easy, didn't even warn me so that I can wean myself and now I gotta deal with your overly moralistic ass. I need to go. I need to get out."

Alex wasn't sitting anymore, but rather pacing, and he watched as Burr moved to cover the door as if he was afraid the man would dart, "I'm not stupid. You think I want you calling Herc? As much as everyone thinks I fucking live to be a disappointment..." The longer he spoke the angrier he got, "I really would rather not let him down again. He gives me the same look you do. Like.... I'm some wounded fucking animal that you might be able to save."

"News flash, " If Burr was startled when Alex's hands slammed on the door behind his head, he didn't show it, even when Alex leaned his forehead against the other man's, his next words puffs of air across Aaron's face, "I don't want to be saved. I don't want to think. I want to fucking take something so that my head will stop swirling."

Alex watched Burr's chest rise and fall as the man came up with something to say, "Is there anything else that will make your head stop?"

Of course Aaron wouldn't complain about the invasion of his personal space, of course the other man wouldn't stop trying to save him, Alex threw himself away and back onto the bed, trying to ignore the way his legs were twitching, "Fucking but you probably have something against having sex with questionable consent. Or sex with me." Suddenly he sat back up, forcing himself cross legged as he pressed his back against the wall,"you could always punch me. I know you want to."

"Somehow I doubt punching you will solve the problem. Unless of course you mean knocking you out?" Again, Burr sounded exhausted and Alex would have felt bad about it but it was the other man's choice to essentially hold him hostage.

Well, knocking Hamilton might at least solve the problem for a while, but that wasn't what he'd meant. The fact that Aaron had been the one to bring up knocking him out had him tempted to remove his jacket and stand up to let the other man take a swing, but it was unlikely that Burr would actually do anything about it. Alex could probably call his mom a whore or throw the first punch and it wouldn't get him what he wanted. But he really was going to explode if he spent any more time in this small room.

"Can I go for a walk at least? The cold air might help." When Burr gave him a wary look, Alexander only smiled that same peculiar smile, "I'll let you put me on a leash if you want, Daddy."

It was probably wrong to take so much delight in the flush on Burr's cheeks, but he really couldn't find it in himself to care. 

Burr glanced towards the ceiling again, and Alex couldn't help but wonder if it was the man's way of praying for strength, "We can go for a walk. Just remember whose number I have."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That being said- Alexander's story about going almost eighty hours without sleep?  
> was my life.
> 
> though I think my favorite story from the 'what the fuck is sleep-why would I do that' saga (which sometimes, but not always involved drugs- the following story occurred while sober. something I wouldn't defend if not for the location.)  
> was the one where I showed up to work (at a children's museum no less) having not slept in... 30? hours and because we were the opening crew and had to show up an hour before anyone got there- proceeded to curl up on a rug in the middle of the floor once my gallery was prepped until a co-worker came by and was like '... I usually wouldn't say anything but Travis said he'd buy you a coffee if it got you off the floor.' I'm pretty sure my co-workers only put up with my shit because I baked them cookies and brought people flowers when they were having bad days.


	4. Chapter 4

It had taken Hamilton almost thirty minutes to find his shoes when they got to his dorm, and Aaron would have suspected that he was really looking for the end of his stash if it weren't for the fact that when Alex finally pulled his shoes on, it was because he'd pulled them out of the microwave. He'd waited for an explanation, but Alex had simply sat on the bottom bunk and pulled a pair of socks out of the pillow there before focusing on getting them on so that they could on their walk. The smaller man had been oddly quiet since they'd left his room, and Aaron wasn't sure if it was that he was that worried about Mulligan being contacted or if the foray into the cold air was that calming. A small part of his brain worried that it was another side effect while a final piece kept reminding him to keep a close eye on the man. Alexander was capable of anything, especially if he was plotting.

"Did you have anywhere in mind when you said you wanted to go for a walk?" Burr asked as they walked out of the building, following closely behind Alexander.

There was a slight shrug in the shoulders ahead of him, "I was thinking Cookout."

Cookout was a good mile walk, one direction but it wasn't like Aaron had never walked there before. It just usually wasn't approaching 11 PM when he did so. But Alex didn't falter in his steps, didn't even appear to consider that he should ask whether or not Burr was interested in going that far, so Burr shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them warm and sped up his steps to keep up with the other man.

The jacket that Alex had been wearing all evening came off, and Aaron stared at the scratches and bruises that covered the skin that was revealed. It was hard to even try and figure out whether or not Aaron's hands had left a mark, his arms were so saturated with them, peeking out from under the tank top that Alex apparently thought was enough clothing for this weather.

"What in the world happened to you?" Aaron couldn't help but ask. It wasn't likely the other man had been fighting, he knew what that looked like. Everyone in the dorm knew what that kid on the second floor got up to, always showing up to dorm meetings with a split lip or wrapped knuckles. And if someone had been kicking the shit out of Alex, they'd been aiming and he hadn't been fighting back, neither his knuckles or face showed any damage.

Alexander spun on heel, and Burr regretted his decision to say anything as the man walked backward as he talked, "I was rolling down the asphalt," he held up his arms, examining them as if they belonged to a stranger, "at least, that's probably most of it. As for the rest, just because you have a boring sex life doesn't mean the rest of us do."

"Is there a particular reason you're so obsessed with me having sex?" Aaron knew it was the wrong thing to say, even before he'd finished saying it, "Forget I asked. Please."

Alexander raised an eyebrow, "Let me leave and promise not to text Mulligan the moment I'm out of your sight?"

Burr gave him an unamused look, but otherwise didn't respond, even when Alex stopped walking and reached out to lay a hand on his shoulder, "Well then. Maybe the reason I'm so interested in your sex life is because I'd love to spice yours up."

"For some reason, " Burr groaned, eyes flicking between Hamilton's hand and face, "I have the feeling that you're much more interested in how uncomfortable you can make me. I'm just trying to help you."

"And I'm just trying to help you get off." Hamilton's eyes were bright, but he finally let Aaron go, turning back around and beginning to walk again, "So I would say we have similar goals."

Burr looked up at the sky, counting backward from ten before following, "What were you hoping to get at Cookout anyway?"

"Who said I was going to order anything?"

Aaron stared openly at the man walking in front of him, "We're walking all the way to Cookout.... in the middle of the night... for what reason then?"

There was a shrug, "So I can meet up with another dealer obviously."

Burr stopped walking, and he had his phone out and to his ear before Alexander even turned around, "Hercules! Sorry to call you so late this is Aaron I have-"

If Aaron had thought Hamilton above snatching his phone out of his hand, he was wrong, "Herc! Sorry about that. Yeah, this is Alex. Uh, me and Aaron are hanging out and I didn't believe he had your number so I dared him to call you. Sorry about that. Go back to sleep- oh you're at the desk tonight. I didn't see you when I came through earlier... I'd love to come by and see you but uh, actually I might be staying at Aaron's tonight. Hey! I don't have to tell you everything about my personal life-" The look that Hamilton was sending him was absolutely lethal, and Aaron's stomach dropped when it shifted into that peculiar smile again, "yeah. We'll be safe, I've still got the condoms you gave me. Thanks man, I'll talk to you later okay? Enjoy your rounds. Night."

Alex shoved Aaron's phone into his chest, hissing, "I was joking you jackass, I just like walking to Cookout."

"Did you just...... Does Hercules Mulligan think that we're sexually involved?" Aaron might have addressed that he couldn't be blamed for believing Alex when he talked about going to meet a dealer, but there were more important matters to clarify right now.

Alexander's lips curled, "No," and damn if Burr didn't even have a chance to be relieved before Hamilton finished the sentence with, "He thinks we're dating."

For what had to have been the hundredth time that night alone, Aaron counted down from ten, "Why? Why would you let him believe that?"

Alexander shrugged, "Herc knows I don't spend the night for..... more casual arrangements. How would you have liked me to talk myself out of the situation you put me in?"

"The situation I put you in?! Again, I'm trying to help you and you take every chance to throw it in my face."

Alexander snorted, crossing his arms, "I didn't ask for your help. You're getting in between me and one of the few things that make my life worth living right now- and you want me to thank you?"

"Don't you think that's alarming? What did you live for before drugs, Alex?" They shouldn't be arguing this loudly about this in public, but if Alexander wanted to raise his voice, then so would Aaron.

"Who said I fucking lived for anything? Maybe I'm just fucking desperate for one minute that death seems more distant than close. I write and I write and I write and I take and I take and I take and that's all I'm fucking worth. No one would even give a damn about what happened to me if it weren't for how 'brilliant' I am. Even you only care about what I might become. Maybe, Aaron, some of us don't want to be something. Maybe, Aaron, Some of us don't want to be fucking saved from ourselves."

Aaron stared, trying to come up with something to say, but more concerned with the way that Alex seemed to out and out be vibrating, screaming and completely ignorant to the stares from passing students, "Alex..."

His pleading tone only seemed to make Alexander angrier, "Don't you fucking Alex me. Don't act like you give two fucks about me. The only time anyone cares about me is if they want something. You don't want my paper writing skills, you don't want the money I make, you don't want to fuck me- so don't act like you care."

This was not what he signed up for, Aaron searched desperately for something he could say that might contradict what Alexander was saying, but it wasn't like they knew each other that well. Finally he glanced around, trying to make sure that no one was listening in too closely, "So you and Mulligan are fucking? I'm sure his boss would love to hear about that."

"The fuck are you talking about? Herc would never...." Alexander snapped, "And leave Washington out of this."

Aaron didn't budge, "So you're saying that Hercules doesn't care about you after all? That's surprising considering how much you seem to care about his opinion of you. How hard you're fighting to not let him know- and I quote- what a disappointment you are."

"I could fucking hit you."

There wasn't a doubt in Aaron's mind that Alex meant that too, but he just shrugged, "Go ahead. But I won't hit you back. You've spent all night trying to provoke me, and yeah, you might get me to blush- but let it be known that I will never raise a hand to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always I really do want to thank everyone for the kudos/subscriptions/comments. I don't always reply, because I am awkward as fuck, but I do love them.
> 
> you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr if you ever want to talk headcanons/request a fic. Those of y'all who have read multiple pieces I've done- I promise I'll get around to writing the Hamburrger date in the sick! fic. 
> 
> http://8tracks.com/thatonechick99/aaron-burr I am???? really???? digging this aaron-burr playlist even though I have zero idea why half the songs relate to Burr. That clppng and Hamilton are all I listen to these days.


	5. Chapter 5

It was easier to be angry than it was to be sad, it was easier to snarl than it was to cry, easier to scream than plead with a god who never bothered to listen to him anyway, and maybe that's why instead of answering Aaron's question he had all but threatened to hit the other man.

Instead of rising to the bait Aaron had gone and basically told him that it was okay, that he could do it if he wanted to, but that it wouldn't make him strike back and suddenly Alex's heart was in his throat and dammit if he wasn't still shaking, only this time instead of gearing up for a fight his chest was heaving and if he didn't get himself under control soon there'd probably be tears.

It was one of the many things he hated about these periods, the last bit of whatever he took still causing his heart to pound erratically, the cravings for a new hit jerking him like a marionette from emotion to emotion. And Aaron didn't seem to understand that this wasn't something he could just abstain from for a few hours and then be perfectly fine. 

Aaron's fingers were on his face, and Alexander flinched back even as Burr pulled him into his chest and it was only then that he realized that there was no getting himself under control, he was already crying. 

Alex took a deep breath, trying to ready himself to push Burr away, to say something snarky to make the other man let him go, but then Burr was speaking, "Shut up. Just shut up and let me hug you."

They had to look a sight, Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr embracing on the outskirts of campus in the middle of the night, Alex obviously wracked with sobs, and even he couldn't argue so instead he buried his face in the other man's neck and allowed himself to be held. But even with all that compliance, he couldn't help but make one last asshole remark, "Whatever you say, Daddy."

Alexander could feel Aaron stiffen around him, but then there was a hand in his hair, fingers running through the strands and it was almost soothing. He had almost allowed himself to completely relax into the hold but then Burr shifted and there was a pair of lips right at his ear, the tone pointed "Whatever you need, Son."

And well, there was no way that Alexander was going to let that slide, "We both know what I want." There was a certain stress on the word want, but Alex backed down when Aaron squeezed his shoulder a little too tight for him to have missed that Alex was referring to drugs again, "But I guess you want me to trust you regarding what I need. We should go back to your room so that you can tell me, before we attract any more stares."

He could feel Aaron's nod, and he pulled out of the hold, giving himself a shake to try and get rid of any residual feelings, "You do understand that I'm still not going to sleep right?"

Alex was aware that he was being difficult, but Aaron's sigh was still overdone, "You do understand that just means I won't be sleeping either. It's been a while since I pulled an all-nighter but I'm not completely unfamiliar with the concept."

"And tomorrow morning? What happens then?"

Aaron shoved his hands in his pockets, and Alex watched him intently as they walked towards campus, "Will you be good then? The worst of the cravings over, I mean."

It was absolutely ridiculous that Aaron had somehow managed to live with a dealer and remain that level of oblivious to how addiction worked. Did he really, honestly believe that it would be that easy? Lock the addict in a box for twelve hours and they wouldn't make a run for the nearest dealer the moment they got out. Alex stared down at his arms as he walked, at the scratches and bruises, most of them from throwing himself at walls, from trying to get rid of the itch, the want, that drugs caused. And that had just been when he couldn't get what he was looking for quick enough.

When he didn't respond, Aaron turned to look at him, "I'm going to take the silence as a no. What are we going to do tomorrow?"

Alex chewed on the inside of his cheek, unable to draw up the anger that he wanted to respond with, "What? Planning on babysitting me until it's done? Getting sober takes months. It's a fucking process. A painful one at that."

They were maybe ten minutes from the dorms, and Alexander was considering making another plea to be allowed to go back to his own when Aaron spoke, "Well, I guess it's a good thing you told Mulligan we were dating then."

"What?"

Burr hummed for a moment, "We're going to be seeing a lot of each other for a long time if that's true. It'll raise less questions with your friends if they think we've been dating in secret and are just coming out?"

How Aaron could be so calm about the idea after freaking out when Alex had said something to Mulligan in the first place, Alex would never understand, "Are you even gay?"

Dark eyes met his for a moment before looking forward again, "Does it matter?"

"It matters to me, "Alexander snapped, "I refuse to fake date a straight man on the principle of it. Even I'm not that desperate."

Burr paused in his search for his ID, "It's a good thing I'm not straight then. Do you want to go by your dorm to grab some clothes for tomorrow? We'll figure out where our schedules mesh and don't. If you don't have classes during mine, you're welcome to join me. I wouldn't be opposed to attending yours if your professors are fine with it. Otherwise, we'll exchange numbers and I do expect you to text me rather than trying to find a new dealer."

It was absolutely ridiculous, it was entirely presumptuous, an insane scheme that almost made the idea of Hercules knowing that he'd been using worth it. Aaron didn't seem to understand what he was signing himself up for. But the temptation of having someone hold his hand through the process of becoming someone that Herc would be proud of was tempting. And Aaron hadn't hit him earlier, despite plenty of provocation, or threatened him with the hospital despite him basically screaming in the middle of campus about how much he wanted to die.

There was a clearing of Aaron's throat, and Alex realized that the man was still waiting for a response, "Yeah. I'll grab some clothes and I've still got two papers I need to get done before you cut me off from my source of income."

They walked toward Alex's dorm, and Alex jumped when Burr's hand found his. When Alexander gave him a questioning look the other man just tightened his grip, "If Hercules Mulligan is at that desk, we need to be putting on a good show. I am not ending up with a black eye because he thinks I'm a bad boyfriend."

Alexander made a face, "Herc wouldn't do that," he muttered using his free hand to dig his ID out of his pocket and let them into the building.

Aaron glanced towards the desk where Mulligan was sitting, watching them through the glass, leaning in to whisper into Alex's ear for the second time that night, "Jefferson's not afraid of him for nothing."


	6. Chapter 6

Alex had been fluctuating between petulance, anger and being an overall mess all evening- but when he dropped Aaron's hand and called out to Mulligan he was all smiles, "Herc! Looks like I get to see you after all. I hope desk duty hasn't been too boring."

Aaron watched Hercules carefully when the man stood up to walk around the desk to hug Alex, still trying to decide on the proper course of action. It wasn't that Burr was afraid of Mulligan, he just had a healthy appreciation of staying alive and being able to exist on campus without looking over his shoulder at all times. Something that was probably going to end soon if the look that the RA was sending him meant anything. He'd thought to grab Alex's hand so that they could begin working on their appearance, he'd completely forgotten about the state of Alex's arms and there was no way that Herc had missed them considering the pure gentleness that Hercules was now holding Alex.

"You missed your last check-in, Alex. I've been concerned and now you show up looking like this?" Hercules' voice was deep, and despite who the statement was directed at, he was making direct eye contact with Burr.

It would have been idiotic to try and come up with something, to try and explain away the marks that been there long before Burr had ever even touched the Alex. And despite his own erratic heart beat, he was currently more worried about how long it would be until Alexander's twitching started up again. It had calmed for the most part outside, though the removal of the jacket had led Aaron to believe that it was less about the time and something about the temperature that gave his muscles a reprieve.

When Alexander pulled out of the hug, Hercules was forced to shift his attention down to the younger man's bright face, "Stop that. John and I have been wrestling- that's all. It wouldn't be so bad except sometimes we get a little excited and roll into walls and the furniture. You know how much energy we have."

It was strange watching Mulligan's face waver between disbelief and fondness, but Aaron was grateful that it ended on the latter, "Perhaps consider wrestling in the gym next time. They do have rooms with protective gear, you know?"

Alex was all smiles and Aaron wondered if he noticed it before the other man did, the faint vibration in the hand that was hanging slack by his side. Hercules was too busy chiding him for not being safe to have looked down and Aaron glanced about the otherwise empty entrance before stepping forward to take Hamilton's hand, giving it a hard squeeze.

Hamilton's startled look only lasted a second, and then he turned to Hercules, "Sorry about that, we were only coming through so that I could grab some clothes for tomorrow. I think Aaron here is looking forward to getting back to his rooms."

The 'if you know what I mean' was unsaid, but even Burr could hear the implication, and considering they were trying to present a united front the only thing he was able to do was smile sheepishly and hope that the flush on his cheeks read more passion than embarrassment.

For the first time since they'd entered the building, Mulligan verbally addressed him, "Ah, yes. Aaron. I'm happy to hear that you've come out. " There was a pause and then, "Interesting choice in partner, considering how reserved I remember you being."

Aaron did his best to meet the other man's eye, "Well, you know what they say, opposites attract."

Mulligan's attention shifted back towards Alex and Burr allowed himself to relax momentarily, "It better be more than just attraction. Alex needs someone who can bring him back down to earth. Anyway, I've got to get back to work. Try to not let him wear you out too much."

Aaron allowed Alex to make his goodbyes, and then followed obediently when the smaller man dragged him towards the elevator. Once inside, Hamilton dropped his hand, moving instead to put back on his jacket. Burr resisted the urge to comment that that would have been an intelligent move before they entered the building, but the damage with Hercules had already been done. No need to make the rest of Alex's floor question whether or not he was abusing the young man.

For the second time that night, he stepped inside of Alex's room, watching as the other man tossed things every which way as he searched for what he was after. Alex's backpack was pulled out from under a desk, and he was in the process of shoving things either inside of it, or throwing them up onto the top bunk when Aaron finally bothered to ask, "Should you leave a note for your roommate?"

Aaron wasn't completely convinced that Alex had one, considering his tornado of stuff seemed to cover every inch of the room, and this was only confirmed when Alex shook his head, "Nah. He ditched a month or so ago and they never put anyone in his place. I think Herc may have something to do with that, but if so he's not owning up to it. "

Despite the fact that Mulligan's fondness could only end poorly for Aaron, he couldn't help smile, "He really does care about you, huh?"

"He cares about everyone on the floor," Alex muttered, chewing on his bottom lip as he zipped up his backpack and threw it over his shoulder before looking around and grabbing his laptop.

Aaron raised an eyebrow, "Ah yes. I'm sure that's all. He hasn't at all taken a special liking to you. Which, again, is why you care so much about his opinion of you."

Apparently pointing out that anyone cared about Alex was a big no-no, because the man rolled his eyes before half-leaning against Aaron's chest, "Come on, Daddy. We need to get back to your dorm, remember? So you can tell me all about what you want to do with me."

It would have been easy to make a comment about how Alex's choice of jokes when it came to trying to make him uncomfortable said more about Alex than it did him, but Aaron had a feeling that it would only make things more difficult, "You realize that if you call me that in front of Mulligan, I'm a dead man?"

The smile that Alex sent him made it completely obvious how much Mulligan killing him wasn't a downside to the smaller boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> according to grammarly I wrote 193k last week between AO3 and my other project, a survivor resource.  
> and obviously quite a bit of that was things that got completely cut- or where I'd write a sentence and delete it, or rewriting the same scene three times and only posting one.
> 
> But holy shit. I know my children from the other project I do have been joking about me being A. Ham but I didn't realize just /how much/ that wasn't a stretch.


	7. Chapter 7

It wasn't that Alex didn't know that Hercules paid him special attention. It was hard to miss that he was the only person on his floor that was expected to check in weekly rather than monthly, even harder to not realize that despite the fact that Hercules met with him more often, his check in's lasted much longer than anyone else's. When his roommate had still been around, Alex had even been in the room once when Herc stuck his head in, listed off a prepared set of questions, wrote a few notes regarding what he answered, and then disappeared. All of that within ten minutes, and yet his and Herc's chats rarely lasted less than hour. It was just that he didn't understand what it was that made his RA care so much, and having it brought to his attention wasn't exactly his idea of a good time. 

"I want sour patch kids." He announced suddenly, uncomfortable with where his train of thought was going. The last thing he needed to do was get stuck spiraling and word vomit on Aaron again about how nobody loved him.

Burr, for his part, looked up from the book he was reading at his desk to give Hamilton an incredulous look, "You do realize it is now after 2 AM. Or are you under the impression that I keep buckets of candy hidden in my closet."

"You do realize that walmart is open twenty-four hours a day, right?" Alex puffed out his cheeks, rolling onto his back on the floor so that he could stare at the ceiling.

Aaron was most likely doing the exact same thing, considering there was a healthy pause before the other man spoke, "We walked almost a mile out to cookout before you decided to be a brat. The buses aren't running, I don't have a car on campus. We are not walking two miles to go get candy."

Experimentally Alex lifted his head, letting it drop back on the carpet, pleased with both the noise it made and the way it jostled his thoughts for a moment, "The powder at the bottom of the bag? Especially the really big bags? Is almost as good as popping. At least for a few minutes."

"Are you comparing drugs to candy? Really?" The exasperation in Burr's voice pleased Alex in ways he didn't want to admit, "Also, please stop banging your head. That can't be good for you."

He took a deep breath, allowing his chest to expand to its capacity and holding it there until he had to release it with a puff, "You won't let me scratch myself, you don't want me rolling around, I'm not allowed to hit my head. What would you like me to do?"

"Sit still? Go to sleep?" For someone who was insisting on holding Alex's hand through this process, Aaron was getting frustrated rather quickly.

Though perhaps that was because he thought Alex was doing it to taunt him, rather than recognizing the fact that his veins were buzzing right now for some kind of stimulation. Alex's fingers fluttered around his own throat, and instead of responding to Aaron's request, he pressed down, enjoying the way it hurt, the way he could still breathe but the intake forced his windpipe against his own hand. He wondered what would feel better, holding his breath or staying like this for a few moments, but then the thought process was gone because he'd been yanked into a half sitting position.

Burr was staring at him again, hand tight around his wrist where he has it suspended in the air. The look of open horror on his face was enough to make Alex realize that his actions might have been misread. That Aaron likely didn't recognize that Alex was searching for an adrenaline rush, for the sensory stimulation, not trying to kill himself. Which was ridiculous, really, because Burr had to realize you couldn't actually choke yourself out that way. So either he was too panicked to think about it, or he thought Alex was an idiot.

"Let me go," Alex snapped trying to yank his arm away from the other man.

The grip on his wrist only tightened, "Do you need to go outside again? Or... you mentioned to Hercules that you were wrestling with John. That's the guy in this dorm right? The one who always has a black eye. Do you want me to go get him?"

Alex wondered what Aaron would do if he moaned the next time the man adjusted his grip, if it'd be enough to make him drop his hold, "I thought you agreed to not snitch on me as long as I wasn't trying to find someone to whore myself out to for drugs."

"I'm not trying to snitch on you, " Aaron said in that 'you are trying my patience' tone that Alex was becoming more and more familiar with, "John rarely sleeps either. I don't mind having him here if that will keep you attention away from hurting yourself for five minutes."

It was something to consider, except John wouldn't be happy that Alex was in the dorm at all, "And what are you going to do? Tell him 'hey your friend was trying to see my drug dealer roommate- but he's not in at the moment.... would you like to keep him company as I hold him hostage?'"

"Are you really telling me that no one knows what you've been up to?" Burr sounded more curious than anything and Alex took the moment to push himself up so that he was sitting properly.

"John suspects. He followed me out of his room one night and saw me stop by your room and well... Madison isn't as careful as he thinks he is. But I'd really rather not confirm his suspicions if you don't mind."

Aaron finally dropped his arm, shrugging, "Okay. Then we don't confirm his suspicions. We go for a walk and see if the light is on under his dorm. If so, we'll knock and we'll tell him the good news."

Alex reached up to massage his shoulder, eyeing him suspiciously, "The good news?"

"That we've decided to come public with our relationship. And then you could hang out with him for a while if he's open to it. Here, there, I don't care. Maybe we could all go for a walk outside? The cold seemed to help with the twitching earlier."

It seemed that Aaron had decided for himself that this was the best course of action, no matter how reluctant Alex was, because he was pulling his jacket back on and seemed to be waiting on Alex to stand up and join him.

Except Alex didn't want to see John right now. Sure, if they were allowed to fight that might calm his nerves for a while, but it seemed unlikely that Aaron would actually allow that. And he definitely couldn't try and hit on John if him and Aaron were going to continue pretending that they were dating. So that struck out the second best thing that John would be good for at that moment. But how was he supposed to explain to Burr that it wasn't just his mind that needed to be occupied, that he needed the pain, needed something to make not only the twitching but the racing thoughts slow down.

Alex wrapped his arms around himself, looking off to the side instead of trying to push himself to his feet. No doubt Aaron would abandon the plan once he realized that this wasn't going to end. That Alex wasn't going to stop trying to hurt himself because hurting himself was better than mentally destroying himself. He almost regretted having finished up the final bits of papers that he had left so soon in the night, but it had seemed irresponsible at the time to let it wait. The longer he went without, the louder his brain was screaming and there was no way he'd be able to create a quality paper right now, no matter how much he wanted the distraction.

The voice that broke his thought process was soft, "Alex?"

"I take it I'm not allowed to ask you to punch me in the mouth." That wasn't the sentence to say if he was hoping to stop Burr from worrying about his self-destructive nature, but it was the only thing that he could think of.

Silence wrapped around them again, and Alex's brain was screaming at him. Screaming that he was screwing up his one shot at getting sober with help, screaming that he was being just as self-involved as Jefferson always accused him of, screaming that he never should have tried to hunt down Madison tonight. His head was so loud- until it wasn't. Because the fingers that had been digging so harshly into his wrist earlier are pressing against his jaw bone, forcing him to look up at Aaron. Had it have been anyone else, Alex would have expected lips to follow, but Burr just crouched there, eyes flickering between his hold on Alex's chin and up to his eyes.

When the hand dropped away, Burr stood again, "I told you before I won't hit you. There's got to be a better way to help you calm down other than hurting you."

Alex considered making another Daddy joke, asking to be taken over his lap, or even just implying the truth- that the only other way he knew how to sate the itch was sex. But there was no way that Aaron would consider it, the man probably didn't fuck on the fourth date, much less someone he wasn't actually dating. Instead he laid back down on the floor, looking up at Aaron as he patted the rug next to him, "Since you won't lay on me, lay with me while we try to think of something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we decided that grammarly isn't just counting what I write- but how often it has to check it (so it def double counted some things and brings that number to a much more understandable level.)
> 
> we've also realized that the writer's understanding of weeks is... non-existent because apparently I started writing "I'm getting nervous, Sir" on the 24th. So I've been seriously writing Ham fic for almost two weeks and not just one. 
> 
> ANYWAY this chapter was supposed to be an experiment about how fast I write chapters without getting distracted.  
> I did start at 3:30 and finish at 5:20 something.
> 
> but there was a lot of distraction between here and there because what we really learned is that I can't focus for more than 10 minutes. Daveed Diggs is just so pretty? He's just so pretty. and his voice is so nice. and I just want all the good things in the world for him and there's a picture of him coloring in a coloring book and it's just ?????????? I have a lot of feelings about him.


	8. Chapter 8

Aaron wasn't sure at what point he'd fallen asleep, but when he awoke, it was to Hamilton pressing himself against his back. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, they were definitely in his bed, rather than on the floor despite that being the last thing he remembered. Whether he'd climbed up here himself, or if Alex had helped him Aaron wasn't sure. What was more concerning at the moment was the fact that if Alex managed to shift him another inch, he was going to be face first on the floor. He gave a hard shove backwards, to try and make the other man stop squirming, only to freeze at the sound it caused.

A moan he could have handled, between the sex jokes and daddy jokes, Aaron had been preparing himself for something of the ilk, but that wasn't a moan. Counting down from ten he climbed out of bed to figure out what was going on, frowning when Alexander only curled further into fetal position, Burr's pillow wrapped around his face to muffle the sound. He really wasn't awake enough to deal with this, the clock on the desk flashed that it was a little after seven, meaning that they'd gotten less than a handful of hours of sleep. Or rather, he had. Alex had seemed so sure that he wouldn't be able to sleep, and while Aaron had originally been hopefully that Alex being in bed with him had meant otherwise, right now he wasn't so sure.

"Alex." The other man didn't react to the sound, and Burr wondered if he could even hear the rest of the world like that. At some point last night, between laying down on the floor and ending up in the bed Alex had started babbling, a string of words that slipped out of his mouth so fast that it was hard to keep up, each word knocking the other out of the way. It had seemed endless at the time, had ended with Alex's face buried in his chest as he sobbed about the car crash cacophony in his head. 

Burr exhaled slowly, reaching over to push one of Alex's shoulders flat to the bed as his other hand yanked the pillow away from the man's face, trying not to flinch when he noticed the scrapes around the man's neck, "Alex."

Wild eyes flickered to him, but Alex had shifted just enough to shove his own hand in his mouth, apparently still trying to be quiet.

"Alex, if you don't tell me what to do......" Aaron didn't want to threaten to hit him, he couldn't, even if it might alleviate whatever long enough for the other man to give him some idea what else to do, "I'll lay on you." 

It was a ridiculous statement and yet Alex partially curled, and not knowing what else to do, Aaron took it as consent. Carefully he climbed back into the bed and threw an arm over the other man. At first he thought maybe that would be enough, that he'd be able to remain mostly on his side but then Alex was moving, shaking limbs shifting both of them until Burr was entirely on top of him, only able to breathe from where he'd positioned his head to the side beneath Aaron's chin. It wasn't a comfortable position, and honestly Aaron was worried about having all of his weight on the smaller man, but each time he tried to shift or raise up on his elbows to reduce the weight Alex whimpered. Eventually the quivering settled and Aaron was able to roll off without complaint. The clock on the desk flashed nine thirty, the earliest class Aaron had this morning was at eleven thankfully. 

There were tear tracks down Alex's cheek, and Aaron propped himself up on one side and used the other hand to wipe away what he could, "You want to talk about it?"

The voice that answered him was rough, "About the shakes? Not much to say other than they hurt like a bitch." 

Alex's face leaned away from the touch, and Aaron pulled back slightly, "From what I've seen the shakes don't seem to come alone. But who am I to pressure you into processing what you're feeling. I can't remember if you told me already, but what is your class schedule for today?"

As Alex pushed himself up into a sitting position, Aaron climbed off the bed to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, tossing it to Alex as the other man spoke, "I've got a 2:30 over in Ralley hall, and then one at 5 in the old ed building. John and I usually meet up for dinner afterwards because it breaks about the same time his chemistry lab does. You?"

They would probably be able to catch lunch together, and if Alex's professor wasn't against it, Aaron would even be able to manage the 2:30 class. However, he had a prior obligation for 5, though it was one he wouldn't mind moving around for future days if it turned out to be what Alex needed. Aaron handed his phone to Alex so that the other man could put his number in, making sure to call it before pocketing his phone again. 

The exhaustion on Alex's face almost hurt to look at, especially when he said, "So how long 'till you give up on me?"

"Have I done something to make you think I'm going to leave?" Aaron did his best to keep his tone light, a question rather than a defense.

Alex just chewed his bottom lip, "You barely know me, I can't be worth the worry or the lack of sleep."

Aaron sighed,"My first class is in less than an hour or so, so if you're planning on joining me for it- you might want to get up and get dressed."

Instead of arguing, which Aaron had expected, Hamilton got out of bed and grabbed his bag, hesitating when his hand hit the door handle, "You're not going to text Herc just because I leave to go get changed right?"

The question almost made Aaron feel bad his hanging the RA over Alex's head, "No. I don't know if you grabbed shower stuff? If not mine is up on that shelf. It might help you feel a little better and we've got enough time."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMlLYHOC_eo
> 
> brb still crying over Daveed Diggs.
> 
> ......   
> ........  
> .........  
> ..........
> 
> bearhugsforsobriety2k16.   
> tbh if there's anything I miss from the hellacious year that I got sober- bear hugs. don't get enough of those these days.


	9. Chapter 9

Surprisingly no one had said anything about Alex going to Aaron's first class, the professor barely even acknowledging that the man wasn't a usual participant there. He'd kept himself busy by writing in a notebook, trying to get the thoughts out of his head before they could start swirling. Every now and then he'd glanced towards Aaron, found the man's attention completely on the professor and taken the chance to dig pen tip into his thigh to relieve some of the tension. When class was over he'd filled six pages, mostly with various curses, scribbled on the page with various amounts of intensity.

Aaron had shot him a look of concern over that when they left class, but had thankfully not pushed the subject, even over lunch. Burr insisted on paying, and all too aware of both the fact that they were trying to give off the impression of a couple, and that his income would be withering up, Alex hadn't even argued too much. Had kissed the other man's cheek as an excuse to whisper a 'thanks daddy' in his ear before skipping to sit down at the outdoor picnic tables with his plate. It was technically too cold to be eating outside, especially with only a thin long sleeve shirt and a scarf to hide the marks around his neck, but Aaron had followed behind and said nothing of it. They'd actually managed a semi-polite conversation, though Alex left with little more information about Aaron than when it'd started. 

It was extremely frustrating, how little he knew about Aaron. The frustration only growing everytime a mood swing struck and Alex ended up babbling things he wouldn't even usually consider telling Herc. Alex wasn't even sure he knew what major the other man was, and while he obviously wasn't a freshman considering his knowledge of Hercules, he didn't know what year Aaron was in or how old he was. Basically, everything he knew boiled down to 'Madison's weird roommate determined to save me with or without my consent on the matter.' Even the class that they had attended that morning was a gen ed class, nothing that would give anything away about Burr's personality other than perhaps that the man was studious. 

Now they were sitting in Alex's English class, listening to the teacher drone on about the latest writing project. Logically Alex knew that this should have been the class he loved the most, a chance to write, a chance to disappear into someone else's text, but the Professor always managed to take monotone to a new level. Aaron seemed to be paying more attention than he was, the ridiculous bastard even taking notes about what was coming up. If Alex had been in the mood to be more rational, he might have recognized that it was most likely for his own benefit but at the moment he wasn't feeling rational. 

All he wanted to do was scratch his skin off, or text Madison to beg for forgiveness, hell he'd settle for begging Jefferson at that point. Not doubt Thomas would enjoy seeing him on his knees. Teeth dug into his bottom lip, trying to find something to focus on that wasn't what he'd be willing to give. He tried to draw on the image of Hercules for strength, only for that familiar mental mantra to start back up, about how he was only going to end up disappointing the man sooner or later so might as well get it over with now. 

The thoughts might have gotten a lot darker if it hadn't of been for his wrist suddenly being gripped, and Alex couldn't hold back the small intake of breath even as he turned to give Burr a nasty look. 

Aaron looked unamused, "Class was dismissed ten minutes ago. I'm just glad your teacher clears out before the students do, or there might have been some questions as to why you're still sitting here glaring at that paper as if it insulted your mother."

"My mother's dead, so I'm not sure it'd do it much good." It wasn't fair to play the poor orphan card, but the noise in his head was getting louder and he had no idea how he was supposed to make it through his next class much less come up with something witty to say in response to Burr.

The grip on his wrist increased, and Alex hated himself for it, but damn it if he wasn't able to relax a notch more, shrugging apologetically when Aaron responded to his previous statement with, "So is mine. Doesn't change the fact that we both have places to be."

"You're not coming with me?" He was embarrassed at the sudden pitch change, it's not like he wanted Aaron to follow him around all day. It was just the first he'd heard that the man wouldn't be with him, the first time that Aaron was going to trust him out of his sight since the man had threatened to call Hercules. Did he really trust that Alex wouldn't be able to find a new dealer in an hour and a half period? Even Alex didn't trust that he wouldn't start shooting off texts looking for someone who would be willing to sell him something.

Aaron sounded exhausted when he spoke, "I told you earlier that I have a prior obligation. I can walk you up the hill if that would help, but you're going to need to be alone eventually. I don't know how your teacher is about texting, but you are free to text me. I'll respond as I can."

"I don't need you to walk me to class. I'm a big boy. I can handle myself." Alex snapped, jerking his hand out of Aaron's as he finally stood up and headed for the door.

It was ridiculous to be upset, it wasn't like he could blame Burr for having a life, and again, wasn't like he actually wanted the man around. Alex was completely aware that he was being irrational, especially when Aaron grabbed his shoulder, spinning him to force Alex to look at him again now that they were outside of the classroom.

"Please text me if you need me, and especially please text me once your class is over. I know you said you usually get dinner with John and I won't intrude unless you ask for me, but I would like to hear from you afterward. To know that you're still okay, if nothing else."

Alex did the mental math in his head, the way he always did before going to class, before making commitments that he was actually expected to follow through with. It had been almost 48 hours now since the last time he'd slept, he'd be past the 50 mark before class was even over and here Aaron was assuming that he'd be able to make it much further than that. Even using he usually would crash soon, and right now the only thing keeping him upright was how uncomfortable he felt all the time.

Despite his protesting, Aaron did walk him all the way up the hill, and Alex smiled his most convincing smile as he promised to text Burr if anything came up. Alex walked inside the building, firing off a message to John before taking one glance at the classroom he should have been going to and instead walking the other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't quite intend to have another chapter up this fast and then I got pissed off at the other project.


	10. Chapter 10

[From: Jimmy M.  
8:30 PM

yes im w jefferson.  
why?]

[From: Jimmy M.  
8:34 PM

....  
u didnt  
no i havnt hrd frm him.]

[From: Asshole  
8:36 PM

What? Think Madison was lying?  
No. Haven't talked to him.]

[From: Asshole  
8:39 PM

Do you think we all trade numbers?  
Get together? Paint our nails]

[From: Asshole  
8:41 PM

You wouldn't dare.]

[From: Asshole  
8:50 PM

No one responding has heard from him.  
No one responding has anything for his whore ass anyway.]

[From: Asshole  
8:55 PM

I don't know why you're bothering.  
His ass isn't that good.  
I'd know.  
;) ]

John Laurens wasn't in his room.

Aaron had already checked, twice. Doing his best to not appear creepy as he walked down his own dorm's halls, searching for any sight of Alex or his friend. After his meeting, he'd walked up to the old education building, hoping to catch Alex when class was over. That way he could check in before the man went to get dinner with Laurens. Unless his class had gotten out extremely early, there was no way that the other man had managed to leave before Aaron got there and yet there had been no trace of him anywhere. After waiting an hour to make sure that nothing had ran late, Aaron had shoved his hands in his pockets and started his search for the man elsewhere. 

The dining halls weren't exactly empty, but they had cleared out enough that Burr could say for almost certainty that Alex wasn't in there. He was tempted, beyond tempted, to contact Hercules, but he didn't have any proof that the man was out using and it'd ruin what little trust the other man had for him if he did. His text messages were going unanswered, his phone calls ignored and both Jefferson and Madison were claiming not to have heard anything from him since the day before. Well, that wasn't everything that Thomas was claiming but right then Aaron was choosing to ignore the implication. He wasn't sure that he had the willpower to not text Mulligan if he didn't.

Alex was just so small and despite the fact that Burr had never seen the pair in the same room together it wasn't hard to visualize the size disparity, to picture Jefferson looming over the slighter man and even the thought made Aaron nauseous. Jefferson was a predator, someone who had no problem getting his hands dirty and then making the other person feel like it was their fault. The idea that Jefferson might have touched Alex's life in more way than one pained him. Alexander might have resisted every bit of help that Aaron was trying to give, but no matter how much of an ass the other man made of himself- no one deserved to be used by Thomas. He glanced down at his phone again, determined not to send another text to Alexander unless he had a reason. But it was hard to not take having not heard from the other man in four hours as an excuse to call on a manhunt.

Having exhausted every place that Aaron could think to check, as well as texted everyone that he could without raising suspicion, he sat on the bench opposite of the other man's dorm. With a book in his hand, it was easy to pass as just another college student who found it too stuffy to stay inside, if perhaps one who was tempting sickness considering the cold. The world around him was getting darker, and he was simultaneously grateful for the lamp close by and growingly frustrated. A feeling that couldn't decide whether it wanted to point the blame at Hamilton's inconsiderate behavior or at himself for caring. A young woman brushed past him and Aaron smiled, recognizing his chance to get inside the dorm so that he could at least check for Alex there.

"Ms Maria! How are things going with that boyfriend of yours? Is he still giving you problems?" 

Her boyfriend, James Reynolds, lived in Burr's dorm on the upper floor. Something that Aaron might have gone the entire semester without knowing if a month or so ago Maria hadn't been intoxicated and run into Aaron in the hallway. Usually, he tried his best to not become involved in the drama, but it was hard to dismiss a crying woman, and instead he'd invited her to go sit in the lounge with him and tell him of her worries. 

Maria smiled at him, "Aaron, it's so good to see you again. And I think I've finally left him for good this time. Thank you so much for talking with me that night."

Burr shrugged, falling in step with her as she walked towards the building, " I couldn't just leave a lovely lady such as yourself in distress. Not when you stumbled into my life like that. I nearly thought you an angel."

Maria swiped her key card before laughing, "Yes, please paint me like a fairy tale and leave out that I literally stumbled into you. I was such a mess that night, thank you again for putting up with me- I know I must have been such a sight."

"Ah, my memory must be failing me due to the radiance of your laughter. There was a time I wondered if it was only a dream," Maria hugged him, apologizing for having to run while leaning in to kiss his cheek before making her way towards the back hall.

Aaron watched her go for a moment before stepping into the elevator and making his way up to Alex's floor. He was doing his best to ignore his heartbeat, the way it was thudding in his head, screaming at him that this wasn't his dorm. That he shouldn't be doing this, that this wasn't where he belonged. It wasn't, but if Hercules or someone else saw him, he'd just have to smile nicely and play the role of the concerned boyfriend who had been stood up for dinner.  And if Alex had a problem with his boyfriend coming by to visit.... well, he and Aaron had different opinions on the role of a significant other. He knocked, not expecting a response and yet still somehow disappointed when none came. There wasn't even the sound of movement behind the door to convince him that Alex was there and just ignoring him. He tried to not feel guilty when he tried the handle after a minute or so of standing there. The door opened easily and Aaron glanced around before stepping in and closing the door behind him.

It was hard to tell whether or not anyone had been around, considering what a mess Alex had left his room the last time that they'd been in. Still, Aaron took another step further into the room, hoping to spot some sign of where Alex might be that he hadn't checked already. A buzzing sound caught his attention, and Aaron glanced around, trying to find the source. Another buzz and Aaron glanced down, confused to realize it was coming from beneath him rather than on the bed or desk, the two most likely places to throw a phone. Cringing as he did, Aaron lowered himself to the floor, trying not to imagine what all Alex might have gotten up to down there. What he saw made him forget about the possibility of powder or germs entirely.

Because there was Alex, curled up under his own bed with just a pillow under his head and a blanket clutched between his arms, completely oblivious to the phone buzzing by his head. Aaron considered putting it on mute for a moment, before ultimately pushing himself back up off the ground, he'd wanted to make sure that Alex hadn't used and considering the man was fast asleep it seemed like a good bet. It would be better to leave no trace that he was there at all. With one last glance towards the bed, Aaron headed back towards his own dorm, stopping to lock the door before he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....  
> .........  
>  daveed diggs is still perfect okay?  
> like in Fresh from the hood when he's standing next to his mom and he's so much taller?  
> it's like yes. yes please.
> 
> also I sometimes feel like clarifying when certain parts aren't a part of my personal history (I mean- a fair decent bit isn't my personal life/based off of it- but like, there are only certain parts that I'm sitting here like 'oh god please don't think I did __________')
> 
> but all I can think of is Bill Clinton going 'I did not have sex with that woman'  
> like if I were to say 'I did not have hate sex with my dealer' it'd just be like 'uh huh, okay, whatever you say Bill.'
> 
> also- as always you can find me on tumblr at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle . You can leave fic requests/throw headcanons at me there.


	11. Chapter 11

For the first time in two days Alex's accelerated heartbeat had nothing to do with drugs, or the lack of them, and absolutely everything to do with the lit screen on his phone. If the number there was to believed, it was 2 am. If the information there was to be believed, Aaron had tried to call him five times, texted him half a dozen times and then given up trying to contact him around 10. That was an entire four hours ago. He'd parted ways with Burr almost nine hours prior, and given the other man no indication of what he was going to do. He had intended to go to class, he really had, but he'd texted John to cancel their dinner plans and suddenly he'd felt like gravity had increased. It had seemed the better move to go back to the dorm and get some sleep. He'd set an alarm to wake him up around 7 before crawling under his bed, but either he'd turned it back off or he was so out from the world that he hadn't realized it was going off.

Scrambling out from under his bed, Alex glanced around for a shirt, snatching a long sleeve one that had been thrown on the desk at one point, pulling it over his bare chest. Another look around the room and he snatched his phone off the floor, shoving it in his pocket and sliding on his shoes before darting out the door. Aaron's dorm was less than five minutes away, and he stood just outside of the brick building chest heaving, trying to get his breathing back under control. A group of older students, one that might have been Charles Lee, but he wasn't completely sure, arms suspiciously linked around what had to have been another freshman. Alexander reached out to catch the door for them, trying not to look suspicious as the Charles Lee look-a-like swiped his card to let them all into the building.

From there it was nothing to make a dash up the stairs and to spend his second evening in a row knocking on that familiar door. When it swung open this time, he took a step backwards, unsure of what to say when he came face to face with James Madison instead of Aaron.

"I told you before, I'm not giving you any," the man snapped, turning to cough into his arm.

Alex dug his fingers into his forearm, trying to collect himself, "and here I thought you'd be off sucking Jefferson's dick. I'm not looking for you."

Madison's laugh was quiet but nasty, "Like I'm supposed to believe that. Once an addict, always an addict."

The dorm being slammed in his face was probably meant to make him go away, but there was no way, not until he heard from Burr himself. Alex had to know whether or not to start planning his own funeral for whenever Hercules got his hands on him, and it wasn't like he could text Herc and casually ask whether or not he'd heard anything. There was swearing on the other side of the door as he continued to pound on it, until suddenly there wasn't a door there anymore, just a hand yanking him inside. By the time he'd collected himself enough to try and explain, again, that he was looking for Burr, it was too late- Madison's forearm against his throat cutting off his ability to speak.

Which might have been terrifying if it hadn't been so comforting. Alexander allowed himself to relax, breathing in measured, slow motions to try and minimize the strain. When Madison just pressed a little harder in response, Alex wondered if he was more upset at him for interrupting his sleep or perhaps the Jefferson comment. What he did know was that there was only a small window for how much harder that he could take and while usually he'd have no problem fighting sickly James, every nerve in his body was already exhausted from battling the shakes for over 24 hours and James already had the advantage. So instead he did the only thing he could think to do, tossing his head backwards with as much force as he could manage considering the small amount of space he had, followed by moaning as loudly as he could.

Alex's intention had been to disgust Madison into dropping him, but life dealt him a card better when Aaron finally woke up and pushed Madison to the side, reaching out to catch Alex when he stumbled forward. He half expected to be interrogated immediately, but half-asleep Aaron was sending a bewildered look in Madison's direction, who instead of defending himself, snarled and stormed out of the room. With James gone, Aaron still didn't look at him, instead walking back towards his bed and dropping back down. Which would have been fine if at any point he'd stopped supporting Alex's weight and allowed him to stand on his own. Instead it resulted in Alex being forced to follow him, and all but ending up in his lap.

Aaron gave a tired snicker as Alex got settled against the wall, "Sorry about that. I'm sure you said something to provoke him, but still."

Rubbing his throat, Alex glared half-heartedly, "Just the truth."

"And what truth would that be?"

Alex did his best to give Burr his most innocent expression, "That I was surprised to see him here considering how often his mouth is usually otherwise occupied by Jefferson."

It took Aaron a moment to get it, Alex could almost see the puzzle pieces clicking before the man buried his face in his hands, "Does everything have to be about sex with you?"

"Of course not, sometimes it's about getting my ass kicked, which you ruined by the way."

Not that Alex had been looking forward to getting his ass handed to him by Jefferson's lacky, but Burr's look of tired exasperation was worth it entirely. Alex watched as the other man stretched slightly, before laying down, knees drawn up towards his chest so that he didn't kick Hamilton. Which was an oddly sweet move, both in the fact that it meant Aaron trusted him enough to sleep near him, and that Aaron was trying to be conscious of Alex being comfortable. No matter how adorable it was though, it didn't answer the question that he'd come this entire way to ask. He poked at Aaron's leg, and when the man didn't stir to acknowledge him, Alex forced himself between the wall and Aaron, laying down on his side and using the arm he wasn't propped on to poke at Burr's chest.

The man only groaned, "I take it you aren't going to stop because I'm ignoring you."

Hamilton shook his head,"Aren't you going to yell at me for not texting you?"

A dark eye peeked open at him, "If I yell at you do I get to go back to sleep?"

"I just," Alex looked up, trying to hide how uncomfortable he suddenly felt, "need to know how dead I am. Ya know?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it occurs to me I was like 'yo what's your opinion' and then was like 'here have like three more chapters'  
> I feel bad because I care about y'alls opinions but I also update way too fast to ask for feedback apparently.  
> You are still free to give your opinion on the daddy thing though at this point I've definitely been running with it as a gag.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Posl3o4z0M also please enjoy this 2010 Daveed Diggs rap that involves the line 'this ain't broadway bitch'
> 
> ..... is it an addict thing? is another connection between me and A Ham through the grave- who knows. but being the human embodiment of FIGHT ME and then 'oh fuck what do I actually do someone is fighting me' is a place I once knew well.


	12. Chapter 12

Aaron regarded the man who had wedged himself so closely for a moment, "Would you have really wanted me to let Madison keep on like he was?"

"Of course. That's why I moaned, asphyxiation is a huge kink of mine. If you actually give in and sleep with me, I'll be gagging for it." 

There was no 'daddy' tagged on the end, and Alex's eyes had closed and Aaron sighed, rolling onto his back. The movement brought his side flesh with Alex's stomach, but he didn't move away, not this time, "I'd say that one of these days someone is going to misunderstand your sense of humor as an offer, but I refuse to play a part in any victim blaming ideas you may have for yourself."

Every time Alex breathed, Aaron could feel it, and it was almost comforting in the minutes of silence that followed. Perhaps he should have pushed for a response, maybe he should have actually answered Alexander's question rather than pursuing his own curiosity. It was just strange to hear the sound of defeat in the other man's voice, even when Alex had been screaming about wanting to die there had been something akin to fight in his tone. His usual running sexual commentary at least sounded flirtatious, or was obviously meant to antagonize but just then, Hamilton had actually sounded vulnerable. 

When Alex broke the silence, Aaron stared at the ceiling rather than looking over, "You still never told me how dead I was."

The tone should have been petulant and still, it was tinged with exhaustion and Aaron shrugged, mindful of his shoulder digging into Alex's chest, "I can feel your heartbeat from here, so I'd say you're pretty alive, but who am I to judge."

Alex exhaled and Aaron could feel it along his neck, making it harder to not turn to face the other man, "Does Herc know?"

Which Aaron could have guessed that that's what he meant, but while he knew the answer to the question, he didn't know how to answer the one that would follow, "No."

Alex didn't ask why not, didn't dig deeper into the reason why Aaron had stopped calling hours before he saw him, why he bothered trusting him. Instead Burr held his breath as the other man shifted, lips ghosting along Aaron's collar bone and even knowing what the other man was up to, he couldn't make himself stop Alex just yet. Not when the touch was still so light that it was almost deniable, not when Alex might still make the right decision for himself. When barest touches of lip against his skin turned into an open mouth kiss, Alex's tongue laving against his flesh, Aaron bit down on the inside of his cheek to stop a more verbal reaction, wrapping his fingers around Alex's biceps and pushed the man upwards until Alex had no choice but to remove his mouth. 

"No, Alex." What all he was saying no to, Aaron wasn't sure, just knew that he had to be the strong one here.

When Aaron met his eyes, Alex glanced away, lips tightening into a frown, "I don't understand. You said you weren't straight..." 

"Alex, I'm not going to fuck you." For hundreds of reasons, ranging from the fact that it was the middle of the night and they had class in just a few hours, to the fact that Alex was still coming off drugs, to even just the fact that he didn't feel comfortable sleeping with someone he barely knew.

Not that he thought any of those reasons meant anything to Alex, who still looked upset, "Am I that disgusting?"

Aaron counted down from ten, "There are many beautiful, lovely people on campus who I am not having sex with at this moment, does that make them disgusting?"

It was the closest he felt comfortable to commenting on Alex's on appearance, but the logic was lost on the freshman, "I want to thank you. I want you to fuck me."

When Aaron didn't respond, Alex tried again, "Please. You could use my mouth or my ass, I can take it. Use me."

The desperation in Alex's voice wasn't want, it wasn't lust, and Aaron's grip changed, pulling the man into his chest, threading his fingers through Alex's hair to rub at the man's scalp,"I won't be the knife you use against yourself."

Alex didn't argue, and Aaron was surprised when the man only shifted to get more comfortable, allowing himself to be held, which is what made his next comment predictable, "Of course not, Daddy. You always want what's best for me."

The arm around Alex's back tightened, "Are you going to be able to sleep?"

Not 'can you go back to sleep', not 'have you slept enough', because Aaron was still tiptoeing carefully around the fact that he hadn't not told Hercules because he trusted Alex, but because he knew exactly where the other man had been. 

Alex made a non-committal sound, but his voice still sounded anxious, "Sorry for waking you. I can leave if you want?"

It was tempting to say yes, if Alex had gone straight to bed earlier the other man had somehow managed to get more sleep than Aaron had so far, but Aaron shook his head, "If you can stay quiet you can stay."

There was a tense moment, Aaron waiting to see what the other man would do, before Alex rubbed his face into Aaron's chest and silence wrapped itself around them. He wasn't particularly used to sleeping with someone curled around him, but Aaron was exhausted enough that he drifted off with relative ease while listening to the sound of Alex's breathing.

When he awoke, the bed was empty and Aaron groaned when he checked his phone. There was no time to get a shower or breakfast, just barely enough to get dressed and jog to his 9 AM. Making a mental note to come back after class, Aaron grabbed his jacket and slipped on his shoes, snatching the backpack off of the desk chair before darting out the door. Usually, he had no problems waking up without an alarm but apparently the change to his night time schedule was going to effect his morning hours away. He'd just have to remember to start setting some kind of alarm on his phone again.

Class went by smoothly enough, no matter how tired he still felt. Aaron closed his notebook, tucking it into his backpack before heading back towards the dorm, glad to have a chance to take a shower before his afternoon classes. He'd probably text Alex once he was dressed, check in to see how the other man was holding up and try to figure out what the game plan was before the weekend got there. Despite Alex's insistence that Burr was trying to play babysitter, Aaron didn't actually want to force the man into spending time with him, he just wanted some sort of check in system. 

There was a note on his desk that he hadn't noticed when running out that morning, and it took Aaron a moment to decipher that the times scrawled on the paper were probably the times that Alex had classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The word lunch was written at the bottom with a series of question marks at the end, and Aaron pulled out his phone so that they could set up a time, frowning when he noticed that Jefferson had texted him. Madison had probably gone back to his place after leaving last night, and there wasn't any doubt in Aaron's mind that Jefferson was well aware who had barged into their room last night.

[From: Asshole  
10:46 AM

Was he any good?]

[From: Asshole  
10:49 AM

We both know that's all he's worth.  
He probably begged you for it.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as much as I /love/ updating 2-3 times a day.  
> You know what I would love to do?  
> update this one 1-2 times a day  
> and also write new fics for Hamburrger because this pairing doesn't have enough fics. Or hey- any pairing/trio.  
> so  
> as always feel free to drop fic requests here or at tumblr writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle. especially if it's something that can be handled in a one shot. or like three shot basis. I work much better off of prompts than I do coming up with stuff on my own (or well..... the stuff I come up with on my own is things like this. 'Druggie A Ham.' I was also responsible for (though they are all now orphaned) multiple suicidal Harry Potter fics. Everything I Write Is Super Cheerful. and while I could torture A Ham with a serious case of PTSD doesn't he deserve some good in his life? Help the man out.) ((That being said my adventure of the day? maybe tomorrow? will be HERCULES MULLIGAN resident Dad Friend))
> 
> Your Diggs Comment of the moment has been replaced with this-  
> Y'all know who else is rockin it? THE MIGHTY FUCKING OAK. THAT MAN IS A PRECIOUS NERD BABY WHO LIKES SNAKES OKAY.   
> and apparently really really likes singing like Mickey Mouse.


	13. Chapter 13

Alexander really shouldn't have been surprised that there was blood on his face, and yet when he looked in the mirror he pulled back startled. A glance backwards showed John pulling on his pants, blood smeared along his face and chest. It wasn't a lot, and Alex was pretty sure that the other man's split lip must have opened up at some point during their previous activities but it was still strange to know that neither of them had noticed.

Alex's voice was rough when he spoke, tossing a rag and a bottle of water towards Laurens, "Before you go looking for your shirt, you might want to clean up."

Laughter filled Alex's room as John grabbed them out of the air, wetting the cloth before wiping himself down, "You think some blood is going to be bad for my reputation? It's you they're going to be worried about. Between how wrung out you look and all that? Might as well call you Count Hamilton."

"Maybe if some jackass didn't have an open wound," Alex would have continued to complain, but when he bent down to pick up a shirt off the floor he cursed, "Fuck. Did you have to be so rough. I do need to sit down some time this week."

John shrugged, and Alex did his best to steady his breathing. It wasn't as if he could really complain, they'd never been gentle with one another- not about this. Wouldn't know how to be soft, it was part of what made it work so well. Which wasn't to say that they didn't care about one another deeply, because they did. Laurens was probably the closest thing to a friend he had, they were just both too reckless for their own good.

A phone buzzed on the desk and Alex watched as Laurens' picked it up and threw it at him to catch, swiping he stared at the words there before giving a shaky laugh, "So my boyfriend wants to know if you'd like to join us for lunch in about twenty minutes. Said he's looking forward to meeting you."

If John was shocked about his admission, he didn't show it, walking towards the door, "Sure, why not. What's the worst he could do- kick my ass?" There was a snicker and then, "Though I don't want him to be upset with you. You sure us showing up together is a good idea?"

Alex shrugged as he opened the door, "If he didn't want you fucking me, maybe he should have done it himself last night."

It turned out to be the wrong thing to say, because there in the hall was Hercules Mulligan, "Herc- Wait-"

The RA shook his head, holding his hands up in front of him, "Not my business. I had just been.... I had thought Aaron might be good for you."

"Herc, I can explain," Alex pleaded, but Hercules was walking away, pointedly not turning around, "Fuck. When I thought he couldn't think any lower of me."

Laurens threw an arm around his shoulder, "Don't worry about it too much. Mulligan is basically the patron saint of silence. He's not going to rat you out."

Alex didn't explain that Aaron finding out was the least of his concerns. It wasn't as if they were really dating. Sure, Burr might not be super pleased that he was still going to sleep around, but he honestly didn't have a right to complain if he wasn't going to pin Alex to the bed every now and then. Laurens had no concerns about sex being used in a way that hurt, had no problem pushing him down, and barely preparing him at all. Lube and one, then two fingers, John rarely gave him time to adjust before thrusting and much like the nights they spent fighting, the rougher that it went, the easier they found it to face the next day.

Aaron, of course, would probably never understand that sometimes pain was it's own form of kindness. Sure it meant that John and Alex could never be considered lovers in any traditional sense, but as much as they were using one another, they were also doing their best to help the other survive. Alex puffed out his cheeks as they walked towards the dining hall, trying to come up with a suitable explanation for Hercules.

There was none. What was he supposed to claim? That they'd broken up? That Burr and Alex were in an open relationship? His comment had specifically come off as too pointed and spiteful to try and pretend that he had no idea that his behavior might upset a significant other. It wasn't as if he could explain that Burr wouldn't mind, shouldn't mind, because at least he wasn't out using and sex had to have been at least a step up from just getting his ass kicked.

Alex frowned, remembering Aaron's comment from the night before, about refusing to be the knife. It was over the top and savioristic, but then again Aaron seemed to be the human embodiment of a cape. And as much as Alex usually hated people like that, hated everyone trying to save him, hated that people thought for even a moment that he might need saving- there was something nice about knowing that the other man would be there. And apparently willing to be patient, if the lack of anger last night had been any sign. He'd been expecting for Herc to have been told, if not immediately after dinner time, then after hours of not hearing from Alex, and yet Burr had let it slide. Had trusted him not to have done something, or at least was willing to wait to find out what was going on. Alex wasn't sure he'd ever been trusted before.

As they neared the dining hall, Laurens' arm came off from his shoulders and they turned to one another for a moment, not saying anything at all. Gathering himself, Alex put on his game face and smiled before nodding, first at John and then the building, and together they walked in. A quick message to Aaron showed that he was already inside, sitting outside at the tables that he knew Alex was fond of. The two men got their meals quickly before heading out there, and they exchanged a final look before exiting the building, and Alex was just glad that John didn't bother asking if he was sure again.

It was impossible to miss the way Aaron's eyes drifted between them, especially lingering on marks around John's neck that he hadn't bothered to cover, but when the man spoke, it was all smiles, "John, right? We live in the same dorm, I think. Alex has told me so much about you."

"Call me Laurens, about everyone does," John said walking forward to shake Burr's outstretched hand, "And it's nice to finally meet the man who got Alex here back down from cloud nine. When Alex told me he was dating.... I can't say I believed it at first."

Which might have had less to do with his overall personality and everything to do with the fack that Alex had only bothered to mention it after they'd fucked, but either way Alex placed his plate down with a pointed click, shooting John a look, "I don't know why everyone is shocked that someone would want to date me."


	14. Chapter 14

Lunch had been tenser than Aaron had expected. When he'd asked Alex if John Laurens might be interested in coming along, the idea had been to meet more of Alex's friends and help create a more stable image of them as a couple. Instead the two men had arrived together, and if their appearance hadn't given their previous activity away, then the cringe that Alex gave when he sat down would have. The fact that Hamilton spent most of the meal acting like a kicked dog while Laurens tried to provoke him was just icing on the cake. When John finally dismissed himself from their lunch with a parting shot about how glad he was that someone was finally around to satisfy Alex's needs, Aaron looked up at the sky for answers.

There was a muffled sound from the man across from him, and when Aaron asked him to repeat himself, Alex hit his head on the table once before looking at him. "I'm sorry."

"For your friend's behavior or -" Aaron allowed the sentiment to hang in the air.

Alex's flinch almost made him feel bad, almost. "Are you upset about the other? and I am sorry about John. I think he was trying to test you."

Considering what Aaron knew of Laurens, it was likely the man was testing if he'd lower himself to taking a swing. "Should I be upset?"

The look that Alex sent him was despairing but Aaron was being honest with the question. While he wasn't pleased with being challenged so openly, and would hope that Alex was using protection and being safe, it wasn't as if he actually had a claim on the man. And still, Alex looked as if he'd personally set out to upset Aaron and was being called on it, or as if Aaron had just spent half an hour screaming at him. When Alex didn't respond, Aaron sighed before shifting his seat so that he was directly beside the other man, placing an arm around him.

It was strange, the ease at which Alex leaned into the half hug, but Aaron was starting to piece together that no matter how fighty the other man might be, no matter how sarcastic, or over the top sexual when trying to get a response- the thing that Alex responded to the easiest was touch. It almost hurt to look around at the people that Alex kept contact with and realize how few of them probably ever touched him with gentleness.

Aaron was so caught up in his own train of thought that he was startled when Alex spoke, "Herc saw us. Me and John-"

That hadn't even been on the list of things Aaron had been concerned about when he realized what had happened, but now that it was out in the open. "Damn it, Alex."

"That's me. Walking disappointment." The arm around Alex's shoulder tightened at the comment.

All day he'd been receiving texts from Thomas, his phone a constant buzz of jibes, trying to provoke him into some sort of reaction. Whether Jefferson was that pissed about Madison showing back up at his place, he honestly hated Alex that much, or if he just enjoyed the idea of upsetting Aaron- Burr wasn't sure. It might have even been the man's way of getting back at Burr for threatening to call Mulligan earlier that night when he'd been looking for Alex. All day Burr had been ignoring Thomas, refusing to respond to the constant implications that Alex was used goods, that if Burr hadn't already gotten his piece yet then he was a fool, that even Alex knew that was all he was worth. Aaron rested his cheek against the top of Alex's head, wondering if the echoing self-hate inside of there had Jeffersons' voice, or if Jefferson was just using Alex's own words against him.

Overhead the bells tolled around campus and Aaron sighed. "I've got to start heading to class. Are you coming with?"

"You mean you're still going through with this?" Alex's voice was bewildered.

Aaron stood up to throw away their trash, coming back to find Alex still sitting there, staring at him wide-eyed. "What are the chances that if I go to class right now without you, that you'll have found something by the time I get out? And if not something, someone willing to hurt you?"

Alex's silence was telling enough, and Aaron swung his backpack over his shoulder before reaching to grab Alex's hand and pull him to his feet. "Come on. I'm not letting you punish yourself for this, sweetheart."

The pet name was the closest he was willing to go, especially with so many people around them, but Alex seemed to catch on easily enough, grabbing his own bag before allowing himself to be lead, "You'll realize that I'm a horrible boyfriend eventually. Even John and Herc know-"

What John and Hercules knew was cut off when the devil himself appeared unsummoned. There was Thomas Jefferson, in all of his bastard glory, strolling towards them with such purpose that it was impossible to pretend that they didn't realize his intention. Even for Burr, who was a champion at pretending he hadn't heard his name being called across campus.

"Well if it isn't my two favorite boys," there was something seedy about Jefferson's voice as he joined them, "and here I thought you were just ignoring me all morning Aaron. Now I see that you must have been otherwise engaged."

Alex tensed beside him, but Aaron spoke first, "Thomas, where's your better half? James never did come back last night, I was almost worried about him."

A hand clapped down on Aaron's shoulder, and it took everything in him not to forcibly remove it as Jefferson spoke, "He just wanted to give you two boys some private time. He knows what a screamer that one can be."

Aaron was tempted to comment on the fact that he'd woken up to Madison choking the other man, but there was little doubt that Jefferson would turn it into something crude, so instead he looked off to the side, "Well, as pleasant as I find this conversation, I do have a class to be getting to. If you don't mind."

There he did shrug off the hand, frowning when Jefferson moved fluidly to touch Alex instead, and Aaron glared at the dark fingers that stroked Alex's cheek, "I'll let the two of you go off then. And Alex- just remember that should you actually need to get off, you know where to find me."

If Aaron had expected that the brush with Jefferson would instill some sort of fight back in Alex, he was disappointed when the other man nodded mutely instead. After Jefferson had walked away with a laugh, Aaron squeezed his hand, "You know he's just trying to get a rise out of you."

Silence settled around them as they walked towards Aaron's class, and the longer it stretched on the more concerned he became. He was trying to figure out something to say when a buzzing from his pocket distracted him. It was probably just Jefferson, aiming for one last cheap shot, but still Aaron pulled it out, giving Alex a long look when he was through.

"My presence has been requested. Will you be okay for a little bit after class? or do you have a class of your own perhaps?"

Alex shrugged. "If I go directly when yours gets out- I'll be late but the professor won't care too much. Planning on walking me to the door and make sure I sit down before you leave?"

It was just enough push back to make Aaron consider it, but in the end he shook his head. "How about I just trust you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So when I'm not busy screaming about how beautiful Daveed Diggs is (Which, btw, we were looking at his instagram earlier and it looks??? like he might be dating this chick but it also looks like said chick might be the girl from Getback and if so he is even more fucking adorable. Like 'hey this is my rap crew. it consists of my girlfriend and my bestfriend okay.')
> 
> I'm a girl scout troop leader.  
> and for those of you in America- specifically those of you in the South Eastern Regions. This is officially ur warning that cookie sales start soon. I have to go pick them up off the truck /Wednesday/. I am quietly screaming. especially because cookies went up to 4 dollars this year and I am going to go blue in the face explaining for the 20,000th time that we are one of the last councils to go up and that the girls get less than like.. 60 cents a box so can we not have this conversation infront of the tiny ones- wanna complain? complain about the boy scouts out there doing bags of popcorn for 15 dollars.


	15. Chapter 15

The paper on his desk was covered in almost illegible scribbles. Alex had wandered into class almost twenty minutes late, waved his apology to the teacher before plopping into a random empty seat and doing his best to empty his thoughts out of his head. The word Trust took up most of the page, done large in bubble letters and then filled with tinier script, the phrase 'how about I just trust you' written over and over and over again until it was impossible to read anything that was written there. The fact that Aaron kept choosing to trust him was mind boggling to Alex. 

When he ran out of room, he flipped to the next page and there he began the process again, except this time it didn't say trust. There was no big bubbled word in the middle of the page, just two words written so sloppily that it was almost like he was trying to obscure them from the beginning. 'Sweetheart' and 'Son' collided on the page as his pen worked furiously, as he breathed in and out of his nose, trying to remain calm. Trying to contain himself, his feelings, his urges.

Trust was something to be earned, that's what he'd always been told, and yet here was Aaron Burr trusting him against the odds despite him doing everything in his power to make the other man leave him be. Here was Aaron Burr holding his hand in public and calling him sweetheart, calling him son even though Hamilton had only been trying to piss him off with the Daddy comments. 

There was movement on all sides of him, and Alex suddenly realized that class was over despite the fact that he hadn't caught a single word the Professor was saying. Shoving his notebook into his backpack, Alex glanced around the room, hoping to find someone that he could corner for a conversation. Anything really to keep his mind busy while Aaron was off with whoever. Normally he'd text John to see if he wanted to meet for dinner, but the idea left a sour taste in Alex's mouth. 

It wasn't that he blamed John for the mess he was in, he didn't. Alex had invited him over for the sole purpose of sex, and he wasn't going to cry over spilt milk now. It was just that despite John's initial worry about showing up together, and him saying that he didn't want Burr to be upset with Hamilton, the other man had spent the rest of the meal purposely goading Aaron. And despite knowing that that was just how John was, always looking for a fight, always trying to get under everyone's skin, Alex couldn't help but be angry at him for it. Burr was bending over backward for Alex, and not only that but Aaron was choosing to trust Alex. Didn't the man deserve a break for that?

Huffing Alex glanced around the classroom again, frowning when he saw no one worth trying to talk to. Briefly he considered walking back to the dorms and seeing if Hercules was around for a chat, but if talking to John left a bad taste in his mouth, the idea of talking to Herc made him queasy. Herc has looked so disappointed in him, which was ridiculous because when had Alex ever given the man a reason to think better of him. As much as Mulligan's opinion of him mattered to Alex, it wasn't like he had ever presented a false image to the man. None of that changed how much the look hurt, how much the idea that he had somehow sunk even lower bothered him. 

Jefferson was right. Jefferson was always right about him. Alex dug his nails into his palm, trying to resist the urge to text the man. To give in and go back. Except he knew better, knew Thomas wasn't offering him his high back, wasn't going to let him disappear into his mind. No, if he texted Thomas right now, the other man would come through. He'd come through and leave Alex in even worse physical shape than John usually did. And no matter how much the idea of being treated like what he was worth was appealing, Alex couldn't do it. If for no other reason than the fact that Aaron would be upset. That Aaron had told him he didn't need to be punished, had called him sweetheart in the process.

"Mon Ami!" Alex turned at the voice, smiling shakily at the sight of Lafayette," Little Alex! How are we?"

Lafayette towered above him, the same way that Jefferson did, but the height difference didn't feel as intimidating when wrapped up in the smiling packaged that was Lafayette. The french man swooped down to give him a hug, picking him up in the air in the process, spinning him before settling him back on the ground and despite the darkness of his previous thoughts Alex couldn't help but laugh, even when Lafayette made a comment about him needing to eat more.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" Alex asked, trying to do the mental calculations in his head of the last time he'd actually spoken to the other man.

Lafayette waved a hand in response, "Too long, no matter how long it was. Would you like to join me for dinner, my little one?"

Dinner with Lafayette sounded like a godsend at the moment, "Where at?"

"I was thinking that little cafe off campus. The one with the croissants you really like." As he spoke, Lafayette was already changing directions to walk there.

Alex knew exactly what he was talking about, but there was no way he could afford to eat there right now, "Laf-"

The taller man only half-turned to look at him, waving for him to catch up, "I know you are not going to deny me my croissants Alex. Do not worry about your wallet. The bill is mine."

"You know I can't accept that, " Alex whined, even as he picked up his pace to fall in step with the other man.

Lafayette regarded him for a moment before shrugging, "Consider it a gift. A celebration. For our renewed friendship. Besides, my small friend, your presence is present enough."

Alex could have argued, should have argued, but Lafayette had a way of continuing forward even when someone presented a logical counter argument. Once his mind was set, there was little that could deter him and with everything else going on it wasn't as if Alex really had the energy to argue with him. The walk there was pleasant, filled with Lafayette's idle chatter about what he'd been up to since they'd last seen one another.

When they arrived at the small cafe, Lafayette settled into his favorite seat in the corner and Alex took the seat across from him, surprised at how unanxious he felt with the entire thing. Maybe it was that Lafayette was one of Hercules' friends, or his previous interactions with the man, but usually even the idea of accepting something from someone would cause stomach acid to build up in his throat.

After they ordered, Lafayette turned to Alex, "So, my small friend, I have heard that there is perhaps news? Is there more than one reason we should be celebrating today?"

The question confused Alex, until the french man blew a kiss in his direction and then he could only flush and look down, "Oh yeah. I guess you've been talking to Herc. Me and Aaron started dating a little bit ago."

The details of how they started dating was probably something that they should discuss at some point, but for now Alex was going to have to wing it on his own and hope it didn't contradict anything that Aaron might have said to someone. Or that if their stories differed they'd be able to come up with some goof explanation as to why, like one of them believing that a certain outing had been a first date when the other thought that they'd already been together.

"Aaron? Aaron Burr?" Lafayette sounded amused at the idea, "As in the stuffy monsieur who worked with Hercules last year?"

Alex scratched the back of his head sheepishly, "That would be the one. I know we seem a bit of an ill match, but he really cares about me."

Lafayette surprised him by reaching out to take his free hand in both of his, "Mon Ami, I am filled with happiness for you. It is about time you allowed someone to care about you."


	16. Chapter 16

Burr glanced at his cellphone one final time before walking towards the dining hall, trying to figure out a plan of action before he got there. The problem was that he wasn't even sure what had hit the fan though Alex's comment earlier might have been a great deal of it. If that was the whole of it Aaron would be able to relax some, after all, a bit of infidelity was common among couples. He could play his part of the upset boyfriend, and still be willing to go forward. As he approached the table that Hercules was sitting at, every bit of planning left his head when the man leveled him with a blank look.

Suddenly, Aaron could understand why Alex was so determined to not disappoint Hercules because the man didn't even look angry right now and throwing himself in front of a bus sounded like a good idea. Still, Aaron kept walking forward and sat down across from Mulligan, doing his best to appear calmer than he really was. 

"We need to talk," was all that Mulligan said, and Aaron could feel himself shrinking backward in his seat.

"Look," it was impulsive and Aaron hated acting impulsively, but Hamilton seemed to bring it out in him in spades, "I know. It's okay. I know."

Mulligan arched an eyebrow, "You know?"

"About Laurens," Aaron glanced off to the side, "Hamilton told me. About it. About you seeing. He's beating himself up over it pretty badly."

Of all the reactions that Aaron was expecting, Mulligan snickering as he shook his head was not one of them, "Well, it's good to know that what he lacks in fidelity he makes up for in honesty. I'm proud of him for owning up to it."

"You should tell him that." It was probably wrong of Burr to tell Mulligan how much he meant to Alex, but at the same time, he couldn't imagine Alex being forthcoming on the matter himself. 

The smile that Hercules sent his way was almost fond, "I'm sure that will go over well. I am not unfamiliar with his fits, ya know? Been around a lot longer than you have."

"Sorry," The apology came out before he could stop it, and Aaron gave a half shrug at having apparently overstepped a line somewhere.

"As nice as it is to hear that the pair of you will be okay and that you appear... willing to forgive his transgression. That isn't why I asked you to meet with me." 

Burr frowned, Mulligan wasn't usually this proper in his speech, wasn't as fond of delicacy as Aaron was. Either he was purposely mimicking Aaron in an attempt to even the playing field or something was afoot. Aaron wasn't quite sure that he was ready to go toe to toe with Mulligan, even if he'd realized the distinct possibility when he'd suggested dating to Alex.

Mulligan took his silence as permission to go on, "Alex has been in a delicate state recently."

"Is this a 'if you hurt him I'll kill you' conversation?" Aaron offered during a pause.

The snort that Mulligan gave in response was almost comforting, "Do we need to have that conversation or does my reputation precede me on the matter. No, what I asked you here for today is because I need to know what you know, Aaron. "

Something was definitely afoot,"What I know? I'm not sure I know to what you reference."

"He's been shaking again. The bruises are getting worse. and suddenly the two of you are so far up each other's asses that he didn't see me the first time y'all came through the other night. So how about you stop acting like I'm stupid." Well, apparently they were no longer dancing around the subject.

The question was whether or not Mulligan realized that they weren't actually dating. Hercules had seemed genuinely pleased that Alex had been honest with him about the infidelity, and for now, Aaron was going to run with that, "You know he was using then."

Hercules gave a half shrug, "I had my suspicions, ones that he refused to validate." And then, after a pause, "Does that was mean what I think it means?"

Aaron glanced away again, couldn't help but wonder how betrayed Alex would feel by this entire conversation," I'm trying to help him get clean. It's.. tough. But we're trying. He didn't want you to know he was using. I don't think you understand how much your approval means to him."

Something in Hercules's face softened, "He's a good kid. Worries the shit out of me, though. You know who got him hooked? He wasn't using when he first joined the floor."

As much as Aaron wanted to see Jefferson's face beaten in, he wasn't sure that outing the man would be the best choice of action right now, "I'm unsure, and even if I did know... maybe that's something you should hear from Alex himself."

For a moment, Burr wasn't sure that the man would accept that for an answer, but then he gave a small half shrug of his own, "If I can ever get him to open up to me about the use in the first place. He knows how I feel about drugs. I just.. wish he understood that my feeling towards them doesn't necessarily transfer to every addict. There's only so much preaching I can do. At the end of the day, I know more about addiction than I think he realizes. I could help him get clean if he were just willing to talk to me about it."

It was tempting, the idea of Hercules helping Alex. But Alex would probably consider the two of them talking about him a betrayal, not kindness. Right now, Aaron's main priority was keeping the peace and making sure that Alexander would feel comfortable enough coming to him in times of need, and that would all probably fall apart if Alex had any more reason to believe that Aaron was just going to call Hercules. 

There was a buzzing, and Aaron patted down his pocket before realizing that it was coming from the other side of the table. Hercules's head was already bent over his phone, and when he glanced up, he shrugged, "That was Lafayette. Apparently he just saw Alex, is planning on inviting him to dinner. Wants to know if I'd like to join them."

"Are you going to?" Aaron couldn't help but be a little curious though mostly he was relieved to hear that Alex was in one piece.

Mulligan shook his head, "Nah, let the children play. Alex is a lot more comfortable around Laf than he is when I'm around."

"You know that's only because he wants your approval, right?" Aaron wasn't sure why he felt compelled to reassure the other man, but it was true.

Again, Mulligan only shrugged, "Either way. Well, as pleasant as this chat has been, Burr, I've got RA duties to complete and I'm sure you'd appreciate some time to yourself before Alex gets done with dinner. Keep me updated."

Aaron nodded rather than give a verbal response, waiting for Hercules to leave before heading towards the dorms himself. There was homework to be done and, at least, one project to be worked on, but once in his rooms, he found it almost impossible to focus on any of it. All he could do was sit on the bed and stare at the place where Madison had been choking Alex. Think of the way that Jefferson had touched Alex's cheek so softly earlier that day. Of the cringe on Alex's face when he moved, showing just how ungentle John had been with him. 

Frowning he fired off a text to Alex, letting the other man know that he was back in the dorms for the evening and that if Alex wanted to be let in, he could text and Burr would come down. An offer, not a demand that Alex meet up with him and tell him how he was coping, not a requirement. Because this was about enabling Alex to make the right choices, not forcing him into doing something that he didn't want to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my I think I've now had /two/ chapters without end notes. is it even a fic by me if there are no end notes about Daveed Diggs????
> 
> Please read this thing  
> and just  
> love him even more
> 
> http://www.playbill.com/news/article/rapper-daveed-diggs-gets-real-about-getting-his-shot-in-broadways-hamilton-377247
> 
> as always you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com 
> 
> and major shout out to the folks who helped me get through writing the last chapter. We had a skype chat. It was wonderful. I love talking to people as I work- so feel free to hit me up on any platform.
> 
> So those who checked out chapter two of loco parentis- got a bit of a hint that this was coming. That Herc has always known more than he let on. 
> 
> ALSO- this update is coming at you at 2:30 AM my time. I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow there will probably only be one update on a single fic. Whether that will be loco parentis, the girl scout one, or this- I'm not sure. 
> 
> Tomorrow (... today.) I am going to go see large animals play with christmas trees and quite possibly take pictures of them and assign Hamilton characters to them because I can.


	17. Chapter 17

"Allow me to walk you back to your dorm, Mon Ami," Lafayette said, throwing an arm around Alex's shoulders as they left the restaurant.

Alexander tried not to flinch at the contact, smiling up at Lafayette when the man sent him a concerned glance, "Only because I feel like I can trust my virtue with you."

The arm on his shoulder lifted and then came back down gently, and Alex didn't have time to hide the flinch because Lafayette gave him a worried glance, "Little Alex, what trouble have you been getting yourself into that you are so sore?"

"I was just fighting with John," when Lafayette's look darkened, Alex quickly explained, "Consensually. We were just blowing off some steam. It got a bit out of hand, that's all."

Lafayette frowned, "Should you not be blowing off steam with your Aaron?"

It wasn't an accusation, at least, Lafayette probably hadn't meant to hit as closely as he had on the subject, "But then who will be there for John?"

"If this John is half as cute as you, Mon Ami... well, any friend of yours is a friend of mine too," Lafayette said with a grin, pressing a kiss to Alex's forehead.

The rest of their walk was filled with idle chatter and the vague promise of seeing each other again soon. It was an idea that Alex hoped actually was followed up on this time, and he even told Lafayette that he'd see if Laurens was open to the idea of them doing lunch sometime. It would be interesting to see how the pair would interact, Lafayette all ease and affectionate jokes next to John's biting wit. Cute or not, there was probably a limit to how much Lafayette would be willing to take from the other man, but who was Alex to try and decide what he could handle.

As they approached the dorms, Alex veered toward the left and Lafayette gave him a strange look, "Do you not live under our Hercules anymore?"

"I do, thank you. I just... uh, Aaron's dorm is this way?" Alex offered as he pulled out his phone to text the other man.

Lafayette nodded, "I shall allow you to go... blow off steam with your Aaron. I think I will meet up with Hercules if he is available."

Alex nodded, watching the man go towards the other dorm before walking the rest of the way to Aaron's dorm, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot as he waited for the other man to come down. When Aaron did finally appear, holding open the door so that Alex could walk through, Alex chewed on his lip looking sheepish as he did. They said nothing as they got on the elevator though Aaron kept shooting him glances, obviously waiting for something to come out of his mouth. But nothing he could say felt adequate, and suddenly his previous joy at having seen Lafayette fled.

Burr didn't hesitate when he opened his dorm room, and Alex had sat down on the bed before he realized that Madison was there, sitting at one of the desks. The man gave them a disgusted look, "Is this going to be a thing now? I thought I saw enough of him before."

"I'm allowed to have guests," Aaron responded, leaning against his closet, "You got a problem with my choice in guest, you can always go hang out with Jefferson."

Alex watched as Madison frowned, "Just remember that guests can't regularly spend the night. Per dorm rules."

That was fine. Aaron was probably already annoyed with how often Alex had slept over. The man obviously wasn't expecting him to share his bed when he'd offered to be his boyfriend. But the idea of sleeping by himself wasn't the most appealing, especially after having spent the last two nights pressed against the man. Alex shifted backward on the bed, staring up at the ceiling so that he didn't have to acknowledge Madison's taunting as he tried to figure out what he was going to do. It wasn't as if sleep was all that important to him right now, but the stretches that he was able to go without sleep were going to grow smaller and smaller the longer he went without a hit. He'd just have to make sure he was properly exhausted before trying to lay down alone.

The thought process was broken by Aaron's voice, steady with a hint of malice, "Please do report me to the RA, James. I'm sure that conversation will be... enlightening for all parties involved."

There was a sound, probably Madison slamming the textbook he'd been reading closed, and a rustling that must have been him shoving it in his backpack because then Madison was storming out of the room. Aaron sat on the bed next to Alex, scooting back so that his back was flush with the wall before muttering, "good, go. I'm sure Thomas was missing his little bed warmer."

Alex frowned, "I'm sorry I'm causing such a problem. I should have just gone back to my dorm."

Alex startled slightly when a hand came down on his knee, and when he looked over, Aaron was giving him an earnest look, "I'm proud of you for coming back. I know it must have taken no small amount of courage to do."

It was too honest, too uncomfortable considering the emotional whirlwind that he'd already been on today. He didn't want Aaron to be proud of him, didn't want the man to be kind to him. He'd gone and gotten fucked, and in the process, fucked everything up because Hercules had seen and then John had made a scene. Aaron had every reason to be upset at him, if not for the original infidelity then for the fact that it made everything more complicated. As if Alex wasn't a problem enough all on his own.

The moment stretched on until he couldn't stand it anymore, jerking out from underneath the touch, cringing as he pulled his knees up to his chest. It hurt. It hurt to stay like that but he deserved it, to be reminded of what he'd done. To his side, he could hear Aaron sigh, and Alex didn't look over, didn't want to see the look on the man's face. Didn't want to be looked at like a kitten in a storm drain. He'd caused it, every ache in his body, every self-damning thought, this was all his fault so Aaron didn't have the right look at him like he needed to be saved.

"Am I not allowed to be nice to you right now?"

Fuck Aaron for asking, for asking so patiently at that, as if Hamilton was being perfectly reasonable rather than a complete mess of a person, "I don't deserve it."

It was too honest. Suddenly Hamilton wished that he'd said something else. A simple no would have sufficed, but something biting would have been better. Something to make Aaron less understanding, less interested in being kind, less.... patient. All Hamilton has done is make a mess of things. Madison was angry with Aaron and that's his fault, and if Madison's angry it was very likely that Thomas Jefferson was too. 

Suddenly Hamilton felt nauseous, flinching back from a touch that wasn't there, reaching up to scrub at his face to make the feeling Jefferson's fingers quieter. He's twitching again, tempted to text the man, tempted to offer himself. Even knowing it won't get him what he wants, won't get him the drugs, the pain of his morning activity have worn off enough to make the act less than suicide, but barely. Jefferson wouldn't be gentle, Jefferson had never been gentle. But maybe....

maybe if Jefferson got to hurt him he would leave Aaron alone.


	18. Chapter 18

Aaron stared at the man next to him, unsure of what he's supposed to say. He'd been so proud when Alex had texted him, so pleased that despite everything that had happened earlier, that Alexander was choosing to check-in in person. He'd thought telling Alex that would be a good idea, reinforce positive behavior right? Except Alex had shrunk back from him, didn't want Aaron to be nice to him, and the longer they sat there the darker Alex's expression became. Aaron had resisted the urge to intervene when Alex scratched as his face, but then the movement had moved to his arms and Aaron's stomach lurched when he noticed a sliver of blood from the man's nails.

The look Alexander sent him when Aaron reached out to grab his wrist, open and desperate and Aaron had no idea what was causing the pain there. It might have just been another craving, another fit, but Aaron was beginning to figure out that even when it was the cravings, there was usually something else going on at the same time.

"I need to go," Alex's voice was frantic.

It was that tone that solidified the fact that, as much as Aaron wanted to respect Alex's wishes, there was no way that he was letting the other man out of the room alone, " Where are we going?"

Alex shook his head, "No we. Me. I need to go."

The hand that Aaron wasn't clutching was scrambling for Alex's phone and he'd begun typing before Aaron finally reached over to still it as well, "Alex, where do you need to go?"

There was no response from Alex, who was still twitching to get out of his hold, and Aaron cringed when the phone fell. He couldn't be absolutely sure that was Jefferson he was trying to contact, but the 'Macaroni Man' at the top didn't exactly give him great comfort that Alex hadn't been about to reach out to the man who destroyed his life.

"Alex," Aaron was doing his best to keep his voice level, "Please tell me why you were trying to text Thomas."

For someone as skinny as he was, Alex could put up quite the fight, twisting and snatching until Aaron gave in to his own instincts. The tussle lasted only a few moments, ended with him sitting on Alex's chest, the man's arms pinned above his hand. He shouldn't have been able to manage that, wouldn't have been able to manage it if Alex had been thinking clearly, if the other man wasn't already so injured, and Aaron hated himself for taking advantage of that.

"Tell me why you need to meet up with Jefferson and I might let you up." He wouldn't, Aaron knew he wouldn't and he said it anyway in hopes that maybe it would make the smaller boy open up.

The form beneath him bucked, but it wasn't enough to displace him, "Let me see him. I need to see him."

"I need to see him isn't an answer. Why, Alex?" Even tone. Trying his best not to say anything that might cause Alex to feel anymore shame, to cause Alex to blame himself for anything else.

Not that Alex seemed to appreciate his careful antics, "I'm not going to let him hurt you because of me. If he wants to hurt me, he can have me. After all, he's right, I'm begging for it. From you, From Laurens, From everyone. So why not him...."

"Because you can trust me and Laurens not to take anything too far. You can trust us to care about you, even when you don't care about yourself." Aaron shifted his grip on Alex's wrists so that he could poke the man in his chest, "Jefferson just wants to destroy you. For whatever sick, twisted game it is he plays with people. Jefferson isn't going to touch me, Jefferson might try and tick me off, but he'd never risk actually hurting me."

Alex didn't seem to believe him, "Rather him hurt me than you."

"No one is going to hurt anyone," Aaron said, "No one is going to hurt anyone. Alex if you don't calm down I'm going to call Hercules. Or Laurens. Or Lafayette. I don't care, we'll have a giant date. All five of us. I don't care if you and Laurens sneak off to blow each other, hell, invite Lafayette if you want. But no one is going to hurt anyone, do you understand?"

Worry still had control over Alex's features, "How do you know he won't hurt you?"

That was a question Aaron could answer, "One. He knows I can blow the whistle on his entire drug operation- including the name of more than one of his middle men considering I've lived with Madison all year. Two. And Two is the one I want you to listen to right now. Thomas Jefferson is terrified of Hercules Mulligan. And you might be self hating enough to not tell Mulligan when he comes around, but Jefferson knows me better than that."

"Why would he be afraid of Hercules?" It was an honest question, though one that made Aaron wonder how much the other man actually knew about his RA.

"Alex, name one other addict you know in your entire dorm building," Aaron waited, and after a long silence, he smiled, "Jefferson had no idea where you lived when he sunk his claws into you. Mulligan is probably half the reason Jefferson is so nasty to you. You live in the dorm, you know what kind of man Hercules is- you know his lack of tolerance for drugs."

The longer Aaron talked, the more he realized that it was probably true. That Jefferson's extra dose of cruelty wasn't necessarily for his own amusement, but because the other man knew that if Alex ever ran to his RA... that there would be consequences. And what better way to keep an addict quiet than to make them feel like it was their own fault? To make them blame themselves for everything? Addiction was shame-based as was. Or, at least, that's what the things he'd been reading online had told him.

"You know Hercules Mulligan as your benevolent RA, an almost father-like figure who looks out for you. Upper classmen still remember that he barely skated on assault charges after a meth-head roughed his brother up. The charges were dropped mysteriously after said meth-head received a visit from a few alleged members of the Sons of Liberty while he was in the hospital. Of course, there's no proof that Hercules is involved with them, but the combined threat of a biker gang and your RA? is enough to make any drug dealer think twice."

Alex still didn't look like he believed him, but the man had stopped struggling beneath him and that was enough for Aaron to tentatively let go of his hands, and then- when Alex didn't immediately start fighting, roll off so that he was sitting on the bed again, "Look. Let's start the entire evening over. Why don't you tell me how your dinner with Lafayette went?"

It took Alex a moment, but he finally moved to sit next to Aaron, looking off to the side as he did so, "How'd you even know about Lafayette anyway?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual conversation between me and H on the phone.
> 
> The writer: "I am Thomas Jefferson."  
> H: "Kind of want to punch you now."  
> The writer: "I am Thomas Jefferson. And I broke my wrist jumping over a fence to impress a pretty girl. I also get a lot of migraines when I'm around pretty girls.  
> H: "Uh huh"  
> The writer: "I had a headache in the Room Where It Happened. A Ham confirmed to be a pretty girl"
> 
> and now I really want to write genderfluid a ham


	19. Chapter 19

Alex could almost feel the exasperated look that Burr was sending his way, but it was a valid question. Aaron had mentioned Lafayette something like three times that night, and unless something had fallen out of his mouth without him realizing it, Alex hadn't mentioned who he'd seen at all. Alex felt nauseous, unable to quite shake the notion that maybe Aaron didn't trust him after all, but was instead sending people after him to make sure he was doing the right thing. He raised a hand to his face, slowly, not wanting Aaron to think he was attempting to scratch again, to rub at his eyes. It was ridiculous to be upset, it wasn't as if Alex considered himself a trustable person either. But the idea that Burr honestly believed in him earlier had filled him with such.... something.

There was a sigh to his side, and then Aaron was talking, "I was with Hercules when Lafayette saw you. Lafayette invited him to join the pair of you- I figured you at least knew that part."

That was possible, Alex did remember Lafayette sending texts and then pouting that Hercules was too busy to pay attention to him, but that only brought up an even more pressing concern, "You promised you wouldn't tell Herc! I've been good. I've been good. I swear."

Aaron's hand was on his thigh, and Alexander stared down at it, before looking back up at the man, trying his best not to cry, "I've been good."

"You've been good," there was something off about Aaron's attempted smile, it made him feel uneasy, "Hercules was the one who asked to speak to me."

Alex sounded for all the world like a child when he asked, "Why?"

"The expected reasons, "Aaron gave a half shrug, "He cares about you, Alex, and he wanted to make sure that I had no intentions of hurting you."

He'd already moved before he realized what he was doing, twisting and turning until he was curled on his side, head resting on Burr's thigh, "You're the only person who hasn't. Don't understand why not."

There were fingers running through his hair, and Aaron apparently made the decision to not comment on the latter part, "I find it hard to believe that Hercules has hurt you."

"He slapped me once," Alex interjected, " I was having a panic attack and he was trying to get me to calm down. But he still slapped me. I've begged you to hit me and you still won't."

Alex's hair was being tugged, gently, and he pulled away to try and make the sting more apparently, but Burr only let go, "We need to find something else for that energy of yours. I've been trying to do some reading. From what I've seen it's important to have someone to be accountable to- someone you can talk to when you've got cravings. And something to replace the drugs with. A couple somethings. Apparently it can help to have something physical that will help get rid of the energy, but it's also nice to have something you can do that is repetitive. Something you can try and draw focus too, but not be in too much trouble should your attention slip. The lady whose blog I was reading apparently took up knitting."

It was absolutely bizarre listening to Aaron go on and on about different strategies for getting sober. Alex knew he should be paying more attention, should be a more active part in his own recovery, but everything hurt right now and his head was still spinning and there was Aaron's voice. Steady and quiet, seemingly uninterested in receiving a response as he continued to share the things that he had learned, a life raft in the emotional tides that Alexander was still trying to get under control. He was saying something now about going grocery shopping over the weekend, about possibly getting that candy that Alex liked so much, and Alex turned his head to nuzzle the man's thigh, pouting when the hand in his hair moved him slightly, closer to the knee.

"Why not?" Alex muttered, twisting so that his back was against the bed now, looking up at Burr who looked tired.

Aaron ran his free hand across his head before settling it back on the leg that Alexander wasn't occupying, "I can talk to John if you like. Tell him that we have an open arrangement, if that's what you need."

"Why not? I'm not trying to hurt myself this time. I just want to thank you." Alex repeated because it didn't make sense. No one had ever touched him so often, or with such kindness, no one had ever stuck around without wanting something in return. It didn't make sense for Burr to turn down the one thing that Alex could offer him.

Burr exhaled, and Alex almost felt guilty for pressing the issue, "While I am glad that you're appreciative for what I'm doing, I don't exchange my friendship for sexual favors. I'd rather not risk a situation where you feel like you have to try and... please me... or lose your support system."

"I don't understand why you want to be my friend. I'm more trouble than I'm worth. At least... at least, with the other I know what I'm bringing to the table." Alex muttered.

 Burr snorted, "You're a lot of trouble, that's true." Aaron's arm draped itself across Alex's chest when he tried to move at the statement, "But not more trouble than you're worth. If you'd prefer me having some sort of ulterior motive, the idea of proving to Thomas Jefferson that he can't keep pretending that he's done no damage is an attractive one to me."

Alex chewed on his bottom lip, relaxing back into the hold, "So you're not mad at me for upsetting Madison?"

"Madison tried to choke you last night. He doesn't get to be upset at you," Burr's tone was dark, "That being said if you'd prefer to not risk running into him, but still want someone to stay with you in the evenings, I am not adverse to staying in your room on occasion."

The fact that Aaron repeatedly turned him down, but was still willing to stay with Alex at night felt like a contradiction. But if Aaron wanted to be confusing, Alex wasn't going to argue the matter, especially because night had always been the worst time for cravings. There was something about when the silence fell and Alex didn't have anything else to do that had him itching for anything that might give him space between him and his own mind. 

"I understand that's your space," Aaron was speaking again, and Alex looked up confused, unaware of how long he'd been quiet, "I'm not saying you have to. I'm just offering to be there if you need me. I know I had originally threatened to call Mulligan if you didn't see sense, but I think that might have been the wrong move. Getting sober has to be your choice, Alexander. I'll do everything that I can to help you follow through if this is the choice you want to make, but being sober won't mean anything if you're still disempowered at the end."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last night was a shit cravings night because unfortunately... even years after doing anything on a regular basis, sometimes you will stop and go 'oh god you know what I need right now?' (also, in honor of that shit- have some actual advice on getting sober in this chapter.)
> 
> but yesterday was fucking awesome and I went to the conservator's center and they describe their animals in really adorable ways. So instead of trying to find a dealer last night/physically tearing myself apart like I occasionally do when shit hits the fan-  
> http://writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com/post/137021308766/meet-aaron-burr-as-played-by-maru-the
> 
> became a thing. please enjoy the barely edited bios of the conservator's centers animals.
> 
> Here is ur Diggs fix of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWmzSbY7sAU


	20. Chapter 20

[From: A. Ham  
5:30 AM

I just made 48 cupcakes.  
Out of frosting.  
Do you know how to make frosting?]

[From: A. Ham  
5:35 AM

No, I haven't slept.  
Why?]

[From: A. Ham  
5:38 AM

fine.  
Give me a sec to turn off the stove and I'll be there.]

Aaron pressed his forehead against the brick of the building, trying to wake up all the way before Alex opened the door for him to come in. It was tempting to snap, to ask the other man if he realized what time it was, but Aaron had been the one to tell him that he could text no matter the hour. The offer was meant as a safeguard, a way that Alex could ask for help if a craving hit or if he was spiraling and needed help.

Alex never asked for help. That was one thing that Aaron was learning, he'd received no text messages with that four letter word, none that mentioned cravings. No, Hamilton wouldn't admit when he was in pain, instead the text messages that he did get were filled with either 'interesting facts' or questions. Instead of saying that he was having a rough night, the other man would ask if Aaron had seen this or that movie and then demand that they watch it together, instead of saying that he was struggling with cravings, Aaron would get texts about how hard it was to do a headstand or pondering the meaning of the universe.

Baking had been Alex's most recent adventure in regards to things to do with the fits of energy that still sometimes consumed him, and for the most part, Aaron couldn't complain. After a few initial disasters that had apparently taken Hercules and Alex hours to clean up, Alex seemed to have found his niche.

By the time Alex opened the door, he was already talking, "According to the internet, all I need to make icing is powdered sugar, milk, butter, and vanilla. And a mixer. I don't have a mixer, do you think a fork will work?"

Burr shrugged, walking in, "The only way to figure it out is to try. I'm sure it won't be as smooth as if you had a mixer, but if I trust anyone's ability to overcome obstacles- it's yours."

Alexander shot him a smile, but Aaron wasn't done, "Is there a reason you pulled an all nighter?"

A shrug was his only response as Alex led him further into the dorm building, down the hall and towards the kitchen. The room was filled with the aroma of fresh baked goods, the counter covered with white cupcakes, a plate of cookies sitting on top of the microwave, a bowl filled with a questionable white substance sitting off to the side, and the sink filled with an obscene number of pans. It was obvious that Alexander hadn't just made 48 cupcakes, but Aaron just rubbed at his eyes, leaning against the wall as he waited for an actual answer from Alex.

"You could have texted me, Alex" Repetition, reassurance. They'd been doing this for weeks now, and while Alex had been good about at least getting Aaron's attention when he was having a rough time, there were still mornings like today where Aaron felt like Alex needed to be reminded that it was okay to not be okay. That Aaron wasn't going to suddenly abandon ship on him just because the timing wasn't ideal, or because Alex had asked him to come over the night before to watch the basketball game.

Aaron watched as the other man moved around the kitchen, pulling milk out of the fridge and grabbed the butter off of the stove to scrape it into the bowl. If Alex would rather attempt to make frosting than talk to him, Aaron wasn't going to complain, but he also wasn't going to remain standing. With a yawn he allowed himself to slide down the wall, leaning his head back once he was sitting. If Alex wanted him to be a conversational partner, he was going to have to come up with something a lot stronger than cupcakes to wake Aaron up.

A spoon being thrust into his mouth was apparently Alex's answer, and Burr almost choked before glaring up at the man, "Does it taste good?"

Burr groaned, "Can a man get some warning next time? And it tastes fine, Alex. What are you going to do with all of these things anyway?"

This wasn't a question that Alex had anticipated if his overdone blinking was any indication, "Er... Give... them.. to people? I thought about just bringing them to the student union and handing them out. The cookies are for Herc, he really likes chocolate chip. And the cake.... I guess that's the hard one."

"There's a cake?" Aaron hadn't meant to sound that bewildered, but Hamilton just shrugged and pointed towards the refrigerator.

"It was one of the first things I made last night," Alex began, "Part of why I ran out of frosting. You sure the frosting isn't too sweet?"

Despite his question, Alex had moved away from him, already in motion to put the icing on the cupcakes. Aaron watched him, content to drift back off when Alexander spoke, his voice much quieter than normal, "How's Madison?"

"James is fine, I suppose." he'd already answered Alex before it struck him what a strange question that was for Alex to ask, "Why?"

Another shrug, "No reason."

"Alex," Aaron pushed himself up off the floor, placing a hand on the other man's shoulder, unsurprised to find it tensed, "Did something happen last night?"

It was a long shot, but James had been with Thomas last night in Monticello. Or at least, that was what Aaron had assumed. For the first time since he'd come in, he actually took a good look at Alex, frowning at what he saw there. Or rather, what he didn't see. If Alex had been up all night baking, there should have been some signs of exhaustion. Even when Alex got in his little fits, there was something. Yet Alex hadn't so much as yawned the entire time that Aaron had been there, and the baked goods were physical evidence that he'd been up, even if not all of the night, most of it.

"Alex," Aaron tried and failed to keep his voice even, internally cringing at the crack there, "Tell me what happened."

Still no response, but when Alex tried to jerk out from under his grip, the shirt he was wearing slipped to reveal a fresh set of bruises. A sight that wouldn't have been shocking three weeks ago, but Laurens and Alex both had made the decision to try and exhaust their energies in a better fashion. They'd taken up running around campus at all hours of the night at the prompting of Lafayette who occasionally joined them. Aaron's mind was spinning to connect the puzzle pieces, trying to come up with an answer that didn't make him sick to the stomach.

Realizing that he wasn't going to be able to get his shoulder out of Aaron's grip, Alex turned instead, giving him a pleading look, "Please don't tell Herc."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know how hard it is to make icing with a fork?  
> Do you?  
> Because I do.  
> also going to college with me when I hit my baking phase was a fucking trip because it'd be 4 AM and I'd be in the kitchen and then as people were going down the halls for their 8 AM's I'd just pop out like "Want a cupcake? I made like 70 and I don't think I can take these all with me to class." I had to learn how to make frosting from scratch because the stuff our little market carried was disgusting. When I figured out creamcheese frosting..... that was the best.
> 
> Also, we all know and love sick fics- so why don't you go check out http://archiveofourown.org/works/5697883/chapters/13125145  
> by my best mate hollytrees. Show them some love. It's their first time ever posting fic.
> 
> There would be like.. 75% less fic from me if it weren't from them always being there for me to bounce off of. 
> 
> Also- Your Diggs detail of the day is this interview right here: http://www.vulture.com/2016/01/roundtable-interview-with-the-cast-of-hamilton.html?mid=twitter_vulture  
> where he talks about being excited that MC Hammer came. and talking about wanting to play Angelica if there was a gender-reserved version.
> 
> As always- you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr if you want to share head canons or give prompt ideas!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for implied rape/mentions of possible non-consent. 
> 
> and along side that- internalized victim blaming. It's not out and out said, it could be read as Alex just having done something risky. but  
> yeah.

Aaron still hadn't answered him, was still staring at his shoulder like it held all the answers and the longer that the silence stretched on the more nauseous that Alex felt, "Please. I'm begging you, don't tell Herc."

"What am I not telling Mulligan, Alex?" Aaron's eyes are closed now, his voice careful controlled and Alex can't help but wonder what it's like to be able to do that.

What he wouldn't give to be able to do it, right now, because he's searching for an answer that isn't a lie, but isn't the truth either. Truth is, Alex is a shit liar, especially when his nerves are singing, he'd always fallen back on sarcasm to hide questionable half-truths but Burr wasn't going to accept that right now. Nor did Alex think he could actually muster up enough attitude to actually be sarcastic. He'd been constantly in motion for hours now, but the drugs Madison had given him were beginning to wear off and if he wasn't careful he'd just end up crying.

The hand on his shoulder loosened its grip and Alex flinched as Aaron traced the marks that must have formed there, "If I give you my word that I won't tell Mulligan, will you tell me what happened?"

"Promise you won't tell Herc?' Alex was a broken record and he knew it, but he needed more than an implication, he needed Aaron to actually say it.

There was a long exhale and then, "If you're honest with me- completely honest... No matter what you say I'm not going to tell Hercules."

Completely honest was a foreign concept, and Alex struggled for a place to begin until Burr prompted him, "You asked about Madison. Why?"

"I didn't know if he'd gone back to the dorm," Alex regretted bothering to ask, hadn't realized that it'd get him interrogated, but he'd wanted to know- had needed to know.

Ever patient Burr didn't seem to have any issue giving him another line to follow, "If he'd gone back to the dorm after what Alex?"

"Madison drove me back to the dorm," he knew this must be frustrating for Burr, his inability to answer more than a single train of thought at a time, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't put everything together in a cohesive narrative, not after spending the entire night doing his best to destroy it in his head.

Aaron waited for a moment and then, "Where were you at with Madison to begin with that he needed to drive you back to the dorm?"

Alex couldn't answer, didn't want to answer, didn't want to talk about it and something must have shown on his face because the hand that had been lightly touching his shoulder was pulling him in instead. Usually he would have fought it, but instead he went, allowing Burr to wrap an arm around him. They stood like that for a long moment, Alex finding comfort in the steady beating of Aaron's heart, trying to focus on it and nothing else.

"It's okay Alex. It's okay if you used. I just want you to be honest with me, okay? I'm not mad."

Except it wasn't only that, was it? It wasn't as simple as Alex using, "I ran into Jefferson last night."

That time Aaron didn't throw him a hook, didn't ask a follow-up question, apparently assuming that was the end of the story. And Alex could have left it there, should have left it there, knew he was making a mistake even as he went on, but couldn't stop himself. Now that he'd said that, that part, he had to continue, couldn't let Aaron think he'd gone out last night looking for a chance to score.

"Madison.... Madison found me sitting on the stairs.... after. He was angry, so angry and I thought it was at me. He stormed into the house and I didn't think I'd see him again... When he came out he told me to get in the car. Gave me some sort of pain killer, I'm not sure what it was- not my usual rodeo." Alex's voiced cracked on the bad attempt at humor, ever conscious of the growing tension in the body supporting him, "Gave me a couple adderall too. I think he felt bad? That's why... It's stupid, I just wanted to know if he went back last night. Or if he went back to the dorm."

Burr's voice was low when he spoke, "What did Jefferson do?"

Alex shrugged out of the hold, stepping back and looking over the baked goods he'd spent so long making, part of him tempted to shove one in his mouth to avoid answering the question. If it weren't for the fact that the idea of eating right then only added to the nausea he might have. 

"Nothing I didn't deserve. Like I told you before," Alex attempted a smile, but considering Burr's look he must have missed the mark, "I'll always be gagging for it."

Aaron looked more exhausted than he had any right to considering he wasn't the one who'd been awake all night, and yet Alex still felt guilty. For dragging him into this whole mess, for not being better, for not reaching out, for not... being whatever it was that Burr wanted him to be. But it was hard to be that when Aaron was so bloody patient with him, never pushing, just understanding. It made it hard for Alexander to figure out what he wanted, other than the obvious. The one obvious thing that he'd gone and fucked up tonight.

The man regarded him for a long moment, before seemingly reaching a conclusion of some sort as he shoved his hands in his pockets, "How long until the physical symptoms start up again?"

Alex snorted, glancing off to the side, "Not sure. Probably won't be as bad this time around? Less built up in my system. Cravings will be a bitch again."

"Were they ever not?" Aaron said, "I don't want you alone. I'm not.... I stand by what I said about not telling Mulligan, but Alex, I'd really rather not leave you alone right now. Do you want to call Laurens? Maybe Lafayette? Or we can do something if you'd like..."

Laurens and Lafayette were gone, or if they weren't already they would be soon, taking advantage of the long weekend to go check out things in the nearby city. They'd invited Alex to come along yesterday, and he'd turned them down, not wanting to be cooped up in a hotel room with the two of them. Ever since he'd introduced them they'd bickered worse than he and Burr did.

Alex made a face before smirking, "All yours, Daddy. All yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP  
> that got dark.
> 
> ANYWAY
> 
> as always, I don't always respond to comments but I do so dearly appreciate every single one of them. My inbox over on tumblr is always open for prompts/head canons/general chatter.


	22. Chapter 22

Aaron could have pressed, could have kept asking questions, could have continued on until Alex gave him a straight answer, and all at the same time, he couldn't. The idea of not knowing what Jefferson had done made him nauseous, especially knowing that whatever it was- it had been enough to upset Madison. The same James Madison who had tried to choke Alex only a month ago. The same James Madison who had been unsympathetic to the idea of Alex going through withdrawals alone. So disgusted with whatever state he'd found Alex in that he'd given him a ride home, and a handful of drugs.

Aaron could have pressed, but Alex's trust in him was already so hard won. That much was obvious by the repeated plea for him not to tell Mulligan. So instead he'd asked the second most pressing question on his mind, how long it would be until the symptoms started up. Getting Alex through the worst of it the first time had been hell enough, he wasn't particularly looking forward to going through it again. But at least this time he wasn't walking into the situation blind.

The daddy comment almost caught him off guard, it'd been at least two weeks since Alex had quipped at him like that, leaning more towards obnoxious pet names when they were out in public to show his displeasure. Aaron only reached forward to rest a hand on Alex's shoulder, "So what's on the schedule today, Sweetie? You have my full attention."

"Daddy's full attention? I'd say that I must have been such a good boy recently, but we both that's not true." Alex paused, then shrugged, "It's been a long week, it's going to be a long weekend. Can we get shitfaced?"

That was not unfamiliar territory, "Ah yes, let's replace one addiction with another, I'm sure that will go over fantastic."

Alex responded as expected, "One weekend isn't going to turn me into an alcoholic. Why do you have to be so uptight?"

Aaron closed his eyes. The conversation could go on forever, often had devolved into full blown arguments but right then he really didn't want to risk that, "How about first things first, we get this kitchen cleaned up before Hercules wonders if you're planning to start a bakery."

There was a tension in Alex's face at the mention of Hercules, that relaxed almost immediately when Burr finished speaking. Still, Aaron regretted mentioning the other man at all, obviously Hamilton was still feeling sensitive to the threat of being told on. A part of him wished that he'd never promised to not involve the other man, he'd made that promise under the impression that the worst that had happened was Alex getting high- that maybe he picked a fight or went out and had rough sex. It hadn't seemed that far of a leap, and then Alex had started talking about Madison, about where he'd been, about the fact that the drugs had been given to him after. After. Whatever had caused those bruises had been done to Alex while he was sober. And Alex wasn't being more specific. There was a small voice in the back of Aaron's head replaying all the comments Jefferson had made about Alex, but what was worse was the part that recalled every time Alex mentioned sex with Jefferson. Was it just time that had made it easier to talk about then? Or had something worse happened. And if so, could Aaron really not tell Hercules?

The clattering of pans being washed pulled Aaron out of his thoughts, and he stepped over to help Alex clean up the mess, "The women's center should still be open today, the LGBT center as well- we could bring the cupcakes to them."

Alex seemed to consider it for a moment before nodding, "What is your deal with the women's center, anyway?"

That was the second time that Alex had asked him a strange question today, though this was a lot less ominous, "My deal?"

"Yeah. Back first semester when Madison and I," there was a pause, and Aaron cringed when he noticed Alex lightly touching his neck there, "when we uh, talked more. He always used to complain about you and the women's center."

Aaron rolled his eyes, "Of course he would. How dare a man think that women deserve to be treated with respect or care about issues that aren't directly related to him. Last year, when I had more time that I could volunteer, I actually used to help with events. Last semester I packed my schedule a little too heavy and well... this semester there just hasn't been time."

Alex's expression was dark, "This semester you've had your hands tied up being the patron saint of sobriety for an ungrateful brat."

"It's so good to know that these are the terms that you define our relationship by. I suppose if I have to be 'Daddy' then it only makes sense you're my brat." Aaron stopped for a moment, the pan he was about to put into the cabinet hanging mid-air as he did, "Are you sure you don't want to be my princess? My sweet little girl instead?"

He was glad to see Alex's flash of a smile as he finished putting the dish away, "Is that what you want to do this weekend then? Play dress up? I bet I'd look great in a skirt and that panties would feel great against my-"

One of these days Aaron was going to learn that playing along with the joke only made Alex take it further, but for now he was stuck squirming as Alex licked the inside of the hand he'd clamped over the man's mouth to get him to stop talking, "Alright, alright. I give in," he muttered pulling his hand away to wipe it on his jeans.

Alex only snickered, "I was just going to say my ass. We've been dating for what... about a month now? Don't you think you should be more comfortable with mentions of my anatomy."

Even though they were alone in the kitchen space, it wasn't safe to remind Alex that they weren't actually dating, which was probably exactly why the man had brought it up, "Has it been a month? Time flies so fast when I'm with you, sweetie. That being said, you know how old fashioned I am in terms of pda. There are just certain things that shouldn't be mentioned outside of the bedroom."

The small 'hmph' noise that Alex made while crossing his arms was almost adorable and Aaron would have appreciated it a lot more if he didn't already know he was going to hate whatever came out of Alex's mouth next, "Maybe if you spent more time with me in the bedroom, I wouldn't need to."

"Alex," Aaron was aware that his tone was borderline pleading, all hints of joking dropped, "Especially considering how you've spent the last 24 hours, can we not argue about this again?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam first time I actually mention what time of year anything is happening.
> 
> uh originally I was going to have it be late fall semester? but that really doesn't fit with the timeline of addiction/some other details I'd mentioned without thinking about it. and like sure- I could just... ignore that reality... and most likely no one would have noticed.  
> But I would have known. So it was either 'Alex started school during the summer semester and met Mads/Jefferson then' or 'We're actually in second semester.'
> 
> So we're somewhere late February/early march.


	23. Chapter 23

Aaron's hand in his was comforting, not that Alex had any intention of letting the other man know that. It was one thing to joke about being sexual with the man, another thing to actually say out loud that he appreciated the small touches. Alex tried to recall seeing Aaron being touchy with other people they were around but came up with nothing, which meant that it was probably part of Aaron's boyfriend act. The idea that the kindness was just a persona made Alex's heart clench, so he did his best to cling to the fact that if it was just the act, Aaron would have no reason to lay a hand on them behind closed doors. And as much as Alex gave him hell about not touching him in the bedroom, it wasn't quite true.

They'd spent the morning gathering up the baked goods and putting them in containers before heading towards the women's center when 8 AM finally rolled around. The woman manning the desk was none other than Angelica Schuyler, and Alex stood back as he watched Aaron and Angelica exchange cheek kisses. He had absolutely no reason to be jealous, especially considering he knew that Peggy's older sister was engaged, but Alex still made a face, pouting when it was noticed and Angelica only leaned in to kiss his boyfriend one last time.

"It is good to see you again, Ang," Aaron said stepping back, "I'm not sure if you've met my boyfriend, Alex, yet?"

Alex only smiled at Angelica's look, though it fell slightly when she spoke, "Your boyfriend? And here I remember you being so... reliable with the ladies, Aaron."

Aaron's hand had found his again, and Alex stared at the space where their skin met, "It shouldn't be shocking that I'm just as reliable with gentlemen then. The fairer gender is lovely, I'll never deny you that... but I'm sure you also understand that sometimes you just need a man in your life."

"Alright Prince Charming, I just wish you'd felt comfortable enough to come out while you were still here," Angelica glanced to the table where Alex had sat down the boxes of cupcakes, "but more importantly, is that for me?"

This time, it was Alex that spoke, "For the women's center. I'm in a bit of a baking kick right now and Aaron suggested that we bring the fruits of my labor here."

It wasn't until Angelica had opened one of the boxes and bitten into one, that she sent Alex a genuine smile, "Why can't straight men bring me gifts like this?"

"Because your fiance would be jealous," Aaron laughed before turning to look at Alex, "But I do think we should get going. We're going to drop off some at the LGBT center and then... have a breakfast date of sorts... Unless you think you can get rid of all of these?"

Angelica peered at the boxes on the table before nodding, "If I can't- I'll bring them over there later myself. Besides, don't you know by now that the LGBT center never opens on time. It's almost a matter of pride for them how late they always are for everything. You boys have fun."

Alex shot Aaron a pleading look once they'd left the center, "I really don't know that I can eat right now," when Aaron only gave him a look he followed with, "and I'm probably going to crash soon. I haven't slept..... since the night before last?"

"We'll stop by the coffee shop. Can you try and eat a muffin at least? If you lose any more weight, you're going to disappear."

Aaron really hadn't needed to go there, but all the same, Alex nodded his consent, "Fine. I'm not that skinny, you know. And if I get sick, it's your fault."

The hand holding his tightened its grip, "I'm just proud of you for trying... and for not threatening to be sick on me. "

For a split second Alex considered making a quip about how happy he was to make daddy proud, but the public setting made him settle for a quip about not wanting to be predictable. Aaron had only rolled his eyes, pulling him along into the coffee shop where he ordered a coffee for himself and a muffin for Alex. Alex had puffed out his cheeks, hating the fact that Aaron insisted on paying for everything when they were out together. Aaron always countered with something about his trust fund, but it still didn't make Alex enjoy being a charity case anymore. Especially since Burr would never consider taking alternative payments. 

His facial expression must have changed because the hand that had been holding his released him, and instead an arm wrapped around his waist as they walked back toward Alex's dorm. Burr might have been talking, he wasn't sure to be honest, but he was grateful that if so, the other man wasn't expecting any sort of response. He was much too focused with trying to make his stomach stop revolting, even as he swiped his ID to let them in the building.

A surprised Hercules greeted them in the hallway, "Well, weren't the two of you out and about early. Any plans for the weekend?" 

Alex tensed, using the moment to eat his muffin to hide that he was unsure of what to say while Aaron shrugged, "Alex here isn't feeling so well. We'll probably spend the time off in his room for the most part."

A hand clapped his shoulder, right on top of the bruises and Alex lurched, causing Hercules to take a startled step backward, "Oh. He really isn't doing well, is he? You've got my number if either of you need me. Keep me updated, Aaron, if you don't mind?"

"Of course, " Aaron replied before guiding Alex toward the elevator. 

Once they'd reached his room, Aaron had turned to say something, but Alex didn't want to talk. Not about what they were doing, not about what had happened, not about how he felt. So instead he shoved the man backward onto the bed. Aaron might have protested if Alex hadn't climbed on the bed immediately after, curling up with his head on Burr's lap. 

There was a chuckle above him, a hand scratching his head lightly, "You know, you could just ask."

"Not as fun as making you think I'm about to jump you," Alex mumbled.

Alex couldn't be sure it wasn't his imagination, but he could almost swear that he'd heard Burr mutter something about time under his breath. He thought about pressing the issue, but the hand in his hair was heavenly and he hadn't been joking about crashing soon. If he brought up something that might make the man uncomfortable, Burr was likely to make him get off his lap and right now.... right now Alex just wanted to fall asleep there.


	24. Chapter 24

The knock on the door was quiet enough, but Aaron still glanced toward Alex to make sure the man was sound asleep on the bed before pushing back from the desk he'd settled himself at. Aaron was surprised to see Hercules when he opened the door, and he held a finger up to his lips before exiting out of the room and motioning for the RA to follow him down the hall some. While he was relatively sure that Alex had been asleep before he'd opened the door, the last thing he needed was for them to either wake him up or for Hercules to bring up something sensitive and Alex to poke his head out at the wrong time trying to figure out where Burr went.

When they were at the end of the hallway, he finally stopped, "Hey, sorry about that. He's out like a light and I'd rather it stay that way."

"You know," Hercules said, "I wasn't sure about you in the beginning. But you really do care about him, don't you?"

Aaron resisted the urge to make a face, "Of course I do."

"No need to get defensive," Mulligan held up his hands in front of him, "It's just surprising how well the two of you actually work."

It wasn't as Aaron could actually argue on that point. He'd caught himself marveling over the same thing himself recently. Not that Alexander wasn't difficult anymore, the man still didn't know how to accept kindness, was still determined to pick fights when he got uncomfortable, and he took a little too much joy out of flustering Aaron. But they worked in ways that no one could have predicted. Even if Alex was only putting up with him for the support that he offered.

Hercules gave him a look, and it belatedly occured to Aaron that he probably should have responded to the statement, but the man was talking before he could come up with something, "Not what I came by for. I just wanted to see how he's doing and ask if you needed a break. I know how needy he can be when he's sick."

Aaron bit his lip, trying to weigh the odds of Alex waking up and doing something stupid. Chances were that the worst of his symptoms would just be the shaking, and that would be easy enough to play off as common sickness so long as Alex didn't do anything else strange. That and the fact that it wasn't as if Hercules was completely unaware of Alex's previous habit, along side the fact that Aaron really would appreciate the chance to go back to his dorm and catch a shower were the final deciding factors in his decision.

"You'll text me if he wakes up?" Aaron asked.

Hercules paused on his way back to Alex's dorm, "God you're are a piece of work. Yes, Aaron, I will text you if he wakes up. I wouldn't want to deprive you of a single moment of him whining."

Aaron was robbed of the chance to retort when Hercules disappeared into Alex's room, and he rolled his eyes before heading toward the elevator. The walk back to his own dorm was brief, but it at least gave him time to clear his head and try and figure out what all he should do before getting back to Alex. He needed to grab a few changes of clothes after his shower, his laptop, and maybe even a book or something to do if Alex spent much time asleep. It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to grab something for them to eat in the dorm either, Alex was usually less anxious about eating things that Aaron brought rather than ones he knew were being specifically bought for him.

When he went to place his key in his door, Aaron froze when he noticed that his room was already unlocked. He could have sworn that he'd locked it before leaving out that morning, a fact that was confirmed when he walked in to find Madison at his desk. The man glanced up at him, before looking back down at whatever it was he was working on.

"Oh. And here I thought you were warming Jefferson's bed today," Aaron couldn't resist snapping as he went in search of his shower things. 

There was a loud screeching sound, and when he turned around, Madison was no longer at the desk but standing right behind them, "You should be happy to know I quit."

"Warming Jefferson's bed? I'd say I'm sorry to hear about your lover's quarrel but," Aaron gave an exaggerated shrug, "all things considered I don't really care."

Madison didn't back up, even when Aaron stepped forward to try and leave, "No. I quit. I fucking lost my best friend because of your little boyfriend."

There's something about the way that James says 'boyfriend' that implies disbelief but Aaron is too caught up on the first part to comment on that, "You aren't going to blame Alex for whatever the fuck you and Jefferson got up to last night. I can't believe you gave him drugs again, after how fucking hard he's worked to try and get sober."

"Boy was shaking like a leaf on a tree," Madison snapped, "Kind of assumed he'd already gotten his hands on something. I was trying to be nice."

"Of course, leave it to the drug dealer's lacky to think kindness is handing an addict pills."

Aaron stumbled backward when James pushed him, but before he could go to retaliate the other man had stepped back completely, looking exasperated as he spoke, "Former. Drug dealer. What part of I quit don't you get?"

"Maybe the part where you gave my boyfriend drugs within the last twenty-four hours." That time he stressed boyfriend, glaring at James as he did so. 

Madison rolled his eyes in response, "Yeah. I did. Because he was out of his fucking head. And then, I gave him a ride back to the dorms. Because I was trying to help him."

Burr tried to take another step forward, frowning when Madison didn't finish moving out of his way, "Do you want humanitarian of the year award, James? Or can I go take a shower right now so that I can get back to Alex before he wakes up."

"Maybe I just want you to acknowledge that I punched Jefferson over your little piece of ass, " Madison snapped, "Or that I did try and do the right thing last night. Maybe, I might even want to know how the bastard is?"

Aaron stared at him openly there, "Have you considered that if you want to play the role of actually caring about him, you shouldn't insult him repetively?" 

"So no, we aren't going to acknowledge that I just threw away not only my source of income, but my friendship with Jefferson over him." Madison moved again, this time back to his desk, slamming open the book that was sitting there, "Obviously, neither of those hold a candle to me calling him a bastard. Please, go take your damn shower. I just wanted you to know it was safe to have him around here again. I know you've been careful not to do so when I'm around, but I'm going to be around a lot more now."

This was honestly the most bewildering conversation Aaron had had in a while, and considering Alex's habit of blowing things out of proportion that was impressive, "I haven't had him around here because I woke up to you choking him."

"As if I'm the only person to ever think about choking Alexander Hamilton! He wouldn't shut up, I was tired, is a man allowed to make mistakes?"

Aaron readjusted his hold on his bath things, staring at Madison's back before finally leaving without comment. There were just some strands of conversation that weren't worth following and Madison calling choking his boyfriend a mistake was one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LIN IS TURNING 36 YEARS OLD ON SATURDAY???????
> 
> I AM SCREAMING


	25. Chapter 25

"Not a lap," Alex muttered grumpily, rubbing his face into the pillow his head had been placed on as he tried to wake up.

The voice that answered him was not the one he was expecting, "Not a lap. I don't think Aaron would be too pleased with me if I took advantage of his sleeping boyfriend that way."

Alex rolled on his back, pulling the pillow with him to hold it over his face as he groaned. Hercules Mulligan was in his room. Hercules Mulligan was sitting only a few feet away from him and had apparently been watching him sleep. Alex took a moment to try and remember if he'd undressed before laying down, feeling a flood of relief when his memory came up empty on that part. That meant he was still wearing his jeans and long sleeve shirt, not to mention the hoodie Aaron had made him put on before they left that morning. His bruises would hopefully be covered and any shaking accepted as him being sick. Finally ready to face the other man, he pushed himself into a sitting position, doing his best to smile.

"Good to know you're happy to see me," Hercules said with a snort, "Aaron needed to go take a shower and grab some things, I offered to watch over you in the mean time."

Instead of responding like a rational human being, Alex scrunched up his face and pet the space on the bed next to him, "Lap."

Hercules hesitated for a moment before standing up and going to sit on the bed, and once he was there Alex gave a contented sigh as he moved to lay his head back down, "You're explaining this to Aaron if he's angry. There's not many fronts I'll abandon you on, but awkward boyfriend conversation is one of them."

"Can't be mad at me," Alex mumbled as he squirmed, trying to get his entire body under the blanket that Aaron had apparently laid over him before leaving.

The RA didn't stroke his head, not the same way that Aaron did, but a firm hand did find itself resting on his back and Alex would take that, "and why can't Aaron be mad at you?"

Because we're not actually dating wasn't an appropriate answer, and Alex had to pause to search for one that fit before shrugging, "Sick."

"It's so good to know that your talking like a four-year-old when you don't feel well hasn't changed any. Have you been to see the doctor yet?" Herc asked.

If he was feeling honest, Alex could have told him that the four-year-old thing was something that he only did for Hercules. A behavior he'd started by accident the first time he'd gotten sick after moving into the dorm. He'd spiked a nasty fever and Herc had spent an ungodly amount of time checking in on him, making sure that he was okay. By the time Alex had felt well enough to talk like a normal person, he'd realized that the childish behavior gained him more sympathy than his usual snarking. It wasn't something he would lower himself to using on a regular basis, but the extra bit of kindness had always been too tempting when he felt unwell.

Alex rolled onto his back so that he could look up at Hercules, "No doctor. Be fine by classes."

The hand that had been on his back before shifted to lay across his chest as Hercules tried to find a comfortable position, "Promise me that you'll go to the doctor if not. As patient as Aaron is, I'm sure even he doesn't want to put up with this for another week."

It was the wrong thing to say, to remind Alex of while his nerves were still shaky. This time when Alex rolled, it was completely off of Hercules' lap, instead curling up in a tight ball facing the wall. He didn't want to think about it, about how much Aaron was going out of his way to take care of him, how he'd thrown it all in the man's face by taking the pills when Madison offered them. He should have turned them down, should have given them back or thrown them on the ground, but he'd just wanted the blissful silence in his head back. The drugs made everything simple and clear, made it easy to focus on whatever he wanted to focus on, rather than having the thoughts bat at him from all sides. When Hercules reached over to touch his shoulder, Alex flinched again, curling in on himself tighter.

Mulligan might have been the one touching him in real life, but he couldn't get Jefferson out of his head suddenly. The taunting voice reminding him of how much of a burden he was, that this was the only reason that Aaron stuck around and even then, Alex shouldn't expect him to be there for long. Everyone got tired of him, he was too much work, too mouthy, and didn't he realize the only thing his mouth was actually good for. There was cursing above him, and Alex could vaguely hear the clicking of keys and he knew he should respond to Hercules, but he couldn't. Could only clutch tighter at the blanket and pretend he wasn't quietly crying.

Hercules moved, getting off the bed so that instead he could kneel next to it, trying to make eye contact, "Alex, I'm sorry. I'm sure Aaron would stick around even if you were sick for a month."

Alex shifted again, pulling the blanket up so that he could hide his face in it, "Alex... shit... I'm sorry. I should have listened to Aaron when he told me to text him as soon as you woke up."

Except that would only mean being more of a burden to Burr. Suddenly, Alex didn't want Aaron to come back at all, he didn't want Hercules there, he just wanted to be left alone, "Go away."

There was a long sigh, and Alex only shifted backward again when he felt the bed dip, "Alex, I'm not leaving you like this. Aaron should be here soon. I'll go then if that's what you want. I am sorry."

"Go away," Alex repeated, doing his best to sound authoritative and not like he was crying. Not like he wanted comfort.

He didn't deserve comfort.

Hercules was still talking, but Alex ignored him, instead focusing on tensing his muscles to calm the shaking. He wasn't sure if it was from the drugs or the emotions or what, but he did know that he didn't want Hercules to see any more of it. There was a sound and then he felt Hercules stepping back, and he had a spare moment of relief before a much larger weigh settled on the bed beside him.

"Thank you for staying with him," Aaron sounded calm, "but I'll take it from here."

Another sound, most likely Hercules leaving, and Alex didn't move, even when Aaron reached out to stroke his side gently, "You planning on telling me what has you so upset?"

Alex peeked up from his blanket, making an indignant noise when Aaron took the motion as consent to physically manipulate him until his head was back in Burr's lap. The fingers scratching at his scalp were more insistent this time, either a sign of tension or Aaron assuming that this was the drugs leaving his system but either way Alex pushed his head into the touch, still trying to get his breathing under control.

"So we're not going to tell me what has you so upset?" Aaron's voice was light, not demanding and unfortunately that only made Alex want to cry even more. 

"Don't want to be a burden," he muttered trying to pull the blanket to cover his face again and whining when Aaron stopped him.

Dark eyes peered down at him, concerned, "Who told you that you were a burden?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles* I had one job.  
> I had one job....  
> and I fucked it up.  
> all y'all wanted was some nice Hercules comforting Alex.  
> ... well, that and Macaroni man dead.


	26. Chapter 26

Alexander wasn't answering him.

Aaron continued to scratch at Alex's head, trying to figure out how to go forward from there, "Did Hercules tell you that you were a burden?"

It didn't seem likely, but then again the chances of coming back to the dorm to find Alex freaking out and ignoring the other man had seemed unlikely too. The head in his lap shook, and Aaron nodded, slightly relieved. While obviously Hercules had done something to trigger this spiral, at least he wasn't the main cause. Aaron stared down at the figure in his lap, frowning when he noticed Alex's hand go up to his shoulder. The hand that wasn't currently in dark locks came up to grab it, not wanting the man to dig into the bruises he already knew were there.

The idea of it made Aaron freeze, "Alex. Was it Jefferson?"

There was no response that time, no shaking of the head, no nothing and Aaron swore, "I'll kill him."

"Don't," was all Alex said before burying his face in Aaron's thigh.

A few hours ago and Aaron would have assumed that the motion meant something, but even though the act put Hamilton's face far too close to his crotch for comfort, there was nothing inappropriate about it. Except, perhaps, the part where he was defending Thomas Jefferson as if the man didn't deserve to be drawn and quartered. For the second time in less than an hour, he hooked his hands under Alex's armpits, forcing the man to move with him as he laid down, moving so that Alex's back was pressed against the wall and at least half of him was covering Aaron's chest. Alex squirmed for a moment, briefly protesting before settling.

It had been Alex's second favorite position a few weeks ago, right under the one when Aaron would give in and actually lay on top of him, "That better?"

There was a pause, and then a quiet, "Don't deserve."

Aaron briefly wondered if it counted as telling Hercules if he got James to do it instead. Considering how badly the man seemed to want his 'good deed' recognized, it wouldn't be that hard to prod him into talking with the RA. He wouldn't even have to tell Madison what to say, just suggest that maybe they'd be willing to forgive him if he spoke with with Alex's protector. Depending on how angry Madison actually was with Jefferson, he might even just suggest that if Hercules found out that everything would be taken care of. Except involving Madison would mean it coming out that Aaron knew all along who Alex's dealer was. Aaron scratched at Alex's back as he thought, already knowing he wouldn't do it. The idea of Hercules giving him a black eye wasn't appealing, but more importantly, the idea of Alex never talking to him again wasn't one he was fond of. 

"Maybe I'm not doing this for you, maybe I'm doing it for me," Aaron said after a long moment.

The head on his chest moved as Alex shifted to try and look at him, "You don't like to cuddle."

That sentence was probably the closest they were ever going to get to Alex admitting that he enjoyed cuddling, and Aaron could only roll his eyes, "How do you know what I do and don't like?"

Alex's head settled back on his chest before the man spoke again, "You don't touch anyone else. You kissed Angelica's cheek but even the two of you didn't hug."

Aaron hadn't realized that Alex had been paying that close attention to how he interacted with others, "Maybe I just like it when you touch me."

There were a thousand ways that sentence could go wrong, and Aaron stared up at the ceiling as he waited for Alex's response. For a seductive 'well then, let me touch you then', for a petulant 'why not let me go further if you like it so much?', for half a dozen come-ons or complaints about Aaron not letting him go all the way. Or worse, a comment about that being all Alex was good for, another half-sentence that Aaron wouldn't be able to hear without the echo of Jefferson's voice.

Instead Alex rubbed his cheek against Aaron's chest, almost like a cat marking its territory, "Like it when you touch me too," a pause, and then much quieter, "Like you."

Aaron wondered if Alex could feel his heartbeat there, could feel that despite how calm he worked to keep his voice, how much effort he put into sounding neutral most of the time, how much this was effecting him. Voices could be modulated, and with enough counting, so could his heart rate but not fast enough with a body on top of his. It seemed ridiculous, stalling, but instead of responding Aaron reached up to scratch at Alex's head, pleased when the man relaxed just a bit further. Cat-like was definitely the best comparison for Alex's behavior. 

Direct eye contact being seen as threatening, purring both when pleased and when frightened, running away but also demanding to be touched. Aaron shifted his hand to scratch at the space behind Alex's ear, smiling fondly when the man made a small noise of pleasure in response. He could have kept on like that, could have not responded to Alex's statement at all. It was obvious that Alex wasn't waiting for one, possibly didn't even think that Aaron had heard. 

It was the wrong time, especially with everything that had happened with Jefferson. It was the wrong time because Alex was likely to be battling with cravings again, wrong time because Hercules Mulligan had just brought him to tears. Alex had to be feeling more emotional than usual, was definitely more vulnerable and open. All the reasons why Aaron had already repeatedly turned down sexual come on after sexual come on. Because he wouldn't be that guy, wouldn't lower himself to Jefferson's level. Refused to take advantage of Hamilton's needs and wants, especially when they so often came linked to self harm.

But this hadn't been sexual, despite Alex having every opening to make it so, and maybe that's why Aaron finally said, "I like you too, you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......... does that make up for my misdeed?


	27. Chapter 27

It wasn't that Alex didn't understand why Aaron was exhausted, he did. After all he had been the one to text the man at five something in the morning to ask about frosting recipes. It was just that he was bored, and Alex had never quite handled boredom well.

They'd fallen asleep earlier, but now Alex was wild awake and Burr was still snoring away. Logically he knew that he should probably get off the man and find something to do in his room to amuse himself, but the idea of amusing himself wasn't as tempting as the thought of making Burr do it. Alex twitched, shaking his head to get rid of a stray echo from earlier, the thought only driving his commitment to waking Burr up. After all, Aaron wouldn't want him laying around by himself thinking about what a burden he was. 

After all, Aaron had said he liked him.

Alex shifted so that he could stare down at the sleeping man's face. He hadn't been expecting a response when he'd told Aaron that he liked him, any more than he expected Aaron to take him up on any of his offers for sex. It had just been something he needed to say, needed the man to know that he genuinely enjoyed being around him. And Burr scratching his head in response had been answer enough, the motion probably meaning more to him than it did to Aaron, because it told him that it was okay. Aaron hadn't shoved him off, hadn't entirely ignored the comment, hadn't tensed beneath him in discomfort. Then, he'd done him one better by responding in kind, and even if the voice in the back of his head was insistent on reminding him that Aaron could very well have meant that he liked him as a friend, Alexander Hamilton still had the memory of Aaron saying he liked him.

Which was good, because he was probably going to be a lot less pleased with Alex when he was done waking the man up.

Counting down from three, Alex leaned in to lick a long stripe up the side of the man's face, sitting back with a grin when Aaron's eyes flew open. A hand tentative touched Aaron's face, and Alex watched as Aaron pulled it back to stare at his own fingertips before looking back at Alex, exasperation clear on his face.

"Why?" was the only thing Aaron said when words finally found him.

Alex hummed for a moment as he thought of his response before shrugging, "Would you have been upset if I'd kissed you awake?"

Burr didn't answer, but his facial expression did the talking and Alex laughed, "See, so it's good that I licked you instead."

There was a moment where Burr was still clearly trying to wake up and comprehend Alex's chosen method of waking him up, and then Burr shooed him off the bed, muttering about having to go to the bathroom and would Alex please behave for five seconds while he was gone. Alex made a face at the door and briefly contemplated locking it behind the man in revenge. But that wouldn't be behaving, and Aaron had already been so nice to him today, even when Alex had been on his worst behavior earlier. Perhaps the man did deserve a break.

Instead Alex busied himself by changing clothes, finding it too hot in the dorm to keep wearing the same hoodie and long sleeve shirt from earlier. He was still looking for a button down shirt to pull over his tank top when the door opened and when he finally turned around, Aaron was staring and not even in a good way.

"You saw it this morning. Chill," Alex snapped, sliding first one arm and then the other into the flannel shirt he'd grabbed.

Aaron didn't move, didn't avert his eyes from Alex's chest even once everything was covered, "I saw part of it this morning."

"Can you stop staring?" When Aaron still didn't look away, Alex groaned, "I knew I should have locked you out of the room when you left."

There was a twitch on Aaron's face, one that Alex couldn't read before the man spoke, "Am I allowed to ask you to take your shirt off?"

Alex crossed his arms, unhappy with where this was going. If he'd realized that waking the man up would end up with him interrogated he would have tried to play one-man poker, "Want my pants off too? How far would you like me to go because if you're looking to see all of it..... well then I'd be naked and you seem to have something against seeing me that way."

He regretted the comment almost immediately, especially because Aaron didn't actually say anything, just raised a hand to his face looking like he was about to be sick, "Stop. Please. It's nothing... nothing that hasn't been done before, okay? It'll heal. I'll be fine."

The silence continued as Aaron moved to sit on the bed, still looking at Alex with that strange mix of sympathy and horror as he held out his arms. Alex shook his head, he didn't want to be held right now, didn't want to be comforted. Instead he turned around and struck the closet door, hissing before hitting it again and again before finally allowing himself to sink to the ground. Part of him was surprised that Aaron hadn't tried to stop him, but more than anything Alex was angry. 

At Jefferson, at Madison, at Burr, but mostly? Mostly at himself. All he'd wanted was to wake up Burr so that they could spend time together and be pleasant and now it'd devolved into another not conversation about what had happened last night. Alex startled when a hand lightly touched his knee, and he looked up at Burr kneeling there, looking more uncertain than usual.

"Alex, I'm sorry I pushed, do you want to talk about something else now? Go for a walk maybe?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow I am going to be spending a ridiculous amount of time prepping a cultural lesson about valentines day around the world and convincing small children to make 60 odd cards....
> 
> so very likely  
> there won't be an update at all tomorrow.


	28. Chapter 28

Alex was being difficult.

Which wasn't anything new, not really, but for the first time since about a week into this strange experiment, Aaron had zero idea of how to proceed. Alex didn't want to go on a walk, didn't want a hug, didn't want to be laid on, didn't want to shove sour candy in his mouth, didn't want to talk, and Aaron had run out of suggestions an hour ago. Then again, an hour ago they'd been locked in a staring contest because Alex couldn't say 'no, I don't want to go for a walk'. No, Alex had stared at him and then shoved him, and Aaron knew considering the state Alex's body was in he had no right to be annoyed at the fact that his butt was going to bruise, but that didn't change how he felt.

Still unwilling to leave Alex alone, Aaron had grabbed a book from his bag and planted himself at the desk to read. At the very least this allowed Aaron to know if anything was going to happen, and also granted Alex some sort of privacy to continue pouting on the floor if that's what he really wanted to do. Aaron frowned, nose wrinkling as he retracted that particular thought. Chances were that Alex didn't want to pout on the floor, the man had every right to be emotional and upset and if Aaron was going to be upset as well, he needed to make sure that it was at the right person.

There was a shuffling sound to his right, but Aaron kept his head over the book, flipping the page despite having not read more than a few sentences. At this point it was more about keeping up the appearance of not paying attention to Hamilton than it was about getting any sort of school work done. Another noise, Aaron twitched, running his finger along the page slowly, tracking the motion with his eyes. There were steps, and Aaron could feel him, feel Alex standing over his shoulder, but he only flipped the page, trying to make a point.

Except Hamilton had a point to make all his own, and when standing there didn't get Aaron to look up, he reached down to grab Aaron's hand, pulling it until it settled against his stomach. Aaron froze, resisting the urge to jerk his palm away from the bare skin there, instead doing his best to slowly look up at Alex. To keep his expression as neutral as possible while doing so, despite the sinking in his gut. Because there was Alex, dressed in only his boxers pressing Aaron's hand against purpling skin. It had been meant to get his attention, not as a size comparison, but Aaron couldn't help but notice how much larger the mark was than his own hand. 

Aaron tilted his head up, determined to make eye contact this time, to not further upset Hamilton.

Alex's face was strange, his grip on Aaron's wrist tight as if he expected the man to pull away. "It's nothing worse than what Laurens and I did to each other."

There were finger sized bruises disappearing under Alex's waistband, another set on his upper arm, and maybe if that had been all- Aaron would have agreed. Except that wasn't all of the bruises, barely accounted for the one that was peeking out from under the leg of his boxers, nor the ones on his chest. Aaron hadn't seen his back yet, and still, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that there were some there as well. Even if not there was a difference between two men fighting because they were trying to avoid self-destruction, and what Jefferson had done. Alex's reaction to it proved that, more than anything. Alex had never cried after he and John fought, he'd never been in such a state that someone felt the need to drive him home, hadn't been in such a state that it had been safe to assume he'd already done drugs again. That drugs had been thought of as an act of kindness. 

"Laurens and you were both active parties. I have no reason to believe the same is true of Jefferson. To my knowledge he's only walking around with one bruise right now," it was a cautious statement, one Burr said while raising his other hand to gently grip Alex's elbow.

Alex frowned, "Did you punch him?" At Burr's blank look, Alex's voice only grew more panicked, "Shit, did you get Hercules to punch him?"

"Alex," Burr said, tone more amused than it should have been considering, "If Hercules knew you looked like this right now- do you really think that Jefferson would be walking?"

A moment passed, and Aaron could feel as Alex relaxed under his palm, still looking confused until Aaron finally took pity and answered the question Alex hadn't asked, "Madison. When I went to take my shower, he was there."

Alex was still looking at him expectantly, and Burr gave a half shrug, "We talked briefly. He wanted me to acknowledge that he'd done the right thing."

The hand that was holding his dropped, and Aaron looked toward the ceiling as the man collected his clothes, not quite sure what had caused the sudden desire but glad all the same. There was a grimace on Alex's face as he pulled on his pants, and Aaron looked away, giving him some sense of privacy as he dressed. Once he was done, Alex poked him in the shoulder, before grabbing his hand and giving it a tug. "Come on."

"Come on, what?" Aaron asked, allowing Alex to pull him to his feet.

The look Alex sent him made it clear the man felt he should already know the answer to that question, "I want to talk to Madison. I mean, I'd prefer to do it alone, but I need you to get into the dorm and you'd have chased me out the door anyway."

Aaron watched as Alex crossed to the door, obviously expecting him to follow, "Alex."

"What? Aaron," Alex whined, turning to look at him, "If you won't go, I'm still leaving. I'll just text him to let me in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know that Daveed Diggs has been acting since at least 2007?


	29. Chapter 29

[From: Mad as a Hatter  
4:52 PM

....  
coming down]

If James had been surprised to receive the text demanding that he let Alex in so that Alex could talk to him, he didn't say anything about it as he opened the door. Just looked at Hamilton with a particularly blank expression before heading towards the elevator. Alex glanced behind him for a moment before following, arms crossed about his chest as they went. It wasn't that he didn't trust Madison, he'd just never been alone with the man for more than a few minutes. The quick exchange of money and drugs, the occasional argument was as far as their private time had gone. Even when they'd been almost-friends, that time had been spent in public, something that Alex hadn't known how much to appreciate until James had had him against the closet by his throat.

Walking into the now familiar room, Alex chewed on his bottom lip, suddenly doubting his plan to leave Aaron behind. Especially because James hadn't said anything yet, not so much as a hello, much less an apology. Not that Alex was looking for an apology. 

Or maybe he was, the truth was he didn't know what he was after. Hadn't known what he was doing for the last few hours, really. Alex rubbed at his eyes, cringing at the memory of shoving Burr earlier. It hadn't been that hard of a push, he'd just wanted the other man to get out of his space and the words hadn't been coming out. 

Madison's voice brought him out of his mental replay of the evening, "Did you ask to come over so that you could stare into space the whole time? Because if so, I would have left you down there."

"Why'd you let me in, anyway?" That wasn't an answer to James's question but he wasn't sure he actually had one of those.

The man sat down near his desk, turning the chair so that he could look at Hamilton before doing so. "It's cold outside."

As if it were that simple. "I uh," Alex began, looking off to the side, "don't think I said thank you. Before."

Madison twitched, "Your boy toy wouldn't like it if you did. He doesn't seem to think I did anything worth acknowledging."

Alex raised an eyebrow at James' word choice, but let the comment pass, "He wasn't there. I'd think it was my opinion that mattered."

"I have it on good authority that any decent thing I do doesn't count because... well..." Madison trailed off, waving a hand in the direction of the closet.

The man was looking up at him, looking slightly uncomfortable and Alex shrugged before plopping down on Aaron's bed, rolling onto his stomach and propping his head up on hands. It didn't quite put them at eye level, in fact, put Alex slightly below James', but it felt a bit more natural that way.

"He said you punched Jefferson," Alex said after a long moment, watching as Madison shifted uncomfortable.

It was just... such an awe-inspiring thing if James had actually done it. Alex wasn't sure he'd ever seen anyone stand up to the man. If he wasn't lording drugs over people, then it was his physical size. Aaron might talk a big game about Hercules, but it was hard for Alex to see him in that context. Sure, Herc was scary when he was angry, and there was no doubt that he had something against drugs, but it was hard to imagine Herc threatening anyone. He was much better at that 'I'm disappointed' stare.

James glanced up toward the ceiling for a moment, an action so reminiscent of Aaron that it almost caused Alex to snicker, but then the man was talking and nothing was funny. "He shouldn't have done that to you. It was one thing when I could convince myself that you wanted it..."

No, no no. Alex hadn't come here for this. If he'd wanted someone to look at him like he was a victim he'd have stayed in the room with Burr, "Of course I wanted it. I always want it."

James shook his head, mouth set and looking far more determined than he had any right, "Don't believe it. When I had you against that closet and you.... that's your defense mechanism, isn't it? You aren't big enough to fight back so you..."

Whatever he might have said next was cut off by the door opening, and Alex twisted to see who it was before rolling onto his back and throwing his arms open. He wasn't able to see James from that position, but none of that mattered because Aaron had given him a long-suffering look before sitting down on the bed and leaning back so that part of his weight was on Alex. He wasn't quite sure whether he'd been denied because of James or if Burr was trying to be aware of the bruises he'd seen, but Alex would take what he could get right now.

There was a strange noise, and Alex furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what it was until he realized it'd been Madison, "You two are so weird."

Alex wiggled, humming contentedly when Aaron responded by shifting so that the pressure increased, even as he spoke, "I hardly think you have any room to talk, James. I take it that everything is okay here?"

As if Alex needed protecting, "We're fine, I didn't need you to come save me."

One of Aaron's hands drifted down to ruffle his hair, "Who said I was coming to save you? Maybe I was worried about James."

Alex smiled when he heard Madison mutter a quick 'as if' under his breath, "I was just thanking Mads here for helping me. He seems to be under the impression that what he did doesn't mean anything to you."

He couldn't see Aaron's expression, but if he could, there was no doubt in his mind that it'd be unamused, "He tried to choke you a month ago, forgive me if I'm not so quick to forget."

"Ugggggh," Alex whined, "Who hasn't at least wanted to choke me? If I held physical violence against my friends I wouldn't have any left."

"That's what I said," James said, and then, much more confused, "friends?"

The hand in Alex's hair tightened its grip for a moment, before returning to gentle stroking, and he pointedly ignored the warning, "Any man who punches Thomas Jefferson is my friend."

There's a long moment of silence, but Alex can't see either of their faces to understand what is happening over his head.

Finally there's a sigh, and he only smiled at James' muttered "Why do I feel like agreeing to be your friend is going to be the second worst mistake of my life?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gods it feels nice to update this again.
> 
> As always- you can find me at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle at tumblr. My inbox is open (and anon is finally on- whoops.) for head canons/comments/requests.


	30. Chapter 30

While it was refreshing to see Alex eating with vigor, Burr did wish the other man had better manners sometimes.

Instead of saying anything, he pushed a napkin in his direction, watching as Alex rolled his eyes and wiped around his mouth before picking up his burger again. Alex had invited James to join them for dinner, but the other man had made his excuses. All the better, in Aaron's opinion. Alex might be ready to forgive his roommate's sins, but Aaron wasn't so easily convinced that the man meant well. As they both seemed so fond to saying- who hadn't thought of punching Thomas Jefferson?

"So what's the deal with Lafayette and Laurens, anyway?" Burr asked after taking a sip of his drink, "I wasn't aware they were close enough to warrant road trips yet."

Alex sat down his burger, looking conflicted for half a second before shrugging, "Honestly? I think they might be fucking. They bicker a lot when they're together."

The fact that fighting was Alex's sign that two people might be together explained a lot more than it should have. "We bicker."

"We're dating," Alex said confidently, and then after glancing around to make sure that the few stragglers around campus weren't paying too much attention, "and I'm willing to wait for you in regards to the other. One day you won't turn me down."

Aaron didn't say anything, and Alex's face fell. "Right?"

He wanted to discuss this in public about as much as he wanted to listen to Alex go on and on about how he should give Madison a chance. Part of him considered telling Alex that, that there were some conversations that shouldn't take place over dinner, but if he did there was no doubt that Alex would just bring it back up the moment they got inside. Probably wouldn't even wait until they got back to his room, knowing Alex.

"You really don't find me attractive?" Apparently being mindful that they were in public was being completely thrown out the window anyway.

Aaron counted backward from ten. "That's not what I said."

"That's because you didn't say anything at all," Alex pouted. "I don't understand you."

"I just... think too many people have taken advantage of you," Burr said, fiddling with a carrot on his plate, "I don't want to be added to that list."

That was the wrong thing to say, because Alex only huffed, "If I consent I don't understand what your problem is. I like you. You said you like me too. We're dating, even Herc thinks we're good together. What more do you want?"

An alternative time line where Thomas Jefferson didn't exist, or at the very least had never learned Alex's name. More time to do his reading that didn't involve Alex flopping melodramatically around the room as he protested boredom. James Madison to accept that what he had done was wrong and that not everyone resorted to violence when they were minorly frustrated with Hamilton. For that fact to be truer than it was.

All non-answers considering what Alex was actually asking, and Alex had been so open with him earlier, the only thing Aaron could offer him was the truth, "I worry that you're just used to repaying kindness with your body."

It took a moment for Alex to understand and then Aaron was reaching out to catch Alex's head from where he'd hit it against the table. He hadn't been quick enough to prevent the first one, but he wasn't about to let the man do it again.

When Alex finally lifted his head again, he was glaring, though there was no real venom behind it, "Have you considered that I enjoy sex and that it isn't about payment?"

Aaron only raised an eyebrow and Alex rolled his eyes, "Look, I can understand questioning ... him. But I wasn't fucking Laurens in payment for anything."

"No," Aaron said, catching Alex's hand and rubbing a thumb against the back of it, "the two of you were just using each other as self-harm objects."

"Are you always such an ass when it comes to sex? Or is it just regarding me?" Alex muttered, but Aaron noticed he didn't yank the hand away, "Liking rough sex doesn't mean we were hurting ourselves."

Aaron considered the question for a moment, and Alex might have had a point, but Aaron wasn't going to back down on that. There was a line between rough sex and the way that Alex looked when Laurens was done with him. It'd have been different if Aaron could actually tell the difference between the nights the pair just got into fist fights and when they'd been having sex, but the fact that he was never quite sure what the two had gotten up to was alarming to him. Alex would never understand the relief he'd felt ever since Lafayette had convinced them start running to burn off energy instead. The bruises on Alex's body had finally started to heal instead of multiplying.

Of course, Jefferson had fucked that all up.

Alex yelped, and Burr realized he must have squeezed his hand too hard. He went to pull back, feeling bad about it, but Alex only intertwined their fingers, "You going to tell me what has you looking all stormy? I didn't think Laurens upset you that much."

"I do not begrudge you your time with John," Burr said instead of answering the question, doing his best to appear neutral at worst, "Especially considering I won't meet that particular need."

Alex gave him a look that made it apparent he noticed the side step, but didn't call him out on it, instead glancing down and shrugging, "We stopped. I uh... I know you say that. But we are dating and it didn't feel right. Especially because I doubt you're getting any on the side."

Aaron blinked, "I'm not sure if you're doubting my abilities or just whether or not I'm doing so right now."

Alex shrugged, "You won't sleep with me because you're worried about hurting me. It's a pretty safe bet that you're not sleeping with anyone else either. You're too much of a goody two shoes."

"Fidelity is important to me," Aaron groused, "I'm sorry if I bore you with my morals."

The look Alex was giving him softened, and the hand holding his gave a light squeeze, "Do I really need to tell you that I don't find you boring? Is it stroke Aaron's ego time? Because while I would much prefer to stroke something else, I can do that too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my bby holly trees updated their sick fic!!! http://archiveofourown.org/works/5697883/chapters/13223374
> 
> also I wrote this while drinking so please enjoy your daily dose of Daveed Diggs in the form of this song  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg7VDaWWZE0
> 
> 'Quit baby sittin- let me see you sip it.'


	31. Chapter 31

Dinner had been a disaster.

Madison hadn't wanted to join them, Aaron had been aggravated that he'd even bothered to ask, and then they'd actually devolved into talking about things that mattered. Not his ideal evening at all. And yet, despite all that, even he couldn't deny that this was nice.

Aaron was sitting on the bed, a pad of sticky notes to his side and book in hand as he studied. Which wasn't the nice part, because as much as Alex understood that normal people needed to actually read textbooks and study them, Aaron studying meant less attention for him. Not that Hamilton ever phrased his complaints quite like that. It was always about how the silence bothered him or how there was nothing to do. More than once Burr had wondered aloud what Alex did before he was around, but had eventually learned his lesson after the third 'drugs' response. 

No, the nice part was that he was currently tucked between the man's knees, and every now and then, when he got too fidgety, Burr would reach down to scratch at the top of his head. Alex tapped away on his own laptop, chewing on his bottom lip as he tried to complete a chemistry paper for some upper classman. His workload was lighter these days, not enough to keep him constantly engaged but at least when this one was done he'd have a little cash in his pocket when spring break rolled around.

The book above his head closed with a quiet sound. "What was that?"

Alex pointedly didn't close his laptop, even though he could feel Aaron leaning forward. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You just got upset. I could feel it."

The last sentence he typed made no sense, and he deleted the entire paragraph in frustration. "Aaron, you can't feel my emotions just because you're touching me."

"You tensed up." Aaron said, and Alex froze because the man was resting his chin on his head now, "You're tensing now too."

Alex searched for an answer before reaching up to stroke Aaron's arm, "Mm. You'd be tense too if you spent the evening between your boyfriend's legs after he told you that you weren't going to get any."

Surprisingly the body above him didn't jerk away. Instead, Alex made a distressed noise, laptop falling to the ground as Aaron lifted him up and onto the bed by his armpits.

"Not a ragdoll," Alex muttered once Aaron had settled the both of them.

Aaron didn't apologize. "Maybe if you ate more I wouldn't be able to move you around like one."

He'd eaten tonight, he'd even eaten well. But of course, Aaron knew that. Rather than comment on that he pressed back, making a pleased noise when Aaron wrapped an arm around him in response. They stayed like this for a long while, Alex counting the steady rise and fall of Burr's chest as he allowed himself to be held.

As he'd already learned once that night, Aaron had no intention of just letting him be, though. "So," the voice brought him out of his counting, "What upset you?"

"So what," Alex muttered, "On top of being the new lord of sobriety, you've also decided to take up a hobby of being a human lie detector? Planning on switching majors so that you can go into psychology now? or is it social services? Help out all the poor little addicts."

"It doesn't take being into psychology to know that you're deflecting again," the fingers on his chest were tapping out a pattern, but Alex couldn't focus on it because Aaron was talking again, "though I guess I should be proud that it's just normal deflection and not another sexual comment."

Alex considered moving so that he could lick the man's face again but settled for a wiggle of his hips. "You know you like it when I come on to you."

The hand on his chest moved to still the motion, at the same time Aaron shifted backward so that only his chest was against Alex's back. "You know I like it when you behave. "

"Behavings boring." Alex said, leaning his head back, "Have you considered that I was just aggravated with what I was working on."

Aaron was quiet again, and Alex knew without seeing him that the man was looking up, going over whatever mental mantra it was that the man used to keep himself in check. "You would have told me if you were annoyed with the paper you were writing. You've never had a problem before fussing about that kind of thing."

Alex frowned. "Why don't you go to sleep? You sound tired."

The sentence ended there, didn't include 'of me' despite his sudden anxiety. Despite Aaron acting like he completely lacked self-awareness half the time, he knew he was being ridiculous. They'd just had the burden conversation that morning, and here he was again making a fuss, constantly pushing against Burr's boundaries. Madison's comment from earlier caught in his throat, about how this was just what he did. Except he didn't have to fight Burr, the man had more than proven that he wasn't going to hurt Alex, more than proven that he apparently had the morals of a saint.

"See, now you're upset again. You know what I always find helps when I'm emotional? Talking about it."

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. They'd been spending most of their time together for a month now and Alex had rarely seen Aaron get emotional. The most common sign of any feeling at all was him glancing up to the ceiling and the weird pauses. Aaron had absolutely no problem talking to Alex about his emotions, sure, that much he'd shown. No problem listening as Alex shot off at the mouth- words a mile a minute, or holding him when he cried. Alex had emotions and moods aplenty, even if he did often choose to hide them with jokes. But if he had to try and name Aaron's moods? Tired Aaron, Patient Aaron, Wishing-Alex-Would-Stop-Making-Sexual-Jokes Aaron. With a side dose of Looking-At-Alex-Like-A-Kicked-Puppy Aaron, when Alex was being especially testy.

They talked about school, Aaron listened to him talk about politics, even asked questions occasionally though Alex had never managed to get him to make an honest comment about his own opinions. They danced around the subject of Thomas Jefferson. Aaron talked about what he was reading or would discuss what movie they might watch next. But they didn't talk about their pasts, and Aaron had definitely never talked about his feelings. Unless 'I won't fuck you because you're damaged' counted as feelings talk. Except calling him out on any of that would only make Aaron more tired, only further risked the fragile truce they'd come to earlier. Alex turned over the memory of Aaron saying that he liked him too in his head, trying to take comfort from it.

Alex nudged his head backward again instead of responding to what he was actually asked. "You should scratch my head again."

There was a sigh, and then Alex relaxed because a hand threaded its way through his hair. "Would you like a bowl of milk too?"

He could have made a comment about all the reasons why Aaron would enjoy seeing him lap up milk from a bowl, but instead he stayed quiet and leaned into the touch. Aaron did enjoy it when he behaved, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I edited the summary so that it might... actually look like a summary now.   
> as well as added some additional tags.
> 
> Also I found one of Daveed's mix tapes that I hadn't heard yet last night and ....  
> I just  
> look
> 
> he's so precious okay


	32. Chapter 32

The room around him was dark, despite his phone's insistence that it was almost noon. If the time was right Alex must have shut the curtains before he left. 

Aaron sat up suddenly, glancing about the empty room, trying to figure out where the other man might have gone, trying to ignore the staccato beat of his heart. Focused on counting rather than speculating why Alex would have left without a note. Numbers wouldn't fail him, they always came in the same order, always behaved in the same way. He didn't have to wonder whether or not the 8 would come after the 7, didn't have to ask himself if 1 would be disappointed in him for not trusting it, or if 3 had run back to Thomas Jefferson. 

Counting down from ten hadn't slowed his heart rate, so he began again, still searching the room for a note or some sign of where Alex had gone. There was nothing on the desk, nothing on the dresser, and Alex's backpack was still sitting against the foot of the bed. The laptop was still sitting against the wall where Aaron had shoved it when he'd left during the night. He considered texting James to see if perhaps Alex had gone there, but considering Madison's falling out with Jefferson... If Alex was seeking drugs again he'd have to find a source directly.

Briefly, he held a hand over his mouth, trying to quell the nausea building in his stomach. He grabbed his jacket off the floor, not sure what his plan of action was other than to text Alex to see if the man would answer him, and if not... If not he'd probably wander around campus trying to find him. It was the only option he really had, wasn't it? Other than to sit around and just wait for Alex to come home. Which would have been fine if the image of just what Thomas Jefferson had done to Alex wasn't still fresh in his memory.

Text message to Alex sent, he made it all the way out the door of the dorm and to the outside world before his anxiety dissipated. Because there he was, hair pulled up in a pony tail, hoodie sleeves shoved up to his elbows- tossing a ball back and forth with Hercules. It was Mulligan that spotted him first, and Aaron had to resist the urge to duck when the tennis ball came flying in his direction. He'd barely caught it when the other man burst into mocking applause.

Usually he might have been ashamed, but he was too focused on Alex who was walking toward him, face bright. "You're awake! I thought you were going to sleep all day."

Aaron almost dropped the ball when Alex pulled him into a hug. Maybe it was the fact that five minutes ago he had been worried that the other man was off self-destructing or the fact that they didn't typically hug in broad daylight, no matter how touchy they were in private. But it wasn't that that startled him, but rather the pure joy on Alex's face as he'd approached.

Alexander Hamilton was happy to see him. Burr didn't quite know what to make of that information.

"Alex, you literally woke up in the same bed as him less than a handful of hours ago, let Aaron breathe." Hercules' voice shattered the moment and Alex laughed as he released him, playfully snatching the ball in the process, "There we go, I was starting to worry. Now be a friend and throw me that ball."

The air around them was crisp, even as winter was slowly shaking its hold to give way to spring. Mulligan's coat had already found itself on the grass nearby, whether because he had a higher tolerance or they'd been playing long enough to actually warm him up. Or perhaps it was merely in celebration that the weather wasn't as cold as it had been. Aaron averted his gaze when Hercules sent him a wink, his staring having been caught. It was a ridiculous gesture, only accentuated by Alex's chuckling as they tossed the small ball back and forth. At one point he'd even tossed the ball over to Aaron, engaging him in their little game and idle chatter about nothing specific.

Before he even realized it two hours had passed, and Alex had flopped onto the ground. "Come on, watch the clouds with me. Herc! You too. Come lay with me."

"As fantastic as that idea sounds," Herc said cheerfully, though the shake of his head gave his next statement away, "I do have RA stuff to do, especially because Angelica's been on my case about the upcoming event. You are planning on getting tested, right? Even if you two are using protection it might be a good idea."

Aaron glanced at the dirt next to Alex, pointedly ignoring the fact that Hercules had aimed the end of that comment in his direction. If he thought for one second that Burr was going to be the one to try and convince an unwilling Alex to go and get swabbed, he had another thing coming. Even if he did agree that it was something that Alex should probably do, especially considering Jefferson. Shaking his head to clear the thought he removed his jacket to protect him from the worst of the mess as he laid next to Alex, snorting when the man immediately rolled to place the back of head on Aaron's stomach.

Hercules made one last plea before leaving, "Just consider it, please guys? It's free and they'll be giving out stickers?" 

"I appreciate that we're in college and you all still think we're motivated by stickers," Aaron muttered, smiling when Alex snickered.

It was far too comfortable laying down there like that, Aaron wasn't sure it was something that he'd ever done before. Last year he hadn't exactly had much of a reason to spend outside, definitely no one like Mulligan to play ball with. The friends he had made at the women's center had been much more interested in coffee shops and protests than they were soaking in the rays.

Hercules had only been gone for a few minutes when Alex spoke. "Are you going to be mad if I tell you I invited Madison to get lunch tomorrow?"

Aaron wrinkled his nose, taking advantage of the fact that there was no way that Alex would be able to see the brief look of disgust. "Did he actually say yes this time?"

"Mhm," Alex was rocking, a small motion side to side and Aaron wondered whether or not it was intentional, "Gonna meet him in the union around noon. You can come with? But you don't have to. I know you don't like him."

Whether or not Aaron liked Madison was insignificant compared to the potential damage the man might do. "Do you want me to be there?"

"I don't need a bodyguard if that's what you're implying," Alex said quickly, and then after a beat, " but I wouldn't turn down the company. At least I know how you react to things."

Aaron couldn't help it, he snorted, reaching down to ruffle Alex's hair. "Aka you want someone there you can get away with annoying should you get bored."

"Pretty much," Alex chirped, still sounding far too cheerful for yesterday to have transpired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kKKmJos9pI Daveed played? plays? the saxophone?????
> 
> for anyone curious- the most recent part of the Herc Mulligan fic happened between last chapter and this chapter.
> 
> also you don't know how tempted I was just to stop  
> writing  
> halfway through.
> 
>  
> 
> it's like 'Alex is happy we can all go home now okay.'
> 
> there doesn't need to be another chapter. things don't have to be sad again. that doesn't have to happen.


	33. Chapter 33

James Madison was a mystery wrapped inside an almost constantly coughing shell.

During the brief time period where one might have almost considered them friends, their conversations mostly involved Alex listening as the other man complained about Jefferson or Burr, sometimes both at the same time. Alex had always gotten the feeling that Madison didn't have anyone else to turn to for that sort of thing, which made sense because who wanted to get on Thomas's bad side. It was a risk the man couldn't take, even though he was higher up on Jefferson's hierarchy than Alex was. And yet, just a few months later Madison had thrown that all out the door because of Alex.

Madison had been.... brave.

Aaron might not want to give the man another chance, but Alex knew what it was like to be alone. To not have anyone in your corner. And sure, for all appearances Madison didn't actually like him as a person, but Aaron hadn't liked him as a person in the beginning either. Alex stopped to glance in Burr's direction, where the man was lounging on the bed book in hand as he waited for Alex to finish getting ready. No, Burr hadn't liked him in the beginning either, but they'd come so far. So why couldn't he and Madison do the same?

The image that greeted him in the mirror looked a little more put together than he felt, and he gave a half turn and raised his arms to double check that nothing would ride up and cause questions. By the time he was facing Burr again, the man had sat down his book and was watching him. A fact that would have delighted Alex greatly if he thought the other man had been checking out his ass instead of looking for the same thing he was.

"Alright. I think I'm ready?" Alex said shoving his hands into his pockets. "Am I allowed to grab my wallet?"

Aaron rolled his eyes, stretching as he stood and Alex took the moment to appreciate the view. He was really going to have to talk to the other man about this whole 'denying alex repeatedly thing' because it was one thing before, and Alex even respected his reasons for doing so, but they were dating. And he couldn't really ask Alex to be abstinent forever could he?

Of course, that would probably require Alex to stop hitting on him as a joke when he was uncomfortable, but that shining moment of self-awareness wasn't something he was willing to acknowledge at the moment. Instead he smiled brightly as Aaron opened the door and ushered them out of the room, one arm casually thrown over his shoulder once they'd managed to make it outside.

"You said you were going to meet in the Union right? not the dining hall?" Aaron's voice brought Alex out of his thoughts and he nodded.

"Uh huh," Alex explained, "We're going to that place upstairs? With that potato thing,that is actually two potatoes. It has all the cheese on it."

It wasn't the best description of the place, but it definitely didn't warrant the reaction it got from Burr. Not quite laughter, though it was obvious from the shake of his chest that he was holding it back and Alex pouted as he pulled himself together enough to speak. "McAllisters?"

That sounded right, but Alex shrugged, "I don't know what was so funny."

"You're cute," Aaron said after a moment, lip twitching as he tried to conceal a smile again, "and I didn't realize how fond you were... potatos. I don't think I've heard you talk about food like that... with the exception for your fetish regarding sour patch kids."

"It's not a fetish!" Alex squeaked, and the stopped to look at his partner, realizing half a second too late that he was being teased.

By Aaron Burr, resident saint and scholar. Who only looked at him fondly before nodding his head toward the upcoming building, "If you don't stop standing there gwaking, we're going to be late. Then again, perhaps if we are Madison will leave?"

Alex glowered at him, but allowed himself to be tugged forward none the less. "Can you be nice to Mads once? He's a good guy."

"He's a drug dealer," was Aaron's response, a little too quick, as if he'd been expecting the conversation to derail in that direction.

It was worse than talking to Hercules. As if being a drug dealer automatically meant that a person couldn't be good. "Was. Was a drug dealer."

"Alex," the tone was such a change from their previous exchange and it made him frown, unhappy with where the conversation was going, "He called you a bastard. He tried to choke you."

"He punched Jefferson. I would think that punching Jefferson was far more impressive than choking me," Alex said, forcing a smile, "After all- look at how big Jefferson is."

Aaron opened his mouth to respond, but at the same time Alex spotted James and shook free of the arm around his shoulder in order to run over to the other man. "Mads! So glad you could make it. Ready to go upstairs and grab a table?"

Madison glanced between the two of them, and Alex couldn't help but grin, even knowing how uncomfortable the other man looked, especially once Burr caught up to them and purposely linked hands with him. Alex considered giving it a squeeze, or jerking away from the touch, but really, over protective Burr was adorable. 

"Uh, yeah. We can go upstairs." James finally muttered, shooting them another look before heading towards the restaurant.

They managed to all order without too much of a fuss, and if Aaron sat a little closer to him in the booth than he usually might have, well Alex wasn't going to complain. It was only after their food had arrived and Aaron had made a show of cutting up Alex's potato for him that Madison groaned.

"If I had realized this was going to be a date for the two of you, I wouldn't have come." 

Aaron rolled his eyes, pulling his knife back towards his own plate, "My not trusting Alex with a knife has nothing to do with us dating. It's just common sense."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was so hard to write.  
> just so hard to write.


	34. Chapter 34

Watching Alex and James talk was like watching an excited puppy antagonize the old man of the pack. Not the leader, no, but that one tired old dog that spent most of it's time in the corner, the one that was used to mostly being left alone. Not that James' reservation seemed to effect Alex in the slightest, instead he kept digging, trying fo find a conversation topic that the other man might open up on. Aaron stayed mostly quiet, occasionally throwing Alex a line when the man shot him desperate looks, sitting back and taking in what was being said. When he was finished eating his own salad, he casually threw an arm over the back of the booth, eyes focused on Madison.

It might not have bothered James so badly if Alex hadn't of taken the chance and leaned in further, rubbing his head against Aaron's neck as he tried to get comfortable again, but either way Aaron delighted in the sheer... actually he wasn't sure what emotion that was on Madison's face, not quite the disgust he had been expecting, but not thrilled either. Aaron wasn't sure whether the man had an issue with pda or something against them in particular, but after Madison's allusion that he was only with Alex for the sex, he couldn't help but enjoy making small digs.

Madison out and out twitched when Aaron shifted so that his hand was on Alex's shoulder. "Do the two of you always have to be touching?"

Alex was the one to respond, voice cheerful, "No, but it is so nice to be touched. You should consider it sometime."

Aaron found himself wishing that Alex hadn't gone there because Madison's expression was suddenly stormy. All the jokes about being Jefferson's bed warmer came back to him, and while at the time it had been about expressing his displeasure, he couldn't help but wonder if James lost more than his best friend the other night.

Unfortunately, Alex didn't seem to realize the path he was going down, and when he wasn't favored with an answer, he continued. "You could join us if you'd like."

Bewilderment was the only word to describe the look Madison was sending them now, eyes flashing between them before settling on Alex. "Don't you think you should ask your boyfriend before inviting me to a threesome?"

Madison had a point. He and Alex weren't even engaging in any sort of carnal behavior, and while there was no doubt in his mind that Alex was joking- what would he have done if James had taken him up on it? There didn't seem to be an appropriate way to tell Alex to knock it off, especially considering he'd been purposely bothering Madison as well, but something had to change the course of the conversation before something got said that couldn't be taken back.

Alex had never been a huge fan of thinking of what he was saying, so he really shouldn't have been surprised when the man pouted, "Come off it. Not all touching is sexual and Aaron is too much of a prude to agree to anything fun like that. That doesn't mean you couldn't join us for movie night though."

Being called a prude in front of James Madison wasn't exactly on his top ten plan of things to do today, especially because Madison overcame his discomfort at the entire thing long enough to mouth 'vanilla are we?' in his direction. The mocking smile was more reminiscent of Jefferson than Aaron felt comfortable sitting at the table with, but he did send a brief thought of gratitude to the universe that he and Madison were through. The last thing that Aaron needed was it to get back to Thomas that he was boyfriend was calling him a prude, it'd be the sort of thing the man wouldn't be above using.

"... Somehow, considering the fact that the two of you managed to put me off eating," James was talking and Burr looked up, tightening his grip on Alex in the process, "I don't think I'll be taking you up on that offer. Thank you though- it's been," James made a face as he stood up, obviously searching for the right thing to say, "interesting. But I'm going to go before this gets any weirder."

Alex only huffed, taking a final bite of his potato before leaning back into Aaron. "Why does no one want to have movie night with me? Laurens and Laf turned me down the last time I asked them too."

There was a thousand things that Burr could have said, and he really probably should have at least chided Alex for his comment earlier but instead he shrugged. "You steal all the popcorn and talk constantly, is it really all that surprising?"

"They've never been! How could they know that? Unless," Alex squinted up at him, "you've been talking to them behind my back."

The idea of Aaron and Laurens discussing anything behind Alex's back was laughable. Lafayette might consider it if he felt that there was a good enough reason, but even then he'd probably relay the information through Mulligan. Aaron quirked an eyebrow, looking down on Alex as he waited for the man to reach the conclusion of how ridiculous he was being on his own. Except there was no dawning realization on Alex's face, the man wasn't even looking him in the eye anymore.

Aaron blinked as he noticed just where Alex was looking, and he coughed, pulling back suddenly enough that Alex almost tumbled out of the seat. Burr brushed himself off, counting in his head before finally straightening. "I think Madison had the right idea, we should probably head back to your dorm? Unless there's something else you wanted to do today?"

Grumbling Alex pushed himself out of the booth as well, stopping to make a face as he looked toward the door. "Herc said I can go to his room to study later. I think I may take him up on it, his floor is comfier than either of ours."


	35. Chapter 35

"Are you planning on telling me what has you so upset?" Hercules asked without turning around.

Alex had been in his room for the past two hours, rolling around on his bed and attempting to read the book he'd been assigned in Lit. They'd finished their customary check-in questions an hour ago, but Herc always seemed to know when there was something else bothering him. "Spring Break is next week."

"Spring break is next week," The RA confirmed, eyes still glued to his computer screen, "why is that upsetting?"

The book was too heavy to comfortably hold above his head, so he rolled again, staring down at the words there. He'd never had that hard of a time focusing, and honestly, the pills Madison had given him a week ago shouldn't have still been in his veins. But Alex didn't particularly want to consider the alternative, that this wasn't a craving but a reaction to something else. 

When Hercules spoke again, the voice was louder, and Alex looked up to realize that the man had rolled right next to the bed. "What's wrong with spring break, Alex?"

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it," Alex huffed, "I just stated a fact. Spring break is next week."

Mulligan didn't look convinced, and worse than that, he was giving Alex that look that made him feel approximately three inches tall. Like he was upset with Alex for not being open with him. But what was there to be open about? He could hardly tell the man that he'd used again, Hercules didn't even know he'd been using in the first place. And the idea of Hercules knowing about the other... Alex would literally rather die than open up about that. It was bad enough that Burr and Madison knew.

There was a dip on the bed as Hercules sat at the end of it. "Different angle then. What are you doing for spring break?"

Curse Herc and his inability to let things go. "Nothing."

"What is Aaron doing for spring break?" The question was innocent, but Alex still rolled to stare up at the ceiling instead of looking at him.

Finally, after Hercules had made it more than clear that he was willing to wait for an answer, Alex shrugged. "I don't know."

It was true. They hadn't discussed spring break at all, and honestly, it was making him anxious. Lafayette had invited him to go to the beach with him and Laurens, had even offered to pay. But the idea of being their third wheel didn't really do it for him. Neither did the idea of being alone all break. In fact, Alex hated the idea of being alone at all. He'd never done well with it. But Lafayette wasn't his sugar daddy and the idea of having to watch Laurens and him flirt was disquietening. He'd never loved Laurens, not like that, but in a way it always reminded him of what he couldn't have. Especially because Laurens still flirted with him on occasion. They'd never actually talked about stopping, and Alex wasn't sure whether the other man was trying to tease him or simply didn't think being turned down multiple times in a row meant Alex was done. 

It was probably something that he should talk to him about soon. But Alex did so hate talking about serious things.

Hercules sighed. "Have you considered asking Aaron what his plans are?"

Alex rolled again, this time into a sitting position, leaning back against the wall so that he could look at the other man. "I don't want to be an imposition."

"Alex," Hercules reached over to shove his knee, and Alex whined in response, "talk to your boyfriend. He's probably just... forgotten it's even coming. You know how Burr is."

"Alexander Hamilton," the man tried again when Alex just looked off to the side, "If you don't go talk to your boyfriend, so help me god- I will call him myself. And you don't want me to do that."

Not having to talk to Aaron about it directly sounded like a dream come true to him, actually. "Why not?"

Hercules smiled, leaning and pulling him in to give Alex a nuggie, only releasing him when Alex had cried mercy. "Because, if I have to talk to him for you- I will go on and on and on about how much he's hurt you with his inconsiderate behavior and all the... interesting things I've thought about doing to him for hurting you."

The idea of Hercules threatening Burr made him feel anxious. Especially after everything that Aaron had done for him over the past month, the man had been nothing but patient and kind and especially this last week? They'd had some really nice times. 

"He hasn't hurt me, Herc." Alex whined, but Herc only continued to look at him in such a way that Alex knew it wasn't a threat, but a promise. The other man would probably get a kick out of it too. "Fine, I'll talk to him tonight... okay? I'm meeting with John for dinner later and maybe after that... I don't know. It's just awkward. How am I supposed to bring it up?"

"I don't know, Alex. How about 'hey boyfriend, there's a week-long break coming up and we haven't discussed it. That feels pretty strange considering what a lovey dovey couple we are'?" Herc paused and then he grinned again, "Or, 'Hey sweetie, What are you doing next week?' Your options are pretty open. All that matters is that you talk to him instead of moping around my suite."

Part of him wanted to argue that he hadn't been moping, he'd been trying to study. But something told Alex that Hercules wouldn't take him any more seriously on that front than he did the 'Burr hasn't hurt me' one. 

Alex grabbed his bag off the ground, puffing out his cheeks as he did. "Alright, alright. Maybe John will be able to give me some more ideas over dinner."

Hercules waved him off, and he was half way into the hall when he stuck his head back in to make one last parting shot, "You know, for an RA- you give terrible dating advice."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic officially has over 100 subscribers and that is /mind blowing/ lemme tell you.  
> over 100 people who said 'yes I would like multiple emails a day to tell me this person updated.
> 
> idk  
> y'all are great
> 
> As always- you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr for comments/requests/all that sort of fun stuff


	36. Chapter 36

Alex was being weird.

Which honestly, shouldn't have surprised Aaron at this point, but they'd been doing so well. Alex had started eating more and sleeping better, and it was probably ridiculous for Aaron to have assumed that would continue considering they were talking about Hamilton... And yet he had. He'd gotten particularly comfortable over the past week and something had blown that all to hell.

He sent another worried glance to Alex, who was sitting at his desk for once. "How did your check in with Hercules go?"

Aaron was almost positive the other man wasn't reading the book he was staring at, and yet Alex still took the time to turn the page before responding. "Fine."

An answer that Aaron might have believed if Alex hadn't returned from dinner looking like he'd seen a ghost and immediately placed himself at that desk without so much as a 'hey Aaron'. Not to mention that Alex was usually much more talkative regarding Mulligan, even if he wouldn't reveal what they'd talked about during check in, Alex had no issue complaining about Hercules' methods or about the man not offering him juice pouches. Last time it had been that Hercules was boring and only wanted to talk about boring adult things.

But this non response was new and Aaron didn't like it. "Did the two of you get dinner? If you haven't had something to eat-"

"Ate already." Alex cut him off, "Not with Herc."

Not with Mulligan. Aaron got off from the bed and propped himself on the desk, hoping that it'd put him in a position to see Alex's face a little more clearly. Or maybe offer the man some sort of physical comfort since touch usually helped when Alex worked himself into a mood. Except when he reached out to touch his shoulder, the other man not only jerked away but wheeled himself backward- leaving feet rather than inches between them. Aaron nodded, folding his hands in his lap to show that he got the message- loud and clear.

"Alex, " there was no right way to word this, no way that he wasn't going to upset Alex in the process, but he had to know. "Please tell me you didn't have dinner with Jefferson. Please?"

"Want to tell me to strip again? You know, Aaron," Alex spread his legs in an obvious gesture, and for the first time, it read as a challenge, "You don't have to accuse me of things in order to get me naked. All you'd have to do is ask."

It was odd, the juxtaposition of the man's usual sensuality clashing with dominance rather than mocking submission. "I wasn't accusing you of anything, Alex. But you're acting strange and I'm worried."

"I had dinner with a friend," Alex snapped, "Look, I'm not feeling well. I'd like to go to bed now."

Nothing about Alex made it seem like the man was tired, but Aaron nodded anyway, trying to reassure himself that it was just a headache or something of the sort making Alex act this way. Unsure of what to do, he stayed sitting on the desk as Alex disappeared out of the room with his shower things. Aaron fiddled with his phone in the meantime, contemplating whether or not he should text Hercules to see if maybe something had been said during their check in. But it didn't feel right going behind Alex's back, not without anything more definitive than 'being kind of snippy' and 'not wanting to cuddle' as reasons why he thought something was wrong.

When Alex came back in the room, he froze in the doorway, openly staring at him. "I'd like to go to bed now."

Aaron frowned, not sure what to make of the man's discomfort. "Okay. I thought I'd get some reading done maybe, and then join you? Unless you'd lay down together."

There was a long pause and then Alex shook his head. "I want to go to bed. Alone."

That was fine. Absolutely fine. Aaron grabbed his bag off the floor, counting down from ten as he left the room. And then again as he walked down the hall past Hercules room and again as he made his way down the stairs. He was on his eleventh round by the time he walked into his own dorm room. Madison looked up from where he was typing away at his bed and made a face.

"Where's lover boy?"

At least it was a step up from 'piece of ass' or 'the bastard', James' usual nicknames for Alex. "Back in his room."

That got Madison's attention, Aaron rolled his eyes as James moved his laptop to the side. "Lover's quarrel? The two of you through? I'd say I'm sorry for your loss but-"

"But you don't consider Alex much of a loss." He wasn't sure what it was about the man that got under his skin, but his roommate was probably only second to Jefferson in his ability to piss him off. "I really don't understand why he's determined to try and be friends with you. You clearly hate him."

James snorted. "I don't hate him. I just don't worship the ground he walks on, unlike some people. The two of you stay stuck so far up one another's asses- you can't blame me for being shocked to see you alone."

"He had a headache. That's all." It sounded defensive, even to Aaron.

Madison drew back, mocking hand over his heart. "Good to know he really is the bitch of the relationship. And that you're still naive enough not to translate that as him not wanting you anymore."

"If I wanted to talk to Jefferson, I would have called him." Aaron snapped, "I'm going for a walk. I'd appreciate it if you learned some manners while I'm out."

At this rate he probably should have just taken a walk instead of returning to either dorm after dinner. Maybe if he'd come in later Alex would have already been asleep and they wouldn't be experiencing whatever it was they were dealing with now. It wasn't as if they never slept apart, it was just that he wasn't used to being sent away. They rarely left in the evening if they were already in the other's room and yet here he was feeling liked they'd taken an entire step back in their... 

Aaron couldn't complete the thought about whether or not to call it their relationship because he was too busy reeling from the force his head had just been slammed back into brick. As consciousness faded from him, the only thing he could focus on was the vague swearing of an almost familar voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost feel bad about this chapter because if you don't follow me on tumblr- you missed the 'maybe Alex isn't the one you should be worried about' comment that would have at least... partially warned you.


	37. Chapter 37

Madison was staring at him blankly, which really, Alex didn't appreciate. There was no excuse for Madison behaving this way, it wasn't as if him banging on their door at ridiculous hours was something new. "How did you even manage to get up here?"

Alex pushed at the door to try and force it open wider, unhappy with the small crack that James was peering at him through. "Walked in as someone was leaving for their morning class. Where's Aaron?"

"He came in briefly last night and then he left. I haven't seen him since. Can you stop that?" James snapped, leaning against the door, "I'm not hiding him in here. Unless you think I have him tied and gagged."

When Alex still didn't move so that he could shut the door, James continued, "This isn't your room, which I know, is very confusing to you considering how much time you spend over here- but I'm not required to let you in."

"I just want to see if his bag is in there. "Alex groused, and Madison finally took a step backward to let him into the room, apparently having given up hope of making him go away.

It wasn't a gracious move, he looked annoyed even as he stepped to the side. "I don't understand why you're here anyway. From what I understood, you turned him out last night."

The idea that Aaron had said something like that to Madison caused Alex to pause in his search. What if the reason he couldn't find Aaron was because the man didn't want to be found? He hadn't exactly been nice last night, though he'd hardly been on his worst behavior. He just... hadn't wanted to be touched, hadn't wanted to talk about, had wanted five minutes with his own thoughts to try and sort through everything on his own. What if Aaron had taken it as more than that? What if Aaron was fed up with him? He didn't seem the type to break up with someone without telling them in person- but then again, maybe Aaron didn't think they were actually dating.

There was a cough and when Alex looked up, Madison was holding up Aaron's backpack and cellphone. "Look, his stuff is here. Can it be 'Alex goes and stares into space in his own room' time? Because you're starting to creep me out."

"Love you too, Mads," Alex murmured, jut the for excuse to see the man twitch, "But uh, really. If Aaron comes back, please have him text me?"

Madison sneered at him. "Maybe next time you won't tell him no. Heaven knows the only reason anyone would put up with your ass is well... your ass."

Which might have hurt if it wasn't literally the most overused insult from Jefferson's book. The least the man could have bothered to be original. "Is that your way of saying you want to fuck me, James? Because we both know all you have to do is ask."

There was a twitch of Madison's lips and then oddly enough, the tension in the room dropped as the man shook his head. "Again, you should ask your boyfriend before inviting me to a threesome. Thankfully he's not here- maybe you should go back to looking for him."

"Careful Mads, if you don't step up your game, I might forget you don't like me. And then imagine how insufferable I'll be."

Madison rolled his eyes as he plopped on his bed. "Go before I decide to choke you again."

Alex whistled as he walked through the door. "Don't make promises that you don't plan to keep."

The fact that Aaron wouldn't be pleased with that particular line of conversation made his stomach sink as he walked out of the building, chewing on his lip as he tried to figure out what to do next. Texting the man was pointless, considering Madison had just shown him proof that it was up in the dorm. As was his backpack, which was strange because Aaron almost definitely had a class this morning that he should be on the way to now. Then again, so did Alex. He shifted his bag on his shoulder and made the decision to look for Aaron again after his own class was through. Hopefully Aaron had just ran into someone last night and decided to crash at their place.

A thought that might have been more convincing if Alex could recall a single name that Burr would likely do that with, but the closest he came was Angelica's shining face. Perhaps the woman ran into issues with her own fiance and Aaron went over to comfort her? And was now on his way to class, cursing the need to borrow pen and paper.

Alex's own class stretched on and on, longer than it did even in the days when he knew that sitting still was a wall between him and his next fix. The class had never seemed to move so slow, and he checked his phone compulsively, just in case Aaron made it back to his dorm and found his messages. The thought of returning to Burr's dorm after class, and if he wasn't there, deleting them was a quiet pulse in the back of his brain.

There were some confessions not meant to be read by text, some things that should not be said after midnight, and yet Alex had last night. Without even the decency to have liquor or pills as an excuse, he'd sent apology and accusation alike. Terrified that Aaron had been reading them and choosing not to respond. Angry at his own emotional inadequacy, at his inability to form better verse and line to explain what was going on.

And to find Aaron gone from his dorm when he woke up, to find Aaron in neither of the places he's supposed to be, without any of the things the man usually carries... That was just a bit more persistent of an anxiety than his shame.

But he has never been on this side of the line, never been the one seeking. He wasn't even sure where he was supposed to look.

And by the end of the day, it was not a question of where to look, as much as if there was anywhere left that he hadn't checked.


	38. Chapter 38

Aaron wasn't sure of many things right now, but the one thing he knew was that if his head didn't stop pounding, he was going to scream.

There was something keeping him from moving his arms, probably Alex. The man had a bad habit of twisting around Aaron like a cat during the night, leaving both of them in the most uncomfortable of positions and then whining when Aaron had to get up to move. Except...

He hadn't slept with Alex last night. The man had sent him away and he'd gone back to his dorm until Madison had pissed him off. The thrumming in his head was making it hard to follow his own train of thought and he couldn't really remember where he'd gone next. Aaron tried to move his arm again, keeping the motion slight just in case he had fallen asleep in bed with someone last night. But that wasn't a body holding him down, or a tangle of blankets- he yanked again.

"Little Burr, if you don't stop that, you are going to hurt yourself."

The face that was peering down at his own was unfamiliar, and the man smiled when he realized that Aaron had finally opened his eyes. "There we go little Burr. I am afraid we have not had the pleasure of meeting yet. I am Marquis de Lafayette, but you may call me Laf if it pleases you."

Considering he was currently tied to a bed, it didn't particularly please him, but something warned him that antagonizing the man would only make his situation worse. "Lafayette, would you mind telling me why I can't move my arms?"

Lafayette's face darkened for a split second, and then he shrugged, all smiles once more. "It is not my decision, little Burr. I have been told in no uncertain terms that I am not to let you go, so let you go I will not." A pause and then, "I am sorry, monsieur."

There probably weren't enough numbers in the world to make this situation make sense, but Aaron still had to resist the urge to try. "Can you tell me whose decision it was then?"

"Mine," Aaron twisted his head with what little motion he was being granted to see John Laurens standing in the doorway, "I didn't want you leaving while I went to class."

A hand settled on his head, and Aaron realized that Lafayette was standing again. "It was so nice to finally meet you, little Burr. Perhaps next time under better circumstances, no?"

The french man smiled at him before turning to leave and Aaron wondered if he should try and call him back. He'd always ranked Mulligan as Alex's most terrifying friend, but apparently he'd misjudged the group. Hercules at least probably would have looked him in the eye before he punched him. Aaron counted down from five, eyes glued on Laurens as he stood in the doorway, waiting for Lafayette to clear the room it seemed. Which was terrifying in its own right, enough so to blare through the pounding in his head.

When John does finally come forward, the words falling out of his mouth are almost nonsensical. "The fuck you do to him?"

There was a hand fisting his shirt, lifting him partially off the bed and Aaron wondered if he should point out that his hands were still attached to something, and that he would prefer to keep his arms in socket. Mentioning it would probably be detrimental to his chances of keeping them there though. "To Lafayette?"

"To Alex." Laurens snapped, and Aaron had a sudden flash of understanding regarding why Alex was so unconcerned with Madison choking him. "The fuck did you do to him?"

Counting down from ten only seemed to make John angrier, but Aaron didn't really know what else to do. His head was still pounding and he was having a hard time making sense of anything. "I'm afraid our... meeting last night has left me with a headache. I'm going to need you to be more specific as to what you're talking about."

The look on Laurens' face was stormy, and Aaron tried again, well aware of what all he was putting on the line. "If you wouldn't mind untying me, we can have a conversation about whatever it is you think I did. We both know you can physically overpower me if I try to run. You have more than proven that."

Laurens considered it for a moment before dropping his hold on Aaron's shirt to undo the rope that was holding his hands to the headboard. He had to resist the urge to huff when the man only let one of them go before redoing the know on the other one. Partially freed of his captivity, Aaron pushed himself into a sitting position and rolled his shoulders a few times, trying to soothe the muscles. Being tied to a bed like that was more of Alex's thing than his own, a thought that was almost disturbing for it's possible implications. Instead of focusing on that, Aaron chose to be grateful that it hadn't actually come out of his mouth.

"What'd you do to hurt Alex?" 

Again with that question. Did John think he was willingly ignoring him? "I'm sure I've done a great many things that might have hurt him. But while he was upset with me last night, I'm honestly not sure why. If that's why you assaulted my person- you're going to have to talk to him for answers."

John glared at him harder. "This isn't a fucking joke, Burr."

No, he'd have to agree, there wasn't anything about this particular situation he found funny. "Laurens, my head is still pounding. Do you mind telling me what makes you think I hurt him?"

Laurens seemed to be searching for something on his face, maybe a look of deception? or mockery? Aaron wasn't sure. "You really acting like you don't know?"

Had Alex really been that upset over him asking about Jefferson? It seemed unlikely that he'd mention that to Laurens even if so. "I'm sure I fucked up somewhere, possibly enough to warrant all this, but I'm really not sure what you're talking about right now."

"I tried to kiss Alex last night." Whatever Burr had been expecting, that sentence wasn't it. "And he flinched, Burr. He flinched. He's turned me down before but he's never flinched. And then he fucking cried and don't you dare give me some bullshit about why."

There was pain in John's voice there, and Aaron exhaled looking at his hands because what was he supposed to say? Laurens had put two and two together and gotten five, but he couldn't really blame the man for assuming Aaron was the source of Alex's pain. Could he even be angry at Laurens for slamming into that wall considering all the things he'd thought about doing to Jefferson? And how was he supposed to get out of this mess without revealing Alex's secrets. There was a buzzing sound, but he didn't look up, still searching his brain for an answer.

"Fuck," Laurens snapped, "Looks like today is your lucky day. I've got to go back to campus for a bit. I'll be back to talk to you later."

The man was out of the room before it even occurred to Burr to ask what time it was. Was just finally putting the pieces together that it was John's kiss that had probably had Alex so upset after dinner- not anything that Aaron had done personally. And he'd turned around and asked about Jefferson, only further reminding the man of what had happened. No wonder Alex had wanted to sleep alone.

Alex had slept alone, which meant he woke up alone, and Burr used his free hand to pat down his pockets, frantic to try and find his phone. He'd been so upset last night and who knew how long Burr had been out? He was hungry and vaguely aware that he needed to pee, and Laurens had apparently been returning from class which mean it was at least part way through the day. Had Alex tried to reach out to him? Did he think Aaron was ignoring him? What would Alex do if he thought Aaron was rejecting him again?

The pounding in his head wasn't making it any easier to think about any of that, and Aaron groaned hoping against hopes a solution would come to him.


	39. Chapter 39

"Where have you been?"

Alex spun on heel, biting his bottom lip at the look of open anger on Herc's face. "Sorry?"

Part of him wanted to protest that there was nothing he could have done to deserve that look. He couldn't have missed a check-in, they'd just had that yesterday. And didn't Hercules understand that he had better things to do right now than stand around and get glared at? He'd been just about to say such when Herc reached out to grab his hand, and Alex followed, unsure of what was going on but unwilling to incite more anger.

It was only when they were both in Herc's car that he managed to work up the courage to speak. "Uhm, Can I ask where we're going?"

"We're going," Hercules snapped, fingers tense on the wheel, "To go get your boyfriend. That is all you need to know right now. I'm not explaining anything else because when I signed up to be an RA- I did not sign up for this particular kind of bullshit."

His mouth shut with a click, and Alex glanced anxiously at Hercules for a moment before deciding to risk it again. "I'm... sorry? I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."

That at least got Hercules's expression to soften, and the man shook his head. "You don't need to be sorry. It's the other people involved that have... a whole lot of explaining to do. Again, not my shit show. I'm assuming we'll both get filled in at the same time."

Which really didn't sound good at all. Had Aaron gone to confront Jefferson? Had something happened to Aaron? They didn't seem to be headed toward the hospital or the police station, which was a relief at least. In fact, they seemed to be headed toward... "Isn't this Laf's house?"

"Ding ding, got it in one. " Hercules muttered climbing out of the vehicle and Alex followed, stuffing his hands in his pockets in the process.

Lafayette opened the door, smiling cheerfully at them, a sharp contrast to Herc's still stormy expression. "Little Alex! Mon Ami, Hercules. I am happy that you came."

Alex glanced between them, still unsure of what was happening, but positive that he didn't want to miss Herc's response. "You want to tell me what the hell the two of you were thinking?"

"It was not me," Laf frowned, looking unhappy that Herc was blaming him, "All I did was make sure that everyone was safe, no? I texted you. It is not my fault you did not respond until later, my friend."

Hercules didn't look amused. " Perhaps had your text read 'Laurens has lost his fucking marbles and wants to kidnap Alex's boyfriend' I would have responded sooner. All you said is that you needed to tell me something. A 911 on the end might have helped."

John had kidnapped Aaron? Alex suddenly felt nauseous, panicked, and excited all at the same time. "Aaron's here?"

Lafayette brightened nodding, "He is! Little Burr is in my room. Please be gentle with him- he has had a very rough day."

The fact that Laf could say all that without a hint of regret despite it being his house that Aaron was in, Alex wasn't sure. He also wasn't sure that he cared, considering he was halfway down the hall before the man had even finished speaking. If he said anything after that it was lost as he pushed open the door and saw Aaron. Sweet, considerate, lovely Aaron- sitting with his head leaned back against the wall.

Unsure if the man was asleep, Alex approached quietly, pausing to look down at Aaron's relaxed face before crawling into bed and curling up with his head in the man's lap. He knows he shouldn't, should probably be busy trying to get Aaron out of there or out in the hallway with Herc demanding answers but he's tired and he's been so scared all day. All he wants to do is go to sleep, to kiss Aaron and make him feel better, to yell at Laurens for whatever the hell was going through his head. To find out what exactly had happened.

He didn't know if he deserved those answers, though, especially not after the way he'd behaved.

A hand found it's way into his hair and Alex could have purred. "Alex?"

"Uh huh?" He murmured, not lifting his head.

"Be a dear and untie my other hand if you don't mind?" Alex blinked, before looking up to realize that indeed, around Aaron's other wrist was a rope. "I tried to undo it earlier, but apparently Laurens was a boy scout."

Alex chewed on his bottom lip as he did his best to undo John's handy work, feeling nauseous the whole time. There was absolutely no excuse for this kind of behavior, and even though Aaron didn't sound mad at him, he had every right to be. Aaron had done so much for him and here his friends were returning the favor by abducting him off the street and tying him to a bed.

"Good boy," Aaron's voice was tired, and for the first time, Alex saw him lift his head up, "Now, do you mind showing me where the bathroom is? I vaguely remember Lafayette letting me go sometime this morning but..."

"I'm sorry," Alex said, reaching to help Aaron up and helping him toward the bathroom. Thankfully it was across from Laf's room, but Alex still cast an anxious glance down the hall. If the muffled voices he heard were right, then John had joined the group and he and Herc were at the very least arguing in the kitchen. Alex stood outside the bathroom, waiting and trying to listen, but everything sounded too far away and he couldn't hear if Lafayette was in the fight- or how bad the fight was getting.

When Burr finally came out of the bathroom, he leaned against Alex, a strange switch from their usual positioning. "I take it one of them was your ride over here?"

"Uh huh," Alex answered, looking down at the head on his chest with concern.

Burr stayed there for a moment before shrugging and walking back towards Laf's bedroom, pausing in the doorway. "You coming?"

"Where?"

The man glanced into the bedroom and then back to Alex. "To bed. Laurens slammed my head into a wall and to be honest, it's still protesting. When whoever gave you a ride is ready- they can come get us."

It was only once Aaron had gotten into bed and patted the spot next to him that Alex felt comfortable crawling in as well, not wanting to cause the man any more discomfort. Still, he couldn't help but wiggle backward contentedly when Aaron dropped an arm around his waist. "You're being awfully mellow about my friends terrorizing you."

There was a pause and then, "Too tired to be angry. Now shh, sleep."

Who was Alex to disobey a command like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly wasn't expecting to have this chapter out this fast.
> 
> But er.  
> enjoy?  
> as always you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr. Please feel free to scream in my inbox/on im- I love it.
> 
> also is Burr ridiculously calm? yes. part of that is his personality. part of it is that beautiful thing called 'dissociation'


	40. Chapter 40

The worst of the pounding in his head had subsided, the places where Alex pressed against him warm, and as much as he hated to admit it- at least the French bastard's bed was more comfortable than the ones they had in the dorm. None of which made him want to get up and out of this bed, even when he heard footsteps, and perhaps that's why he pointedly kept his eyes closed and his breathing as even as possible.

"-you happy now?" That low voice belonged to Hercules, most likely the person who had brought Alex over. 

Someone, most likely Laurens, snapped, "I don't see how that proves anything."

The body pressed against his stirred, and then Alex was mumbling at them to be quiet. It was precious and he couldn't resist the urge to give Alex a tight squeeze, smiling slightly when Alex responded by leaning his head back and rubbing it against his chest. Perhaps it was ridiculous how comforting he found the gesture, but his thoughts were interrupted by a gagging sound.

Mulligan snorted. "Point further proven. Look, I'm not doubting you that something's bothering the lil shit, but somehow I doubt he'd be snuggling up to Aaron like that if he'd done what you thought."

"Can you all shut up?" The high pitched whine was Alex's, and Aaron couldn't blame him. They were comfortable and damn if Laurens and Mulligan didn't seem intent on dragging up things they had no business knowing.

When Mulligan started talking again, Aaron shifted so that he could scratch Alex's head, aware of the ever growing tension in the body next to him. "I was just explaining to Laurens here that your boyfriend would be a dead man if he actually hurt you, but that didn't change the fact that John was being stupid. Aaron has more sense than to hurt you, don't you Aaron?"

All hope of going back to sleep gone, Aaron finally opened his eyes. Mulligan and Laurens both looked cross- though perhaps the oddest part of the image was Lafayette standing behind John, chin resting on the man's head and arms casually looped over his shoulders. If that had been Laurens earlier making the gagging sound, he honestly had no right considering his overgrown lap dog there.

Maybe that was mean. "Aaron does his best not to do anything that could hurt Alex. Aaron would also love to get back to his dorm, eat dinner, and go the fuck back to sleep. Preferably with Alex."

Hercules made a point of rolling his eyes before nodding. "Well if the two of you would like to get out of that bed, I can make the getting back to the dorm part happen."

Alex twisted to look at him and Aaron nodded, releasing his hold so that the man could climb out of bed and then allowed himself to be pulled out as well. Lafayette waved as they left, calling out cheerfully that they'd have to come by for dinner sometime. He had to resist the urge to shoot the man a bewildered look. If it weren't for the fact Alex probably wouldn't find it funny he might have asked what Lafayette was on, because whatever it was had to be strong.

Once they'd climbed into the car, Hercules shot him a look. "I do want to apologize. I know that it's nothing compared to Laurens assaulting you but we're all... a little sensitive when it comes to Alex."

"You called me a lil shit," Alex whined, before looking at Aaron as well. "I'm sorry, I really am. I understand if you don't want to do this any-"

The apology from Mulligan was vaguely appreciated, the one from Alex? Not so much. "If you really think I'm going to break up with you because of John Laurens then he was right to think of me as trash."

"I just-" Alex tried again and Aaron shook his head.

"Look, not that I'm approving of his actions in any way... It's kind of sweet... and terrifying... how far your friends will go for you. Though hopefully if one of them decides to kick my ass in the future they'll make sure they have the facts straight first."

Alex looked distraught at the idea of him getting attacked again, but it was Hercules that spoke, "Speaking of which- any chance of those facts being set straight now?"

Aaron looked at Alex. Alex looked at him. Neither of them opened their mouth.

Thankfully Mulligan didn't push, just sighed. "I didn't think so. I wish you'd trust me enough to tell me, Alex. I'm not as blind as you think I am."

Was Hercules referring to the drugs or had he figured the rest out? Who all were they fooling? How much longer would they be able to keep Alex's secret safe?

Alex crossed his arms. "John kidnapped Aaron because I was a little jumpy. Doesn't mean anything happened. And even if something did- how am I supposed to trust you guys when you pull shit like this?"

"Don't accuse me of being a part of that shit show," Hercules muttered, "already told you I wasn't involved. Besides, if I understand correctly, Laurens didn't actually mean to kidnap Burr. He was just... drunk. I won't deny that he meant to get in the man's face, but knocking him out was accidental and from there he was winging it. You know how bad he is at making decisions in the moment. On that note though, how is your head? Do I need to be worried about getting your ass to a doctor? According to Laf you slept like the dead for awhile there."

Burr shrugged. "My head should be fine in a day or two. Can I just say it's a surreal experience to wake up tied to a bed with him there rambling about how delighted he was to finally meet me? Calling me lil Burr."

Alex looked anxious, but it did get a laugh out of Hercules. "Sorry about him, I know he can be a bit much. But on that note, we're here. The two of you going to be alright?"

Aaron didn't respond until they were out of the car, Alex's fingers woven with his. "Yeah. We're going to be alright."


	41. Chapter 41

If Madison's 'oh look! the dynamic duo' bothered Aaron, he did a good job of hiding it.

They'd parted ways with Hercules so that Aaron could grab some more of his things before going to Alex's, and Alex was trying not to feel guilty about the fact that Aaron had felt the need to ask if it was okay if he spent the night first. He'd tried to apologize, but Aaron had only cut him off again, insisting that he had nothing to be sorry for. Which was ridiculous, because Alex had so many things that he was guilty of- even if Aaron didn't blame him for Laurens' shit decision making skills.

Alex didn't have long to dwell on that because Aaron shoving clothes in his bag, eyes searching the room lazily before he finds where Madison has put his phone on the charger. A thoughtful gesture from a thoughtless man, and he might have remarked except the phone lights up at Aaron's touch and Aaron's eyes are on him. A quirked eyebrow at the missed calls and dozens of texts and Alex shook his head, mouthed the word no as Aaron went to open the first one.

There were some things that shouldn't be read from a phone screen. More so, things Alex wasn't ready for Aaron to know.

Aaron gave him a long, searching look and then the corners of his lips tightened just so as he put his phone in his pocket and Alex could breathe again. Madison sent him a wiggle of the eyebrows as they left, but Alex could handle it because Aaron's hand was in his own and somehow, despite everything, still wanted to be with him.

They made it to Alex's dorm before Aaron said anything. "We should talk about this."

There was a lot that they should talk about, none of which sounded as appealing as curling up in bed together. "This?"

Apparently he'd meant it when he said something about dinner, because Aaron was searching through the fridge. Alex shoved him away carefully, pushing him down on the bed before pulling out the sandwich supplies. They should go grocery shopping soon, but for tonight, this would do.

Aaron allowed himself to be led without much fuss, but didn't appear interested in letting the topic drop. "Where would you like to start? With what happened with you and Laurens? Whatever it is you don't want me to see on my phone? When you're going to tell me what happened with Jefferson? What you're planning to tell your friends? Because obviously they know something is up."

Ham and cheese with lettuce, Alex stared down at the sandwich as he cut it in half before handing it to Aaron, looking uncomfortable the whole time. "Too much."

It was asking too much of him to talk about any of it really, but definitely to talk about all of it. Aaron took a bite of his sandwich, chewing slowly and then swallowing. "Pick one then. Alex, I know it sucks, but you've got to talk about this stuff eventually."

No, he really didn't. He'd been doing just fine on his own. "If I tell you about Laurens will you let me delete the messages off your phone before you look at them?"

Ham, cheese, lettuce. He wasn't actually sure if Aaron would be able to handle a second sandwich, much less the third one he was beginning to make now, but he wasn't hungry and at least it was something to do with his hands. Something to look at that wasn't Aaron's face.

"Tell me about Laurens and I'll let you delete the messages off my phone. Though I think it says something that you don't trust me to do it myself." Aaron didn't even sound annoyed with him, still talking in that Perfectly Patient Tone that Alex hated because it so often accompanied the 'Alex is a kicked puppy' look.

Alex chewed on his bottom lip, staring at the two sandwiches on his desk, trying to figure out if making another one would be overkill. Probably. "I, uh, met Laurens in his dorm? and it was fine except he pinned me to the wall and tried to kiss me."

If he was expecting Aaron to say something, he was sorely disappointed. Not sure what to else he was supposed to explain just yet, he put the sandwich supplies away before propping himself up on the desk, looking at the ceiling to avoid having to see Burr's expression. "That... didn't go over well. But it would have be fine except then we went to dinner. He touched my knee and like... I don't think he meant anything by it- but I kind of might have run out crying."

Silence. Aaron wasn't even throwing him lines or asking questions to make this easier, which really wasn't fair because Aaron knew how hard he found it to talk about these things.

"I know it's stupid, okay?" Alex mumbled, eyes still trained upward. "He just touched me and I know John would never do anything I didn't want... but when my back hit that wall... It's stupid. I'm stupid. Especially as much as I love to be touched and then I go freaking out at something that we've done a million times."

When Aaron spoke, his voice was much louder than expected and Alex looked down to realize that Aaron had gotten off the bed at some point and had walked toward the desk. "It's not stupid. You can love touch and not want to be touched in a specific way and you can love touch and not want to be touched at all sometimes."

Aaron probably wouldn't appreciate if he demanded to be kissed then, and the man had already been through way too much for Alex to feel up to antagonizing him. So instead, he stayed still, almost frozen under the intensity of Aaron's gaze, wondering what he was supposed to say. Other than 'touch me' or 'make me forget' or 'I trust you'. Or any other number of things that no matter how seriously he meant them, Aaron would no doubt consider a joke.

Then the moment was over and Aaron was returning to his spot on the bed, and Alex all but whimpered, feeling far too wound. Far too stretched and open and vulnerable. He had no choice but to go when the other man patted the place next to him,  and even knowing that it should be the other way around right now, that it should be him taking care of Aaron, not Aaron still looking out for him, he allowed himself to be pulled into Aaron's side. Anything else just wouldn't have felt right.


	42. Chapter 42

The intensity that Alex was glaring at his phone screen was almost adorable, especially considering the bewildered looked he'd given Aaron when he'd offered him it in the first place. It would have been easy to not hold up his end of the bargain, to jut allow Alex to curl into his side and forget.

Of course, the easy thing to do was seldom the right thing to do. Especially when it came to Alex.

It had been tempting of course, the fact that Alex had sent him nearly thirty texts was curiosity-inducing in and of itself, and then for him to be so adamant that he didn't want Aaron to read them? Aaron stared down at him as he finished deleting them, taking the phone with a soft smile when it was offered, glad that the temptation was gone. If Alex didn't want him to know? Then Alex didn't want him to know.

Except... "Can I know what they were about in general?" He couldn't keep himself from asking, already making a mental note not to push further if Alex said no.

Alex's tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip and Aaron half expected the response to be sexual, a throw away joke meant to make a point. "Some of them were about... Laurens. What I told you and some ranting about not wanting to cheat on you anymore, and wishing he understood that."

There'd be no need to hide that from him, but Aaron didn't say that. "Some were about Jefferson."

Aaron shouldn't push, he knew that, but things had been left hanging in the air and somethings needed resolution. "You need to figure out what you're going to tell your friends, Alex. They're obviously worried."

"Don't wanna tell them."

Taking a deep breath he counted down from ten, or at least he tried, stopping at five. "Don't have to tell them. Just need to tell them something, okay? Even if it's just 'hey guys I'm going through a rough spell and would appreciate it if people were careful about touching me for a bit.'"

"Don't have to tell them?" Alex sounded like a child, curious and afraid of being struck for speaking out of turn.

Aaron reached down to stroke the man's hair, smiling when Alex pushed back into his hand. "Don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. As much as I would like to know, you never have to tell me either."

"Oh," it was more an exhalation than a word, "Herc wants me to talk to you."

Against his will, Aaron found himself tensing at the idea that Hercules Mulligan had been told something before he had. It was absolutely ridiculous, especially considering he knew how much the man meant to Alex. "You don't have to talk to me about anything you don't want to."

Alex shook his head. "Says it weird."

It wasn't exactly the most specific statement Alex had ever said, but either way, it left Aaron aggravated. Who was Hercules to declare something in Alex's life weird? Mulligan was hardly one to talk considering his track record and the friends he kept.

There was a gust of air against his thigh as Alex forcefully exhaled, trying to collect himself or figure out how to proceed. "Says it weird for a couple as 'lovey dovey' as us to have not discussed spring break."

Even with that explanation, Aaron's heartbeat was an uncomfortable rhythm in his chest. Which was ridiculous, really. It wasn't as if Hercules was mocking Alex, as he'd first suspected. "When is that?"

A beat, and then because Alex hadn't answered yet, "Are you wanting to go somewhere?"

Alex rolled to look up at him, and Aaron shifted his hand accordingly. "It's next week."

Oh. Too late to plan something then, at least at anywhere popular. "Are the dorms closing?"

"Probably." Alex shrugged, "Laf said I could stay at his place while he's gone. Or join him and John. Either way, you can come with if you want? I just.... want to be with you."

"No." Aaron snapped, cursing when Alex startled in his lap, trying to stroke the man's hair to calm him back down. "Not to us being together. We'll go somewhere. Even if it's just a hotel in the middle of nowhere."

Alex frowned, chewing on his lip, "Are you sure? Hotels are expensive. And I can understand not wanting to be near John after everything that happened, but the house will be free and empty?"

"Alex," The name was heavy on his tongue, "Let me do this for you. We won't be able to find a hotel at the beach most likely, but other than that? If there's ever been somewhere you wanted to go- tell me. I'll see what we can't do."

There's a familiar look on Alex's face, and Aaron can imagine the comment before it even comes out. "Go ahead, say it, I know you want to."

Any matter of discomfort caused from encouraging Alex was worth it for the smile stretching his cheeks as he looked up at him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh huh." Aaron yawned, disbelief coloring his words almost as much as exhaustion did. "On that note, Are you ready to lay down?"

The words 'or are you going to send me away again' caught in his throat. He'd meant to finish it as a joke, but he couldn't do it. Couldn't invite that on himself, not with the possibility that Alex might say 'yes'. Especially as the silence stretched between them, and Alex was staring up at him, smile gone. Except the look Alex was giving him wasn't of anger or annoyance, it looked nothing like it had just the night before.

No, if Aaron had to guess he would say that Alex was worried. "Are you sure that you should be sleeping so much? What if you have a concussion?"

Ah. That's what he was worried about. "Have you considered that I was just really really tired? It's been a long week Alex."

Wrong thing to say. "It's Tuesday."

"Don't worry about it. I'm tired because I need to sleep, not because of brain damage." At least, he was pretty sure he didn't have brain damage.

For a moment he thought that Alex still might deny him, insist that he stay awake but then Alex was in motion, climbing off the bed to grab an extra pillow off the spare bed and shoving it toward the pile.

"I think keeping your head up is good? And I'll be right here just in case something happens."

Aaron blinked. "You aren't going to lay down with me?"

"I don't want to hurt you." Alex muttered, rubbing a hand up and down his arm and Aaron groaned, not wanting to go round and round on the matter.

"Please," Aaron said, "I'd ask what it'd take to get you in bed with me, but you've been so good all day and I'd hate to ruin that with another opening."

Alex snorted, and Aaron sighed with contentment as the other man finally crawled back in, carefully pulling the covers over them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So  
> a. 90% of this was written while.... pretty heavily drunk so as always- I reserve the right to see it in the morning and go 'oh fuck that shit that's not where I meant for the plot to go.'  
> b. I'm seeing Matilda!!!!! With the boy wonder and as always when I go hang out with him- he has a really bad(?) habit of being like 'oh the thing we're doing at 6? I'mma come over at noon for that.' So not sure how many updates I'll manage today. Depends entirely on when he shows up.  
> c. as always you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr. Please feel free to scream in my inbox/over im. if I disappear randomly in the middle of a conversation- I do apologize- I have the attention span of a gnat. Lets be honest, we all know I'm probably searching for more Diggs music/reading things about him or on here trying to get the next chapter out.


	43. Chapter 43

Somewhere in the process of becoming a butterfly, caterpillars created cocoons and then consumed themselves- becoming nothing more than soupy genetic material. Soupy genetic material that would then go on to grow into something more beautiful than its original form, something so drastically different than its previous state that it had left science in awe for years. Something that could fly and dazzle with its colors, something entirely marvelous. Somewhere in that soup was memories, reminders of just what the new bug would need to be afraid of in the future- which on a scientific level was absolutely fascinating... But it did mean any hopes he had of becoming soup didn't actually promise him the future he liked to fantasize about.

"You're going to have to come out of there eventually."

Alex glared at the side of the blanket in the direction the voice was coming from. "No."

A hand came down, and Alex thought about mentioning just where the other man was touching, but instead curled up tighter until his own motion shifted the pressure from his rear to his back. "Alex, you can't stay like that all day."

Last Alex checked, he didn't have any more classes today, so really, what was stopping him. "Can."

"Did you consider that if you wanted to stay in bed all day, you should have probably gone to your own room?"

For less than two minutes. "Don't wanna be alone."

He should have expected it, really, when the pressure shifted, but Alex still yelped when he was shaken free of the blanket. Even without his self-made cocoon, he tucked himself back into fetal position and glared at the aggressor. Didn't he understand that Alex needed to become soup?

Hercules didn't seem to know whether or not he was amused with the situation. "If you're going to continue taking up space in my room, perhaps you could do me the favor of at least talking. Who knows, it might even help you feel better."

Alex glared. "Nothing to talk about."

The RA nodded, one eyebrow quirked. "Nothing to talk about. You weren't upset just a few days ago, and you aren't upset now, and no one in your life made questionable decisions that might be worth venting about? You just spent an hour curled up in a ball under my comforter because life is great."

"Aaron said I don't have to tell you anything."

Hercules twitched, and wasn't that fantastic? It was great because it meant they were even considering Aaron didn't seem to like Herc being mentioned either. It was fucking fantastic that the two men in his life who he respected and relied on the most apparently couldn't stand one another. Alex grimaced, wondering how he'd missed it before. Aaron had insisted in the beginning that it wasn't that he feared Mulligan, just that he had a 'healthy respect' for him- but that clearly wasn't true. 

After a long moment, Hercules spoke, "He's right. You don't have to tell me anything. However, it'd be healthy for you to talk about whatever it is that's bothering you."

Alex said nothing because really where was he supposed to begin. Was he supposed to tell Hercules about the fact that Butterflies could remember poisonous flowers from their caterpillar days? That despite literally dissolving into goop, fear was apparently the one thing that stayed the same? 

That he was afraid it'd always be Jefferson's hands he felt when someone touched his bare skin? That if literally restructuring one's DNA didn't change fear he didn't understand how he was supposed to hold out hope that one day he'd get Thomas's voice out of his head? 

Or maybe he was supposed to tell Herc that he'd been avoiding Laurens the last few days and how terrible he felt that he couldn't even quantify the real reason. If he was just angry for Aaron, or if he was afraid that John might touch him again. Or maybe he was supposed to tell Herc that at least Jefferson had only ever hurt him. That it was sad that there was even one place in his life that Alex could hold Jefferson to a higher regard than he could his friends. 

But Hercules didn't know about Jefferson and Aaron had told him he didn't have to tell him anything.

Nothing he didn't want to, and right now, Alex didn't want to tell him anything at all.

There was a dip in the bed, and Alex only tightened his hold on his knees, refusing to acknowledge the man sitting next to him. "How about I try it this way. Did you ever figure out what you were doing for spring break? I know Lafayette said you turned him down."

Alex stared at the emerald sheets on Hercules bed, before giving a small shrug of the shoulder that wasn't pressed into them. "We're going to go away. Aaron said he'd take care of everything. I'm kind of worried about how much he's planning on spending."

Hercules snorted, "I wouldn't be. I know you can be weird about things you consider hand-outs, Alex and that it's not obvious considering Aaron's utter lack of interest in frivolous matters- but he's got the money. If you mentioned wanting to go to Europe, he'd have no issue springing for that. Much less a normal spring break."

Suddenly Alex was trying to remember all the previous conversations he'd had with Aaron, hoping against hope he'd never mentioned something so outrageous as wanting to go to Europe. Aaron hadn't been particularly forthcoming with what was going to happen with spring break, but he did know Alex well enough to know that would freak him out, right?

The silence that settled between them apparently wasn't comfortable for Hercules, because he was talking again, in the idle way that signified that he was doing so more to hear himself speak than because he was expecting a conversation. "Honestly, it's not like I don't do well for myself, but I'd kill to have the kind of money he has. Sure as hell wouldn't be living on campus if so. Though considering what a nerd he is, he probably arranged that so that he never had to leave campus."

They didn't talk about money often, and Alex uncurled enough to make a face at his RA. Unfortunately, Hercules was too busy fantasizing to notice it. "I mean... I guess I wouldn't kill to have it for the reasons he does. But it'd still be nice. And what does he spend it on? Absolutely nothing. Unless you're going to tell me his dorm is filled with some weird collection."

Suddenly Hercules was looking right at him. "Does he collect stamps? I bet he'd be one of those weirdos who collects stamps. Or really old books. Please tell me that he has a fetish for like.. fancy letter openers."

Mulligan was absolutely ridiculous, and Alex couldn't help but shake his head laughing. "No. Not to my knowledge. Now can you stop lusting after the idea of something else to hold over his head?"

There was something about the man's smile, and then his reply, that made Alex reassess his previous assumption that Hercules had just been looking to fill the silence. "See, there's the Alex I know and I love. You ready to stop monopolizing my bed now?"

Alex huffed as he climbed down and got ready to leave. "I guesssssssssss."

Whatever parting shot Herc made was lost as the door closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....... writing the end of this chapter was difficult like 'scene end' wise and alksjdklasjdasldja  
>  sorry about it being so weak.


	44. Chapter 44

There was a soft thud as Alex tossed himself dramatically across Madison's bed, and Aaron couldn't help but smile when the man whined, "It's spring break and you still won't tell me what you have planned."

"Considering I just left a class, I don't think you can call it spring break just yet." Aaron countered, making a show of moving around the room in search of his charger.

The truth was his bag was already packed and waiting in the rental car outside. He was having too much fun watching the other man squirm, especially since Alex's teachers had cancelled his classes not only today but yesterday.

Alex twisted on the bed so that his head was hanging off, dark hair falling about his face in a way that only accentuated what a hot mess he was. "Please tell me that was your last class, though. Last class, we check the fridge to make sure it's empty- and then we leave right?"

"Hercules has already cleared your dorm?" Alex nodded. "And you have your bag packed and ready to go?"

Alex made the face, and Aaron mentally groaned, preparing himself for what was coming. "Yes, Daddy. Your brat is ready when you are."

Why it was that sometimes perfectly innocent questions made Alex fall back into that act Aaron would never understand, but he was learning to roll with it none the less. "Care to be a good boy and double check that the fridge really is empty? I'd rather not come back to find my room smelling like expired milk."

He fully expected to find Alex in motion when he turned around, but all he found was Alex sitting up on the bed, face no longer cheerful and joking but serious. "Say that again?"

Aaron blinked, confused. "Check the fridge? Rather not have the room smell?"

Alex shook his head. "No, the other thing."

The other thing? That really had been the gist of it- Aaron coughed suddenly when it occurred to him what Alex meant, and when he spoke his voice was uncertain, "Be a good boy?"

Aaron had never been so grateful for his own dark complexion, because while he could feel the flush on his neck, it was unlikely that Alex could see it. Still, Alex's tongue had darted out to lick his bottom lip and Aaron glanced to the side instead, eyes glued to the fridge. "Er... Is that A Thing?"

Oh god, he hadn't been aware his voice could squeak like that. But they'd been going back and forth like that for over a month and not once had it occurred to Aaron that Alex might want him to... He couldn't complete that train of thought, even in his head. It had always come off as such a joke, Alex calling him Daddy, not as something that Alex was actually into. Had he been giving Alex the wrong impression by occasionally going along with it? How was he supposed to explain that he wasn't Daddy material? Not even just on a 'not my kink' level, but as a person in general.

He was still trying to figure out how to approach the subject when Alex came into his field of vision, pointedly checking the fridge before standing to look at him. Everything about the man's body language screamed self-conscious, from the way he rubbed his arm with one hand to the lip caught between his teeth. Shit, it had been a thing and now Aaron was going to have to be a lot more careful about what he said or at the very least have a very serious conversation with Alex about everything.

"It's uh," Alex was talking and Aaron did his best to clear his head enough to actually listen to what the man was saying, "like... the verbal version of when you scratch my head? You did it back when... yeah. It's just... nice. Not super used to people saying I've done good..." 

Damn if he didn't want to go and give Alex a hug there, because he looked as out of sorts as Aaron felt. "I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable that I like it."

Aaron wasn't sure he could handle the idea of Alex apologizing for wanting praise, it only called into question how little of the other man had received. "So it's not... you don't actually want me to be your daddy?"

That was probably the most awkward thing that had ever come out of his mouth, which was saying something, really, considering in high school he'd gone to prom with two girls after having been unable to tell either of them no or yes. Somehow that situation had ended up with both girls assuming they were his date, and the actual event itself had been enough to put him off the idea of dances entirely.  But it was better than trying to clarify if Alex meant that he enjoyed being validated on an emotional level or a sexual one. After all, even if it was the latter, he wasn't sure he could deny being kind to Alex... Better to not know at all probably. For both of them.

For a long moment Alex looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and then the man was laughing and Aaron groaned. When Alex finally collected himself well enough to speak again, he was shaking his head. "Oh god no."

Which would have been a relief if Alex hadn't then sat down on the bed, spreading his legs in a lewd fashion. "I mean, if you'd like to be sure you could always go on about what a good boy I am and check for yourself."

"Or," Aaron said pointedly, taking a deep breath to try and cleanse himself of the entirety of the last ten or so minutes, "You could grab your bag and we could start our vacation?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my fellow east coasters (especially those of you further up north than I am) Y'all take care of yourselves, okay?


	45. Chapter 45

After what had been probably the most hilariously awkward conversation of their relationship so far, Alex was more than willing to try and behave in the car. Or at least, he had been for the first hour of the trip, but when Aaron's idea of 'behaving' meant 'stay mostly quiet and leave the radio on the classical station' there was only so far he could be pushed.

"I can't believe that you still won't tell me where we're going," he whined. 

Aaron hummed. "You'll know when we get there. Patience."

Didn't Aaron understand he'd already been patient? "If I make guesses will you at least tell me if I'm wrong or right?"

The other man considered it for a moment. "Will you otherwise behave?"

Trust Aaron to ask if Alex was actually seeking a Daddy in his life, and then have no issue telling him to behave. It was probably too soon to make a joke about getting a spanking if not, so Alex nodded his response instead. Aaron glanced at him out of the side of his eye for a moment before waving one hand in a sort of 'go on' motion.

Where to start was the question. "Are we staying in state?"

Aaron didn't even pause to think about it, "No."

Not in state, alright. "Are we going to the beach?"

"Nope."

Alex bit his bottom lip, trying to think of somewhere else they could be going. "Are we going to a city?"

Aaron shook his head.

"So it's somewhere nature related?" That actually sounded nice, the chance to be alone with Burr somewhere outdoors. Alex smiled when Aaron finally nodded.

But if it wasn't the beach... "Are we going toward the Mountains?"

"Uh huh."

That was it, Alex couldn't help it, he laughed, and of course, it only got louder when Aaron turned to him with a worried expression.

When the laughter had subsided enough that Aaron could speak over it, he did. "Do you not like the mountains? I don't mind cancelling. We can go somewhere else, I just er... I thought you'd like it there."

Aaron could be absolutely precious at times, though Alex would never say as much outloud. "Most of the student population will be headed towards the warmest place that they can find. It's what Spring Break is typically used for, a chance to wear bikinis and hook up with random guys... and you.... you are driving straight into the coldest area you can find."

"I can cancel the reservation. It's cool. We'll just have to find a motel somewhere further south or closer to the coast." Aaron was talking fast, and Alex reached over to rest a hand on his arm when the man flicked on his blinker to change lanes.

"Chill out. For two seconds." The offended look on Aaron's face was worth it, even if Alex did understand the irony of him telling someone else to take a second. "I'm not complaining. I'm grateful we're going anywhere at all. Though if you think this will make me any more likely to wear a jacket- you have another thing coming."

"Your insistence on catching a cold is beyond me," Aaron groused, casting another anxious glance in Alex's direction before turning off his turn signal, "and if you're sure. We're still about a four-hour drive and I'd rather turn around now if you don't want to go."

The man probably wouldn't appreciate an over-done monologue about how happy Alex was to be wherever Aaron was or a comment about all the different ways that Aaron could make sure that he stayed warm. Or even all the different things that Alex was willing to be bribed with. Which was a pretty long list, all things considered. But after asking Burr to call him a good boy a second time had resulted in such an interesting and not at all awkward conversation, the last thing he wanted was Aaron questioning his motives over everything.

Besides, there was a much more pressing matter to address. "Four hours? There are literally mountains an hour to the east of us right now and you are driving us FOUR hours?"

"Alex," Aaron's voice was tight, "Do you want me to cancel our reservation or not?"

No, no he didn't. "Sorry. I'll behave."

Aaron sighed. "I promise it'll be worth it. Why don't you try and get some sleep and I'll reward you for your good behavior when we get there?"

Really, that was entirely unfair thing to say. There was no way that Aaron was suggesting what he hoped he was suggesting, a slim to none chance that Burr had finally changed his mind on the whole 'no banging damaged goods front'. If that was even Aaron's real reason for not wanting to sleep with him, rather than a lack of attraction. 

Alex puffed out his cheeks, unhappy with his own train of thought. The idea that Aaron might not actually want to be with him at this point was almost painful, even if he did understand the man's initial reasons for turning him down. Who would want to be with a druggie anyway? Much less Jefferson's leftovers. 

"Lay down, Alex," came Burr's voice, and Alex swallowed as he looked over, but Aaron's eyes were still on the road, "Be a good boy and lay down. You want to be a good boy for me don't you?"

Aaron was going to wear that out now that he knew how much Alex liked it, but Alex still nodded before laying back his seat and leaning backward to snag a blanket from the back. It'd probably get annoying after a while, but right now he was going to relish in the fact that Aaron cared enough to listen when he said he liked something. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weirdest note I will ever add to a piece of fanfiction- but for my readers who ya know.... do their taxes? That's a thing you should be doing at some point soon and turbo tax lets you do it for free (so long as you're doing simples.) and is pretty easy. I did it with them last year and am in the process of doing it again this year.
> 
> Do ur taxes, please don't get in trouble with the law- it makes it really really easy. like I didn't even have to fill out my w-2 info, just my employer ID and it was like 'yeeeah we gotcha.'
> 
> also if I disappear we do keep on and off losing power here. while I'm not in the brunt of the storm.... weather is weather and it doesn't take much ice to shut my town down.


	46. Chapter 46

It was probably wrong to get a rush of pleasure from watching Alexander splutter awake, but Aaron couldn't help but smile. Even when dark eyes turned on him, glaring almost comically in his half asleep state, there was something almost innocent about the act that made him feel warm despite the chilly air.

"Sorry," Aaron finally said, leaning against the open car door, "But I need you to step out."

Alex nodded, rolling his shoulders as he shoved the blanket off of him and climbed outside, only to snag the blanket at the last minute and wrap it around his shoulders. "Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," he dragged out, still glaring at Aaron.

"Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr yourself, Alex," Aaron replied, because really, Alex had no excuse for whining about the weather. "We're here. You can get warm again inside."

"We're here?" Dark eyes widened, and Aaron rolled his eyes fondly as Alex spun on heel, almost slipping in the process. ".... Bear-naked? Really? Please tell me that's a hint for what's to come."

Considering Alex's stormy expression earlier, he couldn't bring himself to reiterate how much that wasn't in the plan. Instead, he gave a soft shove to Alex's shoulder in the direction of the cabin. "You can stay out here if you like, but I'm going inside."

The cabin was small enough to be cosy, just enough to fit their needs. A large fireplace took up the majority of the wall, and Aaron couldn't help but be pleased with the lack of a television or any other sign of modern technology in the room. There was a small kitchen off behind the couch and a hallway with two doors that Aaron assumed led to the bathroom and bedroom respectively. It had been the last cabin available for rental, and he'd almost decided against it due to its honeymoon status- but he had a feeling Alex wouldn't complain too much about the single bed.

Aaron resisted the urge to flinch as arms wrapped themselves around his waist, reminding himself that they were the only ones there. It became a little easier to believe when Alex spoke in his ear, "So... Where's my reward? I've been such a good boy, haven't I?"

That had definitely been the wrong phrase to use earlier, hadn't it. Breathing out through his nose slowly, Aaron wiggled until the arms dropped. "I think it's a bit early to declare yourself good, don't you? You haven't even gotten your things out of the car."

That sent Alex in motion, and Aaron took a moment to collect himself before following to get his own things. Alex's bag was already sitting next to the desk (completely packed) and the man was bringing in the few groceries Burr had bothered to pack from college while Aaron set about pulling his clothes out and putting them away. If Hamilton wanted to be a complete slob who had to dig through his bag each morning, then that was great for him, but Aaron liked to consider himself more civilized than that.

"Unless you're hiding things under seats, I think I've got everything," Alex said, peaking his head into the room. "So... reward time?"

On top of not using 'Good boy' to coax Alex, he probably should have thought of a reward before offering one, and Aaron glanced to the side for a moment before he spoke, "Wait for me on the couch?"

Alex nodded and then shook his head, almost as if to clear his head. "You know I appreciate everything you do, right?"

There was something about the pure anxiety in his voice that made Aaron look up. "Of course. Have I done something to make you think otherwise?"

"I just-" Alex drummed his fingers against the door frame. "You've been really great? about like... not doing anything that might hurt me and even if sometimes I find it annoying that you won't..."

A long pause and Aaron felt his stomach in his throat. This had to be payback for asking if Alex needed a daddy. If not on an intentional level from the other man, then on a karma level- the universe intent on exacting its revenge. Aaron had been driving for so long and all he wanted to do right then was go to sleep, and here Alex was switching rapidly from begging for a reward to...

Whatever this was. "Alex-"

"Don't interrupt me, please. I need to say this?"

Aaron nodded, closing his mouth and sitting down on the edge of the bed to show he was listening.

"I just... you've been really great about not... taking advantage of me." Alex finally said, still chewing on his lip as he searched for the words. "Even when I've asked for it... and like, don't get me wrong, I still really hope that one day we might ... uh yeah. But I just... want to make sure that you know that I don't want you to ever do anything that you aren't comfortable with?"

The idea of Alexander Hamilton reassuring him that his consent mattered would have been funny if the man didn't look so out of sorts. There were a thousand things Aaron could have said in response, starting with 'I know a predator when I see one and though you bark, you have no fangs' or that Aaron might consider 'uh yeah' one day if Alex was ever able use his words regarding the matter- jokes not included, or even that it was sweet of Alex to worry about accidentally coercing him. Because it was sweet, and also validating to actually hear from Alex himself that Alex understood his reasoning for turning him down repeatedly.

Somehow Aaron had the feeling Alex wouldn't appreciate any of those things. "Alex."

"Uh huh?"

"Go wait for me on the couch, like I asked before." When the man didn't move, still looking nervous, Aaron gave him a look. "I'm going to scratch your head, not blow you against my will."

There was a laugh as Alex finally disappeared from sight, and Aaron sent a silent prayer into the universe that that would be their last awkward exchange of the week. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that's the first time I've gone 24 hours without an update.  
> whoops.  
> I'm sorry?
> 
> also  
> I mean  
> if Burr gets to be hella awkward, so does Alex.


	47. Chapter 47

"Is this what we're doing all week? Because if so, I am so down for it."

Aaron laughed, and Alex huffed. He was being perfectly serious, not joking. They'd been sitting in front of the fire for almost an hour this morning, and while it might be a good idea to eventually get up and figure out something for breakfast, he couldn't actually convince himself to get up from Aaron's lap. Not when the body beneath his was so warm and comfortable, not when Aaron was still sleepily massaging his scalp.

The only thing that might have made it better was if the hand in his hair wasn't quite so gentle, if he was allowed to attend to the matter that he knew rested just behind his head. It wasn't as if Aaron was inhuman, they were queer men who had been sleeping together for over a month now, but Alex was supposed to pretend that the man never got morning wood.

It was pointless letting his thoughts drift in that direction, especially after the conversation they'd had last night. If one could even call it a conversation, rather than Alex awkwardly word vomiting until Aaron sent him away with the promise of head scratches. As if he were a dog that could be redirected with the promise of praise and Alex couldn't even complain because he'd gone. Left to the living room instead of standing his ground and defending that this was a conversation they needed to have.

Before it would have never occurred to him that Aaron might actually feel pressured, but he'd been acting weird since yesterday morning. Or really, even before that, but Alex couldn't quite put his finger on any particular behavior. And then he'd sent Alex to go wait on the couch the first time and Alex had been able to name the expression on the other man's face- uncertainty. The idea that Aaron might have interpreted his demand for the reward he had earned, as Alex thinking he was owed something in particular made him anxious.

He never wanted to be that guy, and he wanted to make sure Aaron knew that. That he understood. And instead, Aaron had sent him away with a fond look and the promise of more touching. Alex groaned and the fingers carding through his hair stilled, Aaron's face suddenly coming into view as the man shifted.

"I'm sorry, is something wrong?"

Alex made a small whining noise in the back of his throat. "Feed me."

It wasn't an answer to Aaron's question, but it was taken for one and that was all that mattered. "You'll have to get up if you want me to make breakfast."

His roll to the floor wasn't exactly the most graceful move he ever made, but Aaron did help him get off the floor before heading toward the kitchen. Alex stood there for a moment before finally following after, choosing to prop himself up on the table as Aaron moved about the kitchen.

There was something oddly domestic about it all, but that thought made Alex's chest feel funny. "Whatcha making me?"

"Scrambled eggs," Aaron said looking over, "Unless you want pancakes? I'm afraid we don't have much else we can make. We'll go grocery shopping later today."

"Scrambled eggs is good." Alex shifted so that he was more fully sitting on the table. "Other than grocery shopping and cuddling, of course."

Five eggs sizzling Aaron splashed another bit of milk in the pan. "Patience, pet. Patience."

Pet. That was a new one. Alex kicked his feet as he watched Aaron, debating whether or not he liked it. "You can't keep me in the dark forever."

Aaron snorted, pulling two plates from the cabinet so that they'd be ready for the eggs when they were done. "Not forever, just until we get there."

They'd been together for too long for Aaron to think that he was going to give up that easily. "You did that on the way here. Come ooooooon. Tell me what we're doing. I'll figure it out eventually."

When Aaron still didn't respond, he tried again. "I'll see it on the way there, it isn't like on the way here where you could convince me to go to sleep. So why not tell me now?"

Aaron hummed, turning off the oven before portioning out the eggs. "Or I could blindfold you on the way there."

Not fair. "I'd take it off."

"Even if I asked you to be a good boy and keep it on?"

That wasn't fair, not fair at all and Aaron placed a plate with a fork and eggs on it next to Alex before leaning against the counter to eat his own. And really, the entire statement wasn't fair, but it was only made more so by the fact that there was no way that Aaron didn't know what he was doing. Not with that carefully curious expression on his face. 

Aaron wasn't allowed to ask if 'Good Boy' was a thing, wasn't allowed to turn him down again and again and again, and then act as if it were a perfectly casual thing to threaten to blindfold someone. To ask them to keep it on for the sake of being a good boy. Instead of answering Alex picked up the plate of eggs that he'd been offered and shovelled them in his mouth.  It gave him something to focus on beyond how hard Aaron made it to not make dirty jokes, to not ask for more. How not fair Aaron was being.

Something must have shown on his expression because Aaron sat down his own plate gently, before walking over to stand directly in front of him. "That was mean, wasn't it?"

Alex nodded, pushing the eggs around on his plate.

"Sorry." It sounded at least mostly sincere, "Can we have a conversational safe word? Something to let either of us know when we're pushing things too far?"

For a moment Alex considered picking Jefferson,  but instead he finally said, "Virginia."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Daveed Diggs turns thirty-fucking- four today. Technically, as of today- he is exactly as many years older than me as T jeffs was older than A Ham.


	48. Chapter 48

It wasn't the first time he'd felt entirely out of his depth since he'd met Alex, but this was probably the most fun he'd had while being so.

Alex had bickered and taunted almost the entire time that they'd been at the grocery store, almost to the point of Aaron snapping- but once everything was put away and they were back in the car... The seat was reclined and he had his scarf pulled up over most of his face- not quite a blindfold but enough of a sight impairment that Aaron felt comfortable that Alex was playing along.

Despite his misstep earlier.

Which was honestly something that they should probably talk about if the look on Alex's face had been any indication. He honestly hadn't put together the implication of 'blindfold' and 'good boy' until the man had given him that deer in the headlight's look. So he'd apologized and done his best to offer some sort of solution, a way for Alex to end the conversation without falling back on his usual dirty jokes. Really, Aaron knew he should probably be more careful about throwing around the phrase, and yet he had found himself unable to resist.

They needed to talk about it. He needed Alex to be the one to bring it up, though, and considering Alex had already stuck his neck out by telling him that he liked to be called a good boy... well, Aaron was just going to have to trust that Alex would say something when he was ready.

"How much longer?" Alex whined from the seat next to him.

Aaron glanced at the GPS on his phone. "Just a little longer now."

Alex hummed, curling up slightly as he did, apparently willing to be patient now.

A fact that Aaron was infinitely grateful for because he'd worked so hard on planning this trip on the fly, on trying to figure out a place that Alex would enjoy himself. Have a chance to get away from thoughts of Jefferson and Madison- as well as Hercules and the rest of the gang. Aaron exhaled slowly, pausing for a beat before inhaling. No need to get upset right then, especially with their destination so close.

He couldn't help but be amused when Alex didn't sit up, even as he parked the vehicle. "Alright, Princess. We're here."

The look on Alex's face wasn't quite a glare. "I'm not allowed to make dirty jokes but you're still allowed to call me every ridiculous pet name in the book?"

"Do you want me to stop?" It was an honest question. He was more than willing to curb his tongue if that was what Alex actually wanted, instead of him just pouting.

His suspicions were confirmed when Alex didn't respond at all, instead climbing out of the car and staring up at the old wooden building in front of them. "What is this place?"

The curiosity in Alex's voice was exactly what he'd been after. "It's candy shop. I know it doesn't look like much from the outside, but I came here a few times as a kid. I know how much you get off on different kinds of sweets and I doubt you'll have ever seen so many different kinds in one place before. There's even a room in the back where you can watch them make new batches of fudge."

There was a hitch in Alex's breath and the man turned to look at him. "Can we go in now?"

"After you, Sweetie."

Alex's eye roll was entirely undermined by the hand pulling him along and into the building. It was just as Aaron remembered it, if perhaps a little smaller. The barrels of candy now coming up to his waist instead of all but towering overhead, and still the room was impressive. The brightness, the colors, the smell- every bit of it brought him back to a simpler time and while Alex could claim no similar nostalgia, the smile on his face was enough to tell Aaron that he'd made the right choice.

Eventually, the hand gripping his disappeared and Aaron watched as Alex flittered from barrel to barrel, intent on checking out all the new and bizarre candies, doing his best to pay attention to the ones that the man lingered on longer. It was only once Alex had disappeared into the back room to check out the fudge process that Aaron did his own shopping, speaking with the cashier before paying.

When he slung an arm around Alex's shoulder, he had but a small bag of candy in his hand, mostly consisting of his absolute favorite candy sticks. "So, what have you learned?"  
  


"That I could watch them turn sugar into fudge for hours," the awe in Alex's voice was tangible and childlike and Aaron tightened his grip in response.

"You could. However, there are a few more places I'd love to show you if you're interested." 

Only if Alex wanted to, though. Aaron had no problem sitting around and watching Alex watch the man pouring ingredients in the mixer, if that's where Alex's wanted to be. They had no set schedule for the week, only a few things here and there that Aaron thought the man might enjoy. Might have never had the chance to experience himself, if the vague strands that Aaron had gotten regarding Alex's childhood meant what Aaron assumed. 

Alex tipped his head to look at him. "There's more?"

"Not quite as exciting as this place, considering how much you love candy," Aaron said before shrugging, "But there's a little place up the road that serves an amazing home-style lunch if you're interested."

At least the man didn't look completely put off by the idea of leaving the candy shop. "Home-style?"

Aaron hummed. "I take it you've never had the pleasure of a good Southern home cooked meal?"

"Considering I'm from the West Indies..." Alex let the statement trail off. " No. Not unless you count the Union food home cooked."

The man behind the glass shot them a look, whether because of the possessive arm that was still wrapped around Alex or Alex's insinuation that something called the 'Union' might produce Southern style food, Aaron wasn't sure. But just in case it was the former, he did begin steering the man out. "It'll be a treat. The food is fantastic down here."

Alex nodded, his expression tentative but curious. "I suppose if I don't like it I can always demand you take me here for lunch tomorrow."

"If you can't find something you like, I'll take you back today- how about that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Burr, human disaster, in way over his head.  
> Giant candy stores were my childhood. Every summer we went up to the mountains, tubed down the river, and visited lots of tiny places and it was my   
> favorite thing.


	49. Chapter 49

Home-style was apparently southern for 'way more food than you could ever actually eat' and Alex was in heaven.

The spread in front of him almost made up for the fact that Aaron was sitting across the table, too far away for Alex's comfort. There'd been some sort of explanation, something about a look and not wanting to cause anything, but honestly, Alex didn't care. The south couldn't be that far behind the times, could it? Or was it something about small towns that had Aaron on guard. Besides, the restaurant was cozy and quaint and everyone seemed to happy at their tables. It felt like too safe of a place for him to have to question whether or not his hand brushed against Aaron's a little too long when they reached for the okra.

"To be honest," Aaron's voice was light, and Alex glared preemptively, ready to be the butt of a joke. "I'm just amazed to see you eating vegetables."

Called it. "I'd make a joke about you being my dad now," Alex snickered at the kick he received under the table, "But I've been told to be on my best behavior."

"I just think we should be polite in public," the man groused, and Alex held up his hands in mock defeat.

From there the conversation flowed in safer directions as Aaron shared small stories from his childhood, much to Alex's delight. Apparently it had been years since he'd been up here, but it wasn't the first time Aaron had eaten at this place. The image of a much smaller Burr racing around the candy shop was almost too precious to imagine, only topped by one of Aaron's mother eating a sundae with him at a long since closed diner. It was the first time he'd heard mention of Aaron's parents since their initial misconversation on the matter, and there was something nice about the wistful look on Aaron's face and the fact that he'd chosen to share it with him. Not only with his past but the location itself. In many ways, inviting Alex here was an act far more intimate than any of the ones he'd been denied so far.

Alex looked away when the waitress winked at Aaron, trying not to feel bitter about the way she leaned in to discuss the check. He wasn't aggravated at the way her hand rested on Burr's shoulder, or at the fact that Aaron smiled back, head tilted upward- far too close to the shirt that was unbuttoned just a little too much. Alex just... needed some air. That's why he stepped out of the building before Aaron had finished paying.

Because the mountain air was crisp and refreshing and tempting. Alex leaned against the hood of the rental, chiding himself for being ridiculous. Because that's what this was, wasn't it? He'd just thought... It didn't matter what he thought, because clearly they were on different pages and Alex needed to get with the program. He couldn't even claim to be getting mixed signals, could he? Aaron had been more than upfront about Alex's chances of things becoming more than what they were.

Except Aaron also called him Good Boy, called him sweetie, princess. And not in the same way that Alex had called Aaron sweetheart, not with the same tone. Aaron's words never carried the implication that they were meant to make him uncomfortable. No, that was all on Alex because Alex was such a little brat all the time and damn if Aaron didn't occasionally call him that too, still without a bit of judgment in his voice.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to go shopping," Alex startled when he realized that Burr was standing by the driver's side door now. "But why don't we go back to the cabin. Maybe take a nap?"

Alex nodded mutely, climbing into the car without complaint. He wasn't really in the mood to be out in public anymore, especially if Aaron wasn't willing to hold his hand. He'd gotten spoiled by the liberal attitude at college. Or maybe he'd been spoiled by the fact that there had been people around that Aaron felt the need to play act for.

"You planning on telling me what has you upset?" Aaron's voice was calmer than he felt, but Alex still shook his head.

No, he didn't plan on telling Aaron why he was upset because what if they made Aaron feel like he had to do something he wasn't comfortable with? Or if it made Aaron want to stop holding his hand when they were on campus.

Aaron sighed, and Alex almost gave in, feeling guilty over causing the man grief considering that Aaron didn't have to be doing any of this. Pretending to be in a relationship with Alex didn't mean he had to take him on vacation, much less to a place that meant so much to the man. Alex just needed to learn to be grateful for what he got.

Thankfully they arrived at the cabin before the quiet could become more awkward or heavier, and Alex followed behind as Aaron walked into the house. He even managed to only be a little shocked when Aaron flopped on the bed and patted the space next to him.

Little bit or not, it had been enough for Aaron to catch it. "I said we were coming back to nap. Unless you'd rather I took the couch?"

Aaron wasn't allowed to sound uncertain. Alex shook his head against before diving into bed, smiling despite himself at Aaron's surprised laugh. It was easy enough to move around and curl up, placing his head on Aaron's chest the way he had dozens if not a hundred times before. Easy to let himself relax when Aaron wrapped an arm around his waist. 

"You had me worried there for a moment." Aaron mumbled into his hair, and Alex wasn't even sure if he was supposed to hear it.

Either way he was grateful. He was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... do you know how hard it was to write this chapter after the level of depravity that I wrote this morning?  
>  Honestly I'm always like 'you can find me on tumblr' but don't do it unless you want to see way more kink talk than you ever asked for. (at least the last few days... whoops.) On that note- if ur a kiddo(or an adult) and want to follow me and Not see that shit- the new xkit extension does allow you to blacklist shit and I am tagging everything with 'nsfw text' and 'kink mention'
> 
> Also shout out to the two people who were like '..... Aaron's ever increasing petname usage isn't a good sign is it.'


	50. Chapter 50

Jefferson's hands were around his throat. Feather light at first, and then digging in when Aaron flinched beneath the touch.

Aaron struggled to get away, trying to fight him off only to be frozen by the way their skin clashed. Burr was darker than Jefferson, right? So why was his skin so much lighter now? Why was he fighting Thomas anyway? They'd never gotten along but he'd never been looked at with such disgust before, and then Thomas was leaning down and there were lips against his ear. _'We both know this is what you're worth, Alex'_

Alex's name stilled him as Aaron tried to work through what was happening, something wasn't adding up. But before he could quite place it, there was a hand trailing down his stomach and the lower it went the more his nausea built. _'That's a good boy, just take it.'_

But he wasn't Alex, and that wasn't what being good meant. Being good wasn't about letting someone hurt you, it wasn't about staying still so that Jefferson could... Aaron clenched his eyes and thrashed, trying to stop what was about to happen. He couldn't move, something was wrong with his arms. Someone or something was holding him down and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. 

 _'Mon Ami,'_ Jefferson was saying, voice strange, _'this is what you wanted, no?'_

No, no no, this wasn't what he wanted at all. Aaron jerked, and this time, he was successful in throwing the body on top of him off. Still panicked he threw the covers off of him as he panted, brain still scrambling to try and piece together the rapidly fading images.

"Jesus Christ." Aaron turned to look at the source of the swearing, nausea doubling at the sight of Alex on the floor, hand covering what appeared to be a busted lip.

Ten. Nine. Fuck.

 _'Hercules slapped me once._ ' Echoed in his head unbidden. _'Who hasn't wanted to strangle me?'_

The eyes that were looking up at him were wide. Ten. Nine. Eight- Fuck. Aaron looked away, unable to see what he'd done.

Alex pressing his hand against a bruise too large for his fingers to hide. _'Nothing worse than what John and I do to each other.'_

God dammit. Alex never seeming shocked that someone hurt him. Alex sitting on the floor right now, quivering. Because of Aaron. Aaron who had sworn to never hurt him. Aaron who he seemed to have believed on that front. Aaron who had just failed him.

Five. Four. Three. Shit.

There was a hand on his arm, hesitant fingers spreading against his skin and Aaron couldn't stop himself. He yanked away, horrified at the contrast, at the memory of Jefferson's words in his head. And what had that been? Was that how it had happened? Had Alex just stopped fighting? Just taken it in hopes that it would be over soon?

This time it was Madison's voice, muffled through the door but disgust still evident, _'It was one thing when I could convince myself that you wanted it'._ The quiet knowledge that he didn't want to have, didn't want to think about, didn't want to accept that Alex had probably stopped fighting long before that night. That whatever it was hadn't just happened then. That Jefferson's texts had been more damning than he'd realized, that he should have never assumed the man was just trying to get under his skin. Thomas didn't need to get under Aaron's skin, he'd been living inside Alex's for months.

Alex who calmed when touched. Who relaxed when held. Who hadn't seemed to understand why Aaron wouldn't take what was being offered, hadn't seemed to believe that Aaron didn't want that from him. Who called himself disgusting when Aaron wouldn't. Who marveled at every kind touch, even now. Who paid attention enough to notice that Aaron rarely touched anyone else. Who had frozen in the doorway the other night and felt the need to apologize for possibly pushing him.

As if anything Alex had ever said could be compared to what had happened to him.

When Alex said he was gagging for it, was it just an echo? Had he heard Jefferson's voice in his head for so long that he was starting to see him in his reflection too?

There was a glass of water hovering in front of his face and he looked up to see Alex there, still looking panicked and he couldn't help it anymore. He sobbed, fingers digging into his own upper arms the way he'd seen Alex do a thousand times before. Numbers and voices clattered against one another in his head and he didn't understand why the counting wasn't helping anymore. It'd always been enough to get himself back under control, but right now they were only noise adding to the cacophony. 

The glass bumped against his lip, and Aaron made a distressed noise, wanting it to go away. Wanting Alex to go away, to get away from him before he screwed everything up again. But Alex kept standing there, looking wildly uncomfortable as he pressed the glass forward again. Giving in Aaron opened his mouth, cringing as the icy water was tipped into his mouth. Surprisingly Alex pulled the cup away before it became too much, shaking hands setting it down on the table before sitting at the edge of the bed.

Away from Aaron.

One. Two. Fuck, apparently direction didn't matter and he still needed to say something. "I'm so sorry."

Alex shook his head and Aaron swallowed. If Alex didn't want to accept his apology, he couldn't force the other man to listen. Didn't want to try. He'd tried so hard already. Had built himself up, not even into an idea of perfect, just of basic humanity and he couldn't even do that right. He'd spent so much time trying to convince Alex that people hurting him wasn't inevitable and yet...

"You'd sit on me if I looked like that."

Aaron blinked at him, not understanding the thread of conversation and Alex ran a tongue over his lip before speaking again, "But you don't seem like you want to be touched and Herc would probably say it isn't nice to almost spill water on people so I'm really not sure what to do now."

Sweet Jesus. He'd hit the boy and Alex was sitting there anxious over not knowing how to comfort him, stumbling over words and Aaron wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. The sound that came out of his chest was a mix of both and he watched as Alex fidgeted with the sleeves of his jacket, even as Alex watched him.

It was Alex that broke the silence again. "I'm just not really good at this kind of thing. Can you just... if you can... please tell me if you want me to leave?"

No. Aaron didn't want him to leave, but he also didn't trust his voice at this point. Didn't trust himself not to say things he couldn't take back, or for his voice to not crack. So instead he held out his arms in offering until Alex gingerly arranged himself so that he was sitting next to him, barely resting his head against Aaron's chest until Aaron wrapped his arms around him.

And if Aaron stared at his hand against Alex's shoulder just a little longer than usual, to remind himself of who they were... Well, Alex didn't have to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... I didn't accidentally give myself feelings while writing this.


	51. Chapter 51

Putting an ice pack on his lip was entirely excessive and Alex might have argued that if Aaron didn't still look like he'd seen a bloody ghost.

It wasn't an expression that he enjoyed seeing on his partner, and if Alex could help make some of that go away by freezing part of his face off, then he wasn't going to complain. He wasn't quite sure how long they'd sat there in the bedroom, but eventually, Aaron had gotten up- movements stiff and Alex had followed him just to make sure everything was okay. The trip had resulted in a paper towel wrapped Ziploc bag of full of ice being placed against his face unexpectedly, and maybe he wouldn't have minded if he'd received any kind of warning.

But he didn't complain, just reached up to take the offering, even if it seemed ridiculous to him. If anything, his hip from where he hit the ground hurt more than his face did. Something told him it was a bad idea to point that out. Instead, he continued to follow Aaron's footsteps, hovering awkwardly when the man sat on the edge of the couch, blankly staring ahead.

"You know," Alex tried to find his voice, especially once Aaron turned to look back at him, "A wise man once told me that it helps to talk about your feelings."

There was no flicker of recognition in Aaron's gaze, and Alex bit back the urge to prod him. To make him say something, or do something because this? This couldn't be healthy and it wasn't as if Alex was a fool. He knew what unhealthy looked like, knew what unhealthy did, and he didn't want Aaron to go to those places, didn't want Aaron to know what it felt like.

Alex was just about to say something else when Aaron licked his lips and swallowed before speaking, "I never wanted to hurt you."

"So don't," It was easy to say, probably too easy considering his personal history. But this was Aaron they were talking about and if there was someone who had gone above and beyond to prove that they'd never hurt Alex, it was him.

Aaron's head tilted to the side, and it would probably be wrong to mention that this was the most open he'd ever seen the other man. Face mostly slack and yet still somehow more expressive than the rest of time they'd spent together. "I shouldn't have done that."

Alex made a face, "Had a nightmare? Yes, I can see how you were operating under the illusion that was a choice."

Sarcasm probably wasn't the way to go because Aaron only looked more frustrated with him. "I hurt you. How can you be so blithe about this? I hurt you. Don't you understand that?"

Blithe wasn't a word he was particularly familiar with, but context was context all the same and Alex lowered the ice pack from his face as he walked closer to kneel in front of Aaron. "You mean this? Aaron you are making me ice a non-existent hurt. The cold is more annoying than anything there."

Oh, that wasn't fair. Aaron seemed determined to check out that assessment for himself and one hand had come up beneath his jaw, cradling his head as the thumb of his other hand brushed along his bottom lip. It was a position Alex had fantasized enough about, and it'd be easy to lean forward and show Aaron just how much he didn't mind what had happened. To tell him that sure, there might be a little swelling, but really there was a pleasant way to increase that if he didn't mind.

Except Aaron was looking at him with such a strange focus, leaning in and it might have been to look closer to make sure that there really wasn't an open wound there, but if it wasn't... If it wasn't Alex couldn't let him do that. No, Aaron was still going out of his way to make sure he never took advantage of Alex not being in a great place, and as much as Alex would love to be kissed, especially after spending half the day so emotional... It wouldn't be right to turn around and kiss Aaron when he was so clearly still upset.

So Alex stroked the hand holding his jaw gently before standing up and taking a small step back. "Can you stop worrying about hurting me now?"

Aaron's hands stayed hovering in the air for a moment before dropping back into his lap. "No."

Of course not. "Can you, at least, accept that you didn't hurt me earlier?"

Aaron didn't respond, face openly conflicted and Alex made a loud whining sound, not caring how much like a child he must seem. "Aaron Burr if you don't stop beating yourself up over having a nightmare..... I don't know what I'll do, but you won't like it."

That got an eye roll. "Planning on licking my face again?"

"Fatal misstep, my dear."  Aaron gave him a look and Alex only grinned, grateful for the chance for humor- it was more his speed than worrying after all. "Now I know that that's the thing that bothers you the most."

Aaron rubbed at his face before moving to actually sit on the couch properly, his head leaning back against the cushion. "I guess I'd deserve it after the blindfold fiasco earlier."

Because the blindfold had been the uncomfortable part of their morning conversation. It seemed bizarre to even acknowledge that this had all been one day. Suddenly the emotional exhaustion hit him fully, brain going over everything that had happened. From Aaron's shameless overuse of Good Boy to get him in the car that morning, to the easy happiness had been evident in both of them at the candy store, to his temper tantrum at lunch. To the fact that Aaron had still wanted to sleep with him after that, to Aaron's nightmare and oh god what if his temper tantrum had been the reason Aaron had woken up in such a state. They didn't seem to be connected, but Aaron was always so attentive to his moods and maybe that had caused him to go to bed uneasy.

Either way, Aaron deserved better. "I'm sorry about earlier," Aaron tilted his head to look at him and Alex swallowed, "at the restaurant. I was-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Alex." Aaron still sounded so tired, though perhaps not as far away as he had earlier, which seemed to be a good sign.

"You asked me to behave and instead, I acted like an ass," Alex insisted, "You planned this whole trip and it was so sweet and I fucked everything up just because..."

Because he'd been jealous, which probably wasn't the right thing to say, and wasn't he trying to behave? to make things easier for Aaron. "I just..."

"Alex." It was stern, clipping through his thought process. "Can we... can we just sit here right now? watch the fire and pretend today didn't happen? Because that's what I'd like to do."

Alex worried his bottom lip before nodding, sitting down on the couch and allowing himself to be pulled until his head was on Aaron's lap. "The candy part was nice. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen."

Aaron let out a sigh, and Alex almost apologized before Aaron cut him off again. "The candy part was nice, wasn't it?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is aaron burr okay?  
> probs not but we can all pretend he is.  
> andgivehimlotsofhugs.causeheneedsthem.
> 
> also if you were ever like 'I want to talk to the author but what if I embarrass myself'
> 
> The other night I was drunk blogging about someone's fic, they started following me and messaged me about it as which point my drunk self proceeded to just go 'MEAN BURR IS MEAN. HE NEEDS TO GO SIT IN THE CORNER' or something like that and then later I gave them reccs for good/terrible gay rom coms.  
> believe me. I embarrass myself on a far too regular basis to judge you for anything that you might say.


	52. Chapter 52

There probably wasn't anything wrong with the pancakes on his plate, but Aaron couldn't bring himself to take a single bite more. He'd barely managed to get one of them down as was, and he sighed before putting his plate on the counter, sticking the leftover stack in the microwave for whenever Alex finally woke up.

As if on cue there was a muttering sound as Alex padded his way down the hallway. Aaron smiled fondly at the sight of him leaning against the doorway, at the way green plaid pajama bottoms he'd worn to bed had managed to ruck themselves up, exposing one tanned calf but not the other. Then there was his hair pulled up in a half ponytail and still fighting to escape that, spare pieces falling in front of his face as Alex blinked at him sleepily.

Aaron made a soft 'oof' sound as arms wrapped themselves around his waist. "Good morning to you too," he whispered, not wanting to break the quiet of the cabin.

There was a tickling sensation as a nose nuzzled in his chest, the man's voice heavy with the sound of sleep as he spoke, "You woke up early."

That he had. Aaron rested his cheek against the top of Alex's head, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his chest as they stood there. Really he should break way, go and fix Alex's plate before it got any colder, or offer to make him something else considering how hard Aaron had found it to eat. They might even consider going out for breakfast, there was a small restaurant just a few miles down the road, with a small but delicious menu, but Alex's arms were so tight around him and Aaron hadn't missed the flash of hurt the day before when he'd suggested they not sit next to one another at lunch.

After everything that had happened yesterday he wasn't sure that he was willing to cause Alex even the smallest bit more of discomfort. Even if there wasn't any visible mark left on his face, even if Alex insisted that he couldn't control having a nightmare, even if Alex said that it was fine- none of those changed what he'd seen. How it'd felt to have Alex looking up at him with those eyes.

"Stop that," Alex muttered.

Aaron would gladly stop doing whatever it was if he had any idea of what Alex was talking about. "Hm?"

The arms around him tightened their hold. "I can hear your heart, and while I'd love it if the pounding was because being close to me has that effect on you... It's not. You're making yourself upset again."

It probably wasn't nice, but Aaron extracted himself from the hug at that, unwilling to discuss that particular topic again. "Come on, I made pancakes. But there's also muffin mix if you'd prefer that?"

Alex shook his head, going to the fridge himself. "I can take care of myself."

It might have been an innocent statement had it not been so sternly and Aaron sighed, trying to bat down the feeling that he'd put his foot in his mouth again. "Alex-"

"Don't Alex me," the man said, withdrawing from the fridge with the milk and eggs, setting them down on the counter so that he could bend down to look for a frying pan.

"What am I allowed to say then?" Aaron asked, leaning against the sink as he watched the other man making his scrambled eggs.

Why did this have to be so hard all the time? Why couldn't they just stay curled up on the couch for the rest of break and be okay for five minutes without Aaron managing to screw everything up. Suddenly all Aaron wanted to do was go back to bed, to make his excuses to disappear so that he could sink into the mattress and hide beneath the covers until things made sense again.

Alex didn't even bother to get a plate, cutting off the stove and moving the pan to another eye was all he did before digging his fork into the yellow mess. "Stop looking like a kicked puppy. That's my look."

Aaron raised an eyebrow and Alex shrugged. "I'm not fragile, you know that right? You're not going to hurt me by hugging me too hard or whatever weird thought process you were having earlier. I'm pretty durable- just ask John."

The other man seemed to realize his misstep a moment after it came out of his mouth, and it was only the look on Alex's face that stopped Aaron from snapping that he'd really rather not ask John Laurens anything, all things considered. It was something else on the long list of things they should probably eventually talk about, but like everything else, it'd never been the right time. Aaron had no intention of telling Alex that he wasn't allowed to see his friend, couldn't be that person, had no interest in trying to control who Alex was friends with- even if they happened to be the more violent one of what had to be the most sociopathic couple on campus.

"I'm so sorry," was the statement that broke the strange silence.

Aaron shrugged, chewing on the inside of his cheek for a moment before answering, "For what happened or mentioning him?"

Because really, it wasn't Alex's fault that Laurens couldn't be trusted to use basic common sense and while it was tempting to point out that perhaps Alex shouldn't be friends with someone he had to constantly apologize for... Aaron didn't mean that. All he wanted was Alex to be happy, and there were things that John Laurens could do for him that Aaron would never dream of. The memory of Alex telling him that they'd stopped sleeping together rose unbidden, and Aaron shook his head aggressively to clear his head.

"Don't answer that actually. He's your friend, you don't need to apologize for him or for talking about him."

Alex didn't look so sure. "But he-"

"I am very aware of what he did, I was there." 

Was this what it felt like every time he brought up Jefferson? Like someone was digging their fingers into a fresh wound? Like muttering 'the bullet went straight through, so if you don't mind'? Aaron shifted uncomfortably under Alex's apologetic gaze, not enjoying the worry he saw reflected there. As if what Laurens had done was anything compared to what Thomas did to Alex. As if Aaron had any right to be bothered by what transpired.

"Please just finish your eggs, okay? And then we'll figure out what we're going to do today."

Aaron disappeared into the living room before Alex could argue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so chapter 50 kind of emotionally wrecked me and made me anxious about writing another Burr chapter whooooooo  
> so instead I wrote sin that is vaguely in this 'verse instead.
> 
> dadadadadadadadadada  
> but oh my gosh there are 500 kudos now and oh my gosh
> 
> ilu guys.
> 
> Your Diggs Comment of the day:  
> Ever wanted to see Diggs be Way Too Huggy with people?  
> Ever wanted to see Diggs pretend to have a 10 minute long orgasm?  
> Ever wanted to see Diggs pretend to be a space medic?
> 
> If so- all three of your desires have been met in this 7 ish minute long clip:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeJ1dB2uutI


	53. Chapter 53

[From: Careful  
9:00 AM

....  
you're lucky i was already up.]

[From: Careful  
9:03 AM

talk to him?]

[From: Careful  
9:09 AM

idk. if he doesn't want to talk...  
kiss him? blow him?  
whatever it is you two do.]

[From: Careful  
9:15 AM

wasn't trying to be funny.  
he's your boyfriend- not mine.  
you know the others are better at this than me.]

[From: Careful  
9:17 AM

talk to your boyfriend  
or i'll talk to him for you  
and we both know you don't want that.]

[From: Careful  
9:22 AM

yes i have his number.  
do you not remember daring him to call me?]

There was a small sound, but Alex didn't pay it any mind as he fired off another text to his RA, slightly annoyed at how unhelpful the man was being about the whole thing. Didn't Hercules understand that talking about things was hard? That it took time and patience and while Aaron had both of those things to spare, Alex had never thought virtue to be something that he did well. What he did know was how much he didn't want Herc to reach out to Burr, considering the way the two of them behaved about one another. Not to mention that Hercules always tinged those threats with the fact that he'd yell at Aaron for upsetting Alex and the last thing they needed right now was Burr thinking that he'd done something to hurt him. 

"If you glare at your phone any harder it's going to burst into flames,"

Aaron's voice was soft but close and Alex jerked his phone into his chest instinctively as he glared up at the man. The last time he'd checked Aaron had left to go take a shower and get ready, not standing over his shoulder as Alex curled up on the couch. It hadn't seemed like that long ago, but then again maybe it didn't take Aaron as long to shower since he didn't have to wash his hair. Alex tilted his head to the side curiously, staring at Aaron's head for a moment, distracted by the train of thought. He must have been staring for longer than he realized because the man coughed to get his attention, causing a flush to flare on his cheeks.

Still, Alex couldn't remember Aaron ever having hair, not really, and wasn't that weird? "Does your hair grow?"

Whatever it was that Aaron had expected him to say it hadn't been that and the man blinked at him, mouth opening and closing as he searched for an answer. "Yes?"

"How come I've never seen it then?" Perhaps that wasn't completely accurate, sometimes there was a small difference in texture, but it never seemed to amount to much.

Aaron chuckled before moving to walk around the couch and sit next to him, looking more relaxed than he had all morning. "I shave, Alex. Just like you."

The final phrase was said as Aaron reached across to scratch gently at Alex's jaw, where his stubble was starting to fill in, and he couldn't help but lean into the touch, pleased at the gentleness. "I've never seen you shave. Do you do it yourself?"

"I do," Aaron said, and for some reason, Alex wanted to see it.

Wanted to watch Aaron in the bathroom, running the razor over his head. Wanted to see what kind of faces the man made as he made sure his edges were done, maybe hold the mirror up so that Aaron could see the back of his head. To get to touch him right after it happened. Something about the fantasy, about the way Aaron's fingers were still making small motions against his chin now, that made him feel warm inside. A reprieve.

Maybe they could make this whole cabin in the woods thing work after all.

"Can I help next time?" 

Aaron watched him for a moment before nodding, the hand on his face finally moving to drop across the back of the couch and it might not have been an offer but Alex took it either way. He moved to fill the space, curling into Aaron's chest and grinning when an arm wrapped against him again. This. This was what going on vacation with Aaron was supposed to be like. 

They were supposed to curl up together in front of the fire and simply exist. Not talk about anything, not be sad about anything, they most definitely weren't supposed to flinch back from one another's touch. They were supposed to lay around together, and Alex was supposed to pretend he didn't want to kiss Aaron. Aaron was supposed to continue to be sweet and considerate and kind, and Alex was supposed to be a brat who ultimately did the right thing because he was so grateful. Maybe now they'd be able to fall back into that. They deserved this.

Alex had almost forgotten he'd asked a question at all when Aaron spoke again, "You won't even cut your own meat and you want me to trust you with my scalp?"

It was said in jest, and Alex titled to his head up to try and look at him, to see if maybe Aaron was feeling the same thing he was. Unfortunately, all he could see was the smooth expanse of neck and while it was a tempting vision in its own way- Aaron probably wouldn't appreciate what Alex wanted to do to it. If he'd been sitting a little higher up he might have considered leaning up to lick Aaron's cheek again, but instead he twisted again, curling into the warm body and removing the visual temptation.

"I'd be careful. I'd be really gentle," He murmured in response to Aaron's comment after a moment, "I'd never hurt you."

And wasn't it funny how much he sounded like Aaron with that phrase, and it seemed Aaron had caught it to because he got a small squeeze for his trouble. "Next time I shave my head I'll let you know."

"Promise?" 

Maybe it was silly to assign so much meaning to what seemed to be an innocent conversation, but Alex couldn't help it. The idea that Aaron might actually trust him enough to let him touch him like that, especially when he'd initially only meant to play a secondary role. To have the towel or oil or weird little brushy things that hairdressers used to knock off hair- if Aaron even needed one of those. 

"Promise."

Hercules was right, they needed to talk eventually, but for now... for now this was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess whose back  
> back again


	54. Chapter 54

Alexander's ability to flip from one emotion to another with no reserve would never not be amazing to him, but Aaron was grateful that this time it'd played out in their favor. After the disastrous breakfast incident (and really? What was it with them and not being able to go through breakfast without some sort of misstep.) he'd taken a shower to try and collect himself before they went for round two. If counting was going to fail him, the warm spray of the shower would have to serve as a close second and he'd been grateful for what it did to ease his mood, especially once he'd entered the living room to find Alex brooding over his phone.

And yet... there had been no round two, no fighting, not even a tense conversation about John Laurens or homophobic locals because Alex had suddenly become fascinated by his hair, or rather the lack of it. The man had to have come in contact with other men who kept a close shave before though perhaps he'd never actually been close enough with one to actually pay attention. Alex had asked if he could help, in that precious adorable way that only Alex could pull off, and despite having done his own hair for years- Aaron had agreed.

They'd spent the rest of the morning curled on the couch together, idly talking about nothing in particular. He'd even shared a few more stories about his childhood visits to the area, about the way the leaves changed in the fall and how beautiful the area could be when covered in snow. Aaron didn't ask if Alex had ever been anywhere on vacation, didn't venture into mostly unmarked territory, semi-conscious that the other man might not have had any happy memories from childhood. For someone who was as open and talked as much as Alex, it certainly seemed to imply so that other than the single 'my mother's dead' snark- there'd been silence on his youth entirely.

Instead, when Alex did speak, it was about this place, about where they were, about how it differed from the mountains closer to the college. Aaron answered the questions that he could and made a quiet promise to himself that they'd go there soon. Perhaps on a three day weekend or at the start of the summer. It was probably too soon to start planning that far in advance, especially considering he had no idea what Alex's plans were once school let out, but it was a nice idea none the less. 

Eventually, they were roused from their comfort by the rumbling of Alex's stomach, who flushed and ducked his head. "Sorry about that."

"No," Aaron reassured him, rubbing his back, "I didn't eat much this morning either. Do you want to go out for lunch?"

The look on Alex's face said it all, even if the man didn't appear willing to say it out loud.

Aaron couldn't really blame him either, not after how lunch had gone yesterday. "How about this- we'll go and pick up something from the grocery store or a sandwich shop if we can find one and then come back here?"

"Comfy tho," Alex whined though he did extract himself off the couch, stretching before extending a hand to help Aaron get up as well.

There was a brief struggle over the other man going to get changed, but when Alex finally reappeared in the living room it was wearing a pair of jeans and one of Burr's hoodie, something that Aaron might have commented on if he wasn't aware just how unprepared for the cold Alex had been. After double checking that he had his wallet and keys, he followed the man out to the car.

A right turn out of the drive way and a few miles down the road brought them to a small gas station and Aaron couldn't resist stopping at. Alex gave him a strange look, but got out of the car without much fuss and seemed to understand once they'd gotten through the door. It was one of the old-timey stores, and while it was nowhere near as big as the candy shop from yesterday, there was a wall of homemade goodies and the center of the shop was filled with baskets of nuts and vegetables which Alexander poked at curiously under the watchful gaze of the shopkeep. Once she'd decided that they weren't up to anything, her gaze softened, especially when Alex held up a bag of peanut brittle and looked at Burr.

Aaron paused for a moment, before nodding and taking the bag out of Alex's hands. "Do you want to go and grab a few sodas for us out of the cooler? If they've got orange cream, that's what I'd like. If not a ginger ale will do."

Once the two glass bottles of soda had been placed on the counter, as well as the bag of brittle, Aaron paid and thanked the woman for her time, laughing slightly when she wished them a good day. Alex gave him a strange look, but managed to stay quiet until they'd gotten into the car.

Of course, that only lasted so long as it took for him to get buckled in. "You're weirdly cheerful when you talk to people down here."

"When in Rome." Aaron responded as he cranked the car and tried to figure out which direction to go in to find lunch. Perhaps he should have stopped long enough to ask woman in the shop, but it'd probably seem strange to go back in now, they'd just have to make do.

Alex made a strange noise next to him. "What does that even mean, Mr. Cryptic?"

"It means," Aaron said, taking a left on a whim, "that when in Rome you do as the Romans. We're in the south, they're much more expressive here than upstate. You can get away with being you, but if I were to act the way I do normally, it'd be considered rude. I'd rather not risk offense."

"Is that why you were flirting with the waitress yesterday?" Alex asked after a moment.

Flirting with the waitress? Alex had to be referring to lunch and yet Aaron couldn't recall for a moment what he might have done to deserve that accusation. "I wasn't flirting. Is that why you left? I thought someone had upset you or that you were feeling self-conscious after our talk before we went in."

Alex puffed up his cheeks and Aaron held up a hand when the other man went to get out of the car. "No, we need to talk about this, and that'll be easier in the safety of the car."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. The South can't know I'm gay," Alex muttered, "But somehow the South is much more polite than the rest of the country. I just... yeah. Got a little self-conscious is all. Can we go now? I'm hungry."

"Self-conscious because you thought I was flirting with the waitress?" Aaron didn't want to pick a fight, but they really did need to talk about whatever it was that had put Alex off yesterday. Especially if they might end up going out to eat again. As much as Aaron didn't want to upset the locals, the last thing he wanted was to upset Alex again either.

Alex's fingers were tense on the door handle and Aaron tried to prepare himself for whatever it was the man was about to say. "Virginia."

"Virginia?" That wasn't an answer-" Okay. I understand. I'm sorry. Do you want to stay in the car and I go out and get lunch?"

There was a nod, but Alex still hadn't turned to look at him and Aaron sighed. "Alright. It'll probably take me a few minutes. Things down here aren't known for their speed. Do you know what you want?"

Alex gave his order and Aaron left to go into the shop, sending a final worried glance Alex's way before entering.


	55. Chapter 55

The jar was calling to him.

It might as well have been on a pedestal in the middle of the gas station with a spotlight directly on it and a chorus of angels singing 'Alex'. Sure, Aaron would never approve, but facts were facts and Aaron didn't approve of a lot of things he did. His thoughts were swirling and sometimes it helped just to know that it was an option, to know that he could do something stupid. With a final glance to make sure that Aaron hadn't somehow gotten to the car before him, Alex picked up the jar and walked up to the counter, paying with the little money that he had in his wallet, trying not to think about how disappointed Aaron would be to know what he was using it for. The man behind the cash register barely paid him any mind, ringing him up without bothering to card and he stuck his newest possession in the pocket of Aaron's hoodie and left before the attendant thought twice about seeing his ID.

Ten minutes later Aaron finally climbed back in the car, carrying a large brown bag that he set in the back seat before apologizing, "Sorry about that taking so long. I figured it'd take a while, but it always surprises me just how long it can be."

"It's fine," Alex lied, smile not quite reaching his eyes, "Can we go back to the cabin now?"

And of course, Aaron caught it because Aaron had the obnoxious habit of catching everything. "Of course. I am sorry, you know, about pushing things before."

Alex didn't want to talk about before. Alex didn't want to talk at all, he wanted to get back to the cabin and maybe back to their room, alone. So that he could stare at the jar, at the way the amber liquid glinted in the soft light, so that he could weigh it in his hands the way he'd wanted to do so badly back at the gas station. But back then he had to be worried about coming off strange and now he had to worry about Aaron's judgment. 

Not that Aaron got to tell him what to do. No matter what the man thought. He couldn't just tell Alex to be a good boy and expect him to behave, he wasn't Alex's keeper.

"Alex," Aaron's voice cut through the thought process a moment before Aaron's hand settled on top of his, "We're back at the cabin. Do you want to eat at the table or on the couch?"

Except he was. In so many ways Aaron had been the weight that kept Alex anchored and as much as Alex wanted to feel resentful, he couldn't help himself from falling into place. "Couch."

Aaron nodded before grabbing the bag from the back seat and heading inside and Alex took a second to steady himself before following, disappearing into the bedroom to hide the jar in his bag before Aaron noticed the odd lump. He stopped in the bathroom to wash his hands before heading back into the living room, feeling fond despite himself at the fact that Aaron had dragged the coffee table closer to the couch so that he could put their lunch there.

Alex sat down tentatively at first, but when Aaron wrapped a hesitant arm around his shoulder, he allowed himself to be pulled into Aaron's chest. It was nothing compared to their easy cuddling that morning, the silence didn't feel comfortable, but it was something. Aaron still smelled clean from his morning shower and his body was just as warm as it always was, and damn it, Alex didn't want to cry, that was not the feeling bubbling up in his chest.

"You know, part of the point of getting food was how hungry you were."

Alex might have snarked, but Aaron was leaning forward, arm carefully cradling Alex so that he didn't fall off the couch and then there was a sandwich being held in front of him. A part of him, the same one that delighted in calling Aaron Daddy just to see what he would do, was tempted to tilt his head and bite it. To see if Aaron would willingly hold his sandwich as he ate it, but instead, he reached up to take it, eating quietly instead of responding to the unspoken question in Aaron's voice. 

Even when all the food was gone they stayed like that, until it was too much and Alex rolled off of him. "I'm going to go lay down."

"Do you want company?" Aaron asked, and Alex shook his head in response before making his way down the hall.

The jar was just as heavy as he'd expected it to be. A solid weight in his hands and he tossed it gently from palm to palm, trying to convince himself not to open it. It would have a nice cinnamon smell most likely, sharp but lovely, but he knew once it was opened it'd be too tempting to actually drink it. Alex had never had moonshine before, though he knew it was strong- at least the real stuff was. It didn't seem likely that whatever this was was real, considering it could be bought in a gas station and wasn't that against the entire idea of shine?

But who was he to second guess alcohol being presented to him with a ribbon around its neck?

Alex wasn't sure how long he sat there on the edge of the bed, staring at it, arguing with himself over all the reasons why it was a terrible idea to go forward and drink it. All the reasons why it was a waste of money to have bought it and not. The quiet voice in the back of his head reminding him how much better it was when he couldn't think straight. He'd almost convinced himself to put it down when a noise from the doorway got his attention, and Alex groaned because Aaron was looking at him.

Just looking, not scowling, not judging, just looking. "We should talk."

Again, that was the last thing Alex wanted to do, was definitely something they needed to do- though at this point he wasn't even sure about what. Instead, he lifted the jar up meaningfully. "Question for question?"

The look that Aaron was giving him was unreadable, but the day must have worn on him as well because after a long moment he nodded. "If we're going to do this, I'd prefer the living room."

Aaron probably hadn't mean to leave him the opening, but for the first time since they'd gotten out of the car, Alex smiled easily, brushing past Aaron on his way to the living room. "That's alright, Daddy. We wouldn't want to get too comfortable, would we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you mean you've never bought moonshine from a gas station before?
> 
> ( ~~I've never bought moonshine from a gas station before...~~ that's a lie. that's a dirty, dirty lie but you don't get to Judge Me.)


	56. Chapter 56

It was a terrible idea.

It was a terrible idea and still Aaron couldn't stop himself from agreeing. It was only alcohol, after all, and to his knowledge, Alex had never had a problem with it beyond his overall habit of using anything possible to escape from himself. They needed to talk, and the idea of a drink was too good to pass up considering the tension and maybe, just maybe, alcohol would mean that they could be honest with one another.

Alex sat the jar down in the middle of the kitchen table and collected a pair of small kitchen cups as Aaron watched him. While he'd said living room originally, this probably worked better in the end, them sitting in their own chairs rather than on the couch. While he'd never seen Alex drunk, he did know what Alex was like coming down from drugs or even just normally and the last thing he needed was to be put in a position of trying to defend his virtue from a drunk man.

"So," Aaron looked up when Alex spoke suddenly, "Are we drinking with each question or are we drinking when we won't answer a question?"

"For non-answers," Aaron said, staring at the kitchen cup he'd been handed, "and only half of this thing. This is bigger than a shot glass."

Alex looked like he was going to argue for a moment but then he nodded. "Okay. So where do we start?"

"What's your favorite color?" Because small was probably a better place to start than 'why did you think I was flirting with the waitress?'

Except Alex drank instead of answering, and only shrugged at Aaron's exasperated look. "You'll have to ask something you actually want to know."

Aaron thought about arguing that he did care, but Alex spoke again before he could find the words, "I'll go easy on you. How many people have you kissed?"

Easy. "Nine."

There was a look of surprise on Alex's face though Aaron had no way of knowing whether his number was lower or higher than the other man had expected it to be. It wasn't as if they'd spent much time discussing any of Aaron's previous dalliances though he had a feeling that wouldn't be true after tonight. Not if this was where Alexander was starting. No, the hard part was going to be coming up with questions that wouldn't push Alex too far but that Alex would still believe he wanted to know.

Finally, he settled on something, finger tracing the rim of his cup. "Do you have any summer plans?"

The fact that Alex didn't even make a move to grab his drink again relieved Aaron more than it should have. "I hadn't thought that far ahead. A... friend did offer that I could stay with him if I had nowhere else to go."

No need to ask who that friend was, Alex wasn't avoiding that detail out of self-preservation but out of respect for Aaron and he allowed himself a small smile at the token gesture. If Alex wanted to stay with Lafayette, it wasn't as if he was going to deny him, and considering the offer Aaron was all the more proud of the man for answering instead of drinking to cover his discomfort.

"Of the nine, how many were guys?" Alex asked curiously.

Aaron went over the list in his head. "Three. Three men. Would you be more interested in staying near campus over summer break or traveling elsewhere?"

Alex drank, shrugging again at Aaron's look. "Money makes me anxious," was his verbal response and then, "What are your thoughts on rimming?"

Of course, Alex would get uncomfortable and fire back with that, but if he was trying to make Aaron drink- well, he'd have to try a lot harder. "If my partner is into it- I'm willing. Does it bother you when I call you pet names?"

A small sound and Aaron almost expected Alex to reach for the jar to refill his cup, but the man shook his head. "Would you rather be tied up or tie someone up during sex?"

"I should say something about loaded questions since that assumes I'm into bondage either way- but I'd rather be doing the tying," and wasn't the flush on Alex's cheeks interesting there, "Outside of sex- is there something you wish I did more of?"

"Right now I'd like it if you were drinking," Alex huffed, "we should have been doing a drink with every question instead."

Aaron shrugged, unwilling to point out that wasn't actually an answer considering Alex was more than willing to drink himself. "Ask your question, Alex."

"I'd ask if you're usually a top or bottom but considering your rope kink over there and how much you like calling me your good boy, I think we can both guess that." 

Aaron most definitely didn't have a rope kink, and Alex was the one who said he wanted to be praised but pointing out either seemed futile. 

Alex chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before finally asking, "What would it take for me to get you to drink?" 

"You'd have to find something that I'd feel too uncomfortable to answer." 

It took three more rounds of questions for Alex to finally manage one, and really, he should have said something about loaded questions not being allowed before because Alex asking if he'd rather come down his throat or inside his ass was taking things a bit too far. Aaron had even tried to get around it by saying neither, only for Alex to counter that that counted as a non-answer and either Aaron should think the question over a little longer or drink up.

The taste was strong, and Aaron did his best to not cringe before asking his own question, an innocent one about Alex's favorite memory. Alex had responded with watching the man make fudge at the candy shop and Aaron almost reclarified that he meant in general- not of the trip. But the idea that it might actually be Alex's best memory so far made his chest hurt.

Aaron's second drink came soon after, as did his third and forth because once Alex realized that while Aaron had no problem answering general sex preference questions- that he did consider saying what he'd rather do to Alex off limits- that was all he asked. 

After drinking to avoid answering what he'd prefer Alex called him in bed, Aaron almost considered saying Virginia himself. He'd agreed to the game so that they could talk about things, but Alex had managed to avoid anything particularly intimate on his own end and seemed to get a kick out of making Aaron drink for the sake of it. Not that Aaron shouldn't have expected that, Alex was always trying to push his buttons and sex was just his favorite way to get there.

Alex answered a question about his favorite way for partners to smell was and Aaron braced himself for 'would you rather I lick your asshole or your dick' or another question about positions. 

What he got instead was a quiet, "How long does it take you to sleep with someone you're dating, anyway?"

That wasn't as easy to answer as Alex probably thought it was. After all, did the girls in high school count? The ones that he hadn't even intended on dating? Where they'd been together for months before his girlfriend would get aggravated with his lack of action and would take his hand and press it against their most intimate of places. And did one night stands not count because Alex had said dating? Aaron hadn't really dated enough people seriously to give an informed answer on that, but he also didn't feel like drinking again. 

"I suppose," Aaron began, "if I'm actually dating someone it takes quite a few dates. I don't typically fall in bed that quickly."

There was a small noise, and Aaron stopped himself short of asking his next question because Alex's head was tucked into his chest suddenly. "Alex- What just happened?"

Alex took a drink and then buried his face in his arms on the table.

Aaron pushed himself up from the table, trying to ignore how unsteady he felt on his feet as he took the handful of steps and carefully kneeled next to the other man. "I thought the whole point of drinking was so that you could talk. Why are you upset, Alex?"

Another distressed noise and Aaron mentally cursed letting Alex drink so much, reaching over to gently rub circles on his back. There was a muffled voice, and Aaron sighed. "Sweetie, you're going to have to lift your head if you want me to understand what you're saying."

"I just thought," at least his face wasn't tear streaked as Aaron had briefly worried, "I don't know what I thought."

Aaron wasn't following. "Thought about what?"

"I thought you said you liked me," was the final response he got before Alex went back to burying his face in his arms.


	57. Chapter 57

Actually.

It wasn't as if he was being told something he didn't already know, and maybe if he hadn't of taken the last few shots it wouldn't have hurt so much to hear it out loud but he had. He had taken those last shots, he had asked a question he knew he didn't want the answer to, and look at where it got him. Trying to bite back tears as the alcohol simultaneously made everything feel so far away and all of his emotions so loud.

"Sweetie," Aaron was still rubbing his back, and that just made Alex feel worse. Because the last thing he wanted was pity. "Come on, can we go to the couch?"

Because of course Aaron would react to him drunkenly confessing that he'd thought Aaron liked him with 'lets cuddle' because Aaron was so ridiculously understanding about everything. If he was a normal guy he'd pull back and not want to keep touching Alex, if he was a normal guy he would have never bothered to help Alex in the first place and really, it was just so frustrating. Because it meant he couldn't even be upset with Aaron for not returning his feelings.

Alex made one last weak grab for the jar of moonshine as Aaron pulled him to his feet, whining when the other man gripped his wrist to stop him. It really wasn't fair. If he was going to be forced to lay on the couch with Burr after being shot down like that, the least Burr could do was let him finish off the glass. But Aaron just kept guiding him toward the living room and after a few missteps, they managed to land on the couch. He went to pull off slightly, at least so that they were sitting up, but Aaron just wrapped an arm around his waist to hold him there.

Not fair.

There were fingers in his hair, but for once Alex didn't tug away or lean into the touch, just stayed as still as possible to show his discomfort. "We need to talk about this."

"No. We don't," he muttered, and then, just in case Aaron hadn't understood him, "We really don't. There's nothing to talk about. I just... assumed and you know what they say about assuming."

Assumed that Aaron saying he liked him meant something, even if he'd known at the time it could have been an innocent statement. But Alex hadn't wanted it to be innocent, hadn't wanted Aaron to mean 'I like you as a person' or 'as a friend', and because of that, he'd allowed himself to believe the wrong thing.

"I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong," Aaron said, still stroking his hair as if this was normal- as if it were okay.

It wasn't okay, but Aaron couldn't fix it, either. "You can't fix it. I can't make you like me."

The hand on his hair paused. "Run that by me again."

"I can't make you like me," Alex repeated petulantly, veins thrumming with both the urge to bury his face in Aaron's chest and to roll off completely.

He'd almost made the decision to attempt rolling again when Aaron spoke, "What does me not sleeping with people often have to do with liking you?"

"Nothing." Alex snapped, "I just.. everything has been so nice and the trip and everything else I just didn't expect to be reminded that we aren't actually dating."

Fuck, his voice cracked on the word actually and here he was trapped against Aaron with an arm refusing to let him run away. And to make things worse either Aaron was purposely playing obtuse or the alcohol had gone to his head because the man sounded so confused when he repeated Alex's name like a question. And what was he supposed to say to that? In for a penny, in for a pound, maybe if he said everything Aaron would finally let him get up and go.

"When you said you liked me too, I just... I thought that it meant you really liked me and that the reason you kept turning me down was because you didn't want to hurt me, not because you didn't want me." No, talking about it wasn't making him feel any better, but once he'd started it seemed hard to stop. "But who would want me? I'm only good for sex and you don't want that and I can't blame you... I just don't understand why you keep me around. It's not like I'm good company. I'm a brat who won't stop calling you daddy and I'm needy and ridiculous and I don't understand why you haven't left me yet."

"You are a needy brat," Aaron agreed, tightening his hold on Alex again when he went to move, "But I wouldn't say that you're bad company."

The statement made him stop fighting, but it didn't exactly address most of what he'd said. 

"As for actually dating," he sounded so tired, and Alex cringed at the fact that it was his fault Aaron felt that way, "I think that hits up there pretty high on the list of things we should probably talk about, don't you think?"

"Don't tease me. I'm a big boy, I can handle it when someone doesn't like me."

There was a long-suffering sigh before Aaron spoke again. "Who said anything about not liking you?"

Alex didn't say anything, knew he'd be embarrassed by the high pitch whine he made if he wasn't drunk, but right then it was the best he could manage. 

"Alex, do you want to actually be dating?" Aaron said, voice careful and patient even as Alex nodded into his chest rather than speaking. "Then we're actually dating."

That seemed too easy. "Does that mean we can kiss now?" 

The chest under him rumbled with concealed laughter and Alex pouted at the feeling of lips being pressed against the top of his head. 


	58. Chapter 58

"What do you mean no?"

Less than twenty-four hours into their official relationship and they were already arguing, and Aaron might have been exasperated if Alex didn't look so ridiculously cute. Typically Aaron did his best to not trivialize his partner's emotions, had strived in his relationships with women to never be that guy- the one who dismissed anger because of the form it took. If he actually thought Alex was angry he might have had an easier time with that distinction, but the crossed arms and pouty face reeked more of petulance than actual anger.

Aaron busied himself putting out lunch rather as he tried to come up with an answer that Alex would accept. "I just..."

"I swear to god," Alex interrupted him, "If you're about to say that you don't want to hurt me, I'm going to scream."

Once the plates and food were on the table, he took a step toward Alex, reaching up to scratch under the man's chin as he leaned in to speak directly into Alex's ear, "Maybe I just think some things are worth waiting for."

The statement was punctuated with a small kiss on Alex's cheek before he removed himself entirely to sit back at the table. It took Alex a few moments to follow, glaring at Aaron once he actually sat down. "You know that wasn't fair."

"It's not fair of you to start this trip with 'I don't want you to do anything you don't want to' and just a few days later whine about me not touching you more," Aaron responded, taking a bite of his sandwich.

When Alex cringed, Aaron backpedaled slightly. "I know you aren't trying to coerce me. If I promise you that it's an eventually- not an 'it might happen'- will that help?"

Alex chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before nodding. "I understand... the other, but I still don't get why you won't let me kiss you. I can be a good boy, I'd be happy with just that."

Aaron didn't doubt for a second that Alex could be, and he tucked away a vague thought about the warm feeling in his chest regarding that thought. Some things weren't meant to be analyzed at lunch, and Alex seemed to already be at his limit for difficult conversations.

"It's not you I don't trust. It's myself." Aaron finally said, "Please eat."

It had been a preemptive statement, trying to cut off a second argument but Alex seemed more pleased than frustrated with his previous words. Alex settled in to eat his sandwich and Aaron took the moment to appreciate the quiet. He'd woken up early that morning to a pounding headache, a sleeping Alex curled around him on the couch, and absolutely nothing in the cabin to ease the ache and it'd taken him far longer than he would like to admit to extract himself from the warmth. Briefly, he'd considered waking up Alex before running to the store, but had settled for writing a note letting Alex know where he was going.

Thankfully it hadn't been necessary in the end, and he'd been able to wake up Alex with a glass of cool water, some aleve and the promise of food, rather than with the fear of realizing that Aaron wasn't there. Note or not that probably wouldn't have gone over well considering last night's conversation.

"You know," Alex said as soon as he'd finished his sandwich, standing up to take his plate to the sink, "while I'm still not happy about being denied- I rather like that idea."

Aaron wasn't following, not that that was anything new. "What idea?"

"That you won't kiss me because you're afraid you can't control yourself. I'm just that irresistible." There was a hint of pride in Alex's voice and Aaron smiled fondly at his boyfriend's antics. 

"You just like the idea of me being out of my depth." It was a teasing complaint, lightened by the fact that he moved his chair back to accommodate Alex when the other man decided that Aaron's lap was his new seat.

Tanned arms looped themselves around his neck, but Alex surprised him by not immediately curling in as he so often did, instead using the position to stare directly into his eyes, expression curious. "So, I'm not allowed to kiss you, but you kissed my cheek earlier. Is this one of those 'do as I say, not as I do' things?"

Aaron had also kissed Alex's forehead last night, but that probably wasn't the thing to bring up right now. "I'd say that there's a difference between trying to stick your tongue down my throat and an innocent kiss on the cheek."

"Is that so?" Alex asked, and when Aaron nodded, he pressed a kiss against the middle of his cheek. 

The first one was innocent, a small gesture that made Aaron smile until that cheek kiss turned into a series of small kisses along his jaw line. Aaron knew that he was supposed to say no, to clarify that there was a difference, but was there really? He'd been the one breathing in Alex's ear, telling him to wait for it, could he really complain when the other man teased him in return. It wasn't until kissing along his face turned into Alex tilting so that he could press an open mouth kiss just beneath his ear that Aaron pulled back, doing his best to look chiding in response to Alex's pout.

"Too far?" How Alex could manage to sound so innocent, Aaron wasn't sure.

Aaron responded by nuzzling the crook of Alex's neck, taking advantage of their position to rest his head on Alex's shoulder the way the man so often did to him. "I promise to make it worth your wait, I just need you to be patient a little longer. Can you do that for me?"

Alex rested his cheek against the top of Aaron's head before speaking, "So long as you don't keep me waiting too long, okay?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have??? officially ??? been writing this story for an entire month now and it's just grown so much and I am so proud of my tiny precious children.
> 
> If you'd have told me six months ago that I would write a piece of fanfiction about the founding fathers- I would have looked at you in confusion, and the shrugged because ... plausible if slightly confusing considering I didn't realize Hamilton was a thing.
> 
> If you'd have told me six months ago that I would write a piece of fanfiction in which it would take around 70k+ for them to actually kiss, I would have looked at you like you were crazy- and yet here we are.


	59. Chapter 59

At this point, he wasn't going to be convinced that Aaron didn't have a thing about blindfolds.

Not that Aaron had actually admitted to having a thing for anything in particular. No, even when answering questions he'd carefully sidestepped most things with either a direct 'I wouldn't be in that situation' or 'If my partner enjoys it.' And when Alex had asked what he'd like to do to him, Aaron had chosen to drink. Maybe his first try on that type of question had been a little much, but was it really that hard to clarify whether he'd like to fuck Alex doggy style or in missionary? These were the sorts of things that Alex liked to know.

Alex reached up to adjust the scarf on his face, huffing when Aaron immediately chided him. "I wasn't taking it off. When are we going to beeeeee there?"

"It's been all of five minutes," Aaron said, "And not that long. I thought you said you liked surprises?"

"I do," Alex responded after a moment, and then because he had no interest in behaving for much longer, "Almost as much as you like blindfolds."

Aaron didn't say anything, silence stretching out for so long that Alex almost apologized. "Is that really the way you're going to behave today?"

Oh, that voice- and on anyone else but Aaron, Alex would have taken it as an offer. Would have responded with a comment about just how well behaved he could be, but Aaron wouldn't even kiss him yet, despite insisting that it was coming soon, that it was no longer a maybe but a definite. And his lack of interest in making things easy for Aaron didn't go so far as to continue pressing that particular issue, not when the man had reassured him so recently.

Actually, fuck it, Aaron couldn't use that voice and expect him not to respond in kind. "That depends. What do I get if I'm a Good Boy for you?"

The feeling of motion ended, and for a bizarre moment, he almost thought that Aaron had simply stopped in the middle of the road, rather than having parked. Wherever they were really hadn't been that far away after all. Again, Alex reached up to remove the blindfold, and this time, a hand around his wrist stopped him.

"If I say I have a thing for blindfolds, will you leave it on a little longer?" Alex blinked behind the fabric before nodding, trying not to flush at the pleased tone of Aaron's next words, "Good boy. I'm going to leave now- okay? But I'll be back in less than five minutes, I promise."

Wait- Alex hadn't consented to being left in the car, but Aaron was already gone before the thought hit him formed enough to be put into words. It was one thing to agree to be left without his sight when Aaron was right there, where he could rely on Aaron to see what he couldn't and take care of him, another thing entirely to be left vulnerable with no idea of where they even were. He reached up to remove the blasted thing, only to stop, chewing on his bottom lip as he tried to keep his anxiety levels in check.

Aaron wouldn't leave him out in the open, not if they weren't somewhere safe. Not as careful as the man was about everything else, not considering how he'd been the one to ask Alex to behave so that the locals wouldn't suspect.

Crisp air greeted him when the car door opened suddenly, and Alex stayed still as Aaron undid his seat belt, following the hands easily when they helped him out of the car, only to curl himself around the man as soon as he could. Aaron gave a small surprised chuckle, rubbing his back soothingly.

"Easy there, easy. We haven't even gotten to your surprise yet." When Alex didn't let him go, Aaron spoke again, "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Alex nuzzled the chest he was leaning against, doing his best to not displace the blindfold in the process."Not allowed to leave me."

There's a catch in Aaron's breath, something Alex wouldn't have usually noticed if it weren't for how close he was to the man, but before he could ask about it, Aaron was talking again, "I won't leave you. We have just a little further, okay? Can I wrap my arm around your waist and walk you that way?"

It'd be easier to take the blindfold off, especially considering how uneven his feet felt on the ground but Alex nodded instead of arguing. The body holding his shifted, and Alex allowed himself to be led, stopping only when Aaron did. There was a strange rushing sound, but all he could focus on was the sensation of Aaron's fingers, one hand cradling the side of his face- the other somewhere behind his head.

"I'm going to take this off now, Okay?" Alex didn't nod, but then again it didn't seem expected of him because those same hands were already at work, pushing and pulling the scarf off of his face, thumb gently rubbing circles along Alex's cheek. "Thank you so much, for giving me that."

Somewhere, off in the distance, was a spare thought that the blindfold was off and he should be looking around, should actually see what was so important that he needed to see it all at once,  but he couldn't move away, not with Aaron touching him so gently.

"For giving you what?" He managed to ask, unsure of what the gratitude was for.

Aaron leaning in to place a kiss on the side of his cheek was entirely unfair, given everything else. "Your trust."

"Anytime." He didn't trust himself to return the gesture, instead leaning in to hug the other man again, making a low sound of pleasure in his throat when Aaron accommodated him easily.

The arms around him gave him a tight squeeze. "We should probably talk about that."

"About me trusting you?" That seemed strange, considering Aaron had seemed to want his trust all along, it also didn't seem to rank up there in the list of things people needed to talk about.

"About you doing things that scare you because you want to please me." Oh. Aaron pulled back again, looking awkward and out of place. "Not that I'm not appreciative- because I am. Perhaps... more than I should be...  But we should probably..."

Talk about it. 

Alex glanced around instead of answering, for the first time actually seeing what he'd been brought out here for- grinning in delight when he noticed the blanket and picnic basket on the ground. It didn't look to be the most comfortable of places, but Alex would make do, especially considering the amazing view of the river that they had from their little rock. 

"Aaron Burr, you hopeless romantic you."

"Alex-" Aaron tried again, though he did seem a little less awkward with the acknowledgement of what he'd done.

But Alex really didn't want to hear what he had to say, not, at least, if it was on the same train as his previous statement. "You can feel guilty later about how much you like me being a good boy. Right now, I just want to relish in my reward for being so- if you don't mind?"

 


	60. Chapter 60

Part of him wanted to argue that it wasn't actually warm enough to be shedding clothes, but Aaron couldn't help but appreciate the sight of Alex's torso as he pulled off Aaron's hoodie and his own tank top off, folding them to make a makeshift pillow for his head as he laid back on the picnic blanket. The fact that the skin there was blemish free again, and that there was even the slightest of pudge- a sign that Alex really had been eating better- kept him from making a comment about the chill. There was a small sound, and Aaron glanced up to catch Alex waggling his eyebrows, apparently pleased to have caught Aaron staring. He considered explaining himself for a moment but instead held up his hands sheepishly. Let Alex think it was something it wasn't. He didn't mind, and if it helped his boyfriend feel less insecure about their relationship, all the better.

"So," Alex said, stretching slightly, "Do you have a thing about blindfolds? I think that's something I should get to know."

"Didn't we just cover that?" Aaron responded, leaning back on his hands, refusing to match Alex's shameless display but also wanting to be comfortable.

Alex shook his head. "One, you didn't actually say it. Two, offering to say something so that I'd come up here isn't the same thing as you actually having a thing."

Aaron hummed, searching for the best way to phrase what he was going to say. "They have their uses."

"That's not an answer and you know it," Alex huffed, "We're dating now. Really Dating. Why can't I know what gets you off?"

It had absolutely been an answer, and it was as much of one as Aaron felt like giving. If Alex wanted to take the blindfold thing as sexual, Aaron had no problem with that, it just wasn't what had been driving him. Was it really so wrong of him to want to surprise Alex? To truly surprise him, not have him guess too soon, or figure it out along the way. To enjoy the delight on Alex's face at each new place? To take pleasure in the gratitude that Alex gave him in return and to have actually done something worth it for once?

But Alex would no doubt get defensive about that, potentially depriving him in the future of those small moments where Alex was overwhelmed by kindness enough to stop thinking about what he had to trade for it.

"Is this something you do with all your partners? Ask all the things that they enjoy rather than allow them to come up more organically?"

Alex twisting, rolling until he could place his head on Aaron's thigh. "I'd be happy to find them with a more... hands on approach. But something tells me you wouldn't be happy with me if I put a paddle on the couch one day and placed myself over your lap."

"I'm not hitting you," Aaron said, perhaps a little too quickly considering how much he'd danced around any other sexual topic, "Really Dating or not- I'm not hitting you."

Something that might have been an apology crossed Alex's face, and then the man was nuzzling his nose against Aaron's stomach. Despite the placement, the strange innocence of the motion made him calm down, reaching up with one hand to stroke black locks.

Eventually, Alex went back to laying down and Aaron shifted so that he was supporting himself on both hands again. "I suppose there's no point in telling you that spanking isn't the same thing as hitting."

"I don't want to hurt you." Aaron found himself saying for what had to be the thousandth time since they'd met.

"We have a conversational safe word, we could have one in bed too," and then, most likely due to the look Aaron was giving him, "But I understand. I enjoy that kind of stuff, ya know, but I don't want you to do anything that you aren't personally into."

This really wasn't the conversation that Aaron wanted to have, especially not with a half naked Alex curled up with his head on his lap. "I enjoy pleasuring my partner, but I do have some limits."

"Are you willing to pleasure your boyfriend by cuddling with him right now?"

Aaron would have argued that they'd already been cuddling, but he was too busy appreciating the fact that Alex wasn't pushing the conversation further into sexual territory. He nudged the man's shoulder to get him to sit up before snatching the makeshift pillow from its place at the other end of the picnic blanket. Laying down on a giant rock wasn't exactly his idea of super comfortable, but the contented sound that Alex made when he was finally able to curl up with his head on his chest was well worth it, even if he was uncomfortably conscious of the space his hand occupied on Alex's stomach.

"You realize that you're ridiculous, right?" Aaron murmured, leaning his head up to press a kiss on the top of Alex's head because he wouldn't stop rubbing his cheek against the fabric of Aaron's shirt.

"I'm not the one who won't kiss their boyfriend on the mouth and pretends like I don't have a dick," Alex retorted, "and if my boyfriend is so determined to hold out on me- can I really be blamed for taking my pleasure where I can?"

"I've never denied-" Aaron huffed, cutting himself off rather than continuing that statement, "Do you have to be such a brat? Being patient has never killed anyone."

He felt rather than saw Alex's grin, and it really didn't give him enough time to prepare for Alex's line of thought. "Would you rather I be a Good Boy, instead Aaron?"

Aaron. Not 'Daddy' or 'Sir' or any of the titles that Alex liked to use when joking, and damn if that didn't make it worse.

"Of course, you wanted to talk about that earlier, didn't you? Would you like to talk about that now, Aaron? About what it means to you when I'm on my best behavior?"

Alex's chin was digging into this chest, a sure sign that the man was looking up at him, but Aaron kept his eyes up at the sky, pondering if it was possible to go back in time and kick himself before he said that. They did need to talk about it, but specifically, they needed to talk about making sure Alex didn't do anything he didn't want to do just because he thought Aaron would be pleased with him. And a way for Aaron to know when he was beginning to stretch Alex's limits, because he'd been blindsided by the fact that Alex had gotten upset over being left alone- even though that should have been completely obvious, with what he knew about the other man.

"You don't have to be ashamed of it, you know?" Alex was talking, apparently unwilling to let the quiet settle around them as Aaron tried to figure out something to say. "I've already told you that I like being your good boy. I mean, I will admit to finding it surprising that you have neither a Daddy thing or an interest in spanking me all things considered- but different strokes for different folks. We can always find another way to punish me for my bad behavior- and don't try and act like you aren't interested in that Mister I'm Going To Get All Toppy Over Blindfolds- Also Making You Eat. Maybe we could-"

Oh god, Alex was really going to go there, wasn't he. "Virginia, Alex. Virginia."

Surprised laughter filled the air. "Alright, we can talk about that later. For now I'm content to lay here."


	61. Chapter 61

Aaron was packing the car and Alex? Well Alex was laying on the couch, cheeks puffed out as he pretended that they weren't on their way back to the University. That spring break wasn't actually over and he wasn't in for another bazillion hour long road trip. Except this time, there would be no promise of something nice on the other side, just more papers to write, classes to show up to, people to deal with. None of which sounded tempting, considering he'd just spent a week with Aaron's attention on him constantly. Now Aaron would have his own classes to attend, his own things to do, and Alex would have to find something to do with himself when he was alone again.

"You could help, you know?" Aaron was leaning over the edge of the back of the couch, looking far too amused to actually be upset that Alex was pushing all the work on him.

Alex knew he should help, but helping would mean the entire process going faster and he wasn't ready. Instead, Alex blinked up at Aaron, aiming for something near innocence and failing. "Tell me to be helpful and I will, Sir."

The face he'd been looking at disappeared and Alex started to sit up, not willing to apologize for the comment but also not wanting Aaron to go away, not yet, but there was a hand on his head, ruffling his hair. "It's only a few more bags."

Whether that was meant as a 'don't worry about it' or encouragement for him to help, Alex wasn't sure, but he pushed himself up to his feet anyway. It only took them two trips to get everything packed in the rental car and then Aaron was locking up the cabin and they were climbing into the car.

"I'm going to drop off the keys," Aaron said after a moment, pulling up to another set of cabins, "and then we can be on our way. If you get hungry or need to pee or anything- let me know, okay? We pretty much drove straight through on the way, but you were sleeping then."

Honestly, Alex was considering sleeping through this ride too. Aaron would probably appreciate that more than what Alex wanted to do, which was try and convince the man that they could drop out and spend the rest of their lives hiding in the mountains. Petulantly he pulled his arms through the sleeves of Aaron's hoodie, wrapping his arms around himself once he had them inside. The window was cold against his forehead as he leaned against it, puffing hot air to make the glass fog. It was a poor substitute for a distraction, but better than staring at the empty space Aaron had left until he came back.

There was a sound as the car door opened, and then a hand on his shoulder. "Alex?"

The last thing he wanted to do right then was left Aaron know how badly he didn't want to go back to campus. Brat or not, that didn't seem like a good way to show how grateful he was for the whole experience. Instead, he flopped backward in his seat, turning his head to look at Aaron.

"You know, it's going to be weird not being able to tell everyone that we're boyfriends now."

Aaron raised an eyebrow. "Planning on breaking up with me now, are you?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Alex huffed. "It'd be weird if I suddenly skipped up to Herc and waxed poetic about us being in a relationship."

"It would have been weirder if you'd done it in the beginning. Correct me if I'm wrong," Aaron responded as he pulled out onto the main road, "but you don't seem like the type to gush to Mulligan about the boys you date period."

There was almost a question in Aaron's tone, and Alex shrugged. He'd been upfront in the beginning about the fact that Hercules was well aware of his string of sexual encounters, and Aaron could probably guess if he wanted to that Alex hadn't had anyone to gush about before. Dating wasn't something he'd done, just fucked or been fucked and maybe, maybe at its best, it had been done with people who would hold him when it was over. Who weren't self-conscious about letting themselves drop bodily onto him, would lay there until they fell asleep and let Alex slip out oBn his own terms. He'd always let himself stay too long, relishing in the comfort of being touched because it was the only way he could get what he wanted.

His ass or mouth had always been an easy trade for those moments of gentleness, well worth it in the end, no matter what kind of looks Hercules gave him. And well, the ungentleness had served its own purpose too. Alex frowned at the order of his own thoughts, at the thought that even back then he'd been looking for something he rarely got and just settling for pain instead.

"Talk to me." When Aaron spoke, Alex realized he must have made a noise, done something to draw those eyes to him. "You know you can talk to me right? About anything?"

Alex made a face and then snaked his arms back through the sleeves of the hoodie he was wearing. "Are you telling me what to do?"

"No." Of course not, because Aaron had been doing his best to skate around that since he'd said Virginia the other day.

But this was familiar territory, much easier to navigate than his previous thread of thought and Alex wasn't about to let it go. "I don't understand why you won't. You certainly had no problem bossing me around when we first met. You even called me Son. Which," now that Alex was talking he couldn't seem to stop himself, "really isn't my favorite of the truly bizarre list of nicknames you've given me.'

At least Burr looked mildly offended rather than concerned. "I thought you said you didn't mind the pet names."

"I don't. I just... like some of them more than others." Alex supplied after a moment, shrugging.

Aaron cocked his head to the side, though his eyes were back on the road. "Other than good boy, and I don't know that that counts as a pet name- which ones do you like? or are there ones that I should avoid?"

Trust Aaron to somehow manage to avoid the whole point Alex had been trying to go for, and instead focus on ways he could make Alex happier. "You did pet the other day, that was nice. Anything that starts with 'My' is also great."

"My?" 

Alex didn't say anything at first, but when it became clear Aaron wasn't going to get it, he exhaled. "Yours. Your Good Boy. Your Princess. Your Pet. Honestly, you could call me garbage-"

"I would never call you garbage," Aaron interrupted, "The other... I will keep in mind."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't talk in my notes as much anymore because I'm too busy torturing people on tumblr by publicly wondering what Thomas Jefferson has been up to over break.


	62. Chapter 62

Madison was going to kill him for laughing, but the image was too ridiculous not to.

They'd put everything up in Alex's dorm before deciding to check to see if his own roommate was home yet. Or at least, that's what Alex had told him they were going to do. What he'd ended up doing was launching himself bodily at James when James opened the door to let them in the room. Madison, caught off guard, had instinctively tried to catch him despite being even shorter than Alex. The motion had resulted in both of them sprawling backward onto James' bed, Alex still pointedly refusing to get off the other man.

"Jimmy! Did you miss me? I missed you." Aaron couldn't see it, but there was no doubt about the grin on Alex's face.

Madison was struggling to push himself into a sitting position. "Hamilton if you don't get off of me this instant- I will-"

"What? Choke me?" Despite the statement, Alex was rolling to his feet in an easy motion, flashing Aaron a smile when he made an exasperated noise.

It took him another moment, and a coughing fit, to right himself, but eventually Madison was sitting, a water bottle in his hand that Alex had helpfully thrust his way. "If Burr smothers me in my sleep, know it's because of your shit jokes."

"My boyfriend," Alex states and the emphasis on the phrase that makes Aaron roll his eyes fondly, "Would never smother you. He's the picture of nonviolence."

"Your boyfriend is standing right here, and would prefer the two of you not talk about him as if he wasn't." Aaron responded, and despite Alex's statement, wrapped an arm around his shoulders possessively.

"I'd almost forgotten how weird the two of you were over break." The statement might have had a little more bite if James wasn't still nursing the bottle of water Alex had given him.

"What'd you do over break, Jimmy, my friend, my pal?"

Alex was probably trying to be more friendly than obnoxious but Aaron noticed the shift before he did. The slight aggravation on James's face falling away to nothingness, a bland expression that Aaron hadn't seen in what felt like weeks. Hadn't wanted to see again.

His voice was deceptively mild when he spoke. "Absolutely nothing. Shockingly, when one punches the guy they were going to spend break with- things can be a bit awkward."

Aaron could see the realization dawning on Alex's face. "I'm so sorry. Shit, that's my fault."

How Alex could blame himself for Jefferson being trash, or Madison's questionable decision to be friends with him in the beginning was beyond Aaron. He gave a comforting squeeze, but Alex was too busy shrugging his arm off to pay any attention, instead crossing so that he could sit on the foot of Madison's bed. James regarded him with that same blank look and Aaron internally groaned, not wanting to know what was going on in either of their heads.

"I uh, know this is probably crap coming from me, but I am sorry?" It was almost painful to see Alex like this, thrown so quickly from joking to apologizing for something that wasn't his fault, but Aaron didn't step in to stop him. He'd do so if necessary, but right now, Alex seemed to need to get whatever it was off his chest. "He was your friend and... well, I'm sorry about you losing your friend."

For his part, James didn't say 'you should be' or 'you're right' or even 'it was your fault all along', or any of the horrible blaming statements that he could have easily gone for. No, instead he'd looked off to the side for a moment before nodding to himself. When he spoke he didn't look at Alex, but rather tilting his chin to address Aaron. "Is this how he gets you? Passionately tackling you and then apologizing for being alive when you seem upset? Because if this is his mating ritual I need to know now to prepare myself."

Alex perked up at that, and Aaron almost felt bad for James when he saw that look. "Prepare yourself? Don't need to worry about that any time soon, considering Aaron takes forever to get comfortable.  But I am so happy to hear that you're finally considering yourself part of this trio."

James didn't respond other than to groan, and because Alex never knew when to stop, he continued, "I am shocked though. I never took you as a bottom. I really don't know that this relationship can handle two of those.  That might be a deal breaker."

"Please let it be a deal breaker. Your... friendship," the word wasn't said with disgust so much as confusion, "Is really more than I think I can handle as is."

"You'll have to forgive Alex," Aaron found himself speaking as he walked to stand behind his boyfriend, ruffling the man's hair. "And get used to it. He'll turn everything into a sex joke if you leave him an opening."

Madison sighed, a slightly overdramatic sound as he glanced toward the ceiling. "I really don't have a choice in the whole 'being friends with Hamilton' thing- Do I?"

"Not really," Alex said cheerfully.

Aaron shrugged. "Don't worry. He grows on you after a while."

"So does mold." Madison shook his head. "Whatever. As much as I love being invited to disturbing threesomes and given way too much information about Burr's tastes- I think there's a shower calling my name.  Maybe it'll be able to clean me from y'alls filth."

He had to give Alex credit, the man did wait until Madison had collected his things and left the room before turning to Aaron and wiggling his eyebrows. "He says he wants to clean himself but really he wants to jack off to the idea of us. I'd bet you a hundred bucks that if he ever interrupted us- he wouldn't turn down the chance to join- but I'd like to not further ruin my chances of being fucked over that desk one day."

"If you keep talking about Madison in bed, I might just get jealous." Aaron muttered dryly. "And as much as I love thinking about Madison in that light- didn't you mention checking in with Hercules at some point?"

 


	63. Chapter 63

Herc, as it turned out, wouldn't be able to see him until the next day, sometime after Alex's last class.

"It's good to see you too," he said, amusement coloring his voice as he tried to walk backward with Alex's arms wrapped around his waist and shut the door to his dorm simultaneously. "Come on, at least get on the bed, you ridiculous child."

Alex snickered before letting him go, flopping onto the comforter and propping himself up on one arm so that he could waggle his eyebrows at his RA. "Oh Herc, I thought you'd never ask. But what would Aaron think?"

It took Hercules a moment to connect the laughter with his words, and then he reached over to ruffle Alex's hair before pulling up the chair so that he could sit in it next to the bed. "Please tell Burr that I told you to get in my bed. It'd be the highlight of my week."

"I mean Madison won't take me up on the chance for a threesome, so maybe you could be our third?" 

"You know I'm straight so I'll stop you there," Hercules said with a raised eyebrow, and then, in a much more serious tone, "That wouldn't happen to be James Madison you propositioned would it?"

Alex didn't like that tone, not one bit. "Maybe. He's Aaron's roommate. Why?"

There was a tightening of Herc's lips and then the expression was gone and the man was stretching casually. "No reason. How was your honeymoon?"

It hadn't been their honeymoon, but Alex couldn't help himself from smiling at the phrase. At least, it meant he didn't have to worry about Herc judging him for gushing. "It was great? Like, completely amazing considering how little time Aaron had to put it together. He took us to this cabin in this small southern town that he used to visit as a child- and we got to see candy being made! And he took me on a picnic and we went on a hike and there was a lot of really good food. At first I teased him because he chose to go to mountains so far away, but it was just... super great."

"Can I assume that cabin in the woods was the reason why you didn't answer anyone's texts over break? Or should I let the guys know you aren't talking to them." The question was just a little too pointed to have been casual, and Alex groaned, rolling onto his back.

It took him a moment to find an answer, trying his best to not let it deflate his good mood. "I was with Aaron, didn't seem to be a reason to have my phone on at all."

"The two of you are so cute it's gross." Herc pulled a face before shaking his head. "But no really, I know it sucks to talk about these things- but if you're going to cut off Laurens and Lafayette? Can we at least be adult enough to... tell them that?"

No. It hadn't been very adult of them to kidnap Aaron so why should he be the mature one? Aaron swore it was fine that they were still friends, but then again Aaron didn't seem interested in talking about what had happened and it had to bother him. The last time he'd tried to bring it up, though, Aaron had asked if he was still trying to become friends with Madison and when Alex had said of course, he'd just shrugged and acted like that was answer enough. Things would be easier if Aaron would tell him what to do- instead of leaving everything in his hands. 

Besides, Hercules was well aware that Alex hadn't just been ignoring John and Laf. Other than their brief conversation one morning, Alex hadn't answered any of his texts either. 

"Aaron had a nightmare while we were in the cabin." Alex said in answer instead.

One of his favorite things about the man was just how quickly he was able to connect the dots, even when Alex didn't bother walking him through it. "You think it might be related to what happened?"

"It uh... took him a while to calm down and he didn't seem interested in discussing what happened. But I accidentally mentioned John the next morning and he got really upset." Or, Alex thought he'd been upset. Things had already been tense and Aaron always did his best to keep negative emotions off of his face.

Hercules hummed. "I take it that's when you decided texting me at 9 AM was a fantastic idea. What does Aaron have to say about you being friends with them still?"

"That it's not his decision." Alex puffed out his cheeks. "But he also mentioned how fond I am of second chances... I think he just doesn't want to be controlling. He's really careful about that, ya know?"

"It sounds like you're just going to have to be a big boy then, Alex." There was shift of the bed, and Alex turned to see that Herc was propping his head on his hands, elbows digging into the mattress. "But I think they'd understand if you said you needed more time to think about it. Just... please reach out and let them know that's what's happening. I'd really rather not have to play guidance counselor for Laf anymore. He's pretty..." 

Hercules cut himself off, but he'd said enough that Alex knew where the sentence had been headed. "Is he the only one that's upset?"

"You know how John is. I think... he'd be more apologetic if he could stop being defensive. But he's not going to admit guilt because he thinks that only further ruins his chances of you talking to him."

Alex rubbed at his face, exhausted. "Why does everything have to be so complicated?"

"I stopped asking myself that a long time ago when it comes to things involving you. You have a special talent of making people forget themselves."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday Aaron Burr!!!!


	64. Chapter 64

Aaron glanced down at this phone, unsure of what to do with himself. Alex was apparently going to be in the library for another hour or so- working on a group project that he had to present next week, and considering it was Wednesday, Aaron had a surprising lack of homework to be doing. There was reading to be done of course, but every time he'd sat down and tried to concentrate for more than ten minutes at a time he'd found his mind wandering. Honestly, it was getting a bit frustrating. 

But waiting around wasn't going to accomplish anything either, and if he had to, he could finish the reading in ten-minute increments. Alex did it often enough, switching between tasks easily when focusing was too hard to commit to. The most ridiculous thing Aaron had ever seen him do in the name of studying had been to cover the paragraphs in two different textbooks with candy. Sour patch kids on the book on the bed, Swedish fish on the book on the desk, while Aaron sat on the other bunk and watched him pace- reading two or three paragraphs (and eating two or three candies) before switching back to the last book. 

Aaron had never had to result to such tricks to try and keep his attention on anything and it was frustrating to have to consider it at all, but when push came to shove- well, he was an adaptable man. He shoved his phone in his pocket and zipped up his bag before deciding to head back to the dorm. Alex could meet him there after his group meeting was done and they'd be able to get dinner before picking a place to sleep for the night.

An unfamiliar scene greeted him when he opened the door, Madison and another student appeared to be having a staring match in the middle of the room, and Burr almost flinched back from the sheer look of disgust on his roommates face. 

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked when neither of them moved.

The other man broke eye contact first, snarling as he shoved past Aaron without a word. James stood there for a moment longer before throwing himself on his bed, muttering something under his breath that didn't make sense. When he realized Aaron was still staring, he rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about it. That was Lee but he won't be back."

Lee sounded like a familiar name, and to be honest, he'd looked familiar, but Aaron couldn't quite place why. "Is everything okay?"

"Nothing to worry your pretty little head over." Madison shrugged. "When does Hamilton get out of class, anyway?"

That probably hadn't been as smooth a transition as Madison had planned. "Lee wasn't here to threaten him was he? Is Alex safe? Do I need to go find him?"

"Ah yes. Because that would be how that would happen. Thomas would send a lackey to /me/ to threaten /your boyfriend/ when he has both of your numbers and probably knows all of Alex's classes already." Aaron wasn't sure whether he was supposed to feel nauseous or relieved at that statement, but he didn't have much time to process any of it because Madison was still talking. "That wasn't at all an attempt on my part to change the subject or try and rebuild the bridge between us by acknowledging your boyfriend's existence. And it definitely wasn't me asking because I'm planning on going grocery shopping tonight and didn't know if you two wanted to join me- because that would be the world's stupidest idea."

"You want me to ask Alex if he'd like to go grocery shopping with you?" That wasn't exactly what Madison had said, but it did seem to be the general intent behind the rant.

There was a thud as Madison lifted his head off the bed long enough to let it drop, and Aaron bit back a comment regarding how much he and Alex had in common. "It was a terrible idea. Forget I ever thought about it."

"No," Aaron said, "That's strangely sweet of you. And I'm proud of you for calling him my boyfriend rather than your usual slew of names for him."

"He's the one determined to be friends with me and honestly, I'm really hoping that he behaves better when he's fed. He vaguely reminds me of a stray dog and considering you've gone and fucking named it, we're never going to be rid of him- so I might as well give him food and take him to the vet."

Maybe he should have argued that referring to Alex as a dog, especially a stray one, probably wasn't the best way to go about being friends with the man, or even pushed the metaphor to figure out what exactly Madison was going to do in terms of getting him his shots. Part of him both wanted to suggest, and warn his roommate away from ever making a similar comment in front of Alex- because the leash jokes and kink jokes would supply themselves. And well, if Alex got offended about being compared to a dog, perhaps he shouldn't have launched himself at Madison or licked Aaron's face.

There was another thought, but Aaron shook it away. "He's already done with classes for the day, but he's got another half hour with his group probably. Are you willing to wait that long to leave?"

Madison twisted his head to send him a blank look. "I asked because I'm going to rush out the door rather than wait for him. Just wanted you to know that I considered doing a nice thing- not actually have to deal with the responsibility of following through."

Aaron rolled his eyes. "Please continue to take offense at me being polite. I love it. It makes me feel very secure about texting Alex to see if he wants to go grocery shopping."

"Good thing you don't need to text him." He must have felt Aaron's questioning look, despite the fact that he'd gone back to looking at the ceiling. "I texted him before you ever arrived, he said after classes but didn't respond when I asked when that meant exactly. Or did you forget that Boy had my number before he ever knew your name?"

As if it were possible to forget the reason Alex literally stumbled into his life. "I just didn't realize the two of you were that close."

Madison groaned. "We're not. We're really, really not. Shut up before I start thinking he's rubbed off on you with his weird ideas about us being friends."


	65. Chapter 65

Madison was holding his hand.

Well, Aaron and James were both holding his hands, one walking on each side as they crossed the parking lot, but he held hands with Aaron all the time. In fact, he'd been intending to grab Aaron's hand when they'd gotten out of the car and had accidentally wound up clutching Madison's much smaller one instead. Instead of pulling away in disgust, the man had given Burr an exasperated glance, asking out loud if Alex was allowed to cross the parking lot without supervision. Burr had shrugged, said no, and slipped his hand in Alex's free one before walking forward and then James had followed suit and the only thing Alex could do was allow himself to be pulled along.

He should have felt humiliated or patronized by the act. Especially considering the fact that James had started off their grocery shopping trip with 'I would like to remind you that in no way shape or form does this mean that we're friends.' But Alex didn't feel either of those things, he just felt warm inside. A feeling that didn't go away when James immediately dropped his hand when they'd reached the building. Even if it had been a joke about him being a child, it was the most James had willingly touched him in non-cruelty.

Maybe they could work their way up to actual hugs next.

James had found a cart and was pushing it ahead of them, toward the section of the store that housed fresh greens and fruit and Alex couldn't help himself. "I want apples. But not the whole kind."

Madison turned to give him a weird look, but Aaron shrugged, squeezing Alex's hand lightly. "The sliced ones that come in the ridiculous bags. According to him, they taste better that way."

The phrase that came out of Madisons' mouth sounded suspiciously close to 'fucking brat', but considering he hadn't bothered to say it clearly, Alex was just going to pretend that he hadn't heard it. "Plus biting the whole thing is annoying. I much prefer nibbling and sucking."

Madison groaned and when he looked over, Aaron was giving him a look. Which was particularly unfair because he could have made a comment about daddy wanting him to eat his fruits and vegetables, or any of the other half dozen fruit related sex jokes he could have made. At least this one was true, he really didn't like biting into whole apples. They made his jaw hurt. The little baggies of cut apples let him nibble comfortably instead.

"Does he want the ones with caramel dip?" Madison said, holding up two bags.

Aaron shook his head. "Do you think Alex needs any more sugar?"

Alex huffed, cheeks puffing out. "I'm still right here you know."

"We know," Madison quipped, taking a little too much pleasure out of having annoyed Alex.

At the same time that Aaron was giving his hand a firm squeeze, "You've lost your talking privileges after that joke. That's all."

It was said in a light tone, a joke in and of itself. It was also the closest that Aaron had come to telling him what to do since that awkward conversation in the woods and if he thought Alex wasn't going to take it as an opportunity to show how well behaved he could be, Aaron had another thing coming. When James shot him a questioning look, most likely waiting for a response, Alex just puffed out his cheeks again and made a waving motion with his hands.

From there it was surprisingly easy. They didn't eat on campus that much and Aaron knew his general tastes well enough to pick things off the shelf without a fuss. On the occasions Aaron did need to ask, he'd done so with a raised eyebrow or simply by holding whatever it was in front of Alex's face. Alex had nodded at the pretzels and shaken his head at the ramen, tapping the fingers of his free hand along his leg to remind himself to be quiet.

A few aisles in and James and Aaron started carrying a calm conversation, something about a class they'd once shared and a fellow classmate they'd apparently passed. Alex hadn't paid attention quick enough to catch her name. From there James had asked something about maybe doing dinner another night, shooting another questioning glance in Alex's direction. He'd nodded in response to that too, trying to ignore the feeling in his stomach when Aaron stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. Small, soothing circles that Alex wanted to earn more of.

It was only after they'd reached the register and were waiting in line that Alex felt Aaron lean in, lips right on Alex's ear as he whispered, "Good boy."

He felt Aaron go to move again and once he'd turned his head it occurred to him that Aaron hadn't been about to move back, and his lips were right there and if he licked his own he'd be touching them. And he had been, he'd been such a good boy, he'd behaved himself so well, could Aaron really hold it against him if he wasn't willing to keep waiting for it. Dark eyes were watching him, calm and relaxed, neither daring him nor warning him and Alex took that as permission enough.

Aaron started slightly, and there was a noise off to the side, but the man didn't pull back so Alex raised a hand tentatively to rub his neck, making a pleased noise when an answering one gripped his hair. Gripped, not pulled or stroked, but the nice amount of tension that Aaron often granted him when he needed to settle and Alex opened his mouth easily, not even attempting tongue or to guide the kiss.

He was rewarded with a small nip at his bottom lip but then there was a cough and an exasperated, "You're still in line, weirdos. I'll be in the car when you two are done making a scene."

Alex flushed, unwilling to meet Madison's eye even as he watched the other man push their cart away. He allowed himself to be guided out of the line, trying to think of some way to apologize for what he'd done when fingers came up to stroke his chin. His chin tilted up obediently at the slightest hint of pressure and he squeaked when Aaron shifted his hold on Alex's face, carefully stroking his bottom lip with his thumb.

"Home?"

Alex did the only thing he could do. He nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com/post/138839754386/jeffersonisadick-hamilton-withpride-saw-this
> 
> ur welcome.
> 
> As always- you can find me over at writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle on tumblr. I take comments/requests/head canons in my inbox
> 
> I love you guys.
> 
> and I am so sorry about the upcoming pain- but I kept my promise of the kiss happening first!!


	66. Chapter 66

Madison had offered to handle the groceries, and perhaps they should have taken him up on it, but it was too amusing to watch him and Alex basically dance around the room. Alex's eyes still slightly unfocused, the way James twisted and turned to get out of his way when his boyfriend didn't bother to check whether or not someone was at the fridge before pushing himself into the space. The small glances back at Aaron, mouth parted but still quiet and damn if that didn't do something to him.

A quiet voice in the back of his head told him he shouldn't. Alex had already been through enough without getting into a relationship with someone who craved control as much as he did and no matter how careful Aaron might try to be, there was always the chance he'd push something too far. But Alex trusted him, and Alex had more than shown that this was something he wanted. Thing or not, there was no way to fake how blown Alex's pupils had been just before they kissed. Maybe, just maybe, it was about time Aaron trusted Alex in return.

Aaron glanced up when the door slammed, eyes flickering around the room until they settled on Alex, standing just to his side- looking just as needy and vulnerable as he had back in the grocery store. It occurred to him belatedly that Alex was still probably scared of being rejected, of being sent away, or told again that he had to wait. When the shift had happened, between Alex wanting to fuck him because that's what Alex did- exchanged his body for what he could get, and this strange intimacy, Aaron wasn't sure. But he couldn't claim that he hadn't noticed it. And still, he'd deprived him.

Tentatively Aaron patted the space on the bed next to him, pleased when Alex took the cue to sit. His chin was rough with stubble, but the skin under his thumb was soft and Alex was looking at his with that same open expression again. Like he'd let Aaron do whatever he wanted to him, like he'd do whatever was asked of him.

Like he trusted Aaron with that power. "My good boy," he said finally, still stroking Alex's cheek, "I'd like to kiss you again. Is that okay?"

For a moment, he was afraid that Alex would laugh at him for asking, but instead, Alex licked his bottom lip slowly before nodding. He kept perfectly still even as Aaron leaned in, allowing him to trace the exact path before more fully pressing their lips together. And wasn't that a beautiful thing? To feel Alex surrender himself, moving at the slightest of urging- both obedient and eager.

It took him a moment to get Alex where he wanted him, one of his knees pressed into either side of Aaron's hips, their foreheads pressed together as he waited. Patiently. It would have been so easy to lean up and kiss Alex again, to not stop until the other man was panting and thrusting against him. There was, after all, no denying that Alex was already getting hard, the outline pressing against his jeans in a way that made Aaron wonder if he could make the other man come just by kissing him. He reached up to wraps his hands around Alex's hips, smiling slightly when the man wiggled in response, trying to increase the contact.

"Talk to me, Pet," Aaron said as he rewarded the motion by tightening his grip, "I want to hear that lovely voice again, you've been quiet for long."

Alex swallowed, trying to wet his mouth again. "Can I have another kiss?" was all he said when he finally spoke and Aaron chuckled before tilting his chin, not quite closing the gap. After all, Alex had kissed him first in the store, there was no reason why the other man couldn't take what was being offered. There was a hesitation, and he could almost see the wheels turning as Alex tried to figure out if he was allowed to move in. He considered taking pity, giving explicit permission but then there was a mouth on his own again.

A brief brush, because Alex was pulling back just slightly to speak again, "Thank you."

Another kiss, this one longer, and when Alex pulled back his breath was heavy. "You're not going to let this go further tonight, are you?"

No. Probably not. It wasn't a good idea to rush things, no matter how good it felt to finally have Alex straddling him. There were things they needed to discuss, important things, especially considering Alex's relationship to sex and self-worth, before they went too far.  Aaron didn't particularly want to talk about any of those things right then, though. 

At his lack of answer, Alex sighed, hot air puffing across Aaron's lips. "Didn't think so. But a boy can dream, right?"

Alex kissed him again, pressing himself Aaron in a move that felt particularly unfair considering he'd just agreed that they weren't going to go any further. But then Alex was off him completely, standing in the middle of the room with the shit eating grin that Aaron had come to love so much. 

"Come on, we should probably tell Mads that we're going back to my dorm. If not, he'll probably try and sleep in the library again, and neither of us wants to deal with his mood if that happens." 

Aaron accepted the hand pulling him up, trying not to be curious about what had happened before that had caused Madison to sleep in the library- or how Alex knew about it at all. Their new tentative friendship was strange enough without trying to piece out how they'd functioned before things fell apart. 

"Unless you'd rather sleep alone? I mean, I promise to behave and that your virtue will be safe from me, but I also understand if you're worried about controlling yourself."

Alex looked so pleased with himself, and Aaron couldn't help himself from leaning forward to kiss him once more. "I suppose I can trust you to keep me in check if not."


	67. Chapter 67

They'd almost made it back to his dorm before Aaron planted the idea in his mind.

"As much as we'd both probably like to continue what just happened, we do have classes tomorrow." He'd said, poking Alex's nose when he puffed out his cheeks in response, and then Aaron had given him the most glorious unintentional opening by saying, "We should probably both grab a shower before bed."

Alex had hummed, nodding. After all, they'd already discussed that things weren't going to go any further tonight, and honestly, considering the snail's pace that Aaron liked to take things, he'd be lucky to get any action in the week to come. So long as he didn't recant on the kisses, though, Alex would survive. He'd never gotten to go through that middle school phase where people made out for hours with their partners, had never really wanted to. Not with anyone else, but the idea of just laying with Aaron, lazily kissing through a movie? It was one worth further investigating.

So was that shower thought, though, and he pounced on it as soon as the door to his room shut. "When we're in the shower, would you mind washing my hair for me?"

The little furrow in Aaron's brow was adorable, as he pieced together the question. "Alex-"

"I'll be on my best behavior?" Alex interrupted him because the last thing he wanted right now was another lecture about what he was and wasn't ready for. He was still riding on cloud nine from Aaron not only kissing him, but also bossing him around. He'd be opening to talking about whatever Aaron wanted so long as it meant that the man kept treating him like that.

Aaron gave him a long look and Alex held his breath, trying to look as innocent as possible while his boyfriend thought it over. It was only after Alex had almost given up on the idea that Aaron spoke. "Boxers stay on. And no kissing."

Alex thought about clarifying whether that just meant mouth kisses, before shrugging and accepting the terms as stated. Honestly, it was a dream that the man had agreed at all considering how careful he was about everything. Careful, careful Burr. As frustrating as it was, especially when Alex wanted nothing more than to be bent over the nearest desk or pressed against a wall- it was precisely that quality that made handing himself over to Aaron so wonderful.

Grabbing a towel out of his drawer he turned to look at the other man, "I'll go take the single bathroom at the end of the hall and have the water running. That's enough to keep anyone else from opening the door, usually. You can lock it once you come in."

Aaron nodded and Alex left to claim the shower, doing his best to not burst out into song the moment he hit the hallway. His boyfriend was going to wash his hair. His boyfriend was going to touch him while they were in the shower, and sure, he could think of much dirtier things they could be doing there- he couldn't help but feel a fondness for the innocence of the action.

Once he was down to his boxers he hung his towel up on the hook on the back of the door. Placing his body wash and shampoo on the ledge of the tub, he climbed in and turned on the water, trying not to squirm at the way the stream caused fabric to cling to him. It didn't take long for the sound of the door open to fill the room and then the metal noise of the lock being engaged. When Aaron pulled open the curtain, Alex grinned, bottom lip caught in his teeth to try and remind himself to obey Aaron's no kissing rule.

If he could manage to be quiet for an entire afternoon of shopping with Madison, he could manage to behave with Aaron standing so close and so undressed. He even did his best to keep his eyes no lower than the man's chest when Aaron climbed into the shower to join him. 

"Hey," Alex finally said shyly, leaning backward slightly to try and give the other man his space.

It turned out to be a needlessly polite gesture because Aaron reached out to stroke his cheek. "We'll wash ourselves and then do your hair, okay?"

Alex nodded, reaching down to grab his body wash and washcloth, doing his best to clean himself efficiently as possible. There was only so much hot water in the dorms, after all, and while Aaron hadn't said anything about him getting hard earlier, the last thing he wanted to do was prove to the man just how quickly he could get excited. It probably wasn't endearing, even if it was entirely Aaron's fault for teasing him for so long.

A hand settled on his shoulder, and Alex turned his head startled, to find Aaron holding up his shampoo, eyebrows raised. Alex nodded, trying not to think too much about the way Aaron gripped the bottle. He turned his head obediently at Aaron's encouraging, chewing on his bottom lip as both hands found their way into his wet hair. He had to clench his eyes shut in order to avoid getting soap in his eyes, but that only made the sensation all the more prevalent. It was maddening, somehow even better than when Aaron let him lay in his lap and would just scratch as his head.

"You've got your eyes closed, right? I need to wash this out." Aaron was saying and Alex nodded, allowing himself to be guided beneath the flow of the water again.

The hands returned to his hair, making sure that everything was clean and then Aaron was turning off the water. Alex stayed standing there,  trying to breathe in through his nose and remind himself that he'd promised to behave. There was the sound of moving fabric, and it wasn't until a dry towel was being wrapped around his waist and then a slightly damper one around his hair that he realized that Aaron must have brought his clothes into the bathroom with him. That would have been an intelligent thing to do, definitely something to remember if Aaron granted him this privilege again.

Fingers around his chin encouraged him to look up, and Aaron's eyes were warm as he leaned in to press a kiss at the corner of his mouth. "You did so good. I'm so proud of you for keeping your promise about behaving. Do you want to come back with me now- or would you rather I let you come back on your own?"

"I'll uh, be back in a moment," he said after a moment, flush rising on his cheeks even when Aaron kissed his cheek again before leaving. It was a ridiculously cute gesture from a man who had basically just asked whether or not he needed to masturbate before going to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly I think my favorite thing is that so many of you are /more/ anxious when I'm nice to the children than when there is pain.


	68. Chapter 68

If his phone was to be believed, he still had another hour before he had to get up. Not that that was actually an option, what with Alex laying on top of him and his bladder protesting the extra weight. It was times like these that he was grateful that the other man tended to sleep like the dead when he did get to sleep. Aaron rubbed at his eyes before twisting, carefully untangling himself from the mass of limbs, trying not to let himself go down that road. There would be other days to worry about Alex's ridiculous sleep schedule, right then he wanted to relish in the fact that everything seemed... more okay for once.

Finally free, he rolled off the bed, pausing before opening the door to look back at Alex who had already shifted to curl around the pillow. He shook his head fondly before creeping into the hallway, shutting the door as gently as he could behind him. It didn't take him long to take care of business, though if specifically went to the bathroom at the end of the hall rather than the multi-stalled one that's closer- well, that's no one's business.

On his way back he jumped at the sound of his name being called, "Burr?"

When Aaron turned, it was Hercules, looking barely awake himself. "Thought that was you. Can we talk?"

Aaron tensed. It wasn't even six yet, there was absolutely nothing good that could come from a conversation with Mulligan at this hour. Still, he was practically living in the man's hall at this point, he couldn't exactly ignore the request. Not for long, anyway. He nodded, taking a concentrated breathe in before exhaling slowly through his nose. It wasn't as effective as counting had been, but it would do in the mean time.

"What can I do for you?" He said after Mulligan ushered him into the room.

"First, you can take a seat," Hercules nodded toward the computer chair as he sat on the edge of his bed, "Two, do you have to make it sound like I brought you here to plan your own funeral arrangements?"

"Mulligan," Aaron groused, even as he sat, "Have you considered that you just asked me to have a conversation at five fucking thirty in the morning?"

The man shrugged. "Sorry. I've been meaning to text you, but I know how nosy Alex can be and I didn't want to make him anxious if he saw my name flash across your screen."

Though he understood the sentiment, that didn't exactly change the hour and he wasn't in the mood to be thankful. "In the interest of not making Alex anxious, I'd like to be there when he wakes up. What did you need?"

"I meant it when I said I wanted to talk. I'm worried about you."

It was a strange thing for Mulligan to say, considering the man rarely saw him other than passing one another in the hall. Aaron looked off to the side and exhaled slowly as it occurred to him just what that meant. "Alex is worried about me, you mean."

"You won't talk to him about what happened." When Aaron went to speak again, Hercules cut him off. "I know you probably have your reasons. I might even agree with half of them. Doesn't change the fact that you've got to talk to someone."

And what, Mulligan was offering to be the shoulder he cried on? They weren't that close, and really, Aaron was fine. He and Alex were doing fine. They'd finally gotten the awkward dating conversation out of the way and honestly, that was a weight off of his shoulders in and of itself. Not having to second guess what everything meant, or worry that he was leading Alex on. And while the trip to the mountains had been for Alex, it'd been great for him as well. A chance to get away from campus, to be in a place that was still filled with fond memories. Everything else? He'd figure out on his own time.

"I already apologized for the incident over break, if need be, I'll do so again." He'd apologize a thousand times if it made Alex feel better. "But there's absolutely no reason to be worried about me."

There was a twitch though the man did an admirable job of trying to mask it. "I was unaware you'd done anything to warrant an apology."

"See," Aaron said, "There's the Mulligan I know. Go ahead, get angry at me. I'd prefer it to the concern, in fact."

"Aaron," The use of his first name was pointed. "It's not an attack on you that people care. Is it that it's me? That I'm friends with the guys too? Because if so, I can talk to Peggy about the situation. She's a friend, and an RA in your dorm if I'm not mistaken."

"Why would your being friends with them bother me, Herc?" He'd never shortened the man's name that way before, and the familiarity felt strange on his tongue. "Why can't we all just be friends? I was thinking about asking John Laurens if he wanted to get lunch, in fact. Maybe even go on a double date night with him and the french fuck. That way he can call me little Burr again and not apologize, because obviously, what they did was normal fucking behavior for them."

Fuck. Aaron took a deep breath, huffing slightly when he realized that any irritation that Mulligan had felt earlier had melted back into concern. He hadn't meant to get so angry right there, but it was exhausting the way everyone wanted him to be okay with what they'd done. They were supposed to be Alex's friends and despite Hercules insistence that everyone had a blind spot when it came to Alex, they still had a strange way of showing their support.

"They haven't apologized to you because Alex and I both told them to leave you alone," Hercules said after a long moment, "In fact... Look, I'm not asking you to be friends with him- but Lafayette, or the french fuck, asked me to give you his number. So that you can contact him on your own time and so that he can try and make it up to you. Do you want it?"

No. He didn't want anything to do with either of them, but at least, maybe, if he finally got an apology from the source- things could go back to normal between them and Alex. Alex deserved to have more friends, even if those friends didn't understand the meaning of boundaries. "Yeah. Thank you."

Once the number was in his phone, he glanced toward the door again. "I'm going to go now. If Alex has already woken up and freaked out, I'm blaming you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh!  
> A note on the rating change.  
> I found out that T+ means /13/ plus and wow wow wow nope this fic was not that no it wasn't. Alexander Hamilton should probably never be allowed near people under the age of 16.  
> I still probably won't put actual sin in this fic just b/c I do know a fair amount of y'all aren't a fan of that/would rather skip it. If it comes up in the text it will fade to black and I'll probably end up writing it?  
> but it'll be over in the 'Skin is a Language' Series for those of y'all who do want to read sin between these two nerds.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni2xhlbVnjQ Also if you've never heard the poem 'Thank you' By Adam Falkner and Jeanann Verlee (Where the title 'Skin is a language' comes from) you should.


	69. Chapter 69

Burr was being unreasonable. Completely and utterly unreasonable. "If I work through the night, the project is done. I don't have to worry about anyone else messing things up!"

"Do I need to tell you to take a break, Alex?" Aaron muttered, following him out of the elevator, looking exhausted.

It was almost enough to make Alex feel bad. "Do I get more kisses if I take a break?"

At least that got him a fond smile. "If James isn't in the room, I don't see why not."

Alex was distracted from responding by the sight of a familiar face making its way down the hallway towards the elevator. "Charlie!"

The man didn't give him a verbal response, only sneered at the two of them and really- wasn't that a bit much? It didn't seem worth getting upset over, though, especially considering Aaron had just promised they could make out when they got to his room. If Madison was there, well, he could either leave or Alex had no problem turning back around and going to his dorm instead. If he was going to be dragged away from working on his project, the least Aaron could do was make it worth it.

Aaron turned his head slightly to look at him. "You know him?"

"Hmm?" Alex blinked and then nodded, "That's Charlie. We uh... did some stuff together a while ago."

As if speaking in vague terms would keep Aaron from realizing that either they'd fucked or done drugs together. Alex gave a half shrug, more to himself than the other man, trying to direct his focus back away from where he'd been. Making out with Aaron was at least ten times better than popping ever had been. Aaron quirked an eyebrow before opening the door to his room, and Alex followed after, making a whining noise when he noticed Madison sitting at his desk.

James glanced up from where he'd been firing off a text, dark look softening into exasperation. "Chill out. You can suck his dick in like two minutes. I've got plans."

For a brief moment he considered asking if Madison wanted to join them, but then James was out of his seat, backpack slung over his shoulder and gone. The door had barely finished closing before Alex felt his shoulders press against it, Aaron leaning over him. Alex swallowed, tilting his head back to look up at his boyfriend. It was a position he'd been in plenty of times before, sure, but he was used to Aaron being more careful than this. More patient.

Alex wasn't sure whether he found it hot or alarming, at least, not until Aaron chuckled and pressed a kiss to his nose. "Sorry, I wanted to cut off the inevitable follow-up to his remark."

It took a moment for Alex to process, even as Aaron was moving back to sit on his bed. "I take it that's a no to me getting you in my mouth then."

Aaron patted the spot on the bed next to him. "Please don't make me actually say no to a blowjob."

Instead of taking the space offered to him, he pressed Aaron's shoulders backward, making a small pleased sound when the man scootched backward in response. Once he'd settled himself on Aaron's lap he returned the nose kiss. "Yes, Sir."

There was a hand working itself into his hair, and Alex only had a moment to be concerned about the state of his ponytail before Aaron was pulling him down for a real kiss. He ran his tongue along the small space between Aaron's lips, trying to coax the man into taking it further. His reward was a tightening of the grip in his hair, and he whined slightly, before backing off to let Aaron lead. A hand came up to stroke his back, slipping under the fabric of his shirt to touch his bare skin and wasn't that perfectly lovely.

The hand on the small of his back pressed him closer about the same time that a tongue entered his mouth, and Alex did his best to stay still as Aaron did his thing. Even then he couldn't help but grind down slightly when that tongue slid against his own, teasing and slow.  

Aaron pulled back after a moment, looking more amused than he had any right. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No," and then, because Aaron was still looking at him with that same expression, he leaned down to run his tongue along the shell of his ear before speaking again, "I promise I'll tell you if it's too much."

Instead of re-initiating the kiss, Aaron allowed his head to tilt to the side. Alex took the invitation to place small kisses along his jaw line before leaning down further to suck at the tender juncture between neck and shoulder. It was unlikely that he'd be able to leave marks there, considering Aaron's complexion, but that didn't mean he couldn't try. There was a low moan right above him and Alex let the sensitive skin go to grin.

"Do you want me to stop?" Alex teased, letting out a pleased squeak when Aaron pulled him forward for another kiss.

Definitely worth taking a break. It was only after he ground down again, encouraged by the answering hardness that Aaron stopped again. It took the man a moment to gather himself and Alex couldn't help a small bit of pride at that. That no matter how much Aaron wanted to act like the king of self-control, he did have some effect on the man. So long as he was determined to keep denying Alex, that knowledge would have to sustain him.

"I should probably take a shower after that," and then, upon seeing the look on Alex's face, "alone."

Alex rolled his eyes but allowed himself to be moved off of Aaron, flopping dramatically back on the bed when the man stood up, apparently serious about the shower thing. "I don't understand why you won't let us have any fun."

Aaron raised an eyebrow and kissed him on the forehead. "You're spoiled enough without me giving in to your every whim."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://love-distancelongaffair.tumblr.com/image/138930443518
> 
> LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT LOOK AT IT  
> THEY DREW A HAM AND BURR CUDDLING AND I  
> LOOK AT IT  
> LOOK AT IT  
> andimaginethat'sforever.that'swhattheydeserve.notwhatscoming.


	70. Chapter 70

On Monday, manicured nails tapped on the table he was taking up at the library. Aaron glanced up and smiled when he noticed Angelica standing there. "Ang! Long time no see, Lovely."

"And whose fault is that?" Angelica said with a smile of her own, taking a seat across from him. "I thought you said you were going to try and swing by the Center more often. The girls miss you, you know?"

"I've been busy," Aaron said sheepishly.

"Busy with your new boyfriend, no doubt." Despite the words, she sounded more amused than annoyed at him. "Speaking of which, he wouldn't still happen to be in a baking phase, would he?"

Aaron tried to think back to the last time Alex had baked anything but pulled a blank. Whether because Alex hadn't made anything since their visit to the women center, or if he'd finally learned enough self-control to keep things in smaller batches, Aaron wasn't sure. He'd never been the biggest sweet fan, personally.

"Why, what's up? Want to steal him away for your own nefarious purposes?" Aaron joked.

Angelica rolled her eyes. "The STD testing thing is coming up soon. We thought about maybe offering some free food to tempt people to come out."

"I thought that already passed?" After all, it felt like ages since Hercules had been pestering the two of them into going. 

It was probably a good idea, but Aaron hadn't known how to say that without Alex getting offended. He already seemed to have such a complex about being 'dirty' or used goods. The last thing Aaron had wanted to do was press the issue, especially because the idea of sleeping together hadn't been on the table back then. Aaron closed his book, placing it on the pile next to him so that he could look at Angelica more fully. Maybe she'd be able to help him come up with a better way to ask it? Or maybe they could go together. Maybe Alex would be more open to the idea if Aaron said they were going together.

"It got postponed because the room we were planning on using was double booked. We decided we'd rather wait until it was free again rather than take up multiple smaller rooms in another building," Angelica explained,  giving a slight shrug.

If there was one thing Aaron didn't miss from his volunteering days, it was those conversations. Running the desk shift had been a breeze compared to trying to figure out how to make events accessible and get people out to them. It had always been frustrating to put all the work into making something happen only for the date to be changed at the last minute, to have to change the posters and advertisements and pray that professors would be willing to mention it again. 

Angelica seemed to be looking at him expectantly, and suddenly he realized he was probably supposed to respond. "I'll talk to Alex. If nothing else, he'd probably enjoy the excuse to drag me into the kitchen."

"So it's going well? The two of you? I never imagined you the type to go for someone so..." The sentence trailed off as she waved a hand. From anyone else he might have felt defensive at that, but Angelica had never meant less than well.

"It's going really well, actually." And then, because it did feel good to be able to talk to someone who had no idea everything that had happened, "We ran into a rough patch there for a moment because of his friends. One of them got the wild idea in their head that I'd hurt him and some threats might have been made... But we're going to be alright. His friendship with them... not so much."

It had been more than 'some threats' but Angelica was still a mandated reported because of her position. Then again, so was Hercules, and he didn't seem to have an issue keeping things hush hush, but Ang had always been pretty by the books. Better to keep the details to a minimum and downplay what had happened.

"I'd probably threaten someone too if I thought they hurt you," Angelica said after a moment, "I'm glad that both of you are okay, though. Sometimes people meddle without realizing the damage they can cause."

Aaron had been about to respond when the bell rang overhead, six chimes. Angelica swore. "I'm so sorry to cut this short, but I have to go to a meeting with my advisor. I'm willing to listen if you do decide you want to talk more in-depth about everything, okay?"

Of course. Aaron waved his goodbyes before shoving his books into his bag and heading back to his own dorm. It was unlikely that he'd be able to focus anymore anyway. The least he could do was take a nap in his bed before he and Alex met up later. Thankfully his room was empty when he got there, James off doing whatever it was he did when he wasn't in classes and Alex busy tidying up the ends of his project. He kicked his shoes off before plopping down on his bed, dragging his blanket up from the bottom where Alex had left it that morning and pulling it around his shoulders. It wasn't often that he got the chance to sleep alone and he was going to take advantage of it. 

He'd just managed to curl up and get comfortable when  a series of buzzes got his attention. Aaron groaned before digging through his bag for his phone. It was probably Alex asking when they were going to meet up for dinner, or complaining about his group project. Three books were sitting on the bed by the time he managed to get his hands on it, pulling it up and swiping to unlock it. What greeted him wasn't a message from Alex, and he made a face before opening the text. He inhaled sharply before shooting off a message of his own.

[From: Jimmy M.  
6:25 PM

911]

[From: Jimmy M.  
6:25 PM

monticello

keys on the dresser]


	71. Chapter 71

Two hours. Two hours he had argued with his group about being more than capable of presenting the thing alone. Down the drain because he hadn't paid enough attention to the actual instructions at the bottom that informed them that everyone had to play an equal role in the speaking portion. If he ended up getting a lower grade on the blasted thing because his classmates couldn't get over their fear of public speaking, he was going to scream.

At least it was all over for now, they'd present tomorrow and he'd never have to think about the project again. Right now he was just eager to get back to his dorm and take a shower, wash some of the ignorance off of him. Maybe after that, he could text Aaron to see if he wanted to get dinner or even just lay around the dorm watching terrible movies. It'd been awhile since they'd watched a gay romcom, after all, and that was a tragedy in and of itself.

Alex had just made it past the student union when a familiar smell assaulted him, seconds before he found himself being pulled backward. There was an arm draped possessively over either shoulder, and Alex swallowed, trying to convince himself it was anyone else. 

The body behind him was too big to be Aaron or Hercules, the tight angle of the arms wrong to be Lafayette. Heart in his throat, Alex tried to twist, but they kept him there, back pressed against the man's stomach as lips found themselves at his ear.

"It's so good to know I can still make you excited." 

And of course, he knew that voice as well as he knew that cologne. "Please, Jefferson -"

Whatever else he'd been planning to say was cut off when Thomas shook his head, tutting. "You know, I don't actually want to hear that mouth of yours. That's been one great thing about the past month. So you're going to stay silent right now- aren't you?"

He should have screamed. Should have made a scene, there were people around them, it wouldn't take much to get their attention. Wouldn't take much to call for help, but the words died in his throat. Instead, he nodded.

"That's what I thought." Thomas was guiding him, further away from the crowd, off to the side and he couldn't help but wonder what they must look like. "Like I said, having you gone? has been a blast. Honestly, I'm glad Burr took your loud mouth off my hands. But he also took something else, something that wasn't his to take."

No. Fuck. Jefferson wasn't allowed to be upset with Aaron. Aaron hadn't done anything wrong. The only thing that Alex could think of that Jefferson might have been talking about was Madison and that hadn't been Burr's fault. Aaron had barely wanted anything to do with him, before or after the incident. Alex wanted to argue that it was his fault, that he was the one Jefferson should be angry at. 

"Don't worry," the man seemed so pleased with himself, mouth pressing against his pulse point briefly before continuing, "I'm not going to do a single thing to your precious Burr. Not so long as you come willingly."

A catch, there had to be a catch. Jefferson wouldn't admit that it was really Burr he was angry at and then accept Alex in return for nothing. The arms around his shoulders removed themselves, and again, he probably should have ran but he couldn't. Not now. Not with an implicit threat hanging in the air. Thomas walked so that he was standing in front of him instead, smile looking out of place on his face even as he reached forward to stroke Alex's cheek.

"You may be stupid, but at least you know well enough to mind. Now, you're going to hand me your phone and then we're going to walk back to my car. Together."

Numb, Alex did as he was told, searching for his phone before holding it out for Jefferson to take. The taller man hummed to himself as he took it, and Alex hated himself for being grateful when the man stuck it in his pocket rather than dropping it on the ground and stepping on it. Hated himself for not running, for not screaming, for just following two steps behind Jefferson. He didn't hesitate until they'd reached the familiar vehicle, and Alex stopped, one hand on the hood instead of going to stand by the passenger door.

Jefferson only shook his head. "I really don't want to make a phone call. Don't make me do something you'll regret."

Who it was that Jefferson was threatening to call, Alex wasn't sure. What he was sure of was that the man meant it when he said that Alex would regret it if he did make it, so he ducked his head and climbed into the car. Jefferson rewarded him with another one of those smiles, the ones that Alex knew looked good to anyone around them while still holding the promise of what was inevitably to come.

They'd barely made it off campus before Jefferson spoke again, "Off with that hoodie, and anything you've got under it too. I want to see what I'm going to be working with."

Alex didn't bother arguing, just pulled Aaron's sweatshirt off, followed by his own t-shirt, letting them drop in the back seat. All the better to make sure Jefferson didn't do anything to them. 

The man driving made a semi-disgusted sound. "How you manage to get uglier every time, I don't know. It's a real talent of yours."

There was no point in responding. If there was something Alex had learned from his previous interactions with the man, it was that he usually talked to hear himself talk. To break his monologue was to risk being lashed out at, much better to let him say his fill. Besides, he was trying to focus on calming his shaking, not liking the way his lack of jacket made the faint vibration all the more obvious.

"Don't worry so much, Love." Alex bit down on a wave of nausea at the pet name. "Do as you're supposed to and everything will be just fine."


	72. Chapter 72

Aaron was pretty sure he'd run at least two stop signs already. Also, relatively sure he didn't care because he had to get to Monticello, had to figure out what the fuck was going on. There were too many different things it could be and neither Alex or Madison had responded to his texts, and his head was swirling. He had zero idea what he was going to do if he got pulled over for speeding, other than possibly beg for the cop to follow him. 

Except it would probably be a bad idea to get the cops involved before he figured out what was happening. Especially if Alex was in the house with Jefferson willingly. It was on the more unlikely end, especially considering what he'd done the last time he'd gotten his hands on Alex, but there was the small chance that Alex was just using again. Or that Alex had gone to pick a fight. Either way, Aaron didn't want to risk doing anything that would end up with Alex in trouble with the law. The man could barely survive college, there was no way he'd make it in prison.

He'd never actually been to Monticello street before, but it was easy enough to find and he tried to calm himself before pulling up to the address that James had given him at the beginning of the year. At the time, he'd never figured that this would be when he had to actually pull it out. No, it had been given to him just in case he was ever interested in helping move product, back before Jefferson had accepted that he wasn't interested in dealing with drugs at all.

"I know you're in there, you piece of shit," Aaron snarled, banging on the door as loud as he could, uncaring if he made a scene.

The house belonged to a drug dealer anyway, the neighbors were probably more than used to people causing a commotion at all hours. Used to seeing strung out young men, as Alex had referred to himself so long ago, trying to score their next fix. It struck him that they'd probably seen Alex there plenty of times, in plenty of states, and never bothered to help him before and that only made Aaron hit the door harder,

When the door opened, it wasn't Jefferson that greeted him. Aaron's arm dropped from midair at the sight of Alex standing there. It had been less than five hours since he'd seen his boyfriend last but it might as well have been weeks. There was a curious sort of blankness on Alex's face, no shit eating grin- which was to be expected, but also no obvious fear or recognition of who he'd just opened the door on. Unwillingly, Aaron found himself looking down, forcing his gaze back to Alex's face at the sound of chuckling.

Jefferson dropped a possessive arm around Alex's shoulder, fingers casually brushing against one of the many lines he'd cut into the man's chest. "Well, if it isn't Aaron Burr. "

"Let him go." It wouldn't work, demanding it, but Aaron couldn't stop from trying, none the less.

How Jefferson managed to make a smile look so disturbing, Aaron wasn't sure. "See- that assumes I'm keeping him here against his will. Look-" Jefferson took a step backward, hands mockingly held palms out, "Why don't you ask him. You know you want to."

Alex couldn't be there willingly. Not looking like that. "Alex, sweetheart, why don't you step outside? Come home with me."

No. Alex wasn't there willingly, but obviously, something was keeping him there beyond the threat of physical violence because he tilted his head to look at Jefferson before shaking his head. Jefferson hummed in response, moving to take back his position, though this time he had a hand on each of Alex's shoulders, his chin resting on the top of Alex's head as he mocked Aaron.

"See, he doesn't want to come home. He wants to stay here. With me. That's a thing you should have realized before you meddled, Aaron. Different people need... a different approach."

Aaron balled his fists at his side, opening his mouth to retort, only to shut it again when Thomas tutted. Being chided wasn't usually enough to make him think twice, but he wasn't willing to push much harder, not while Jefferson was that close to Alex's throat.

"Madison always needed a more... careful approach. He liked to think himself in control. This one, though?" Jefferson's left hand lifted from Alex's shoulder and Aaron cringed when he realized Alex was lifting to his toes to lessen the strain the hold on his hair was causing. "This one know what he's worth. I could tell him to get on his knees and lick my boots right now, and he'd do it."

Suddenly Alex's desire to be told what to do seemed a lot less innocent and Aaron felt dirty for participating, for encouraging it. For reifying the very thing that was helping to keep Alex there, obviously in pain as he was stretched further and further, and still not fighting. He should have encouraged Alex to make his own decisions, trusted Alex to make his own decisions instead of insisting that he set the pace for everything. Maybe then Alex would have trusted himself enough not to just stand there and take it.

"You know what the sad thing is?" Jefferson was talking again, "I'd already thrown him away like trash, Aaron. He's boring, to be honest. But then... then you had to go and take what was mine and I couldn't let that slide. Of course, I could have gone after you directly. But he makes it so easy."

"I'll call the cops." Aaron said finally, trying to sound threatening even when he didn't feel it.

Jefferson only smiled, dropping the hold on Alex's hair. "Again, he's here of his own free will. And just how many people do you think are out there that will vouch for how rough he likes it? Even you must know the boy has a taste for pain."

There was a difference. There was a difference between what John had given Alex and what Jefferson was doing to him. But could Aaron really say the same for the others? For anyone else who Alex had been with? Aaron might not be Laurens biggest fan, but at least, he'd seen them together. Seen them laughing and joking, seen them roll on the floor throwing punches at one another, bloodied lips stretched into smiles. But when it wasn't John, who had Alex been with? And what had they done to him?

At his lack of response, Jefferson rolled his eyes. "I'm getting bored, Aaron. So we're going to go back inside now. Feel free to keep making a fuss though- the louder you get? The louder I'll make him scream."

Aaron stared helplessly as the door closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate that despite Thomas Jefferson literally being based off of people I knew- I'm still like 'Am I making him cartoonishly evil?'
> 
> On that note I have to go to therapy and that's going to be the most ... ridiculous conversation. 'Why are you upset?' 'I decided to trigger myself by writing Thomas Jefferson! Drug dealing rapist.'


	73. Chapter 73

The hand holding his hair released him, and Alex tried not to wince as he lowered himself back down to his heels again. Above him, Jefferson was talking, "Again, he's here of his own free will. And just how many people do you think are out there that will vouch for how rough he likes it? Even you must know the boy has a taste for pain."

Jefferson was right. He'd always been right. Besides, even if he didn't like it rough- the neighbors would line up to testify about the amount of times Alex had stood where Aaron stood, swearing and screaming. Jefferson had always hated those times when Alex managed to take just the right amount that his veins were singing and he felt ten feet tall. It'd never lasted long enough, and he always paid for his mouth later, but it'd always felt worth it in the moment. Who would believe that Jefferson... Who would believe him, when they'd seen him stand up to him before?

Who would believe him when Jefferson was all smiles in public? All controlling, guiding touches and low whispered threats until the door closed. Perfectly cultivating his image, and those he kept close to him so that no one would know what a sadist he was. The horror in Madison's face when he mentioned finally understanding that Alex hadn't wanted it flashed before his eyes. If Jefferson's right-hand man hadn't seen it, there wasn't a chance anyone else had. 

Aaron didn't respond, and the hand on his shoulder tightened, a sure sign that Jefferson wasn't pleased. "I'm getting bored, Aaron. So we're going to go back inside now. Feel free to keep making a fuss, though- the louder you get? The louder I'll make him scream."

The door closed.

There was no noise, no sound on the other side, not even a shuffling of shoes or the sound of movement that would imply that Aaron was leaving.

Alex wasn't sure whether or not that scared him. Whether or not he wanted Aaron to go. Aaron didn't need to listen to this, didn't need to hear what was going to happen. Alex didn't know if he'd be able to look the man in the eye again knowing he knew how pathetic Alex really was. But the idea of him leaving, and more terrifyingly, the idea of him leaving and not coming back...

"Awww, look at you, sweetheart. Still looking at the door as if he's going to come in." Jefferson was close, too close, but by the time it occurred to him to back away his back was already flush against the wall. "That's what he called you, wasn't it? Sweetheart? Is that how he treats you?"

Alex's eyes fluttered shut as he allowed Jefferson to further crowd his space, doing his best to keep his breath even and not react. Reacting never particularly helped his case. Better to just let it happen, to let Jefferson say what he wanted to. He could handle it, could take it. Had taken worse. And if he wanted to mock the idea of Aaron treating him with kindness? It wasn't as if Alex didn't know how undeserving he was of the other man's gentleness. Jefferson would have to dig a little further to say something shocking. Something that might actually hurt him.

A large thumb stroked along his throat, settling in the groove- not pressing, not yet. "Like you're something precious? How did it feel? To have someone fooled for that long? Or did he occupy your mouth so often you didn't have a chance to disappoint him?"

It had felt amazing. Part of him wanted to correct Jefferson's assumption, to let him know that Aaron had never tried to muzzle him. Had never demanded his silence, and that the one time he'd joked about it, it'd been just that- a joke. Aaron had never treated him poorly just because he had things to say that Aaron didn't approve of. Had only reacted with more kindness when Alex lashed out. That he wasn't sure when Aaron was going to realize how pathetic he was, but that didn't mean he'd been trying to hide it. Jefferson would hate that. The idea that Alex had been vulnerable to someone else, that he'd opened himself up and that Aaron had proven Jefferson wrong. That not everyone would see his bared throat as an invitation.

"-" He hadn't even managed to get a syllable out before the hand tightened it's grip, silencing him.

Jefferson tutted again, relaxing his hold on Alex just enough to allow labored breathing. "I don't remember giving you permission to talk. Though, I did promise lover boy out there that I could make you scream. Do you think he'd like that? Standing just on the other side of the door, fantasizing about what I'm doing to make you make such noises?"

Another tight squeeze of his throat. "How many times do you think he's thought about doing this? About making you shut up."

Cobwebs. 

Somewhere there was a child screaming. Or maybe that was himself he was hearing? No, that didn't seem right, one had to breathe to scream and his lungs were on fire. A strange image of Aaron holding a child struck him, the older man carefully cradling it in his arms as he rocked it to sleep. Did Aaron have siblings when he'd been growing up? Did he want kids? He'd be great with them. And they'd be grateful in return. It was an interesting train of thought to follow, but the cobwebs were calling him and Alex was so tired. Would it really be that bad of an idea to let the cobwebs take him?

They seemed so peaceful.

There was a loud crack as his knees hit the ground, and Alex spluttered, trying to draw in enough air. It was never enough. His chest was still heaving when Jefferson yanked him up by his hair, pulling him bodily from the floor before shoving him further into the living room. 

"I think it's about time we let him know what he's been missing." It was a snarl and Alex knew in the back recesses of his mind that he should have been scared.

But honestly, he was too tired for fear.


	74. Chapter 74

Aaron was still standing there when a large hand clapped him on the shoulder. "Sorry, Mon Ami. I take it he is in there?"

Before he could respond, Laurens had hit the steps as well, and Aaron averted his eyes before he nodded. It was better they were both there, they needed to be there. They were strong where he wasn't, and he'd known what he was doing when he'd sent the text to Lafayette earlier that evening. John, apparently oblivious to the fact that he was part of the reason Aaron had looked away, bent down so that he was looking at Aaron's face, eyebrow raised.

"You coming in with us?" Straightening, John rolled his shoulders backward. "Think the door is unlocked, Laf?"

It wasn't directed at him, but Aaron nodded anyway. "He's too cocky to think..."

He couldn't finish the sentence. It took enough out of him to admit that he'd been fucking standing there while who knew what was happening to Alex just out of reach. Thankfully John didn't look disgusted, and Lafayette wasn't even looking at him, eyes trained on the door. Whatever it was that was going on in that french head, Aaron wasn't sure, but he trusted them. Not with his own life, but they'd already proven what they were capable of when they thought Alex was being hurt- much less with the knowledge of it. Eventually, Lafayette turned to face them, and he and John exchanged a look.

"Mon Cheri, after you?" Lafayette held out his arm to allow the man to go in front of him.

Aaron watched as he twisted the handle, that same creepy smile on his face as he allowed John to entered the house first. It faltered slightly, and Aaron didn't understand the lack of motion- except then there was a hand jerking him forward and into the house as well. The nausea he'd felt earlier bubbled further in his throat as it sunk in exactly why they hadn't continued further.

Jefferson was nowhere to be seen though there was the sound running water that seemed to imply he was off in another part of the house taking a shower. Most likely washing the blood off of himself, and Aaron allowed himself to be shoved forward again. Lafayette and John exchanged another look, and then Lafayette was kneeling next to Alex.

"Little Burr, his legs if you don't mind?"

The quiet voice put him in motion, and he nodded as he did his best to support Alex's lower body, eyes glued on his chest to make sure that the boy was still breathing. Boy. Because that's what Alex looked like right now, chest bloodied. It didn't appear anything was particularly deep, and Aaron hated that he had to be grateful for that. Lafayette helped him get him into the front seat of Madison's car, pausing to check his pulse before humming.

"Might I suggest taking him back to your dorm? I do not think he would appreciate being questioned at the hospital." Lafayette waited for Aaron to nod before he continued, "Then I will leave you to that, Mon Ami. We will see you later?"

Once Aaron nodded, Lafayette reached down to gently stroke Alex's cheek before heading back toward the house. Aaron spared only the smallest of glances in the same direction before starting the engine. There was no point in dwelling there, especially on the unlikely chance that Jefferson was able to overpower the two. No. He owed it to Alex to get him as far away from that place as fast as possible.

What he was going to do when he got back to the dorm, Aaron had no idea. There was no way he'd be able to carry the other man into the building, not in the state he was in, not without raising questions. And Lafayette was probably right, Alex wouldn't appreciate waking up in a hospital. He couldn't stop himself from glancing over every few moments, doing his best to still drive safely and keep an eye on his boyfriend's breathing. To reassure himself that it was still happening, that he was still okay.

Or, as okay as one could be when a fucking sadistic possessive drug dealer decided to use their chest as a sharpening block. The initial lines that he'd seen had obviously been cleaned before Alex had answered the door, and he tried to tell himself that maybe these ones wouldn't look as bad once they were tended to. How he was going to get the tended to, he didn't know. But that problem seemed so far away. Right then all he could consider was getting back to his dorm.

Thankfully the parking lot was relatively clear, off-campus students having already left for the day and the number of on-campus with spots being small to begin with. He glanced around to make sure that no one was lingering nearby before turning the car off. There was a small noise from the seat next to him, and Aaron did his best to smile when he saw Alex blinking up at him.

He reached out to brush a strand of hair away from his face, before pulling back slightly. "I don't want to touch you right now, if you don't want me to. But you're safe now, okay? You're safe."

Alex nodded, and Aaron panicked at the expression of pain on the man's face. "I'd like to get you inside, okay? I can carry you if need be or help you walk. Whatever you need. I... I don't know what we're going to do about your lack of shirt... Maybe I can just give you mine?"

Aaron's rambling was cut off by a knock on the driver side door, and he swallowed before slowly turning around to see who was currently opening his door.

"You might want this," Mulligan said, expression blank as he held up a large shirt. 

Fuck. "How?"

"Lafayette texted me. It seems he's handling a situation, one I'm sure you'll tell me you know nothing about-" there was a brief flash of anger there, and then it was gone, "and has absolutely nothing to do with your roommate."

Aaron went to open his mouth, only for Mulligan to shake his head. "Talk less, Burr. You can make your excuses later, right now we need to take care of Alex."


	75. Chapter 75

There was arguing above him. Hushed, harsh voices going back and forth.

Every part of him felt heavy, felt used, but it wasn't until he tried to move that he'd realized how tight his chest felt. Alex dropped back on the bed with a soft thud, trying to bite back the urge to cry. It wouldn't help to cry. Had never helped to cry. The noise around him seemed to have stopped again and he cursed internally. Bringing attention to oneself wasn't exactly a great plan either. He was just... too tired to make a decent one.

On the periphery of his awareness, there was something almost touching him, hovering just close enough that he knew it was there, but not actually making contact with his face. That was strange. Jefferson never hesitated. No. He'd always done everything with fevered sureness.

"Alex?" That was his name, wasn't it? Alex nodded, freezing when the motion brought his forehead in contact with a small hand.

Too small to be Jefferson's, and he knew that voice. A name hovering somewhere just out of reach, but something in him unclenched and at that point, what did he have to lose? Alex lifted his head, barely, dropping it back against the bed. "Not Lap."

"We didn't want to move you too much," the disembodied voice was explaining, "Can you open your eyes?"

Oh.

He hadn't done that yet, had he?

The room was mostly dark, a lamp providing just enough light that he could make out Aaron's face as it peered down at him. Aaron. Aaron who had been standing at the door. Who had asked him to come home. Alex whimpered.

"If it's too much you can close your eyes again, " Aaron sounded so concerned. "Do you want me to stay sitting here? Or would you like the bed to yourself?"

No. Alex didn't want that. Didn't want to be left alone again. Didn't want Aaron to stop touching him like Jefferson swore he would. But the words felt heavy in his throat, and there was still so much that needed to be said.

But there would be time for that later. "Lap."

Aaron blinked a moment before nodding. "Can Hercules help move you?"

Alex twisted his head, for the first time seeing his RA. There was something that looked like blood on the man's shirt and it made Alex feel slightly hysterical to realize it was probably his. How many people knew what had happened? Who else knew about his shame? It was too late to stop Hercules from knowing, though, and so Alex nodded. Hercules swallowed before stepping forward, and Alex did his best to keep his face relaxed as the man lifted him up so that Aaron could shift under him. It wasn't the most comfortable position in the world, but rolling onto his side would probably be worse and Alex breathed out a sigh of relief when Hercules was able to step back.

A look was exchanged over his head, and it reminded him of the entire reason he'd woken up in the first place. How long had he been asleep? Had they been arguing that entire time?

Hercules was the next one to break the silence, eyes falling back on Alex. "If you're alright with it, I should probably go and check on something back in the dorm. I'll bring a better first aid kit when I come back, though?"

Alex nodded, trying to pretend he wasn't glad that the man was leaving. It was bad enough that Aaron had to see him in this state. Bad enough that Aaron had seen him at the house. But despite that Aaron was still here. Hadn't told him no when he asked to be put in the man's lap, was gently stroking his hair as if nothing had happened. No, perhaps not as if nothing had happened- it was far lighter than he usually favored. But as if it didn't change them.

Aaron waited until the door had shut before he spoke. "I'm sorry if we woke you. Hercules is... upset with me. But we should have waited to have that conversation."

"'s okay." Because really, it was. 

The part about waking him up, not the part about Hercules being upset with Aaron. Aaron had had enough people upset with him in the last few days, the last thing he needed was Hercules added to the list. 

"I'm sorry," Aaron spoke again, "That I couldn't... That I wasn't... This was all my fault."

Alex frowned. "Saved me."

Aaron only shook his head. "I didn't. I couldn't. Laurens and Lafayette... They're the ones..."

Oh.

That made four people now who had seen him like this. But that hadn't been what he'd meant anyway. Not really. 

"Wanted me to scream."

The body beneath him tensed and Alex waited to see if Aaron would jerk back at the reminder. But the hand in his hair didn't go away though it slowed considerably. Alex did his best to nuzzle back into the touch, to try and show Aaron it was okay. Because it was. Honestly. He still felt so tired and his chest hurt, but other than that, he was in better condition than he usually was when Jefferson got his hands on him. Not that Aaron had any way of knowing that.

It took him another moment to talk again. "I didn't."

Aaron's hand stroked his cheek and it belatedly occurred to him that he was crying. But the man still wasn't responding to what he was saying, so he tried again. "Didn't scream. Thought of you."

"Shhh," Aaron hushed him mindlessly, "We'll talk later okay. I'm just... so happy to have you back."

Part of him wanted to argue, wanted Aaron to acknowledge what he'd said. What he'd done. But the hand on his head was soothing and Aaron was murmuring, a quiet string of promises that he couldn't quite make out. It seemed silly to keep exerting energy keeping his eyes open, considering. 


	76. Chapter 76

When the door opened, Aaron didn't look up. After all, it was probably Hercules coming back with ointment and more bandages, and Aaron wasn't interested in round two of their arguing. They'd already managed to upset Alex once, and it wasn't as if Aaron was defending himself. Just- Alex. Alex's right to privacy. Alex's right to control who knew what about him. Something Hercules didn't agree with.

However, two sets of feet entered his periphery, and when he saw who it was, he had to raise his hand to cover his mouth. James quirked an eyebrow and then winced from the effort it, and Aaron watched as he gingerly sat down on his own bed. It hadn't even occurred to him to be worried about why Madison hadn't texted him back after the initial 911 texts, especially once he'd shown up at Monticello and found Alex there.

Hercules saved him from having to ask what happened. "I got a text from Peggy saying one of the boys in her dorm came in looking like he'd gotten the shit beat out of him. She asked if I'd be willing to come and talk to him like I did Laurens a while back. She worries that guys won't open up to a girl about losing a fight."

Madison rolled his eyes at the comment about losing the fight but apparently the swelling in his face kept him from actually rebuking Mulligan.

"I got him to give a basic written statement, but he didn't really say much beyond 'oughta see Lee' and no explanation as to who that is. Whether because I'm a mandated reporter, or because both of you idiots seem to think I don't know Jefferson's goddamn runners- I'm not sure. Of course, without a first name, I can't really pursue that lead officially, can I?"

"Lower your voice." Aaron snapped as quietly as he could, trying to be mindful of the boy in his lap.

Hercules' face softened. "I know you said you were pretty sure he'd already stopped bleeding, but we're going to have to wake him up to clean his chest up."

"I don't want to."

It was selfish, entirely selfish, but he didn't want to wake up Alex. He definitely didn't want to remove the shirt they had gotten on him. Hercules had wrapped his chest when he'd first come in, muttering the whole time about how irresponsible Aaron was for not having a proper first aid kit. That had turned into him questioning Aaron about what else he hadn't told him and then... Then Alex had woken up. And it'd been so clear that the man was trying to talk to him, trying to say something, but it had mostly been disjointed and nonsensical and eventually he'd had to just stroke the man's hair and try to get him back to sleep.

The other man rubbed at his face. "Want to or not- it's happening. You really don't want any of those to get infected, do you?"

Stubbornly, Aaron refused to help, just kept stroking Alex's hair and watching his face as Hercules unbuttoned the shirt. Where he'd learned first aid, Aaron wasn't sure, but his hands were steady as he unwound the now red bandage, and Aaron did at least help support Alex's shoulder so that he could get it off. It took three wipes to get his chest clean, and when he heard Mulligan swear, Aaron redoubled on his commitment to only looking at Alex's face. Other than the occasional flinch, the man didn't seem like he was going to wake up, but Aaron wanted to make sure that he knew the moment he did if so.

It seemed to take forever for Hercules to apply the ointment and bandages again, and the longer it took, the more pain become evident on Alex' face. He almost considered telling Mulligan to leave it be, to finish it up later, but the man would only rebuke him for the sentiment. It was probably for the best, anyway, to let him finish. To get it over with before Alex woke up if possible.

When he was finally through, Hercules rebuttoned the shirt around Alex's chest before standing and taking a step back. This time when he spoke, his voice was low. "You should have told me."

"It wasn't my place to tell you," Aaron stated for what felt like the fifth time that night.

"No, tonight. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have had to find out from Laf that one of my floor kids was about to show up carved like turkey. I know we aren't friends but I thought we were closer than that. " Mulligan appeared to actually be... hurt that he'd reached out to Lafayette instead of him.

Aaron gave a half-hearted shrug. "I didn't have that much time to text and... look, being kidnapped by Laurens kind of changed my perspective when it comes to Alex's scariest friends."

Hercules didn't look convinced. "Look. Alex is going to need us. All of us. In the upcoming... while. I just need to know you see me as Alex's friend before you see me as his RA. The last thing I need is you not telling me shit because you're afraid I'm going to report him."

"That wasn't it. Though, I will admit- Lafayette's complete lack of interest in following the law did help along my decision." Because no matter how much Mulligan said he was Alex's friend, he also had to worry about his job. There were only so many times the man could turn his head on things.

"Just," Hercules started and the stopped, "You'll text me when he wakes up?"

Aaron nodded, watching the door quietly as Mulligan finally made his exit. As much as he was glad that the man was giving them space, it unfortunately brought his attention back to the other person in the room. Madison was still sitting up on his bed, eyes glued on Alex's face, worry clear even through the swelling.

"Hey," Aaron said after a long moment, waiting for James to look up before he finished, "Thank you. You did a good thing." 


	77. Chapter 77

"You should be in bed." 

Alex puffed out his cheeks. "You should be quiet."

"Let's rephrase that, Burr is going to kill us when he gets back in here and sees you seated at a desk instead of horizontal in bed." Laurens said, propping himself up on the corner of said desk.

"Less than a month ago you seemed pretty certain you could take him in a fight, " Alex complained, well aware he was being petty.

But well, he'd been lying in bed since they'd come and gotten him and really, his chest would be fine. He just needed to make sure he didn't move too much, too fast. Other than that, it didn't particularly hurt any worse sitting up than lying down and he was tired of lying down. Alex stole a look at the empty bed on the other side of the room before leaning over again, mindful not to press against the wood as he continued to draw hearts on the paper he'd made Lafayette get him.

"It's not my fault he's so fragile!" And then, apparently realizing he was being defensive again, he exhaled slowly. "I've apologized. He's accepted. I wouldn't fight back because I agree. You need to be in bed."

"Mon Cheri." Alex looked up, then, but it appeared that Lafayette was addressing Laurens there. "Bed rest has never done the soul well. Let Little Alex be."

Alex sat down his pen so that he could grab a pink marker off the desk. "Thanks Laf."

"How long till Burr gets back anyway?" John, displeased at not being supported, had moved from the desk to flop across Madison's bed. "Not that I don't love you, man. Cause I do. But I've still got energy to burn off from yesterday."

"One would think-" That was Aaron, and Alex cringed because he hadn't heard the door opening. "That you wouldn't have any more energy after yesterday. Or is that your way of confirming my first impression about you?"

"That depends," Laurens sounded more amused than not, something that pleased Alex greatly, "What was your first impression of me?"

Aaron's voice was closer this time when he spoke, but Alex pointedly didn't turn around to look at him. "That you get a boner from violence. In which case, please go fuck your boyfriend elsewhere while I try and convince mine to get in bed."

"Little Burr," Lafayette said cheerfully, "Perhaps you wouldn't have such a problem with that if you intended to do the same."

There was a sound behind Alex, something that suspiciously like someone hitting someone else in the arm or perhaps the back of the head, but Alex continued to color. Much better to show Aaron that he could take care of himself, that he could be up and limit his movements on his own. Hushed voices discussed something he couldn't quite catch, and then there were dual voices calling out at him to take care of himself before the door closed again.

For his part, Aaron didn't immediately start in on a chiding lecture, though he did pluck the paper off the desk without asking Alex for permission. He still needed to fold it in half, but it was the beginning of a card for Madison. In his opinion, James looked worse off than he did- but no one had tried to stop him from attending classes that morning. No, that privilege belonged solely to Alex who had been informed that his teachers were aware of his 'sudden bout of vomiting'. Hercules had even been the one to email them, apologetic and as sincere as possible- to increase the credibility of the claim. 

"You know Madison would probably like this more if you weren't covering it in bright pink hearts," Burr said dryly.

Which was probably true, but Alex didn't care. "One day he'll accept my love. We'll be friends if it's the last thing I do." 

"I'd say you already are." It was a serious statement, and Alex finally looked up when Aaron reached out to stroke his hair. 

Alex swallowed. As much as he wanted to continue to joke, he still didn't know what had happened, and considering Aaron wasn't shooing him into bed yet, this was probably his best chance at getting some answers. "What happened to him?"

"To my knowledge," Aaron paused, glancing to the side, most likely trying to remember what he could, "Charles and another student jumped Madison. As you saw he was... not in great shape and the other guy had walked off when Lee decided it would be a great idea to taunt James with... what was probably happening to you. He texted me as soon as he could and well, you know the rest."

There was a window in Burr's dorm, and Alex caught himself trying to peer out through the blinds, to see what time of day it was. Probably late, considering Aaron had made it back. Everything seemed so long ago. "I really don't though. I know... Obviously they did something. But-"

He wasn't really sure where that sentence was going. But what exactly? But how do we know he won't come after me again? But why? The last wasn't worth asking, not really. Jefferson had always been a strange mix of insulting and possessive, had always been strangely fond of Madison. It'd probably been driving him crazy to know that his favorite toy had left him over last week's trash. Alex fiddled with the marker cap, trying not to feel like it was all his fault.

"From the strange bits of conversation that I managed to catch... I'd say you don't have to worry about Jefferson anymore. John was pissed that Lafayette stopped him from actually cutting off his dick but honestly, Lafayette's final move of forcing him to snort coke before calling the cops to report an erratic drug user on the street..." Aaron sounded a mixture of bewildered and impressed as he continued to tell the story. "I'd say don't let me ever get on their bad side, but well, we've been there. Last I heard Thomas was involuntarily committed and I get a strange feeling that no one is going to believe him if he tries to explain what actually happened. Might keep him there a little longer to say the least."

That was that then. Strangely, it didn't make him feel any safer, like he'd been hoping it would. "Thank you for telling me."

Aaron nodded, lips tightening at the edges slightly, though Alex wasn't sure why. "I'm not going to make you go to bed, but I am going to go lie down myself and... I'd really like it if you joined me or took Madison's bed."

It took Alex a few minutes to follow, and from there it took him physically moving Aaron's arm around his waist to make him settle there, but at least he didn't pull away. Alex would take that for now.


	78. Chapter 78

The silence that settled over them wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but Aaron couldn't bring himself to relax and if the tension in Alex's shoulder's meant anything, he couldn't either. It was a disconcerting thought. He had no idea how long Alex had been up and about while Lafayette and Laurens watched over him, what he did know was that Alex needed to rest. To let himself heal. Something Alex seemed uninterested in allowing his body to do.

Aaron couldn't argue on the fact that he did sound better than the previous night, but that hadn't exactly taken much. Petulant as he might have sounded, as child-like, at least there'd never been a second guess about whether or not Alex realized where he was. That he knew what he was saying and not just babbling incoherently to fill the silence. The quiet had never sat quite right with Alex.

Which was why it shouldn't have startled him when his boyfriend spoke. "He was brave."

"Hm?" It was more a noise than a word.

"Madison. He was brave." Alex repeated himself and Aaron pressed a kiss to the top of his hair, thinking about the card the boy had been drawing for James. It was ridiculous, really, how childlike Alex could be when he wanted to- especially after everything he'd been through. Large bubble letters declared that his roommate should get well soon, and the entire thing was covered in hearts and what appeared to be Alex's attempt at drawing bees. At some point, Madison must have made a dog joke to Alex's face, because instead of a signature, at the bottom in handwriting that bordered on illegible was another heart followed by 'your favorite mutt.'

Displeased with his lack of response, Alex spoke up again, "He was brave for leaving. For... everything."

At this point, it'd be ridiculous for him to disagree with that sentiment though Aaron wasn't sure why Alex was so determined to keep the focus off of himself. "You were brave too."

Much braver, Aaron would argue. There was no way he'd ever understand what all went on in that house, but he was starting to get the picture that even if Madison had been held higher in Jefferson's regard than Alex- it probably wasn't a very equal or healthy friendship. Jefferson didn't exactly strike him as the type to treat anyone around him well. But without further input from James, Aaron had no interest in trying to guess how that all played out.

"He left by himself. " Alex was talking again, and it wasn't until he finished his sentence that Aaron understood what he meant. "I had you."

That was true. Even if Aaron hadn't realized what it meant for him to try and help Alex get sober in the beginning, Alex had had someone there for him pretty much constantly since the beginning. Someone to occupy his attention, if nothing else, but more than that- someone willing to show him kindness. Madison had come home from punching his ex-best friend in the face only to get rejected again back at the dorm. And yet Madison hadn't gone back. Hadn't even complained when Aaron occasionally compared him to Jefferson. He probably owed the man an apology for that one.

"You still do." Unconsciously he tightened his hold around Alex's waist. "And so long as you keep your mind out of the gutter- I have no problem saying he has us too."

Whatever that meant. Madison seemed to both want their friendship and nothing to do with them. Or more specifically, nothing to do with Alex most of the time. Part of Aaron wondered if James' unease with Alex's behavior was a general issue against PDA and whether or not it had anything to do with what the man had seen of Jefferson and Alex. It couldn't have been a pretty picture. Probably hadn't been easy to swallow even when operating under the idea that Alex was consenting- not if Jefferson's obsession with screaming was any indication. 

That wasn't a pleasant train of thought, though, and Aaron tried to force his attention back to the warm body pressed against his. If Alex wanted them all to be friends? He'd do it. It couldn't be any worse than playing nice with the Sociopathic Duo after all, and he'd done a decent job of that so far. Laurens had even apologized, in his own round-a-bout way and their exchange earlier had almost been teasing.

"Does that mean you're going to be nice to him?"

No, Aaron planned to be mean to the man who was the reason he'd known Alex was missing in the first place, much less get to him as quickly as they had. Besides, even before that, he and Madison had begun to make amends. If only through their mutual teasing of Alex. He shook his head, trying to clear away the snarky responses. It had to have been a side effect of being around Alex for too long.

Aaron hummed for a moment, enjoying the way it made Alex wiggle in response, obviously anxious for a response. "I don't think he likes being invited to threesomes. Are you going to be nice to him?"

Alex's sigh was over dramatic. "I guess I'll have to edit the part out of my card where I say once he gets better he should bee mine."

Aaron didn't remember seeing that part, but that didn't mean it wasn't there. "You do know it isn't February right? You missed your opportunity for cheesy valentine's day messages."

"Since we missed valentines' day can we do something ridiculous like celebrate our one month anniversary of friendship?" Alex asked, "Because I totally vote we bake a cake and have candles."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A list of questions I have had to ask myself in the process of writing this fic
> 
> 'Am I accidentally writing daddy kink fic?'
> 
> 'Am I accidentally writing pet play fic?'
> 
> 'Fuck am I accidentally writing Burr/Alex/Madison?'
> 
> I just  
> Alex is a smol bean.  
> whowouldmuchratherwrapotherpeopleupinblanketsthanletburrwraphimup. thoughhe'salsooccasionallyafanofthat
> 
> (... chapter is a tiny tiny bit short but I'm brain dead and I don't think waking up in the morning is actually going to help here.)


	79. Chapter 79

The sound of the tube hitting the tile echoed in the bathroom and Alex knew he should bend down to pick the ointment back up. Knew he should walk away and go get Laurens from Aaron's room. Get him to finish cleaning up his chest or even just abandon the task altogether and lay down.

Instead, he stayed standing there, staring at himself in the mirror as time ticked past him, focus zeroed in past dozens of angry bits of puckered flesh to a relatively unmarked spot on his right hip- if not for four lines there.

Four lines.

Two letters.

That would almost definitely scar.

Fingers dug into the sink as he resisted the urge to scratch at the scab. It'd only make it worse, he knew that. But knowing didn't make it any easier to resist clawing at his own flesh, and maybe, just maybe, his nails would be able to make it into something else.

Better a bloodied mess of scars than a mark of ownership.

A knock on the door startled him, but he didn't move, didn't say anything. Couldn't bring himself to, wasn't sure if he opened his mouth if anything but a sob would come out. Alex pressed his forehead against the mirror, uncaring of the twinges of pain as his skin folded to allow it. Let whoever it was out there wait. The door was locked and there were other bathrooms on the hall. 

The knock came again, and then Aaron's voice, "John said you were in here. Can you at least respond so that I know you're conscious? I don't want to have to get an RA to open the door."

It wasn't a threat but a plea and Alex puffed out his cheeks before nodding. Aaron had probably already seen it after all.  
Alex forced himself to stand, breathing deeply to ignoring the smarting skin as he walked to unlock the bathroom door. Thankfully Aaron was the only one there when the door opened, no passerby to question the state of his chest, no John to feel guilty over. Just Aaron, coming in and locking the door behind him, eyes trained on Alex's face. As if to give him privacy. To be respectful. Or just to avoid seeing what Jefferson had done. So that he didn't have to be reminded how damaged Alex was.

Alex shifted, anxious.

"John said you'd been in here awhile, want to talk about what's taking so long?" Aaron said as he sat down on the closed toilet, doing his best to look casual.

The worst part was knowing that unless Aaron's class had gotten out early, Alex had been in the bathroom for over an hour. Had John sat outside the whole time waiting for him to come out? Had they even been positive he was actually in there? John hadn't followed him to the bathroom, just nodded when he grabbed the stuff and said he was going to go try and rewrap the wounds. He could have just as easily slipped out of the dorm entirely.

Aaron was still looking at his face, still waiting for a response, and Alex swallowed. "Sorry."

"You've done nothing wrong. We're just worried about you, Alex." Alex. Not sweetheart or princess or any of the other ridiculous pet names Burr had taken to calling him.

"I just..." Alex frowned. "Couldn't do it."

Aaron didn't ask what it was he couldn't do, just nodded. "That's okay. Do you want to go back to the room?"

Yes. But he couldn't, not until he got his chest wrapped back up. "Can't. Need to finish... taking care of it."

"We can get Hercules to-" Aaron looked up when he stopped, still not looking at Alex when he finished his thought, "tend to everything again. Okay? He's the one who dressed them originally, and at this point, I'm pretty sure the man was a boy scout or something. Just put your shirt back on and we can go."

Oh. So Aaron had noticed. "You don't want to look at me."

Aaron sighed. "You didn't want me to see when you were bruised and I pushed it.  Besides, Mulligan really is better at wound care than I am."

"You didn't-"

But he stopped because it wasn't as if he could really say that Aaron hadn't pushed him. It just felt like so long ago that that had all happened. And really, it had all played out for the better, hadn't it? Alex letting Aaron see what had happened. It had caused him so much anxiety at the time, but Aaron hadn't broken his trust and had done his best to not treat Alex like he was broken. They'd even played ball with Hercules that weekend, he'd gotten to meet Angelica, and that had been the first time that Aaron had said he liked him. 

Aaron shifted his gaze from the ceiling back to Alex's face again. "Come on, if you put your shirt back on you can go bug Madison. He's back in from classes and his lip is still too swollen for him to tell you to fuck off."

Alex twitched for a moment, trying to figure out how sincere Aaron's comment was before taking his shirt from the sink. If Aaron hadn't seen the mark yet, then all the better and Herc had definitely already seen everything. Better to go to him if he wasn't able to do it himself.

"Do you think Mads will let me sit on his bed and watch movies if I promise not to lay on him?"

The fondness in Aaron's exasperated look made him feel marginally better. "I think right now he probably wouldn't push you off even if you did."

"Only cause you'd fuss at him if he did."

Aaron gave half a shrug as he helped gather the ointment and bandages that Alex had brought to the bathroom, following him out the door once Alex stepped into the hall. "I think you've grown on him more than he'd like to admit. He's still got the card you gave him last night on his desk."

 


	80. Chapter 80

Friday wasn't coming fast enough.

Aaron stared blankly at the board of the last class of the day, trying to convince himself that it was alright. Alex had been determined to go to his own classes that morning, despite the fact that they hadn't gone and gotten him a new phone yet. Which meant that they couldn't touch base throughout the day and even though he knew that there was no way Jefferson was out of the hospital yet- it didn't make him feel particularly comfortable.

Neither had the idea of ordering Alex to stay in the dorm. Even when Alex had crossed his arms and had said that if Aaron told him to stay, he would. No. Aaron needed to encourage Alex to make his own choices. 

There was a sudden rush of movement around him and Aaron shoved his own things in his bag, trying not to feel too badly about the fact he hadn't caught any of the last fifteen or so minutes of class. Last he checked he still had an A in the class and there were at least three people who would probably hand over their notes if asked- so he wouldn't worry too much about it. Not yet anyway. Hopefully, it'd be easier to focus when Alex had a phone again and he could be sure that the man was safe.

It was weird, seeing the signs of spring all around campus. Weirder yet to think about how cold it had been when he first met Alex. They still needed to figure out what was happening over the summer. Aaron had no right to demand that Alex stay with him, but he also had the vague suspicion the man didn't have anywhere else to go, and especially with everything that had happened...

That was a thought for another time. When things were more stable and it wouldn't trigger any more insecurity in Alex.

The sight that greeted him when he opened the door to his room made him double take for two reasons. One, Alex should have been in class. Two, when he'd said yesterday that Madison probably wouldn't shove him off if he sat on him, he hadn't expected Alex to actually test out the theory. Yet there they were, in all their glory, Alex's head on Madison's chest and one of Madison's arms around his shoulder as they watched what was most likely a ridiculous gay romcom.

Alex had a thing about gay romcoms. The cheesier the better. He considered them to be their own form of art and  liked to complain that Aaron didn't appreciate them enough. Though, maybe if Madison liked them, Aaron would be off the hook. 

James gave a slight shrug when he realized that Aaron was staring, and the motion was enough to get Alex's attention, who smiled and waved but otherwise made no move to get off of Madison. Aaron tried to decide whether or not he was bothered by the fact that they seemed so unbothered to have been caught cuddling, before giving up on the notion. It was more strange than jealousy-provoking, almost to the point that Aaron was concerned that James might have gotten his hands on painkillers.

That was none of his business, though. He had his hands full of enough with Alex's continued sobriety with actually trying to be the patron saint of addicts. "How were classes?"

The guilty expression he'd expected when Alex noticed him suddenly appeared. "I uh... Didn't go."

Aaron blinked. "What do you mean you didn't go? Laurens said he was going to walk you to class this morning."

More than that, Laurens had texted him to let him know that Alex had gotten there and it didn't seem likely that the man would lie about that.

Alex shrugged, looking uneasy. "I left early and didn't go to any of the others."

"I thought you wanted to go to classes, Alex?"

It wasn't that he was judging the other man, but Alex had been the one who had been so determined that he needed to get back out there. That sitting around the dorm was driving him crazy and why wouldn't anyone trust him on his own tolerance.

There was a brief flash of discomfort on James' face when Alex went to tilt his head back without remembering the body behind him, and then Alex was pushing himself to sit up properly. "I got freaked out. That's all."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Aaron felt like he'd been saying that a lot these days, and pretty much every time he'd gotten shut down or a half answer, and this time, didn't appear to be any different. And Madison had to be loopy from some sort of opiate-related substance because Aaron found himself on the receiving end of a glare. As if somehow asking Alex if he wanted to talk about the reason he'd stayed back from classes was offensive. Or possibly that he was bothered by the sudden lack of Alex in his lap.

Alex took another moment before clambering down off the bed entirely. "I need to see Herc."

That was concerning. Had something torn on Alex's chest? Or was it just that he wanted to talk to the man. Either way, it probably wasn't in his best interest right now to press the subject. "Okay. You can do that."

Apparently he was missing something because Alex frowned. Seconds ticked by around them, too long to be a natural pause and then finally, "Please don't make me ask for you to come with me."

Oh. 

Aaron nodded, leaning down to pick up the backpack that he'd dropped when coming in. "I'll work on homework in your room, if that's alright?"

"Thank you." Alex gave a final wave toward Madison, who inclined his head before they disappeared out the door. 

 


	81. Chapter 81

Hercules' hands on his chest were sure and confident.

Which meant that he really, really deserved a gold medal in restraint for not making a joke about being half naked in his RA's room. Instead, Alex laid back, head against the pillow as he bit back another comment about thinking about England. Herc wouldn't appreciate it if he made this sexual and he really couldn't risk being turned away the next time he needed a bandage change. When push came to shove there was always John, he'd never had a problem before wrapping things up on the occasions that they played too hard. Alex wasn't sure what he was more afraid of when it came to Laurens though- a potential look of disgust or the possibility that it wouldn't be there at all.

That Laurens would look at him the same way he always did after a fight, fingers gentle against the marks on his skin. Eyes dark with possessive lust as he stroked the bruises he'd left and kissed Alex until both their mouths were bloody. One thing to enjoy the sight of his handiwork, that Alex had never minded. After all, Alex enjoyed peppering kisses along the darkened skin he created. There was a certain kind of satisfaction in remembering the ways they could take one another apart, and John had always been excellent at making him forget his own name. 

Of course, it was another thing entirely to just enjoy the sight of Alex hurt.

And well, if it was that? Alex would rather not know entirely. So best to behave for Herc, to not arch his back or claim that this was a fantasy come true. Besides, there were actual matters to discuss, even if it did feel strange to be stringing together coherent thoughts with someone's face so close that he could feel hot breath against his stomach.

After Herc placed the final bandage on him, Alex finally found the nerve to speak, "Someone's courting Madison."

Herc blinked up at him, confusion evident. "Good for him? I hope he's happy with... whoever."

Alex resisted the urge to roll his eyes, wondered how far he was going to have to spell this out. "I don't mean date, Herc."

Maybe it was the frustration in his voice, maybe it was the evasiveness of the statement, but it only took Hercules a few long moments for his eyebrows to raise in question. "How do you know?"

"He told me." 

Not exactly, not in so many words. But explaining would take too much time and energy and Alex didn't exactly have all the pieces. Talking drug trade with Herc was uncomfortable as was, going against months of careful avoidance.

Hercules rubbed at his face, looking tired. "Do you know who?"

"Whoever it is probably knew pretty soon after Mads stopped running for..." Alex trailed off, picking back up again at a later point in the sentence, "But they didn't make a move till now, I don't think. Someone's making a play after his territory, probably, while he's gone."

It would have been hard to have been in the business and not been aware when Jefferson and Madison had fallen out. It wasn't exactly every day that the man walked around campus with a black eye, or that someone like Madison stopped responding to calls. The same way there was without a doubt people out there right at that moment searching to fill the void where Jefferson or any of his people's numbers had been- there had been people back then too, whispering to one another, looking for a new source. No such thing as a quiet exit for most dealers. At least not the ones who had proven to be reliable up until that point.

But whoever it was hadn't acted immediately, probably hadn't seen a point. While there were certainly some people who would follow a specific contact person, whether because of trust or ease of schedule- Jefferson had a comfortably sized network. One middle man out of his collection was nothing- there was always someone else to turn to with the knowledge they'd have the same quality supply. But with the supplier himself gone? The desire to pick out those who had been good at not getting caught, those who had no issue handling situations as they arose- well, that desire had obviously eclipsed the possible wrath of Jefferson when he got out.

Alex accepted the shirt that Hercules handed him, pulling it on as efficiently as he could without disturbing the fresh bandages. Part of him wanted to keep talking, to fill the silence, but something in the other man's expression made him pause. 

"It doesn't end, does it?" Herc finally asked. "You get rid of one and three more pop up to fill the space?"

Dealers would always be a dime a dozen, but that didn't mean Hercules should minimize what Lafayette and Laurens had accomplished. "They aren't all like him. Most of them are just... trying to make money to get by."

"But you're worried about Madison." Not a question, a statement.

Madison who had panicked when he thought Alex had taken too much. Who had bitched about Aaron and Thomas but rarely said anything more. Who had driven Alex home, given him pills to make him feel better, who considered his sexuality a defense mechanism. Who still threatened to choke him on occasion but didn't raise a hand when Alex launched himself at him. Who told him to fuck off or complained about how weird he and Aaron were more often than he said kind words. Who held his hand and made jokes about him not being able to take care of himself.

Who had been staring at that pill in his hand like it might kill him- whether he took it or not. Who had looked so relieved when Alex threw them away. Hadn't even put up the illusion of a fight in regards to the matter. Who hadn't complained one bit about Alex's talking through the movie- even when he did reveal that the love story the old guy was telling was fake half way through the movie. Had even helped pick out the next one, or at the very least had been assed to point at one of the ones that Alex brought up on the screen. Who hadn't pulled away when Aaron came into the room. 

Alex's mouth was dry. "I just worry..."

Hercules didn't comment on the trail off itself, just sighed, reaching over to pull Alex into a gentle hug. "Alex, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6000070 is a lovely insert fic by goingbadly about our favorite sociopathic couple- largely surrounding the lead up to when Alex was taken.
> 
> Honestly, goingbadly probably has zero idea how close we are to my birthday but as someone who doesn't actually celebrate birthdays- I'm still considering this a fucking gift because hot damn.
> 
> http://writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle.tumblr.com/post/139269269141/please-write-madisons-perspective-hes-such-an   
> is an insert fic written from Madison's perspective about the events leading up to ch 80.
> 
> it might make a few comments from this chapter make more sense.


	82. Chapter 82

[From: French Fuck  
5:30 PM

Anything for my littles!]

Burr groaned, instantly regretting it when Alex lifted his head to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"I thought you'd gone to sleep," he murmured, reaching up with his free hand to stroke Alex's hair.

It'd been a long day, for both of them. He'd made the mistake of asking if Alex was going to classes that morning and the resulting argument hadn't been pretty. The worst part was that Aaron hadn't been angling for a fight, and if Alex hadn't of immediately jumped down his throat- had been about to say that if he wasn't, that he could come with Aaron to his. There were times over the last couple of days that he felt like they'd lost all progress. Alex spinning wildly between not wanting to be touched, not wanting to be comforted and then all but trying to climb into other people's skin- with little warning as to which mood he was in.

Their fight had woken up Madison, who had in turn thrown a pillow at him while snapping that he had a headache, how there was no way that he was going to class, and how Burr should just fuck off so that he and Alex could go back to sleep. It'd been the most he'd said at one time since everything happened. Aaron had almost protested, especially considering the mood Alex had been in and Madison's general tolerance level - but he had already been running late and the pair had been getting along better lately.

Which honestly, was still a mystery to Aaron. Hero worship was one thing, especially considering it was Alex, but Madison's sudden swing from 'tentatively not hating Alex' to Aaron literally coming back from classes to find the pair taking a nap together was bewildering in more ways than one. 

A puff of air hit Aaron's chin, and he blinked, before realizing that Alex was still waiting for an answer. "I asked Lafayette if he'd be willing to get the ice cream you wanted."

At least that earned him a smile. "When's he coming?"

"I love the fact that you assume he was willing." Though, of course, he had been. Alex would have to ask for a lot more than ice cream for Lafayette to turn him down. For now, Alex could have asked for anything short of the world and expected them all to scramble to make it happen. 

Alex rubbed his cheek against Aaron's chest. "You wouldn't have told me if he wasn't."

True. It would have been a bad idea to bring up sugary treats to Alex when he wasn't going to get any. They'd almost fallen back into a comfortable silence when Alex perked up again. "Why'd you groan, though? Ice cream isn't something to groan over."

Of course Alex would pick up on that. "I just don't appreciate him calling me little."

Especially when he was referring to both of them as littles. There was something creepy about it, in Aaron's opinion. A bit too familiar. Possessive, even. Both things that Lafayette had no right to be.

"You're bigger than me," Alex said after a moment and Aaron pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

That wasn't his issue though it was sweet of Alex to try and reassure him. Not that it was much in the way of reassurances, they were both on the shorter side, and the only reason Aaron was able to so easily move Alex around half the time was his weight- not some startling height advantage.

"I could tell him to stop?" Alex tried again.

Aaron had the distinct feeling that telling Lafayette to stop would only make the man come up with new, more creative ways to make him feel uncomfortable. "It's not that big of a deal, really."

There was a buzzing, and Aaron pulled out his phone again. "That's him. Apparently Laurens is in a study group, so someone needs to let him in. Do you want to go down or do you need me to come with?"

It was a risk asking at all, considering their argument that morning, but Aaron also didn't want Alex to feel like he had to go alone. It wasn't silly and they weren't trying to patronize him when they offered to do things with him, and by the same coin, he hadn't been trying to police Alex's behavior when he'd asked about classes that morning. Everyone was just... concerned. And they had every reason to be considering the events earlier that week.

But the body on top of his didn't stiffen as it had that morning. Instead Alex kissed his chest before rolling off. Aaron did his best to watch for any cringing or outward signs of pain, was relieved to not notice any and still way that Alex was trying to hide what he was feeling. Hercules said that he thought everything was healing pretty well, that nothing seemed to be infected but they were far from in clear just yet. Especially, he'd warned, once they started itching.

"It's just downstairs. I can do it on my own."

If Alex's voiced sounded just a bit unsure, it wasn't Aaron's place to comment. Even when Madison rolled over in his bed to give him a look as the door closed.

"He's just going downstairs. That's all. He won't be leaving the building at all." Madison didn't respond. "I can't tell him what to do. We've got to respect it when he makes his own choices."

Silence.

"He's probably in the lobby now, with Frenchie. They're probably hugging or something."

Silence.

"What do you want me to do, James? Boss him around for his own good? Refuse to let him out of my sight? Put him on a leash?"

Silence.

"Who are you to judge the way I treat my boyfriend, anyway?"

Madison looked away, toward the door. "His friend." And then, after a pause, "You didn't seem to have a problem bossing him around before."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you aren't following me on tumblr- you probs missed where goingbadly did some lovely lil drawings for non stop. http://goingbadly.tumblr.com/post/139331210511/hey-writelikeitsgoingoutofstyle-u-remember-how-u
> 
> I am... not the organized type. But I am doing my best to put together a tag on my blog- that you can go click (it's the Like Non Stop?' thing currently.) That will lead you to like the aka's I occasionally throw up for chapters, fan art that's been drawn, play lists people have put together and all that really cool stuff y'all have done- as well as when I put up poetry/songs that remind me of various characters in non stop.


	83. Chapter 83

It was barely noon on Saturday when Madison stood up from his desk, stretching lazily. "I'm going grocery shopping. You coming with, Hamilton?"

Alex frowned, glancing towards Aaron who kept his face in the book he'd been reading. Either they'd talk about this last night while he went to get Laf or they'd gotten into an argument and Aaron wasn't surprised to be cut out of the offer. Or perhaps it was just something they'd prearranged after last time. That was a conversation Alex could imagine going down, 'since you and your boyfriend seem to think the grocery store is an appropriate place for foreplay I'm only taking one of you at a time from now.' Alex couldn't even really blame him if so. 

"I have a first name, you know," He muttered as he got up. It wasn't how he'd originally planned to spend his afternoon, but it was better than sitting in the dorm.

They'd made it out of the room before Madison responded, and Alex couldn't help but wonder if that was intentional. "Is it Mutt?"

"If that's what you're into." Came out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

Really, it wasn't fair that Madison expected to be able to tease him about being a dog, and not get a response like that. But still, Aaron had asked him, nicely, to behave. To stop making sex jokes with James around. Considering everything the other man had done for him, the least he could do was respect his space.

Before Alex could apologize, Madison had leaned over to knock his shoulder as they walked. "Always figured myself more of a cat person, but I suppose you'll do."

Alex meant to laugh, he did. But they'd hit fresh air, the first time he'd been outside the dorm since Laurens had tried to get him to go to class the other day. When had the outside world gotten so big? And crowded? It was Saturday- why weren't more people off campus doing whatever it was that normal people did on weekends? It wasn't even that pretty outside to justify the amount of people hanging out outside? Was something going to happen? Did they know something he didn't?

By the time he'd realized he'd stopped walking, so had Madison- who had turned to face him. "That's what I thought."

"I don't know what you're talking about." As if that didn't sound defensive.

But Madison didn't press, not really, just raised an eyebrow and sighed. "We can go back. Or you can hold my hand."

Alex tentatively reached for the outstretched hand, not wanting to call it quits just yet. It didn't exactly solve the problem of 'too many people in the world' but at least the touch was grounding. At least he knew Madison was there, right there, and he'd know if either of them were taken. It wasn't a pleasant thought.

"Monroe reached out again. I told him no, but I thought you should know. I think he might have gotten a hold of Lee, and if he thinks for one second that I'm working beside that fucker again, he has another thing coming to him." It was awfully open, for Madison. "You been to that smoke/piercing shop off King street? I thought about possibly getting a real job. I know one of the managers pretty well and I think I might be able to swing a position."

Alex blinked, trying to focus on the pressure of Madison's hand and the sound of his voice. "That would be good. Something you can actually put on your resume."

"Shit." Madison said suddenly. "You want to take the bus? We can take the bus."

There was no need to ask why, Madison's car in clear sight, and worse than that, the dark spot that Alex knew was his fault. They probably should take the bus. They should probably go back to the dorm and then Alex could curl up under the bed and never come out again. This had been a mistake. All he'd wanted to do was go and get groceries. Prove to himself that he could leave the dorm, spend some time with James. Give Aaron space to study.

But that was his blood. That was his blood. Madison probably hadn't had any reason to move his car since everything happened. Madison who had barely left the room more than he had, spent hours laying in the dorm with ice on his face. Who'd spoken for the first time yesterday, to tell Aaron to fuck off but hadn't complained when Alex had crawled into bed with him. Just mumbled under his breath and gone back to sleep.

Focus on Madison, not the blood. Not where it came from. Not what had happened. To either of them. A scream choked in his throat as the hand holding his let him go, and then he was being pulled into a chest. "Breathe. Okay? With me. In- two-three- four. Out-two-three-four-five-six. In-two-three-four."

Again. And again. Until finally Alex's chest moved in time with Madison's even without the quiet voice in his ear. When he looked around, they were in the dorm again. Which didn't make sense because that meant they'd gone through doors and he barely remembered moving at all- much less Madison letting him go long enough to swipe his ID and open a door. Had someone held the door open for them? Did they know what had happened?

"Do you want to take the elevator? Or the stairs? Or we can just sit here for a moment." Madison was talking, but Alex wasn't actually sure that he actually understood what was being said.

Instead he followed as Madison walked them backward and toward the couch, flopping down and pulling Alex with him. "You know, this is going to cause questions and I'm not going to explain. Aaron can deal with that nonsense if he wants."

"Aaron," Alex's voice cracked, and he realized in horror that he was crying.

"If I'm allowed to let you go, I can text him to come down." Madison said, but Alex shook his head.


	84. Chapter 84

"You oughta let him shake." John muttered, breaking the silence of the room. 

Aaron glared up at the man, who was casually sitting on his desk, tossing a lighter between his palms. Madison had come back earlier than expected, complete with a freaked out Alex and wanting to know what Lafayette's number was. Well, he hadn't said Lafayette, but how many freakish guys with accents did they really know?

"He likes the pressure."

Madison and Alex were both on his bed, James awkwardly pressed against the side of Alex's leg as Alex curled with his head on Aaron's lap, one or the other of them reaching out to rub his back whenever the shaking intensified. If Aaron had his way, they'd be laying down with Alex on top of him, but Madison had seemed reluctant to leave his side and it wasn't Burr's place to push. Especially not considering the way Alex had been tucked into the man's side when he'd come in. 

Laurens tossed the lighter in the air, waiting to catch it before responding. "He's got adrenaline to spare in his system, he's got to get rid of it somehow- and considering you won't-"

What John was about to say, Aaron wasn't sure. It had been cut off by a distressed sound from Alex and the next time John spoke, he'd changed gears, eyes glued to his phone. "Laf said he should be back soon."

Madison nodded, but the look on his face was distinctly uncomfortable. Though whether because of Alex's current state, Laurens' existence in their dorm, or the fact that Lafayette had his car- Aaron wasn't sure. "Look, not that I'm not grateful and everything, because I am- but why'd he have to be the one to do it? All I wanted to know was if he knew of a place that could handle it discretely."

"It would have raised suspicions either way. Much better to send someone who they're used to showing up with bloody seats." As if it were perfectly normal to admit to showing up at one's local carwash with a biohazard interior on a regular basis. The more time Aaron spent around Laurens or Lafayette, the more uneasy he became with them in general. Which was an interesting accomplishment, considering his introduction had been a kidnapping. 

The expression on Madison's face shifted from uncomfortable to horror. "What the hell do you two get up to?"

Laurens pocketed his lighter, huffing. "Alex, tell your boyfriend to stop kink shaming me before I sic Laf on him."

Aaron had opened his mouth to object that he was doing no such thing, at least not out loud, before it occurred to him that Laurens wasn't even referencing him, but rather the then frozen James. Aaron did his best to not look upset, because sweet jesus, as weird as he found it that Alex and Madison had suddenly decided cuddling was on the table... It made Alex happy. And if John Laurens fucked that up by making Madison anxious, Aaron didn't know what he was going to do.

It was Alex who broke the tension, though, lifting his head off of Aaron's thigh long enough to snap, "Laurens."

"Yes, Honey?"  Tone somewhere between fond and annoyed.

"Shut up." The ending of the statement was muffled as Alex buried his head again, apparently too worn out to continue holding it up.

It was worrying, and more than that, it was exhausting. When Alex had been getting off drugs there had been an end in sight, a 'this will get better soon'. This time... This time Aaron wasn't so sure about that. Even with all of his friends in the loop, it was starting to feel like an impossible task and they were barely a week out. Especially if Alex was going to continue to need around the clock company. There was still almost half of a semester left and he really had no idea how Alex was supposed to pass at this rate.

There was a thud, and Aaron clenched his fists in the sheets to remind himself to stay calm. That Laurens throwing a tantrum didn't mean anything was going to happen. The man wouldn't try anything with Alex in the room.

Physically, at least. "I'm not going to be judged by a fucking drug dealer."

Madison didn't respond, didn't argue that he wasn't dealing anymore and Aaron couldn't believe it but he was considering defending him. Yes, Madison had been a drug dealer. Yes, he'd been friends with Jefferson. But he'd left when he'd realized what the man was doing to Alex, and as Alex had pointed out- without any support. Not to mention that he was Alex's friend now, and Alex needed the support of all of his friends if they were going to make it through this- not them tearing one another down. After all, if that was still on the table, Burr was pretty sure he had more right to be pissed at Laurens than Laurens at Madison. 

But responding would only further risk upsetting Alex and James was a big boy. It wasn't as if he wasn't aware that 'drug dealer' tended to be a life long title.

This time it was Lafayette's timing that cracked then silence, as he came in the room still spinning Madison's keys. "It is done." And then, after a quick survey of the room. "John, We should go, no?"

Laurens looked like he was going to say something else, but stopped when Lafayette took another step into the room to drop the keys on the bed. Considering the strangeness of his own relationship with Alex, he couldn't really say anything, but it was interesting to watch argumentative Laurens huff and fall in line at a look from his boyfriend. It also continued to reaffirm Aaron's quiet opinion that Lafayette was definitely the more terrifying of the pair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god so I accidentally went off on a really dark head canoning spree regarding... laf/laurens and I've been trying to get that out of my system before I accidentally write it into non-stop.  
> so whoops. the other reason for updates slowing down is unfortunately a bit longer lasting. I am now watching a tiny babe 50 hours a week and 5 months old don't like to share attention.
> 
> Can you handle pain? Do you crave stories where two people love each other very much and also beat the shit out of each other on a regular basis? Want to see Jefferson pay for what he did for Alex? http://archiveofourown.org/works/6082101/chapters/13940796 (the rest of the work can be found on my blog/when she updates.)


	85. Chapter 85

Monday passed, and then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday in quick order.

A long series of naps and waking up to different bodies pressed against his. Of Aaron petting his head and trying to convince him to eat. Madison doing his homework with Alex's feet in his lap. Lafayette and Laurens filling the room with an energy Alex recognized well. Wanted to try and calm. Wasn't allowed to acknowledge. Hercules changing his bandages, telling him that it was okay, if he'd like, to start going for awhile without them.

Alex wasn't ready for that yet.

Wasn't ready for anything that was about to happen.

It was on Friday, the weird time after lunch where too many bodies would press themselves into Aaron's dorm, that it happened. Herc didn't even bother knocking, just walking in and scanning the room. Laurens was laying on his stomach across Madison's bed, Lafayette half perched on the edge, using his arms to prop himself up, casually taking up too much space in the already cramped room. James at his desk, fingers clacking across keys as he pointedly ignored the intrusion on his personal space. 

Alex watched as Herc took in each body present, eyes lingering on Aaron and Alex before turning toward the other bed. "Out."

Part of him expected Lafayette to argue, but he only smiled. "I take it all plans are go?"

Plans? It wasn't violence related, Alex didn't think. John was moving too slowly for him to be aware that there was a fight on a horizon. Mostly he looked annoyed. Then again, he looked that way a lot these days. Hercules didn't acknowledge the comment, instead crossing to the desk where James was still typing away.

James at least had the presence of mind to look up when Herc grabbed the back of his chair, pulling it backwards. "Out."

"You realize this is my room, right?" Madison muttered, but he was already in motion to go.

Alex almost didn't want him to. Didn't want to have whatever conversation it was that had his RA clearing the room. Fuck. He better not try and make Aaron leave too. Or Alex. If he wanted Alex to go he should have sent him with Mads, but the door was already swinging close and Hercules was turning towards him and he still looked so angry. He couldn't help it, Alex flinched, burying his head in Aaron's lap to avoid having to see any reaction. 

"Jesus Christ." The man said, and there was the sound of footsteps and then a thud that was most likely Herc collapsing on the other bed.

There was a hand, firm and insistent on Alex's back, and he allowed himself to focus on it. Focus on the feeling of Aaron's breathing, still steady and smooth. He found himself wishing for Madison and his ridiculous in and out counting.

Aaron's voice pulled him out of that particular thought. "Perhaps you should be the one to get out, Mulligan. If you're done scaring Alex, that is."

Gods, Alex wished they would get along instead of making digs and using him as a pawn. It was bad enough having Herc mad without Aaron antagonizing the situation. Wasn't he supposed to be the calm and collected one? Who thought out what he was going to say rather than just going for it?

A huff from the other side of the room. "Lafayette and I have been talking. Alex should go stay with him for a while."

The body beneath him tensed. "Run that by me again." 

If Aaron's voice held quiet threat, then Hercules' just sounded exhausted, as if seeing Alex flinch had drained all the energy and anger from him. "Lafayette has agreed to take Alex in. I think that's where he'll be safest. I've already discussed with Washington the possibility of a psych leave for him. It's probably the best bet."

Safest. Psych leave. The implication hit Aaron at the same time it did Alex, his fingers digging into Alex's back before soothing the spot with gentle circles. "Why aren't charges being pressed?"

Fuck. That was an answer Alex knew, and he rolled to push himself off and away from Aaron, tucking his knees under his chin as he looked anywhere but at the two men, especially when Hercules started talking again. "He doesn't think anyone will believe he wasn't asking for it. I haven't reported any of it officially, despite that being- ya know, my job- because there's no point in making him deal with the cops if he's not going to testify."

Aaron didn't press that subject any further, something Alex was grateful for. There had already been too many arguments over that particular decision with Herc. "What about the other, though? Did they not check his damn house?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Alex saw Hercules shrug. "Man either just pissed someone very powerful off by rolling on them- or he has connections I didn't know about."

Probably a mix of both, if Alex knew anything about Jefferson. 

"Isn't there anything you can do?" You. Not 'Your friends.' Not 'Don't you have more connections.' But the implication was there all the same.

Hercules was rubbing at his face, and suddenly Alex wanted to give him a hug, to make him feel better. "I don't know what you think I could be doing that I'm not. But no matter what balls are in motion in my court- things take time. Time I would prefer spent with Alex as far away from campus as we can get him."

"I'll rent a place then. No need to send Alex away."

Another long, drawn out exhale. "Sure thing. And your name with be on that lease, and you have proven yourself physically capable of handling him in the past."

Aaron went still and Alex whined, shooting Hercules a look, a silent 'not nice, Herc'. "When is Laf expecting us?"

A long stare, as if he had been expecting Alex to argue and was wary of when it was going to come. "Tonight."

Oh.


	86. Chapter 86

Madison had barely shut the door when Aaron realized the man had taken a step back, watching him with his hands shoved in his pockets. "You wanna hit me?"

Aaron blinked, unsure if it was a concern or an offer, shaking his head both in answer and to get the image of Alex out of his head. Alex 'I guess you won't hit me in the mouth' Hamilton, Alex moaning against the closet, Alex hanging by his hair completely silent. Madison wasn't Alex. He didn't need to feel guilty for the look James had on his face, especially considering he hadn't even said anything yet.

James watched him for another moment before nodding, though Aaron noticed that he still crossed the room as close to the furniture as possible. It wasn't until he was sitting back on his bed, back flush against the wall, that he spoke again. "Where's Mutt?"

It probably wasn't worth reminding him that Alex had a name. "Gone."

Fuck. Aaron twitched, staring down at his own sheets. Trying to remind himself that it was entirely stupid to be going through the stages of grieving, that Alex wasn't gone- he was just... safe. With the sociopathic duo. He'd been the one to text Lafayette in the first place, hadn't he? Wasn't that proof enough that if he wasn't being so fucking selfish he'd agree with Mulligan? That Lafayette's place was the safest place for Alex to be? At least physically.

Emotionally was probably an entirely different question. Did they know how to deal with feelings in a way that wasn't 'punch things'? Was he going to have to worry about Laurens and Alex beating each other up again? Or...

Aaron felt his stomach drop. He hadn't even considered the possibility of the other. They'd had an open arrangement- but that was before they were officially dating. And Alex had called things off between them long before they actually started dating. Laurens wouldn't think having Alex under the same roof was an invitation- would he? Especially not considering what Jefferson had done to him...

His roommate seemed to have forgotten his previous fear, because Madison was suddenly too close, looking aggravated. "Gone Where, Burr?"

"With the French Fuck and the asshole." Because gods, he doesn't want to explain more. "To stay. Until it's safe."

Was it ever going to be safe? James was blinking at him, slow on the uptake and then a quiet 'shit'. "When he's getting out?"

"I don't know." That was the truth. Fuck, he knew so little, really. "No charges are being pressed."

Madison didn't ask why. Just stared at him for moment before looking off. "Lee has been picked up by Monroe. I don't know if he's got anything that might put Jefferson away... My word alone wouldn't be enough... but maybe if I reach out to him..."

Aaron stared. Madison was looking better, but there was still bits of proof of what had happened. He wouldn't scar the same way Alex would. He was lucky that way. But that didn't change the fact that Madison had taken a beating that night. That Lee had been the one taunting him about all the ways that Jefferson might hurt Alex. Madison had no reason to believe that Lee might be willing to help them other than the fact that he was working with another dealer now, and here he was- willing to reach out to the man who had hurt him.

What was it that Alex had called him again? Brave?

"Alex doesn't want to press charges. I guess we're supposed to respect that."

Of course, he knew that they were supposed to. Police trials were horrible, they weren't kind to victims, and they didn't often play in the victim's favor. Aaron knew this. Knew Alex would be interrogated just as hard as Jefferson would. That every bit of his past that could be dug up against him would be thrown in his face, and despite the fact that Alex hadn't spoken much about his past, Aaron knew there was probably more than enough there. That if Madison spoke up, he was risking charges being brought up against him, the right to not self-incriminate be damned. That Madison didn't have Jefferson's connections.

Madison still looked unsure. "When are we going to see him?"

Aaron blinked, not following. "When are we going to see Jefferson?"

"Alex." The 'you idiot' went unsaid. "I assume you know where the french fuck lives? Or were you planning on just leaving him there and not visiting?"

Fuck James for thinking he had a right to judge Aaron, to make assumptions like that. Fuck Hercules Mulligan for rubbing it in his face that he hadn't been able to protect Alex to begin with. Fuck Lafayette for obviously having known what was about to go down, and not mentioning it at all. How long had they known that charges weren't happening? How long had he been planning to let Alex into his home? Why the fuck hadn't anyone told him what was going on? It was obvious that even Alex and Hercules had talked about him possibly testifying... And Aaron had been left in the dark by every one of them.

"If this is your way of quietly telling me I'm not allowed to visit the Mutt- fine. But please tell me you're planning on going and comforting your weird ass boyfriend sooner rather than later. I'm not actually sure he knows how to breathe when you haven't touched him in an hour."

Not allowed. Jesus. Did Madison think Aaron was going to pull some powerplay? Did Madison even want to visit Alex? It was always hard to tell when the man was just tolerating him and when he was actively plotting everyone's exit from the room. 

Though, at least  it seemed Mads had as many issues with the duo as he did. That might make Alex not sleeping in his bed every night a little more doable. Having Madison to bitch with...

Madison, who still seemed to be waiting for an answer. "You're the one with the car, Jackass."

Probably not the nicest thing to call someone when basically admitting that he needed their help, but Madison just nodded. "Let's go."


	87. Chapter 87

"Do you want me to stay?"

Alex shook his head, staring at the backpack on the floor of his new room. Hercules watched him for another moment before nodding and leaving. It wasn't as if Alex had talked to him on the way over there, had mostly just pressed his face against the window and tried to think about the mountain trip. Back when things had been nice, especially once Aaron had decided they were finally dating. Or really, even before that, he'd even settle for drinking moonshine back at the cabin. Was Alex even going to be allowed to leave the house now that he was there? It'd be mean to ask Aaron to come visit him in the house he was basically held hostage in, but the idea of not seeing him for weeks was scary.

Maybe they'd let him leave if he had an escort? Alex puffed out his cheeks for a moment before rolling off the bed, socked feet plodding against the hardwood as he walked through the house in hopes of finding Laf or John. Preferably Laf. John and Aaron's relationship right then could best be described as 'ignoring each other entirely' with the occasional 'making a joke at the other's expense', and while part of Alex suspected Laf enjoyed making Aaron as uncomfortable as possible- at least, he didn't worry that they might actually end in punches.

Not that John would mind. A fist fight might actually make him like Aaron more. It'd just entirely ruin the chance of Aaron ever willingly being in the same room as him again.

There was no one in the kitchen, and Lafayette was nowhere in sight period. John was curled up on the corner of the couch, with a face that seemed strangely relaxed until Alex noticed the animal documentary on the screen. Maybe they could talk about what was going to happen with him later? Maybe they could just... be for a moment.

Tentatively Alex walked forward, trying to check for any signs of tensing from Laurens as he approached. John wasn't particularly acknowledging him, but then again, things had been weird lately, so that might have been intentional. But gods, they'd known each other for years. And yeah, maybe college had changed things between them, but John had saved him, hadn't he? He'd been worried about Alex when he'd hurt Burr...

When was the last time they'd done anything that wasn't about trying to get rid of the adrenaline coursing through their veins or sitting in mostly tense silence?

Once he was only a few inches away, Alex shrugged. If John threw him off, well, it wouldn't be the first time. And he could always claim that he had been looking for a fight, couldn't he? Alex flopped on the couch, and when the other man didn't immediately throw him off, butted his head against his arm until he lifted it so that Alex could settle with his head on his chest.

There was silence for a moment and then Alex felt John's arm come back down, resting against Alex's side. It wasn't as comfortable as cuddling with Aaron, or even Mads really, John too stiff and unyielding, but it was better than being untouched.

John and Alex both looked up at the sound of the door opening, and Lafayette raised an eyebrow at them as he closed the door. " Mon Ami? Mon Amour? Should I..."

Lafayette didn't finish his sentence though he did wave a hand back towards the door. John gave out an annoyed huff in response, turning his body away from both of them enough that Alex was forced to right himself. He tried not to be upset at that fact, after all, John and Laf were dating, and despite John's horrendous treatment of his own boyfriend- Alex would never want to come between the two of them.

"Little Alex," Lafayette ruffled his hair before perching himself on the arm of the couch, "You should have guests soon."

At Alex's confused look, he continued with, "Your knights in shining armor."

If anyone else had said it, he'd have assumed they meant Laurens and Laf, but context told him that was wrong. It took another moment and then, "Aaron's coming?"

"And the other one," Lafayette said as if it should make complete sense that Aaron was coupled with someone that wasn't Alex.

Laurens figured it out quicker than he did, suddenly twisting in his seat to look at Laf. "No. I'm not going to have the drug dealer in the house."

Oh. That was fine. Absolutely fine. Completely- 100% okay to reduce Madison to what he used to do. Not like Madison had punched Jefferson despite being nowhere near as fighty as Laurens and Lafayette were. Not like Madison was the more likely of the two to come visit him, after all, James had never had a bad experience here. Not that it mattered because apparently he wasn't allowed. Maybe it was time to bring up the possibility of him leaving with a chaperone? Was it okay if he hung out with Mads so long as Mads brought him back? And why did he suddenly feel like a 16-year-old girl on fucking house arrest with three dads to try and appease. 

"John," One word, but even Alex could hear the warning in Lafayette's typically pleasant tone.

"Don't John me." Laurens snapped. "I have every right to not want him here."

Alex flinched. "Look, it's fine-"

Lafayette raised a hand, cutting him off. "Perhaps you should remember that you are just as much a guest here as little Alex. This is not your house, mon cheri."

Shit. John snarled and Alex went to interject- again, because no, really- he'd rather not have the two of them fighting especially over something as simple as whether or not Alex was allowed to have house guests. Somehow dating Laurens hadn't yet given Lafayette a sense of when to drop the subject, or even how to handle the man when angry and Alex found himself sinking back into the couch when Laf stood up to stop Laurens from storming out of the house. It wasn't as if he wasn't used to watching John almost come to blows with people- he just really, really didn't want to get caught in the crossfire.

Not between those two.

But John didn't throw a punch and instead there was a tense conversation, too low for Alex to pick up on, and then the slamming of the door. Probably for the best, to let one of them go. Walk it off so that they could come back and talk this through like normal people. Normal people who would recognize that Alex was way too fragile to deal with all this in-fighting and maybe, just maybe please, let him see his boyfriend so that he could have a hug. Maybe a kiss if all of his dads were fine with it.

"Little Alex, we did not mean to scare you." Lafayette's voice came, too close for comfort.

Not that Alex had been scared. No. Why would he be scared? Why would he be anything but thrilled? He went to curl in on himself tighter, but that turned out to be a mistake considering Lafayette's dislike of being ignored. One arm managed to work it's way under his knees and the other propped behind his back as the french man picked him up. 

Alex let out a high pitched whining noise. "Why does everyone think I'm a doll that they can just pick up at will?"

"Are you not, mon ami?" Fuck Lafayette for managing to sound shocked at the concept, even as he settled back on the couch with Alex in his lap. "You will have to forgive Mr. Laurens. He is... How you say... Sensitive?"

Sensitive wasn't exactly a word Alex would use to describe Laurens. But before he could correct Lafayette, offer up any number of words that he might have meant, the upper classman was speaking. "He misses you, I think. I do not think you realize the great deal you mean to people, my small friend."


	88. Chapter 88

Madison was looking up at the house with curiosity when Burr got out of the car. "You said you texted one of them?"

Aaron nodded, and then when realized that James couldn't see him- spoke, "Yeah. The taller one, why?"

"We're at a single house, mostly surrounded by woods. I'm just wondering my chances of walking into a horror movie here." 

Alex wouldn't appreciate the comment, but Alex wasn't within earshot was he? "The asshole's car is gone, so weigh your odds considering the French fucker." And then, because Madison really did look uncomfortable, "I do think he genuinely cares about Alex. So we're probably not going to find him strung from the ceiling or bleeding in the bathtub. And he probably wouldn't do anything near Alex either. So just don't go accepting any offers for a walk alone with him?"

There was a mutter that sounded suspiciously like 'The shit I do for the mutt' but Aaron chose to ignore it. After all, Madison didn't know the half of it when it came to how bad the two of them could be. With one last look exchanged between them, Madison finally walked toward the front door and Aaron followed after. James had barely managed two knocks when the door swung open and Lafayette ushered them into the house cheerfully. 

"So, Er-" Madison said some time later, holding one of the mugs of tea that Lafayette had prepared for everyone, "How long have you known the Mutt?"

Aaron exhaled slowly, eyeing Lafayette carefully. It probably wasn't James' best move to go around letting other people know he referred to Alex as a dog, but if he wanted to dig his own grave... Well, Aaron had no intention of going down with him. 

Thankfully, Lafayette only hummed. "I have always considered him more.. chaton... But I have known him long enough."

As if that wasn't the world's vaguest non-answer. Alex had clearly known Lafayette before he'd started getting sober, but that didn't exactly narrow it down much. Had Alex come to college knowing him? Had they had a class together first semester? Had Lafayette seen him in the coffee shop one morning and decided to befriend Alex the same way that one might pick out a dog from the pet store? Or in reverse, had Alex seen him and decided the pretty upper classman with the funny accent needed to be his friend?

Then again, going off what he knew of Alex before... Maybe there was a reason Lafayette was being vague. If Alex had picked him it probably hadn't been with friendship in mind.

The head on his chest shifted, and Aaron resisted the urge to squirm as Alex forced hot air through his shirt. The line of questioning obviously had him feeling anxious as well- or bored. It was hard to tell sometimes with him.

If Madison had any follow-up questions in mind, they were cut off when Lafayette decided to stand up and stretch languidly. "Actually, I am glad that you decided to come, Mon Ami. I am... in need of assistance."

Aaron could feel Madison's look, but he pointedly kept his gaze down at the back of Alex's head, watching as his fingers ran through his boyfriend's hair. Something was obviously bothering the man, but he wasn't sure if it was just the events of the day, or if something had happened between them Hercules packing him into his car and him and Madison showing up. 

"Mine?" Madison finally said after a moment, clearly uncomfortable with the notion. Aaron's comment earlier about being alone with Lafayette probably wasn't helping, either.

Lafayette nodded, before heading towards the door. "We should be back before nightfall if we leave now. I think Aaron can take care of little Alex in the meantime, No?"

The upper classman didn't even wait for a response before slipping outside and there was a pause before James muttered something under his breath and he followed. Nightfall. Whatever it was that the man was borrowing James for was apparently going to take a few hours and Aaron couldn't help but wonder what it was. Did he specifically need Madison? Or was he just taking advantage of having a body to borrow and someone to stay with Alex?

Alex who apparently had no interest in removing his face from Aaron's chest. Aaron glanced at the ceiling briefly before reaching down to pull Alex up. He'd intended to turn him around, so that Alex could sit in his lap, but a lack of cooperation instead ended up with Alex straddling his thighs. Not that it was a bad position in and of itself, but it did give him a full view of the absolutely petulant look on his boyfriend's face.

"Is there something we should talk about?" Aaron reached up to brush a strand of hair from Alex's face, smiling slightly when Alex responded by nuzzling his palm.

"I just-" Alex started and then stopped. "Thank you for coming, I know it can't be easy being here. With or without them."

Aaron gave an awkward shrug in response. Really, he'd been trying not to think about that. His run in with Laurens was trivial compared to the absolute hell Alex had been put through. "Anything for you. If you wanted... we could ask about me staying here too."

Alex shook his head, a dark expression flashing over his face briefly before he leaned down to kiss Aaron's cheek. "You're too good to me."

He should probably ask what the look was about. At least to make sure that Alex felt safe staying there, but then Alex was leaning in again, resting their foreheads together. "Am I allowed to kiss you here?"

"On the forehead? Sure." It was a joke, intended to tease Alex, but Alex pressed his lips against Aaron's forehead all the same.

One hand reached up to cup his face, and he smiled as Alex dragged his thumb against Aaron's bottom lip. "And here? Can I kiss you here?"

Another nod and Alex didn't wait for more permission before claiming his mouth. Claiming, because that's what it was, and Aaron allowed himself to relax back into the couch rather than fighting it. If this was how Alex wanted to release stress- who was he to argue. And if it was the man seeking validation... Maybe Aaron needed a bit of that himself as well. 

Carefully he reached up to grip Alex's hips, smiling into his mouth when the man gasped before taking the hint and grinding down. Another kiss, and then another, Alex's hands gripping his shoulders tight enough he was probably going to have bruises in the morning. It was nice- really nice, but then a hand slid down his chest and Alex froze.

Aaron shifted, trying to figure out what had gone wrong as Alex pressed his face against the crook of his neck. "Aaron?"

"Yes, princess?" He probably should have checked that that was okay first, but Alex didn't seem to mind the nickname. Or at least, he hadn't recoiled or said anything sarcastic, which was close enough.

"Tell me to stop." There was an edge of pleading in his tone, and Aaron wrapped his arms around Alex's waist, pressing him closer still.

"Do you want to stop?" Aaron should have just said it. Of course they needed to stop, or at least pull it back a notch. Lafayette had said they'd be back before nightfall, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be walking in through the door at any moment- much less John Laurens. 

But Aaron couldn't bring himself to tell Alex what to do. Especially not when the man seemed so vulnerable. Not when this was the first time Alex had seemed interested in more than cuddling since everything had happened. Not that Alex being interested in sex was always a healthy thing- just... familiar.

"No." Alex closed his eyes for a moment. "But you should tell me to stop. Now."

"Your choice. You're an adult," Kind of. "You know what you want and what is appropriate." Hopefully, Aaron's mind supplied unhelpfully.

"And if I said I wanted you to take me to Laf's room and fuck me until we've both come all over his sheets?" Alex said after a moment, but the tone wasn't of desire.

Just another attempt at pushing him into making the decision for him, but Aaron just leaned back slightly, not bothering to dignify the question with a response. Alex made another whining sound, nudging his head against Aaron's neck. "You're an asshole, you know that right?"

Aaron shrugged, stroking Alex's back in what he hoped was a soothing motion. "And you're a brat. My brat, but a brat none the less."


	89. Chapter 89

Something thudding on the couch in front of him startled Alex awake.

"I thought you would like that back, Mon Ami." Lafayette said cheerfully, his face a little too close and Alex pulled back for a moment to try and focus-

Only to lay eyes on Madison. "Is that blood?!"

Aaron made a small oofing noise as Alex launched himself off the couch, stumbling forward still half asleep to grab James' face, pressing a finger against his lips to keep him from actually answering. Who promptly cringed at the touch. Alex shot Lafayette a dirty look before dragging Madison by the hand to the kitchen. Once there he pushed Madison to sit down at the table while he grabbed an icepack from the freezer. Actually, he'd been planning on grabbing loose ice and putting it in a bag, but of course, Lafayette would have a small portion of his freezer dedicated to first aid necessities. He might have spared a moment to be fond if it weren't for the fact that Madison had a gash above his eyebrow that needed his attention.

Lafayette poked his head into the kitchen, looking far too amused for someone who had just come back with an injured Madison. "The actual first aid kit is in my bedroom. Would you like me to go get it?"

Paper towel wrapped around the ice pack, Alex pressed it again Madison's eyebrow, pointedly ignoring Laf, who laughed before disappearing. Hopefully to go and get the first aid kit. Because even though it really wasn't bad of a wound, it was still probably a good idea to get it cleaned properly and put a bandaid on it.

"Alex." Alex looked up at Aaron's voice. "Have you let James tell you what happened yet?"

Another thud, this time a first aid kit on the kitchen table and Alex ruffled through it for something to clean the cut while Lafayette spoke. "He didn't duck."

"You can't go swinging at people and then claiming it's because they didn't duck!" Alex snapped.

Aaron settled a hand on his shoulder, even as Alex was tearing open the wipe and leaning in to wipe up the blood on James' face. "Again, Can we let James speak for himself? It's his eyebrow, not his mouth. He can do that."

Alex gave Lafayette another suspicious look before before grabbing a bandaid and putting it on. "Fine. Mads, baby, what did Lafayette do to you? Do I need to beat him up?"

"I didn't duck." James repeated, watching Alex's hands to make sure the man wasn't going to go grabbing at his face again, "Your friend here wanted to check out... some places. At the last one- I hit my head on a beam."

Oh.

Alex turned to Aaron. "How'd you know? You were with me the whole time."

His boyfriend shrugged, eyes flickering to Lafayette briefly, who had moved to sit on the kitchen counters. "Honestly I figured that that one picked a fight and James got in the way... Seemed a bit more plausible than whatever was running through your head."

Seemed a bit more plausible than Lafayette attacking Mads and him coming back at all, or with such a small wound- went unsaid. Alex huffed before turning to face Lafayette, trying to slow his heart rate down enough to actually apologize. He'd just gotten... scared. He didn't like seeing his friends hurt and Mads' face had just started losing some of the last bits of puffiness. Still wasn't very nice of him to just assume that Lafayette was the culprit, though. It was just hard, especially considering the way he knew that Laf and John treated one another and the fact that John had just stormed off earlier that night.

But Lafayette cut him off before he could speak. "Ma chaton, I only hope that one day you shall tend to my wounds with such fervor."

"You just want me to kiss your boo-boos." Alex muttered, relieved that Laf wasn't offended at his assumption.

"Ah, Ma Cherie, That isn't the only thing-"

Laf was cut off by Aaron pointedly wrapping an arm around Alex's waist. "Alex, I don't consider myself a jealous person, but can you maybe not talk about kissing other men in front of me?"

"He's over here basically calling me a girl and you're chiding me for using a common phrase?" Wait- no, he shouldn't have said that. Aaron already didn't like Lafayette, that much was clear, and if he misunderstood Laf mocking him as flirting...

It wasn't as if he could just say 'no it's cool Aaron, you know how you used to call me princess before we started dating? it's that sort of thing.' Especially considering Aaron had just called him princess a few hours before in what was definitely not a non-flirting connotation.

Thankfully Aaron only placed his head on Alex's shoulder, still clearly feeling possessive. Or maybe just unsettled. They were where they were and Lafayette was who he was, maybe Aaron wasn't so much jealous as wanting comforting. Maybe this wasn't about to blow up further in his face.

"Alex." and then when he didn't respond immediately, "Mutt."

"Yes, Mads?"

Madison raised his other eyebrow. "You're still touching me."

Oh. Alex's hand dropped from where it'd been cupping James' face, and he did a half turn in Aaron's grasp so that he could bury his head in the man's chest. He really, really didn't want to deal with any of this. He really was batting a thousand. 

A hand clapped on his back and Alex flinched instinctively. "Well, I'll leave my littles to their evening. You'll call me if you hear anything?"

Who the last bit was directed at, Burr or Mads, Alex wasn't sure, but either way, he was glad for the arm tightening around him as Lafayette made to leave the room.


	90. Chapter 90

Once he was sure that Lafayette had left the room, Aaron allowed his eyes to close and one hand to drift up and run through Alex's hair. Poor thing had worked himself into such a state over Madison's relatively minor wound and then upset himself further over the exchange with Lafayette. Not that Aaron was completely blameless there, and then Alex pointing out that the man had basically been calling him a girl...

Alex tipped his head back to look up at him, and Aaron smiled down at him, pressing a kiss against the corner of his mouth. Alex was his. His boyfriend, his princess, his ridiculous brat. They'd already been through hell and back together, and it didn't look like things were going to get any easier anytime soon, but that didn't matter so long as they stayed together. 

There was the sound of a chair being pushed back as Madison made to leave, looking uncomfortable. "Y'all look like you're having a moment, I'mma go.... wait in the car or something."

Alex started, pulling back as much as he could considering Aaron had no intention of letting him go- but it was Aaron that spoke, "Stay."

Madison froze, glancing between the two of them helplessly and Aaron tilted his head toward the living room. "We need to talk and I don't want to leave him yet. We can all go to the living room."

Leave him. Because that's what they'd be doing. Aaron rested his forehead against Alex's shoulder, trying to keep his breathing level. The last thing he needed was Alex picking up on his anxiety regarding that. There was a pause, and then James was moving, hopefully toward the living room. Alex would probably encourage him to leave if the man had gone outside anyway.

At least if Madison was waiting in the living room, they could stay for a while. Maybe until Alex was ready to go to bed, at least that way he could tuck Alex in. It was a ridiculous image, Aaron leaning over the bed and kissing his forehead after he was sure that Alex had fallen asleep. Madison sitting at the foot of the bed, or maybe on the other side petting his head. If Alex asked, he'd even be willing to read him a bed time story, as ridiculous as it seemed.

Fuck. Aaron really didn't want to leave him. Didn't want to go to sleep on his own tonight, definitely didn't want to leave Alex with the asshole and the french fucker. Especially not after the comment in the kitchen. Alex had been right, his phrasing had been completely innocent but whatever had been about to come out of Lafayette's mouth... Aaron somehow doubted as much. But there was nothing he could do to control the upper classman, much easier to try and get Alex to think before he spoke, to not give the man further openings.

Aaron pulled back again for a moment to look at Alex's face, trying to crack a smile. "If the french fuck keeps calling you his little girl... I might just take you up on your offer next time."

It took Alex a moment to get it, and then he was laughing, leaning in to kiss Aaron's forehead. "I'll keep that in mind. Come on, Madison is waiting. Don't want him thinking we're having a quickie, do we?"

"Let him wonder." A quick kiss, and then he let Alex pull back and lead him toward the living room.

Madison was seated awkwardly on the edge of the couch, eyes flicking between the front door and the hallway. Lafayette must have come through earlier, was probably back in his own room, though Aaron had no idea where Laurens might be. Possibly back in his own dorm, though Aaron didn't think he spent that much time there these days- or terrorizing the town looking for a fight.

Alex paused, looking between the two of them and Aaron shrugged before moving to take a seat on the other side of the couch. There was more than enough room for all three of them on it, and it was better than Alex straddling him in a chair or them having to be apart. It took a beat, and then Alex followed, folding himself up under Burr's chin, his feet resting just shy of Madison's thigh. If the invasion of his personal space was bothering him, it didn't show, though he had sunk back into the couch more, eyes still stuck watching to see if Lafayette would come back.

Lack of attack or no, it was obvious the man was anxious about something regarding Alex's host. "Are you planning on telling us where he took you?"

Mads shrugged. "First rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club- oh shit. Fucked that up."

"Fight club?" Alex blinked for a moment and then twisted in Aaron's lap so that he could look at Mads. "You watch movies! And make jokes. We should have a movie night."

The hair under his hand was soft, and he tugged on it gently, smiling at the slight whining noise he got in response. What Alex's fascination with having a movie night was, he still wasn't sure- but what he did know was that Madison was deflecting. And pretty obviously at that.

Aaron tried again.  "Why'd he need you?"

"Familiar faces open more doors than strange ones," and then, after a slight shrug, "Though, like I told him, it's not... Most of us knew each other but that didn't mean we were friends."

That didn't explain where Madison had hit his head, though. "Anywhere else?"

"Look." James rubbed at his face for a moment. "Plausible deniability. All you need to know is that you don't need to know."

No, Aaron needed to know a lot more than that, but maybe it was best that Alex didn't. But whatever information that Lafayette was collecting, whatever the man was planning? Aaron wanted to have as well. The man might be more violent than he was, but that didn't necessarily mean that he was the only or even the best resource Alex had for getting things done.

 Not by a  long shot. 


	91. Chapter 91

There were papers scattered across the kitchen table, but the most interesting fixture wasn't them- but rather Herc going through the cabinets in search of... something. Alex wasn't sure what. The man was definitely a lot more comfortable in the house than Aaron and Mads had been.

When he finally sat down, he did so with a bag of pretzels that he tossed in the middle of the papers. "Have you given it any thought?"

It being psych leave. It being finding a psychologist who would be willing to take his case. Hercules said he didn't have to be in therapy the whole time, but it'd be required for him to come back and more than that, having one to begin with would make it easier to secure the leave. At this point he didn't have much of a choice either, it was either take the psych leave or fail out considering the amount of classes he missed.

The pretzels were of the stick variety, and he turned one around in his hand as he tried to think of something to say. Alex wanted Aaron. Wanted a hug or someone to sit on him, hell at this point he'd settle for a punch in the face. Anything to make the thrumming in his veins quiet. Even knowing that it wasn't the call of one drug or the other, his mouth felt dry. An association he'd catered for too long. But it'd been the drugs that had gotten him here hadn't it?

Stuck trying to figure out if he had a preference for what kind of mind doc that he would be forced to see. Hercules had made it seem so simple. Did he want to see a man or a woman? Did their age matter? Was there anything that they should have experience in? He'd even offered to explain what the different acronyms meant, so that Alex could pick a specific type of therapy.

Alex probably wouldn't be comfortable with someone young, that much he knew. They'd need to have experience with drugs- no matter how much Hercules wanted to keep saying that the issue wasn't addiction- but rather what Jefferson had done. He wasn't sure that was something that any of the therapists would have covered in their little bios. 'Happy to help young men who have had off and on again relationships with their dealers. Particularly experienced in dealing with survivors of sadists.'

"I'll think about it," Alex said after a moment, "I will. I just... Not now?"

Hercules look at him before pushing the papers together, tidying them in the middle of the table. "You can ask Lafayette if you need help, he should know what everything means."

Lafayette. Alex puffed out his cheeks. " Can I ask for a favor?"

"Anything." Said too quickly, too sure.

But Alex was supposed to be grateful that his friends cared so much, not resentful that they all apparently though he was a child.

"Can you make Laf be nice?" Maybe the child thing would play in his favor this time.

Herc frowned, eyes scanning visible skin. "Has he done something that I need to know about?"

"Nothing like that." Alex shrugged, uncomfortable, but pressing on. "Aaron thinks he's hitting on me and I know he's not but it's still upsetting him."

The tension in Herc's shoulders eased a notch. "Sorry, kid. Think you're just going to have to get used to that one. I don't think I've ever seen anyone get Gil to do something he didn't already want to do."

Alex chewed on his bottom lip. That really wasn't what he wanted to hear. If Laf kept being mean, Aaron might not visit him. "Could you try and talk to him? Like I know it's Laf being Laf but Aaron really doesn't like it when Laf calls him little or the whole pet name thing. And on one hand- it makes him really jealous and its kind of nice to know that he does want me like that but... uh... yeah."

He trailed off when he realized that Hercules was giving him a strange look. "Burr done something to make you feel insecure?"

Of course that's what Herc would pick up on. Alex glanced around, trying to make sure that they were the only ones within earshot. It couldn't hurt to talk to Herc, right? "I just... We haven't... ya know. and I'm not used to people waiting on that front."

Hercules blinked. Once, twice, hand lifting off the table before settling back on it. "You two haven't... I thought..."

It was a small mercy that Hercules didn't finish that sentence. Alex would rather not hear what his RA thought about his sex life. "Not all the way."

"Oh." Hercules shifted in his seat, obviously trying to figure out something to say. "Look, I'd really- really rather not speculate on Burr in that fashion but... have the two of you talked about that kind of thing?"

What was there to talk about? The confusion must have been clear on his face because Hercules took a breath before continuing, "Look, I know you're like... a level three gay or whatever- but no one knew Aaron wasn't straight until you popped up holding his hand. Have you considered that he might be... inexperienced? At least with guys?"

Oh. No. That had never occurred to him. Alex tried to think back to the questions that he'd asked in the cabin, but other than the kissing thing- Aaron hadn't really said whether or not he'd done anything- just whether or not he'd be willing if his partner was interested. Shit. There was a very real possibility he'd been making daddy jokes at someone who'd never been with a man before- no wonder Aaron was so anxious about knowing whether to go forward.

When Alex didn't respond, Hercules went to say something again- only to be cut off by the front door opening.

Lafayette.

Alex relaxed back in his seat at the familiar sight, whining slightly when Hercules stood up to make his goodbyes. It wasn't as if he was completely oblivious to the fact that he was being babysat- but the least they could do was try and make it a little less obvious. Or maybe it was just that Herc was seizing the chance to disappear from their previous conversation. That stung a little less than the idea of them only choosing to be around him because they were worried.

For his part, Laf ran his fingertips across Alex's back as he moved through the kitchen. A few minutes later he came back to sit at the table, cup of what was probably orange juice in his hand.

There was no greeting, besides the light touch, and the look on his face was strangely serious. It made Alex uncomfortable. "Mon Ami, I think it's time you texted your Laurens."

Before he could ask how, Lafayette was sliding his cellphone across the table. He hadn't seen it since Jefferson asked for it, and Alex's throat clenched. That had to have been part of where he'd dragged Madison last night. But to get Alex's phone? Or was there something else? Did they know if Jefferson had gotten out yet? Had they confronted him if so?

Alex stared at the phone until Laf tapped on the table. "Now, ma cherie, I will not ask again."


	92. Chapter 92

Aaron popped an apple slice into his mouth as he stared blankly down at his notes. They had a test coming up next week and he knew he needed to be studying, but the information wasn't flowing the way it normally would. It felt like he had to reread each paragraph three or four times for any of it to sink in, and he'd long since abandoned trying to highlight the relevant information. It just... seemed trivial compared to everything else going on.

Maybe they should just both drop out. Aaron's grades were good enough to transfer, and sure he'd lose some credit hours but it wasn't that big of a concern. Alex could take all the time he needed to heal and then maybe start over at a community college. They'd move to a small town, somewhere without a drug scene. Except Alex would never be happy with that, he complained enough about Aaron paying for things as is without Aaron just casually throwing moving out there. And the last thing he needed to do right now was to make Alex feel like more of a burden.

Studying was pointless. Aaron slammed the textbook shut, trying not to take pleasure in finally being able to show how frustrated he was.

Unfortunately, he'd forgotten that Madison was in the room until the man spoke, "You sure you don't want to hit me?"

That was the third time James had asked him that, and every time he did, Aaron came a little closer to saying that was exactly what he wanted to do. But he didn't, not really. It wasn't as if James was the source of his anger and Aaron had never been prone to physical violence. The fact that he'd considered saying it at all was probably a sign that he'd spent far too much time recently near the sociopathic duo.

Instead, he settled for flopping backward on his bed, turning his head so that he could look at his roommate. "Have I done something to make you think I would?"

Madison gave him a dull look and Aaron exhaled slowly. "Let me rephrase. Have you done something that makes you think I'd have a reason to hit you?"

He'd been expecting another blank stare, but instead, the man looked away and Aaron's stomach dropped. Had Madison done something? Was he just feeling guilty about the past or had something happened and he wasn't aware of it? They'd had seemed fine last night- so it didn't seem likely that he'd hurt Alex... Was he dealing drugs again? Talking to Jefferson?

"I just, " James started and then paused, searching for words, "am used to dealing with possessive people. Okay? And you've kind of been on a mini war path because of the french guy calling Alex Darling and shit."

"He was calling him Darling?" Okay, maybe a step below some of what Aaron had been imagining, though he still wasn't happy about it. "You sure?"

James nodded, still looking out of place. "Someone who isn't going to be mentioned... Had a thing about using french when he was trying to woo girls. I mean Hamilton was right, dude was definitely implying he was a chick. But that might be another pass at his size. Also... I think the other one was cat. Kitten maybe?"

Aaron frowned at that one though he was glad to know. "What's that got to do with you, though?"

Madison shrugged. "One- I'm the closest one here. Again, used to people lashing out. Two- again, war path over pet names and well. yeah."

Eloquent. It took Aaron a moment to connect. "The Mutt thing?"

"I mean, in part. But also, the 'possessive guy's boyfriend sitting way too close to another man.' thing."

"I'm not possessive." Aaron muttered in response.

Being possessive implied that he thought of Alex as a possession. Not wanting Alex staying in a house with two men who had kidnapped him was not being possessive. Not wanting Alex to be staying in a house with a guy he used to have sex with and one who clearly did view Alex a possession was not being possessive. He was just... concerned for his well being. That was all. 

Madison raised an eyebrow at that one. "Uh huh. I'm amazed he didn't walk out of that kitchen with hickeys on his face. But my point still stands. He made me a card covered in pink hearts and you're a possessive asshole."

James didn't think Aaron would blame him for things Alex was doing, did he? "I also came back to the dorm to find the two of you cuddling, you haven't mentioned that one yet."

A subtle cringe. How long had Madison been waiting for him to blow up about all of this? Aaron sighed. "Are you even gay?"

That hadn't been what James had been expecting, and he pulled back to give him a look of aggravation. "You accused me of being a bed warmer for months and now you think it's relevant to ask if I'm into guys?"

Maybe that hadn't been the nicest move on his part, but Aaron was hardly going to apologize for the way they treated one another when Madison was still dealing. "Would you rather I asked if you had plans on fucking my boyfriend behind my back?"

The look of aggravation didn't go away. "No, I'm planning to fuck him in front of you. Fucking Mutts with possessive owners, that's my dream there. Right under you smothering me in my sleep. Thought about doing it right before exams, fyi. All my dreams come true." A pause, as if he was about to say something important and then, "Three birds. One Stone so to speak." 

It was aggressive and it shouldn't have made Aaron laugh but he was. Laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe because of the ridiculousness of it all. Eventually, the laughter gave way to coughing and there was a bottle of water being thrust in his face. He took it, wiping at his eyes idly before trying to take a swallow and calm his breathing. Madison was standing off to the side, rubbing at his eyes tiredly. 

"You know, for a while there I wondered how it worked- the two of you? But I get it now. You're both fucking weird."


	93. Chapter 93

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for a near miss on sexual assault in this chapter.

Lafayette's fingers tapped patterns along the steering wheel, eyes forward on the road, usually cheerful expression still absent.

Alex found himself missing it. "Do we have a deal?"

A quirk of an eyebrow. "And if I say no, ma cherie? Or worse, say yes but don't follow through? What then?"

Then Alex would have to come up with a different plan. But Alex was no planner and Lafayette knew this. Had to know that Alex didn't usually barter to get his way, didn't need to resort to manipulation. So he said nothing, tucking his knees into his chest as Lafayette drove them back to the dorms.

Both James' and Herc's cars were in the parking lot. Alex wondered if they were in their rooms, and if so if Laf would allow him to visit when they were through with what they came here to do. Despite what Lafayette seemed to think of him at the moment, he did hope it went well. Lafayette wasn't a bad driver, not necessarily, but when he slid into the parking spot- Alex jostled in his seat, cringing as the seat belt pressed against his chest.

Lafayette watched him for a moment, before climbing out of the car. "You should let me change those when we get back, little Alex."

No one but Hercules has seen his chest since everything happened. He wondered what he might say about the marking on his hip before shaking his head. That was the last thing he needed to think about, not when there were things to be done.

A gaggle of girls headed to dinner provided them the chance to slip in the front door of the dorm and he waved to Peggy as he passed the desk. She shot him a fond smile before turning back to whatever task she'd been working on before he came in. Behind him, Lafayette hummed.

Second floor meant it was easier to take the stairs rather than wait for an elevator. Alex wandered down the hallway before stopping in front of the appropriate door, three sharp knocks followed two harder ones. No response. 

"I have a key, but he really might not be in." It was said over his shoulder, to Lafayette.

Lafayette regarded him with a cool look, one that sent a shiver back down Alex's spine. He was reminded of their conversation earlier, back in the kitchen. Lafayette demanding that he fix this, that he had no idea what John did for him. There'd been no threat, not explicitly at least, but he'd been left with the feeling that the upperclassman would have no issue taking it out on Alex if John wouldn't come back. Frustrated, Alex had reminded himself. They were all frustrated and despite Laf's insistence that he didn't know, it wasn't as if he hadn't bared his throat to John hundreds of times over the years. Laf was just... frustrated and without his usual outlet. Alex would have been pissy too.

Alex stared at the key in his hand before unlocking the door. If Laurens wasn't in there, then Laf could explain to him later why they'd broken in this room.

John was, though, and Alex cringed when he saw him. Lying flat on his back, still wearing the same clothes he had been when he'd been at the house. Completely unreactive to the fact that two people had just walked into his room. Lafayette closed the door behind him and Alex walked forward carefully, reaching out to brush John's arm, to get his attention. So that he could try and apologize for whatever it was that had caused all this. Maybe try and figure out what John's issue with Madison was.

That was the plan at least. The act ended with him flat on his back, shoulder blades digging into the ground, Laurens' arm pressed against his chest. He had two thoughts. First, either Laurens had gotten faster or Alex had gotten slower in the weeks since they'd last fought. Second, if Laurens wasn't careful, he was going to end up with blood on his shirt. 

Both thoughts fled when John leaned down, warm breath ghosting across Alex's face. "Is this what you want?"

"No." No that was not what Alex wanted. 

A flash of confusion and then Laurens' knee was coming up between his legs and Alex couldn't even squirm to get away without risking freshly healed skin. "This?"

Hadn't he told Aaron once that he could trust John to never take it too far? Hadn't Aaron even commented that everything they did was give and take, consensual. Not this. Words caught in his throat and Alex shut his eyes, tried to relax into the floor. Slow his heart rate, disappear into that place he always did when Jefferson decided to be handsy. There was a flow to it, aware enough to stay alive, gone enough to not notice-

The knee was pressing against him, grinding up and Alex hadn't dissociated enough to prevent the sob from leaving him. Which was stupid, really, because didn't he know by now that crying only made things worse? Except instead of a slap to the face or a hand around his throat, everything was gone.

When he opened his eyes again, John was sitting on the floor next to him, looking green. Alex searched his brain for something to say but the spider webs were still there, trying to pull him under. He was tempted to let them. But that wouldn't be fixing this, wouldn't be upholding his own end of the deal.

Wouldn't be fair to John either, he realized belatedly. Pushed himself up enough to move, to lean against Laurens' side.

John tensed but didn't pull away. "I should have told you to fuck off."

Maybe. "Still can."

"Back then. Years ago. Should have told you to fuck off." It was disjointed and Alex wasn't sure if that was John's words or his own comprehension, but he knew he didn't like it.

Tried to search for words to make it better. Or to figure out what was happening. Alex shook his head to try and clear the cobwebs again. "We were friends." 

John snarled. "Were."

Oh.

The words still weren't coming. Fuck, when had that changed? Alex had been so happy when John announced what college he was going to, ecstatic that their dorms were so close. Remembered whining that John should have told him, that they could have requested a room together. He tried to remember when that changed. Couldn't pinpoint it. Couldn't pinpoint a lot from before Aaron found him. First semester felt like so long ago. 

"You saved me." From Jefferson. From himself- all those years ago. Though he wasn't sure John ever realized that, how much his friendship had meant to Alex. Alex threw it out there like a call for a life preserver. Remember, he wanted to say- remember when you cared about me. Things couldn't be that damaged between them. They couldn't.

Alex stared at the floor in front of him, still leaning against John, whose voice was rough with something Alex couldn't name. "I hurt you. You would have let me hurt you just then too. Should've told you to fuck off and then maybe no one would have needed to save you."

John couldn't really blame himself for Jefferson, could he? That was Alex's stupidity, and his alone. No one else's cross to bear there. 

"You never did anything without my consent." Never did anything that Alex didn't want. He'd stopped tonight. That was what mattered. Not how many times they punched each other. That they stopped when they needed to. 

John didn't say anything to that, and Alex wracked his brain for something else. Anything else. Whatever it was that would explain what happened to them.

There was a foggy memory, John telling him he wasn't welcome in his dorm anymore. Something was there, pressing against the side of his brain, insistent. But it was gone, a singular flash of John, voice low. Not what happened before, not what happened after. "You told me to go away. What happened that night?"

John didn't ask which night. "Supposed to meet up for dinner. Saw you in the main lobby, talking to Madison, just figured you'd meet me upstairs. You showed up alright. Three hours later high as a kite."

Alex shifted. Being late to dinner didn't exactly explain how bad things had gotten. But John wasn't done. "All I did was ask if you were alright. All I fucking did was care because you were fucking shaking and your pupils might as well have been gone. Know what you said to me?"

No. Alex wasn't sure he wanted to know anymore. Not with the way that John was staring at his own hands.

"That if I wasn't going to fuck you or choke you- that you had better things to do. and then, when I tried to argue with you... You told me that our mom's being dead didn't mean I got to pretend to be yours."

Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and oh look, we're circling back to addict themes.
> 
> I know I said... a lot of nasty things to some folks who didn't deserve it when I was an addict. When you're in that space?  
> ..... sometimes there's this headspace that everyone who wants to help you? is just doing it so that you'll owe them. where you don't want people's help because you haven't accepted that things are bad yet or that you should be bothered. And sometimes those friendships continue afterward... but are severely damaged. Alex basically told John that he was good for two things- and John aimed to please by being those two things ... and in the end they fit themselves into those roles for one another rather than address the hurt. and eventually, because that's what drugs will do to you- Alex forgot the conversation ever happened.
> 
> I'd always intended to come back to the themes of addiction ( the mention of Laurens telling Alex that he's not welcome in the dorm is in like chapter one... )
> 
> So there you go.
> 
> Why does John laurens hate Madison so much?  
> Because he blames him for losing Alex. Because he -needed- to externalize his anger and hurt in order to continue existing with Alex at all.


	94. Chapter 94

Class had been a nightmare.

Madison had texted him halfway through to let Aaron know that he was going over to 'Frenchies' later, and to offer a ride if Aaron wanted to go. Or at least, that's what he thought it said. Alex was right, his roommate needed to update to the 21st century and get a smartphone or at the very least something with a keypad. That way he wouldn't be stuck guessing what 'fnchs' meant. Either way, he couldn't think of anything else the man could be trying to tell him, so he was stuck assuming he meant the french man. The last thing he wanted to do was go to Lafayette's, but the chance of getting to see Alex was too tempting. Hopefully, the french fuck was planning on dragging James on some errand again and they'd be able to take a nap again.

Sleep was about the only thing he could think of. He'd even stopped earlier that morning to grab an energy drink from the market, cringing as he drank it. How Alex had managed to drink them so frequently, Aaron still wasn't sure. If this was going to continue he'd have to find a coffee drink or something that was more bearable. Hadn't he explained to Alex in the beginning how much he hated pretending caffeine was a substitute for sleep?

Of course, it didn't help that apparently someone had decided to gain the wrath of the professor and they'd ended up with a pop quiz on the reading. As if they were high school students. Aaron had scribbled out his answers as best he could, not bothering with his usual neat and evenly spaced lettering- no, he had wanted to finish and get out of there as fast as he could. James hadn't specified a time, but if he was coming on Lafayette's orders Aaron didn't want to risk being left behind.

Aaron had almost made it to the dorm when a hand circled his arm and he froze, stock still, until Angelica's face came into view. "Sorry, didn't realize you were so jumpy. I was actually just looking for you. The STD thing is next week, on Monday and I was wondering if well-"

Angelica was still talking, still saying words but Aaron was too busy trying to bring his heart rate back down. She should have known better, not to grab him like that. Except there was no reason for her to know other than the fact that they'd never been that touchy to begin with. Angelica had no way of knowing anything that happened, to him or to Alex or that charges weren't being pressed, or that he was suddenly facing the very real possibility that the devil himself was back on campus.

"Aaron? Hey, come here, let's sit down on the bench-" Angelica wasn't touching him, but her hands were close and he allowed himself to be led, sitting down and trying to ignore the way his head was spinning. He didn't need this. He needed to be on his way back to his room.

"Are you okay? You look like... I don't even know what to say you look like." Actually, she probably had a few choice comments but was holding them back to be polite.

Aaron shook his head, searched for an explanation. "Couple of rough days. Haven't been sleeping well."

It wasn't a lie, and honestly, it was as much of the truth as he could afford to give.

Angelica looked conflicted. "It'd be pointless to tell you that you can talk to me- wouldn't it? To remind you about decompressing and self-care?"

Community care was impossible without self-care, his brain supplied automatically. How seldom they actually put all those lessons to use. "I just need to lie down for a while. But I can do that later- what's going on?"

"I'm sorry. If I had realized how bad you were feeling I wouldn't have stopped you. It's not that big of a deal." Concern. It was strange to be on the receiving end of that.

Aaron rubbed at his face. "You said something about the STD thing I think? I haven't asked Alex... He's..."

Not well. Staying with a french psychopath and probably driving himself up the wall without anything to do during the day. Actually, if Alex was feeling up to it physically, maybe baking would be a good task for him. He'd seemed to like it before, and at least it would be something to do.

"I'll text you later today? I should be seeing him tonight. We've... been having a rough week but I think the distraction of baking would do him some good."

Angelica nodded, head tilted slightly to the side as she looked him over again. "Do you want my help getting back to your room?"

Even as she spoke, Angelica was in the process of standing. She extended a hand to him, and he took it gratefully, well aware that other than that brief touch of skin, that she kept her distance again. It made him want to apologize, that he hadn't meant to be so jumpy, that it was nothing personal. That it wasn't the touch, not really, but that he'd been startled. Instead he swiped his card at the door, giving her a grateful look when she followed him inside and toward the elevator, idly talking about what was happening at the center.

He paused in front of the door, smiled awkwardly. "This is my stop. Thanks for walking me back."

"Yes, well, whatever is going on wouldn't be helped by you blacking out on the sidewalk, " Angelica joked, and then, ever so slightly, held out her arm.

Aaron could have chosen to ignore it, taken it as her shifting or referencing his door, but when he stepped in, his suspicions were confirmed by her embrace. He allowed himself to return the hug, trying not to feel self-conscious about the height difference. If nothing else, he could blame it on the high heels she preferred, rather than another comment on just how little he really was. 

"Take a nap. I'll call you later if I don't hear from you. Not about Alex, just to check in- if that's okay?"

Aaron stepped back from the hug and nodded. "Okay."


	95. Chapter 95

Lafayette insisted on cleaning his chest when they made it back to the house.

Alex had sat in the back seat of the car, curled in on himself as he tried not to listen to their hushed arguing. Still catching the occasional bits. Laurens asking if Lafayette would have just let him do it. It most likely referring to hurting Alex. The truth was had it just been punches Alex might have accepted them. Maybe that was what they needed, to roll around on the floor like they used to, until they were both bloody and laughing. At least, that was how they'd solved the few arguments they'd gotten into in high school.

"Fuck," Alex whined as Laf rubbed disinfectant over his chest, pressure firm but nothing compared to the sting.

The hand steadying his hip tightened briefly, whether as a warning or an acknowledgement, Alex wasn't sure. "Stay still, little Alex."

There was no point in complaining that the man didn't understand what he felt like at the moment, so Alex bit down on his lip to try and keep still. It had worked pretty well, too, for the top of his chest. Which should have been the worst of it, considering that was the skin that had already been red and angry when they started. Pain he could deal with. Besides, maybe it'd make Lafayette less angry with him, if he got to hurt him. Not that he was even positive that Laf was angry. Excessively neutral, especially compared to his usual affectionate demeanor. But Alex wasn't stupid. He'd fucked up. It didn't matter that the fuck up had been months ago, before Laurens and Laf ever met. It didn't matter that he'd thought... He'd thought they'd been okay since then. Didn't remember saying it, still couldn't quite access that memory. Heaven only knew what he'd taken that night. But not remembering it didn't change anything. They both still had every right to hate him, and here he was still causing problems.

Alex watched. Dark hands moving down his chest, his own fingers digging into his forearms as Lafayette kneeled to better tend to the lower marks. It wasn't fair. He wanted to jerk away, he could handle this himself. Had been handling it when Hercules wasn't around. Lower still, and Alex had to look away. He hadn't even seen Aaron's hands on his stomach since everything happened, didn't want to see Laf's, complexion too close to Jefferson's to be comfortable. Didn't like how easy it was to overlap the image of Laf with the cotton ball and the knife. Didn't-

There was a fingernail pressing into his hip and he didn't have to look to know. Didn't have to focus on the way it dragged to recognize the letters. Alex had taken to making sure that area was covered when Hercules did the rest of his chest, and the one time Herc had commented that he thought there was something lower- he'd made a joke about Herc just wanting to get into his pants. It'd earned him a playful swat on the back of his head but the moment had passed and it hadn't been brought back up again.

"Laf, Please." Alex could barely recognize his own whine but if Lafayette didn't stop...

An intake of breath followed by the rustling of clothes as Laf pushed himself up to stand. Alex allowed himself to be pulled into the upper classman's chest, finally giving into the urge to sob openly as the man rubbed soothing circles on his back. It felt ridiculous to cry over this, but he was tired and he hurt and he wasn't with Aaron and he'd hurt John and Laf had been weird all day and the ands could go on and on and on. Too much, it was all too much.

"Infection will only make it scar worse, Mon Ami," Lafayette murmured, voice no longer distant but soft, as if Alex was a child, "If you cannot bear to clean it, I will. Or your Laurens."

"Your," Alex stressed the word, trying to keep his voice steady, "Laurens hates me."

Lafayette didn't respond for a moment, but he didn't pull away either, and Alex tried to focus on the way the hand rubbing his back felt. Tried to reassure himself that at least it meant that Laf didn't hate him, wasn't going to kick him out for being the worst.

"Ma chatonne, ma petite chatonne, John doesn't hate you." Lafayette said the words with such conviction, which was funny considering both of them had barely looked at him since John opened up about what happened, "People... do not like to be cast as monsters. You would do to remember that, in the future."

What had Aaron said? All those months ago? That he wouldn't be the knife that Alex used against himself. How many other people had he tried to turn into weapons and damaged in the process? Alex hadn't been trying to make John feel like a monster. Heaven knew he'd snapped at Aaron enough times when the man had decided to help him get clean, had purposely set out to make him uncomfortable on a regular basis even. But Aaron had... he'd made that choice. To stay. And he had no previous reference point, there had been no history there. Did John think that he'd always seen him that way?

There was a chill as Laf took a step back, and Alex allowed the man to grip his chin, to pull it up so that Alex was looking him in the eye. "You will be nice to our Laurens. You will take care of yourself and you will be nice. I will handle the rest, ma cherie."

Alex could do that. He could be nice. Alex nodded his understanding and Lafayette smiled at him, ruffling his hair before leaving the small bathroom.


	96. Chapter 96

Aaron had been almost sleeping for about an hour when Madison shoved his shoulder with a muttered, "Up, Sleeping Beauty."

Almost sleeping, because despite the fact that every nerve ending in his body was screaming for oblivion, he hadn't actually been able to drift off. Which meant he really, really didn't appreciate James' comment. "Are we on pet name terms now?"

Madison gave him half a shrug, watching as Aaron rolled out of bed to look for his shoes. "Mutt used to call me Hatter."

Hatter? That didn't... Aaron didn't want to try and figure out where that one came from. Especially since the used to implied that it was before Madison and Alex were actually friends. It was probably a drug reference of some sort, for all he knew.

"I think I'll keep to calling you James."

Aaron paused for a moment before grabbing his backpack and reaching for a small package he'd hidden beneath the bed and shoving it inside. James was waiting by the door for him when he pushed himself off the floor and they managed to leave without further fanfare. Lafayette was waiting for them when they pulled up to the house, and he raised an eyebrow at Aaron upon noticing him.

"Burr, Monsieur Madison," Lafayette drawled, "I am afraid you cannot go inside."

Couldn't go inside? Aaron went to argue before he realized that the last statement had specifically been directed at James, who shrugged. "You're the one who asked me to come."

Lafayette hummed. "You have unknowingly caused a great offense to Mon Amour. We will do our business elsewhere."

The look that Madison shot him might have meant 'if I don't come back in an hour, call the cops' or just 'this is your fault, you know', either way, Aaron nodded. So long as he was allowed to go inside and see Alex, he didn't particularly care. Well, he might if James really didn't come back. 

Probably.

"And you, Burr," Aaron titled his head to acknowledge that he knew Lafayette was speaking to him, "Should look at little Alex's wounds before you leave tonight."

It was a strange request, but Aaron nodded all the same before abandoning his roommate to the french fuck's tender care. Alex wasn't in the living room, or the kitchen, and it wasn't until he got to the spare bedroom that he found him. His boyfriend was curled up on the bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of him, cheeks red and puffy. At the sound of Aaron coming in, he sat up, rubbing at his face before reaching his arms out and whining.

What Aaron had done in his past life to deserve a boyfriend who acted like a literal child, he wasn't sure. And he couldn't even bother wasting much energy being annoyed by it because Alex had obviously been crying. It wasn't as if he had any major plan beyond finding Alex and cuddling him anyway. 

Once he was on the bed it was easy enough to pull Alex into his chest, and he pressed a kiss to the top of the head that buried itself there. A large part of him wanted to encourage Alex to lay down with him, that way they could both get some rest. But it was a selfish urge, considering the odd comment from Lafayette and how upset Alex had been when he came in. Better to wait it out and see whether or not Alex was going to say anything.

Thankfully, he didn't have to wait long. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Aaron responded, reaching up to pet Alex's hair, "Nothing at all."

"Hurt you." Alex whined, and Aaron felt the body against him start to shake again.

Aaron really wasn't awake enough to deal with this. "Alex, sweetheart, what happened? Why do you think you hurt me?"

Alex pulled back slightly, and Aaron rewarded the effort by wiping away the tears that had begun to form again. "Hurt John. Upset Laf. Fuck everything up."

Lafayette's comment to Madison repeated itself over in his head, but he couldn't seem to place something that would have hurt him and Laurens that dealt with Alex and Madison. The Lafayette part made sense at least. Aaron probed Alex again to explain, from the beginning and Alex did after a moment. So Aaron listened. Listened to the story of how Alex and Laurens had met, smiled at the mental image of 15-year-old Laurens befuddled by Alex's sudden decision they were friends. He'd probably looked at Alex the same way James had. But that wasn't the end of the story, so he kept listening as the story went from High school to college. To the strange collection of facts about Alex's college life before Aaron stepped in, raised an eyebrow at the fact that Lafayette had apparently gotten papers from Alex, cringed when Alex recounted what he'd said. Down to the fact that apparently Alex had no recollection at all, ignored the urge to ask Alex if he remembered the night they met, or if Alex's memory was all smudged watercolors. 

When the story ended, Aaron went to speak, only to be cut off by Alex's attempt at self-analyzing, and he stroked Alex's hair as the man blamed himself for getting hooked on drugs, for abandoning Laurens. For turning him into a monster. For making either of them believe Jefferson was their fault, didn't they understand that it was Alex's fault. That he'd been the one on drugs, he'd been the one who kept going back, who never cried out for help. How sorry he was for making Laurens feel like Jefferson, how sorry he was for ever trying to use Aaron to hurt himself. How he'd never meant to hurt them.

Finally, when it seemed that there were no more words to be said, he pulled Alex back into his chest, rocking the man carefully. "Shh, shhh, it's okay. It's okay. You didn't hurt me and it sounds like you can fix things with John. He stuck around, didn't he? He has a right to be upset, but he stayed."

Alex nodded, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of his shirt, and Aaron finally gave into the urge to roll so that they were both laying down. "Come on, we'll take a nap and then we'll talk about how you can be a bit better at the whole friendship thing. They'll forgive you. I'm sure of it."


	97. Chapter 97

"Angelica wanted to know if you'd be willing to bake some stuff for the STD event coming up."

Alex tilted his head back to look at Aaron, snorting when the action unintentionally ended with Aaron's hand and a bunch of his hair pressed against his forehead and nose. A small movement righted everything once more and he stuck his tongue up at the man. "I thought that already happened."

A finger flicked at Alex's tongue gently and he whined while Aaron responded, "So had I. But it's Monday and I know... You don't have to, but I thought you might enjoy having something to do."

It was better than staring at the ceiling or mindlessly trying to channel surf. Alex had his laptop, but no access to the internet. It was most likely an oversight, something Lafayette had forgotten to mention, but he didn't want to press. Already felt like enough of a burden. "I'll need supplies. Unless you picture Lafayette the type to spend his weekends in an apron making brownies."

"To fill with LSD and then give to unsuspecting freshman? Absolutely." 

Alex puffed out his cheeks, head tilting to the side even as Aaron continued to scratch it. "Can you put LSD in brownies?" He paused, thinking it over and then shook his head. "You could. It'd be a terrible idea, though."

The look Aaron sent him let him know that that was exactly the point. Which was ridiculous, really. Lafayette would never intentionally hurt a bunch of freshman for the giggles of it. Even if Alex was becoming increasingly aware that the upperclassman might consider it if he felt it necessary. LSD probably wasn't the way to go for either torture or information purposes, though. 

"I don't understand why the two of you can't get along." Fuck, he felt kind of bad whining about it, especially after having cried all over Aaron earlier, but it was true. For whatever reason the pair seemed to get under each other's skin and it was the last thing he needed at the moment. Especially with Laurens so upset with Mads.

Aaron shrugged and Alex nudged his knee with his nose. "Him calling you his kitten might have something to do with that." 

Oh god, had Aaron gone home and googled french translations? Or had he confronted Lafayette over text? "It's a term of endearment. He's teasing me- not being possessive."

There was a sound from the hallway, but Alex only caught a brief glimpse of John as he disappeared back into Lafayette's room. He rubbed at his face, trying to remind himself not to cry again. Crying wouldn't help anything, anything at all. The hand in his hair slipped away and then two hands were hooked under his arms and Alex allowed himself to be pulled up and onto the couch.

"Better not be. James is still full of it for thinking I'm possessive, but if anyone has a right to be, it's me." 

Mads had called Aaron possessive? "You don't call me nearly enough gross and affectionate things these days to be considered possessive." 

Aaron hummed, chin resting against Alex's shoulder now. "Is that what you want? For me to call you my princess?"

That was ridiculously unfair. Especially considering Alex had already told him that he liked being called Aaron's. When he didn't respond, the arm still around his middle squeezed him tight. "Does my good boy want to take a shower? Let me wash his hair for him?"

The idea of taking a shower sounded wonderful if not for one thing- the state of his chest. Aaron still hadn't seen any of it, and Lafayette had confirmed his rising suspicion that his hip was becoming infected. No, the last thing he needed was Aaron finding that out. Besides, he wasn't good. Not at all.

"Not good. Hurt John." Alex muttered, uncaring of how petulant he sounded.

Aaron's body behind his sagged. "Would you really rather talk about that? Than go and take a shower together?"

"We can't shower together in Lafayette's house." Alex defended.

"Lafayette's not here and there's more than one bathroom. Somehow, I don't think Laurens is going to be busting down the door to stop us." Even though he was arguing, it was clear from Aaron's tone that he knew he'd already lost the fight.

Still, Alex huffed. "It's the principle of the matter and besides, showering together is for good boys and I'm not one."

There was a string of muttered curses behind him, and then Aaron nodded, his forehead pressed against Alex's neck. "What's it going to take for you to be a little less self-deprecating?"

"John being my friend again." Alex chewed on his bottom lip, trying to think of an alternative just in case John wouldn't forgive him, but in the end, the idea of that was too painful and he just whined.

How had he managed to go so long without realizing that things were tense between them? Why had John even bothered to come and get him when he'd been taken? Alex had gotten so angry at him over the Aaron situation and yeah, maybe that hadn't been the best thing Laurens might have done- but he'd thought Alex had been hurt. Alex had said a terrible thing to him, apparently shoved him out of his life, and John had still shown up- not once, but twice. Well aware that his help wouldn't be appreciated the way it should have been.

And maybe he could use the drugs as an excuse while he had been on them, but after that? What had he done? Just continued to reinforce that that was all he thought of John. Fucked him until he couldn't stomach it anymore and then they'd stopped fighting hadn't they? And their dinners had gotten shorter and shorter, John running off to Laf and Alex back to Aaron. 

"Well," Aaron's voice brought him out of his train of thought, "What did you and John do when you were first friends? That seems like it might be a good place to start if you've already said you were sorry."


	98. Chapter 98

When Aaron woke up, his first instinct was to double check that he could still move his arms.

A move that didn't go unnoticed by Laurens, who watched the movement with unreadable eyes before shrugging. His eyes flickered down to where Alex was curled against Aaron's chest, frowning. "Bed."

"We're fine," Aaron muttered, doing his best not to disturb his boyfriend.

"Put him to bed." John repeated, "Or I will."

It didn't come off as threatening as he intended, but Aaron sighed anyway before pushing himself to sit, carefully rearranging Alex as he went. The two small naps he'd managed since arriving had taken the edge off of his exhaustion, but just barely, and he wasn't particularly in the mood to deal with Laurens preferred methods of communication. However, if talking to him meant things being easier on Alex, or even just figuring out where Lafayette kept dragging his roommate. It took him a few minutes to get Alex tucked into the guest bed, not to mention a kiss on the head and a half comment about needing to go to the bathroom. That Alex could go back to sleep, he'd be back soon.

It was a promise he hoped he'd be able to keep. 

John wasn't in the living room when he returned, and he glanced in the kitchen to find the freshman sitting at the table, coffee cup in hand. Tentatively he sat on the other side, waiting for the man to say whatever it was that he'd woken them up for. John didn't seem super interested in telling him though, swirling the liquid in his cup before taking a sip. 

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, John spoke. "Laf said I need to take you back to your dorm."

Aaron blinked, and for the first time he focused on the clock above the stove. Midnight. They'd been asleep a lot longer than he'd realized. "Where's Madison?"

Where had they gone that they weren't back yet? What in the hell was the french fuck up to? 

John shrugged. "He's got the dealer with him. Took his car or you could have just taken it back. Things got... Complicated."

Complicated. "Is Madison okay?" When John glared at him, he snapped, "I'm going to assume Lafayette is considering you've been in contact with him. I'm not slighting your precious- I just think he can handle himself."

That, at least, got a nod out of John as he took another drink of his coffee. Whether he was that thirsty, that slow of a talker, or trying to figure out what he was allowed to give away- Aaron wasn't sure. What he did know was that John knew something. Things that Aaron needed to know, like whether or not to expect his roommate back in a body bag.

Okay, maybe that was a bit overdramatic. But then again if someone had told him last year that he'd spend his sophomore year trying to get an addict sober and then trying to deal with the fact that his dealer had been an abusive monster... Aaron rubbed at his face, exhaustion making a full appearance again. Tried to bite back the urge to wish it all away. Alex was worth it. This might not have made it into his five-year plan, but then again, neither had the idea of dating at all. And as feisty as Alex had been in the beginning, as prone to mood swings as he still was, there'd never been a time in his life that he'd have thought he could have been friends with someone as sweet as Alex. 

Aaron let his head drop, appreciating the solid thud it made against the table and snorting at the hypocrisy. How many times had he stopped Alex from doing the exact same thing?

When he lifted his head, John was watching him warily. "They should be fine. Just complicated. You ready? I'd like to go back to sleep."

Aaron nodded, pushing himself up from the table and grabbing his backpack from the living room. For the most part, the car ride was silent, Aaron uninterested in pushing any further now that he knew everyone was safe. Or, at least he hoped that he could trust Laurens statement. 

They were almost back to the dorm when Aaron found it in him to speak again. "He's sorry, you know?"

The fingers on the wheel tensed. "Yeah."

There wasn't more that Aaron could say, not really. But it was true. Alex was sorry. And for the first time since Aaron had met him, he was sorry for something that was actually his doing. Not apologizing for breathing or being born, not apologizing for what someone else did for him. For being in the wrong place, or not fighting back enough. 

John parked, but when Aaron went to hit the handle, the door wasn't unlocked. He turned to look at the man, who was staring at him openly, brow furrowed. "You I can understand. But the dealer?"

This was not a conversation he was prepared to have. Aaron glanced at the ceiling, counting his breaths as he tried to figure out something adequate to say. Something that wouldn't further drive the stake between the two friends. "He punched Jefferson- and I think... after that... being in the room all the time we all became a package deal. Buy one get two free."

Laurens didn't react, head still tilted as if he didn't understand and Aaron tried again. "James. Because he's not a dealer anymore- James. James... has just been around more. I don't think Alex meant to make anyone feel like he was... choosing someone else over them. From what I've heard about the two of you... You were all each other had for a long time. But you've got Lafayette now, and he's got other friends. It's not going to be the same, but that doesn't mean that you two can't work this out. "

At that the man nodded and then unlocked the door. "Hope you get some sleep. You look like shit."

Aaron rolled his eyes as he climbed out of the car, but took it for what it was. "You too. You too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I swear Lafayette hasn't kidnapped Madison. I promise.


	99. Chapter 99

There was an arm around his waist, but when Alex went to snuggle back- he froze.

The body behind his was much too large to be Aaron's, but the room around him was still familiar. That was the thought he held on to. There was no way that he'd been taken again. There was no way that anyone had gotten into the house. He was at Lafayette's. It was probably John or Laf, confused about whose room they'd wandered into. Or maybe Alex had gotten up in the middle of the night to pee and ended up in the wrong bed himself. Alex rolled, as slowly as he could, onto his back, and groaned when the body that had been pressed against him unfolded and shifted just enough to cloak him. There was curly hair on his nose and a face in his neck, and he was still trying to figure out what was going on until the other man muttered, "Does Mon Amour want to play?"

Lafayette. The person laying on him was Lafayette. 

Alex tried to press up on the man, to try and make him get off, but instead Lafayette pinned him to the bed more pointedly, head raising to look down at him, blinking confused. "John?"

Except Alex wasn't John and that didn't seem to be registering to Lafayette- fuck, it might have been the lack of light in the room, but the man's pupils appeared to be blown. That would, at the very least, explain the strange tilt to his voice. What was he supposed to do? Alex hadn't been a match for John earlier, much less the much larger Lafayette. Calling for John might actually be his best course of action, Alex realized. No matter how upset the man might get over his boyfriend's lack of sobriety. 

"Laurens!" Alex shouted, followed by a muffled fuck as the motion resulted in Lafayette shifting again, still apparently not entirely convinced that Alex wasn't John. Which would get really, really bad, very very quickly if Alex knew anything about their sex life. That had been his and John's game hadn't it? Whoever could get the other pinned got to top? Did John and Laf play by the same rules? Did they have a safe word? What the hell was Alex supposed to say to make Lafayette stop if Laf thought he was John? And he did want Lafayette to stop, because the arm that wasn't holding him down was stroking his face in a manner that made him instinctively uncomfortable. 

Thankfully John appeared in the doorway, rubbing sleep from his eyes. It took him another moment to flick the light on- and yep, pupils definitely dilated, the fuck had Lafayette taken? Where the hell had he been? The last thing he remembered was Lafayette popping his head in the room to say that he'd be back around dinner and then Aaron coming over. Aaron, who had apparently left him at some point.

"Laf, sweetie," Laurens was stepping closer, slowly, and then he kneeled beside the bed as he spoke, "Let Alex go."

Alex swallowed at the soft endearment, quickly reminded himself that now was not the time to be jealous or nostalgiac. There would be time to hate himself for losing the gentler parts of their friendship later, preferably a time when he wasn't under the threat of being... he wasn't quite sure what Lafayette was up to at the moment. It would probably help if he had any idea what the man was on- but besides 'not uppers or opiates' and a vague idea that it wasn't a hallucinogen, he wasn't sure.

Lafayette's head tilted to look at Laurens and then back down to look at him, slow to process the fact that the man he thought he was pinning was actually beside him. John spared a moment to look at Alex, mouthing a 'the fuck?' before rolling his eyes when Alex could only shrug in response. Why did everyone think that he should be able to identify drug use from look alone? Being an addict didn't make him a mind reader. Or maybe Laurens was just expressing a general confusion over what was happening.

Heaven knew that was an appropriate reaction.

With Lafayette's attention on his boyfriend, Alex did his best to try and wiggle away again. This time, the Frenchman responded by pressing him down with one hand, reaching with the other one to hoist Laurens into the bed as well. Alex expected his friend to kick or struggle, to do something, but instead John allowed himself to be pulled, still shooting Alex dirty looks as he was pressed against Alex's side. Whether the looks were meant for Alex or a general distaste for the situation, again- Alex wasn't sure.

"Aren't you going to-" Alex began, only to be quietened by Laf pressing a finger to his lips, muttering 'be shhhhhh' now.

Laurens shook his head and made eye contact before pointedly looking at Alex's chest. Oh. There probably wasn't a way for Laurens to try and get Lafayette off of either of them without the possibility of the bigger man hurting him. Not even intentionally, just in the tangle of limbs that would undoubtedly follow a struggle. So what? They were stuck? 

Unable to help himself, Alex wiggled again, trying to get comfortable under the sprawl of limbs. That time Lafayette allowed it, but only barely and Laurens did his best to make it so that all three of them were comfortable. Or well, that Alex was comfortable as well. There wasn't exactly much that either of them could do about Laf considering he was the one trying to trap them on the bed with his body.

"I'm going to kill him," Laurens muttered after a moment.

Lafayette only hummed happily, pressing a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek. "Mon Amour."

Alex was just glad that it wasn't him that time, and he did his best to go back to sleep. There would be time to figure out what the hell Lafayette had been up to in the morning. Preferably once the man was sober enough to contribute to the conversation. 


	100. Chapter 100

Someone was jiggling the handle to Aaron's room.

Rather emphatically at that. Warily he pushed himself out of bed, ready to tell whoever it was that they had the wrong room. However the door opened just before he got to it, and Aaron stepped back to let James shuffle in. Alex would be pleased, there was no additional bruising or swelling on Madison's face and he didn't appear to be otherwise injured. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was nearing three in the morning, which meant that really, he should go and try and lay back down. It'd probably be easier to get some sleep now that he knew where Madison was, even if only a marginal bit.

But it was unlikely he'd get to sleep anyway. "You alright?"

Madison stared at Aaron as he sat on the bed to untie his shoes, waiting until he had both of them off before nodding slowly.

"Where have you been? You were gone for hours." Hours was actually underselling it a bit, they'd been gone all night. "Lafayette didn't do anything to you, did he?"

Aaron averted his gaze, Madison had gotten back up and crossed to his closet and was stripping off his shirt. The man probably wanted to go to bed. Luckily for him, Aaron was pretty sure that James didn't have any early morning classes. His earliest was either a noon or a three pm, meaning that even with the hour he'd be able to get a decent amount of sleep.

"You really don't get plausible deniability, do you?" Madison said after a moment.

No, he just didn't care about being able to deny being involved later. "I just want to make sure you aren't in over your head."

There was a sigh as Madison sat down on the bed, this time pushing himself so that he was sitting cross legged against the wall. "We met with a few drug dealers tonight. That's all. Frenchfry isn't making me do anything I'm not prepared to do. If anything, you should be concerned about him."

Aaron couldn't imagine a universe where he was more concerned about Lafayette than Madison. Maybe it was just the visual image they created, with Madison a clear foot shorter than the upperclassman. Or James' general skate through life mentality compared to the way that he'd seen Lafayette approach the Jefferson situation.

Madison took his raised eyebrow as a request for an explanation and he shrugged. "Boy was fucked up when I left him at his house. Like I said, we spent tonight with some... folks. Pretty much the people who are filling the gap that was left. Idiot assured me he could handle himself just fine."

The idea on Lafayette on drugs was a disconcerting one. The idea of Lafayette on drugs returning to a house with Alex bordered on horrifying. "So what? you met up with a bunch of dealers and decided to do drugs? To what purpose?"

Because there had to be. There had to be a reason why Lafayette was dragging Madison back through drug territory, especially considering how pissed off Laurens was at the man. The frenchman didn't exactly strike him as the type to enjoy mind altering substances, for much the same reasons that Aaron would never touch them. Not being fully in control of oneself wasn't on the top of his list of things to do.

"For fun, obviously," James muttered. "Frenchfry is trying to cut TJ off at the knees. However, you don't spend hours on hours with a group of dealers without taking something. Not if you don't want to be suspicious. And he seemed fine with everything when we talked about it beforehand, but the idiot has never done drugs before. Finished off two brownies- and when I told him to slow down, said they weren't affecting him. And they probably weren't at that point. I think he also took something from Jackson, a pill of some sort. When I asked him about it he just stuck his tongue out to prove it wasn't in his mouth."

Aaron tilted his head, unsure of how to process what was being said. "And he just... what? Shoved two of them in his mouth?"

"Honestly at this point I'm not counting out that he's just a stress eater in general." Now that was a thought. "He was just sort of.. eating and talking and I think it kind of hit him all at once. I'm just glad I was able to get us out of there soon after, because he seemed a lot more open to experimenting at that point."

Aaron was hit with the sudden mental image of Lafayette doing a line of cocaine and the bloodbath that would follow afterward. Probably for the best that it was a drug more known for giving people the munchies, if Lafayette really did have to take something to gain their trust.

James' comment about not wanting to be suspicious came back to Aaron. "What did you take?"

"Monroe knows my pleasure, that's all you need to know." Madison muttered, and having decided that the conversation was over, went to lay down on his back, pulling his blanket up to his chin.

"Have you been fucked up this whole time?" Aaron tried to think back, to try and place anything that would make him believe so- but came back with nothing.

But then again, Aaron didn't know much about drugs that didn't come from Alex. There'd been no shaking hands, no bright eyes or quick speech. James had clearly been exhausted when he'd walked in. Aaron had always just kind of assumed that Madison didn't take anything personally, didn't tamper with the product so that he could get the highest profit. Had he been using the whole time they'd been roommates? Had he stopped when he broke ways with Jefferson? Or had he been getting his supply from the same people he'd met with earlier?

"I don't want you near Alex when you're using," Aaron said into the darkness. "I can't control what you do... but he's come too far to be near people who have been using."

Madison just snorted. "Unlike you, he wouldn't have to ask if I'd used tonight. So don't worry about it. Mutt can handle himself better than you think he can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....  
>  I definitely don't have personal memories of someone in my dorm- even after being informed that the sweets in my bag were laced-  
> just eating them? like they were Normal.  
> and then being completely bewildered that they were affected because they Somehow Thought They Were Impervious To Drugs? Or that their size would mean they weren't bothered?  
> and like I wasn't going to argue because we were making a trade and who was I to judge.


	101. Chapter 101

When Alex woke up, Lafayette was gone but John was still there, back pressed against his stomach. Not wanting to continue invading on his space, Alex went to withdraw, only for his arm to be pulled back into place. Laurens murmured something into his pillow, what Alex wasn't sure, and Alex sighed before forcing himself to relax again. It was weird being the big spoon, but the least he could do was try and not disturb his friend's sleep. There would be time for more weirdness later. Eventually, he was lulled back to sleep by the gentle rising and falling of the body next to him.

The second time he woke up, Alex was alone.

It took him a moment to convince himself to get out of bed. After all, there was no pressing reason for him to do so, not beyond nature's call. No classes, no planned lunch with Aaron, just the possibility that his friends were still in the house and the promise of awkwardness if so. In the end, his bladder won over any anxiety of running into John again and he stopped to pull on a pair of jeans before making his way to the bathroom. He had every intention of going back to his room when he was through, but the sound of his name from the kitchen dragged him toward it.

They hadn't been calling him, though. Lafayette was balancing his chair on two legs, hands folded behind his head as he listened to whatever it was that John was saying. He smiled, looking far too amused considering the spot of color forming on his cheek. "Mon Amour, am I not allowed to cuddle with mon ami? It is not my fault he is so tiny and cute."

Alex took another step, and the Frenchman flashed him a smile in response though it appeared that John hadn't noticed him yet. John's fists were balled at his sides, clearly upset. "Do you not understand how fucking terrifying it had to be for him? Don't you think he's been through enough without you coming home high and pinning him to a bed?"

It should have been terrifying. It hadn't been. Mostly bewildering and confusing. But he can hear it in John's voice, the accusation thrown. That if Laf had tried to hurt him, Alex would have let him. And he wasn't exactly wrong, was he? Alex wrapped his arms around himself, looking down at the ground. He'd let Jefferson hurt him. And it wasn't as if Lafayette would have been aiming to do damage, he just thought Alex was John. That was all. If the upper classman had been interested in Alex, he could have had him back before Alex had met Aaron.  It was part of what made him safe. And unlike Aaron, Laf had wanted his brain, had wanted his skills. No car alarm anxiety there. 

Lafayette shrugged, putting his chair back on all four legs in a smooth motion. "Right now, he seems more afraid of you, no?"

John glanced over, freezing when he noticed Alex hovering in the doorway. "You're up."

"Should I go?" They only blinked at his question and Alex swallowed. "I mean, like right now. But I guess in general too. I know everyone is just trying to protect me but I've already caused enough problems for you."

Fuck he couldn't seem to stop talking, couldn't keep himself from apologizing. He was, he was being a burden and John was being ridiculously tolerant despite what he'd said and Lafayette was letting him stay in his home. Hadn't kicked him out even when John left. And to complicate things further, accepting their kindness was putting a strain on Aaron. And now Lafayette was doing drugs, and it probably had something to do with Alex- even if it had been for stress relief. The list of things that Alex was sorry about just kept on getting longer. 

There was a hand yanking his hair, pulling him up onto his tippy toes and Alex shut his mouth with a click, allowing his focus to be drawn to the bright pain of his scalp. A long moment passed by, and then John dropped his hold, stepping back and looking tired. "No one is asking you to apologize or to leave."

"I fucked up, though." Alex didn't elaborate, still aware of just how close John was standing, of how easy it would be for the man to pull his hair again. 

Lafayette was watching them, but John only had eyes for him. "Yeah. You did. The first time you let Madison give you drugs-"

There was something else, John was getting ready to rant, but that wasn't right. "Jefferson."

"What?"

Alex glanced away. "I fucked up the first time I let Jefferson give me drugs. I mean, I also fucked up the first time I let Jefferson do a lot of things- but the drugs seem to be what has you upset here."

John's hands balled into fists, and he spun on heel to look at Lafayette. "Remind me again why I'm not allowed to kill him?"

"I have no interest in conjugal visits, Mon Amour." The response was easy, as if it was obvious. As if Lafayette had murmured in John's ear more than once that murder was off the table because of what it would do to their sex lives. "Besides, who would take care of little Alex then?"

It took the second statement to reassure him that John hadn't been discussing killing him, and damn if that didn't make him feel worse. Laf regarded them both for a moment before humming, pushing himself back from the table.

"Speaking of which, little Alex must be hungry, yes?" Lafayette didn't wait for a response, instead gracing a smile at John. "Crepes?"

There was a tense moment and then John rolled his eyes. "Fine. But you're cleaning the dishes."


	102. Chapter 102

"You sure you're alright with this?"

Madison shrugged, setting the bag of groceries he'd been carrying down on the porch. "Honestly, I've got an essay to write. Tell the Mutt I said hi."

There was no reason to argue him, so Aaron waved goodbye before knocking on the door. Lafayette answered, curly hair framing his face as he poked his head out the door. If he was surprised to see Aaron there unannounced, he didn't say so. Instead, he smiled and stepped aside to let him in, rambling something half in french. When the man was going to realize that he was the only one in the room who spoke the language, Aaron wasn't sure.

Aaron paused as he took in the scene, doing his best to keep his face neutral even as Lafayette's arms dropped over his shoulders. He could feel the upper classman's chin on the top of his head, but he only raised an eyebrow at Alex, who was tucked beneath John's on the couch as they watched something about sharks on the screen. His boyfriend appeared half asleep, John's body was all hard angles, though. As if he wasn't used to having someone that close.

They hadn't been that uncomfortable two weeks ago. Aaron closed his eyes. What had Hercules said to him? Something about the fact that before Aaron, he had seen Alex other than check-in's. About missing him. Yes, Alex had messed up with what he'd said to Laurens. But how much of the blame fell on Aaron for not questioning how easy it was for him to walk in and completely commandeer all of Alex's time? It seemed unlikely that the pair didn't cuddle before he met Alex, even if it had come after fighting.

The body behind him shifted, reminding him of its existence, and he was pretty sure that was Lafayette rubbing one bearded cheek along the top of his head like a cat. Aaron opened his mouth, unsure of what complaint he could get away with making- but was cut off when the Frenchman spoke, "Mon Amour and Mon Ami, they shall learn to be nice yet."

Thankfully the comment caused Alex to look up, eyes still more closed than not as he yawned. "Laf?"

"Yes, Ma cherie?"

Alex's nose crinkled. "Let Aaron go. Please?"

Lafayette huffed, but he did step back and Aaron allowed himself to exhale before crossing the room to sit on the unoccupied part of the couch. Better to get away as soon as possible before the man decided to use him as a headrest again.

For his part, Lafayette shrugged, before taking residence in an unoccupied armchair, pouting in an overdone manner. "All alone. What have I done to deserve this?'

Aaron considered telling him that if he wanted to cuddle with someone- his boyfriend was right there, but John cut him off. "Came home high."

So Laurens knew about that. Alex stretched from his position, rolling so that he was on his back- legs across Aaron's lap and head on John's thigh. Laurens looked down at him, and Aaron wondered what that look was supposed to mean. Was he surprised that Alex hadn't immediately gone to curl up with Aaron? Was it the same look he'd given Alex dozens of times before, quietly warning him to keep the contact innocent?

Lafayette seemed displeased with the comeback. "I did what I must, Mon Amour. I do not understand why you are so upset?"

That seemed to be the final straw for John, who carefully displaced Alex from his lap before making a comment about going to the gym. Lafayette watched him leave before exhaling, still determined to be as theatrical as possible apparently. After a moment he left, stopping only to pat Aaron on the head with a comment about the two of them not doing anything he wouldn't do.

Having lost his place to lay, Alex moved again, this time putting his head in Aaron's lap. Aaron smiled down at him fondly, poking the puffed up cheeks of his boyfriend.

"They'll be fine. They'll beat each other up and then have sex."

Aaron hummed. "I wasn't actually worried about them. Though I do think that reducing their relationship to fighting and sex is something you'd like to stay away from if you're trying to be nice to John."

Alex puffed out his cheeks again, shaking his head. "They made crepes this morning. Laf washed the dishes because John told him to."

"Crepes, chores, and questionable sex practices- what a beautiful relationship," Aaron said.

"Enforced sobriety, daddy jokes, and sitting on me. That's a much better way to have a relationship," Alex snarked in return, though his tone was at least partially joking. 

Okay, maybe Aaron didn't have a right to judge. Though he would have gone with Good Boy over the daddy joke thing in regards to describing their relationship. "You forgot head pets. There's a fair bit of that in there too."

"Mmm," Alex made a sound of agreement. "Not enough questionable sex practices, though. That's one place we could learn from them." 

And then. "Shit, Sorry. I promised I'd be better about that, didn't I? I swear I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable- I totally understand-"

Hadn't they already had this conversation? Back at the cabin? Except they'd done things since then. Sure, maybe not as far as Alex would have liked- but he had seemed to enjoy it at the time. Hadn't complained too much. And sure, they hadn't done anything since that handjob but Alex had been taken. Aaron was trying to be sensitive. Alex was still rambling and Aaron focused back in on his boyfriend's words long enough to be sent reeling again. That time in an entirely different direction.

"Wait- what? Who told you that I was a virgin?"

Alex finally stopped talking, olive skin flushed red. "You aren't?"

It had to be a bad joke from Lafayette. To couple the one he'd made a week before about Aaron taking Alex to bed. There was no way that Aaron was going to justify his previous sex life, though. "No, Alex. Just no."

"I just... With the whole slow thing... and Herc reminded me that you only came out when you started dating me and I just figured... and the whole sleeping together thing without sleeping together..."

A part of Aaron, a small part ruled by ego, wished he could be suave. Make a joke about showing Alex just how much of a non-virgin he was. But Aaron wasn't suave, and he wasn't that reckless either. 

"Alex. While you are probably more experienced-" Aaron hesitated on the word, unsure that he wanted to go that route knowing what he did about some of Alex's history. "than I am- I am by no means a virgin. With any gender. I am, however, extremely uncomfortable with having this conversation in the French fuck's house considering he could come home at any time."

Alex nodded, and Aaron stroked the side of his face in quiet thanks. 

"Can you not call him the French fuck, though?" Alex asked after a moment. "He's promised to stop calling you little. I think he even managed to be nice today."

Somehow, Aaron had a feeling that Lafayette's definition of 'nice' was different than his. 


	103. Chapter 103

[From: Mads  
8:32 AM

mrng  
wlcm  
gng b2bed.]

Alex grinned, resisting the urge to tap out another response. Madison had said good morning before telling him he was going back to bed, and really, that should be rewarded. Much better than the 'fck off' he'd been expecting. Occasionally Madison could be bothered to text full words, but it seemed the more comfortable he got with the idea of them being friends, the more that got thrown out the window. It kind of made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Instead, Alex sat his phone down on the counter, glancing around the kitchen. The groceries that Madison and Aaron had bought him sat on the other side of the oven, beckoning him to start baking. He hadn't meant to wake up that early, not really, but Laurens and Lafayette had woken him up with their morning ritual and it'd seemed pointless to stay in bed. Better to face the day ahead of him. Aaron hadn't clarified how much he was supposed to bake, but there was enough sugar and flour there for at least a few batches of cupcakes and it seemed unlikely that Angelica would turn down an excessive amount of baked goods.

Laptop on the counter, Alex pulled up two things. The saved list of recipes he'd made almost a month earlier and iTunes. Whenever Lafayette was around, the house tended to be filled with the weirdest mix of classical music and what sounded like french rap and Alex was kind of grateful for the opportunity to listen to something for himself.

 _'you said I could leave you lonely in a crowded room, just by smiling bright at everyone but you- and I'm embarrassed to confess it, but it all rings true. You said that charm of mine was easy to abuse'_ Alex sang as he pulled the rest of the ingredients out of the fridge, measuring out his amounts the best he could. 

 _'I want to shake you, I'd prefer that you were angry with me.'_ He sang as he mixed dry and wet ingredients together.

 _'You said if we were careful, that we could do this all our lives. But one of us got clumsy and both of us got wise and now we're not so young, seems our wishing wells gone dry.'_ As he pushed the baking tin into the oven.

If he timed it right, he could even go ahead and start making a new batch to put in the oven before that one was done. Batches would need to cool before icing was put on them anyway, and he didn't think he'd seen confectioners sugar in the bags on the counter. Alex would probably need to text Mads later or maybe even Lafayette to grab that. But that could wait. 

Alex froze as he noticed the figure leaning in the doorway, but John only raised an eyebrow at being seen. "You cut the kite string."

That line wasn't from the song that was playing. Alex knew that for a fact, he'd deleted it from his library soon after he started using. He hadn't expected it to ever ring so true, but it'd felt uncomfortable even then. Alex swallowed, crossed to pause his music before looking at John again.

"I thought you'd already left," he supplied uselessly. 

John shrugged. "Laf decided to study at the library. Not my thing."

"You could have told me to be quiet."

Another shrug as John walked into the kitchen, grabbing an orange from the fruit bowl on the table. "And what- miss the chance to see if you'd unironically sing about missing a friend who is on drugs?"

Alex glanced toward the timer, another eight minutes before he needed to pull that batch out. He didn't need to start mixing yet, but it would give him something to do with his hands.

"I like Dessa," he defended as if that really addressed what John had said. 

"You like Dessa when you're being angsty- you mean." Which was true. Had always been true.

The only problem with making the mix beforehand was that he didn't actually have another cupcake pan to start pouring it into. "I don't know what you want me to say. I already said I was sorry."

"So did I. In fact, I seem to remember apologizing repeatedly and you not so much as looking at me until Lafayette was carrying your bloody carcass out of that house."

Too far. But John didn't seem to be aiming for a low blow so much as stating the facts. "You said you didn't want me to leave or apologize yesterday. Because I will- either of them, both of them. But I can't make us even on that front. One, I really hope you're never in that situation and Two, I'm not as strong as you. Never was."

"I didn't beat you in every fight." 

Also a fact. One that had nothing to do with either of their strengths. "Only because I played dirty and kissed you in the middle of them."

Two more minutes until he had to remove the pan from the oven. 

Not one to be sidetracked, John continued,"I didn't mean to hurt Burr that night. I thought someone had hurt you and he seemed the most likely candidate."

One more minute. "You could have talked to me."

John snorted. "Because that went so well for me the first time."

Alex snagged the oven mitts from the drawer, pulling out the pan and setting it on the counter. "I fucked up. I should never have said that to you and I shouldn't have behaved in a way that made you think that was all you were worth."

Because Alex didn't need to have it spelled out in three different languages. Didn't need Lafayette's commentary on monsters haunting him or Aaron's subtle reminders.  He'd taken his only friend, the one person who had stuck with him for years, and reduced him to a way to get rid of the buzzing. 

The apology didn't make John look any happier, just more resigned. "Just glad Burr's better than me. Nice to have you sober again."

Alex frowned, moving around John to snag a fork so that he could pull the cupcakes out of the pan. "Burr wasn't better than you- he just kept trying. I called him Daddy the first time and honestly, quite frequently after that."

There was a sound of disgust to his side, but Alex didn't look over. "Didn't need to know that about your sex life, man."

"Not like that." Alex sighed.  "To piss him off. Told him if he wasn't going to fuck me or  have me write papers for him- that he could fuck off. Or something along those lines."

Laurens handed him a handful of cupcake liners to place in the pan he'd just cleared. "You let him help, though."

"He threatened to tell Herc if I didn't let him. He asked if he should get you- one night, when the shakes got bad." Alex kept his eyes on the pan. "I freaked on him. He'd just heard me talk about you- thought you'd be able to help. I didn't want to be a disappointment. I'm so tired of being a disappointment."

Alex poured batter into each cup, placed the still warm pan back in the oven. It had seemed so obvious back then, to not let Aaron get anyone else involved. But maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad if Alex had let him finish that phone call to Hercules. Except, then Aaron and Alex wouldn't be dating. Probably.

Silence settled around them, even after Alex had set the timer again. Which was fine. They'd figure it out eventually, the being nice to each other thing. In the meantime, Alex would just have to get used to the weird silences.

Silence or not, John helped with the next batch and before he left he knocked shoulders with Alex awkwardly. "Laf mentioned you might be going back to campus tomorrow. Just in case I forget to say it- good luck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tonight i stepped into a time machine and it was 2011 and song fics were a thing again.  
> also I wanted into this chapter thinking it was going to be a cute moment before John and Alex and instead they decided to Communicate.


	104. Chapter 104

Laurens wasn't home. Lafayette had texted Aaron to make sure he knew when it was safe to bring Madison over and fetch Alex. It was a strange dance, one that Madison was taking with a stranger sense of humor. It hadn't been until the man made a joke about drug dealers being used to needing to go unseen that Aaron dropped the subject. It was exhausting enough trying to remember all the pieces on Alex's plate without making trouble where apparently there was none.

"Hamilton know we're here or?" Madison said after a moment, eyes locked on the house in front of them.

Before Aaron could shrug, Alex stepped out of the house, glancing helplessly toward the door. Aaron raised an eyebrow but got out of the car to meet him.

"I uh, am going to need help bringing everything out? Laf thankfully had some boxes laying around but I might have gotten a bit carried away." Alex said sheepishly.

A bit carried away turned out to be seven dozen cupcakes spread out between four different boxes. Though, perhaps the most surprising part was the lack of disaster in the kitchen. Even knowing that Alex had gotten most of his baking done the day before, Aaron was more than aware of his boyfriend's habits- including the less attractive ones like his utter lack of interest in cleaning up after himself. Either Lafayette had done it himself or the man held some sort of inhuman sway when it came to getting Alex to do things.

Madison raised an eyebrow at the boxes as they climbed back into the car. "Mutt."

"Good morning to you too, Mads. Thanks for picking me up," Alex's tone was bright as he clicked his seatbelt.

"Chauffering for the weirdest couple on campus. What I live for."

Aaron reached across the seat to take Alex's hand. If James wanted to complain about their weird coupleness, then there was no reason not to. There was a tight squeeze of his hand and for the first time Aaron realized how nervous Alex looked. Bottom lip caught between his teeth, eyes glancing between Mads, the road, and their hands- but never his face.

Did Alex even want to go back to campus? "We can still drop you off back at Lafayette's."

They could turn around. Alex didn't have to do this, not today. There would be other days to fight his demons. While Aaron still wasn't pleased to be kept away from Alex- that problem was already almost solved- without Alex ever having to think about coming back to school grounds. They didn't have to be in the dorms to sleep together, after all. And taking time to heal was what the psych leave was all about, wasn't it? 

"No," it came after a long pause, "I know you've got classes but you said you talked to Herc?"

"Mulligan and Angelica both. She doesn't know what's going on- but she does have the table shift for the time period that either of us won't be there. And you've got your phone back- so there's no excuse for not reaching out to me, Lafayette or Laurens if you get too anxious."

Alex nodded and Aaron squeezed his hand again. "Herc has an appointment scheduled for you this afternoon- with one of the therapists. Said he's a good guy- bit weird, but he helped his brother. If you don't like him, that's okay. Washington's already got your paperwork ready for the leave- all you've got to do is sign it and then you don't have to step foot back on this campus until you're ready."

What Hercules had done to pull that, Aaron hadn't asked. Suspected it had something to do with a vested interest from Washington himself, but Aaron knew better to ask about the RD's involvement. Alex was already too antsy about people making special exceptions for him.

From the driver's side, Madison made a noise of annoyance. "I can hang with the Mutt too, or am I just good for driving Ms. Daisy?"

Aaron searched for an explanation beyond 'I wasn't sure if you'd be annoyed if I asked for more favors' but Alex saved him the trouble. "Are you going to take me for a walk? Walks are good for mutts."

"Don't make it weird," James said- but his voice was tinged with too much fondness to be truly annoyed.

"You should know by now not to open the door if you didn't want him to make it weird," Aaron said. "Honestly, you're lucky it wasn't a sex joke."

Alex thankfully kept his mouth shut there, didn't fill in the blank with all the sex jokes he could have made as they pulled into the familiar parking space. It took him a moment to actually get out of the car, but Aaron just leaned against the side of the car patiently as he waited. He nodded at the sight of Hercules coming out of Alex's dorm. It was probably overkill to have him there, especially if Madison was serious about tagging along, but Alex would probably appreciate the reassurance.

"Jesus, Alex, did you make enough cupcakes?" Hercules said as he grabbed two of the boxes, balancing them on each other.

Alex grabbed one box as he finally got out of the car, shaking his head. "I could have made more but icing takes a lot of sugar."

"Take your word for it. Angelica will be happy to see these, though."

It was enough to get them all in motion, even as Madison grabbed the last box out of the car before swiping the one that Alex was carrying as well. Alex smiled at him gratefully before grabbing Aaron's hand. Aaron would have to leave soon, go to class. But it was comforting to know that he was leaving Alex in capable hands, with people who cared about him. 


	105. Chapter 105

Hercules left soon after Aaron did, cursing and apologizing as he did. Something about an emergency back at the dorm, nothing to be too concerned about- but he needed to deal with it.  That had been almost an hour ago. Since then a fair number of Alex's cupcakes had been swiped from the table by the small groups of students that came through. It almost made Alex feel better to notice that only one or two people had come alone. 

"He'll be back soon."

Alex hummed as he leaned back against Madison's chest as they sat against the wall, watching people mill about the room. "If it makes you feel better, I'll probably be anxious when he gets here too. I just..."

Didn't want to be on campus, not really. It had seemed so simple when they made the plans. Alex would come to campus with his cupcakes, he would hang out at the STD booth while everyone had classes and at the end of the day? He'd meet with Washington in order to get his leave of absence squared away. It made him nauseous, thinking about leaving school, but considering the last time he'd even attended classes- it wasn't as if he had other options. Not really.

Madison didn't comment on the trail off. "You getting tested today?"

"I'm not dirty." It sounded defensive, even to him.

Alex wasn't actually sure what his issue with getting tested was, other than the fact that everyone kept asking him. And only him. Wasn't sure what bothered him more, the idea that they were concerned what he might have contracted on his own, or the fact that they might be asking because of what happened. It didn't take Angelica talking about the consequences of going untested to remind him of that. And she didn't even know what had happened- at least, Alex didn't think she did. 

The arm around his shoulder gave him a squeeze. "Don't let the tall one hear you say that. I'm pretty sure she's already given three speeches about how that creates stigma."

Angelica had. Pursed lips, hands on her lips as she lectured that the tests weren't to see if people were 'clean'. After all, the only thing that could tell that was whether or not they'd showered recently. That all the tests were for was to see if people were STD free. And not even all of them. Last year, Angelica had told him earlier, they'd only been testing for HIV, but they'd managed to swing a partnership this year. But the tests still only covered what could be checked with a cheek swab.

The other man tried again. "Get tested with Aaron. Y'all swap spit often enough, might as well give some to the cause."

Three more students left, stickers on their shirts and cupcakes in hand. "If you're so invested- why don't you get tested?"

Alex felt, more than saw the shrug.

"I'm pretty sure I don't have an STD." And in a moment of honesty that Alex hadn't expected, Madison followed with, "I've never kissed someone that wasn't family. So let's save the kits for those it might make a difference."

Alex was still trying to figure out how to process that information when a voice startled them. "That's actually a common misconception. One of the ways that herpes is often spread is from family members to small children.  That's why it's important that everyone get tested."

The woman in front of them was pretty. Long dark hair was pulled up in a sloppy bun, and despite having been eavesdropping, she had some of the kindest eyes that Alex had seen in a while. A kindness that seemed generalized, versus the special kind of pity that made his stomach ache. Alex took in the light blue uniform, before nodding- accepting that she was probably one of the volunteers here to do the testing. Across the room, Angelica looked up, smiling widely as she realized who was there.

In a flash, Angelica was beside them. "Alex, James- this is Eliza- my sister. She's an RN at the local clinic."

"It's nice to meet you," Eliza said, reaching down to shake their hands. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, James. Sometimes I can't help myself."

Mads twitched, and Alex gave him a soft bump with his shoulder. "Don't mind him too much. He's just here to keep me company. I uh-"

Hadn't been to campus in a while. Couldn't be trusted not to wander off with people who he knew would hurt him. Didn't do well alone. Was a mutt without a leash so physical contact was basically the only way to keep him in one place. 

"Alex made the cupcakes that we're giving out to those who get tested. They're simply fabulous- you'll have to try one." Angelica filled in. "Now let's get you settled at the table. I really do want to thank you for taking time out of your schedule to come here."

Eliza gave them one last wave before Angelica ushered her away- still talking, and Alex twisted to look at Mads. "You heard the nurse-lady, you should get tested. We can do it together."

"Don't you think you should do it with your boyfriend? It's his status you should be concerned about." Madison deflected, looking uncomfortable with the focus being put back on him.

"Are you implying that I don't care about your health, Mads?" Alex searched his memory for some of the things Angelica had said earlier. "Don't you know that some STD's are asymptomatic? You could become infertile before you ever realize!"

Madison raised both eyebrows, looking distinctly unimpressed with Alex's commentary. "Fine." And then, lest he was seen as too complacent- "But only because I want to try one of those cupcakes."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't checked out 'Clueless' by Wind_ryder yet- you are missing out on some adorable Laf/Laurens material.


	106. Chapter 106

Alex was sleeping with Madison.

More specifically, he was sleeping on James, head stuck at what had to be an uncomfortable angle on James' shoulder as the man read through his notebook. Aaron paused in the doorway, looking over the pair. Turned over their previous conversation in his head, about Aaron being possessive. It was ridiculous really, considering the lack of jealousy in his stomach at the sight. No, if Aaron was actually possessive, he'd have felt annoyed or jealous at the image before him.

The only thing he felt was ridiculous fondness at his drooling boyfriend. Aaron shifted his backpack off of his shoulders, dropped it against the wall before walking close enough to press his foot against one of James' shoes. The man looked up sharply, only relaxing when he realized who it was. Madison sat his notebook to the side before using his free arm to ruffle Alex's hair until the man in question groaned.

"Up, Mutt."

Alex whined and Aaron shook his head, moving to sit on his other side. If Alex wanted to sleep through the day, then Aaron wasn't going to stop him. James carefully pushed Alex to the side, shaking his head fondly when the man went easily, laying up with his head on Aaron's thigh once James had stood up and cleared the space where his feet needed to go. Gently, Aaron stroked his chest, before raising an eyebrow up at Madison when he noticed the sticker there. Sure enough, Madison had one too, and he shrugged when he noticed the direction of Aaron's gaze.

"I told him to go with you, but he insisted." Aaron knew how that could be. "Apparently he is extremely invested in me one day having children."

"Gonorrhea can be asym-asymp- not show symptoms and cause infertility if left untreated," Alex protested from his lap. "I just think everyone should be safe."

The hair under his fingers was soft as he stroked it. "I'm so proud of you for being able to read Angelica's board. She worked very hard on it."

Something struck him, and he glanced back at James. "Don't you have class right now?"

A shrug. "Started thirty minutes ago."

Madison didn't skip class. Aaron had watched the man go to class after spending nine hours puking. Aaron did his best not to miss, did his best to study- but even before... It'd been all the man had done when he wasn't out dealing. He'd once witnessed an argument between Jefferson and James because James refused to skip his final class of the week to go on a trip.

In fact, the only other time Aaron remembered James missing a day was when he'd claimed to have a headache right after everything had happened. So that Alex wouldn't be alone in the dorm.

Aaron knew the man felt some sort of guilt over everything that had happened- but did he feel that bad about what had happened? Enough to skip, this close to exams, as to not disturb Alex's sleep?

Before Aaron could voice any of the thoughts in his head, Madison pointedly tipped his chin toward the door where Lafayette and Laurens were coming in. "That will be my exit. Y'all have my number if you need me. Bye Mutt."

"Bye Mads." Alex cracked his neck, and upon seeing the reason why James had left so suddenly, went to get himself up.

Not quick enough, because Lafayette hooked two hands under his armpits, physically pulling Alex to his feet and into a hug. " Ma chérie, how has your project been received?"

"No one has died yet," Alex joked, and then more seriously, "Everyone seems to like them."

It wasn't until Aaron stood up that Lafayette settled Alex more firmly on the ground. "Ah, Aaron, my friend."

Lafayette didn't pick him up, thankfully, but the hug was more than slightly uncomfortable and Aaron wasn't afraid to own up to the fact that he put his arm firmly around Alex's waist afterward. Anchoring them together, at least, meant the french man would have to try harder to grab either of them.

"John? Gilbert?" A feminine voice called out, and Aaron looked up to see a woman in a blue nurse's uniform walking towards them.

"Eliza, ma sauveuse, How are we this beautiful day?" Lafayette called to the woman cheerfully.

By his side, Alex gave a small wave before whispering in Aaron's ear who the woman was. His first assessment of her uniform had been right, apparently she worked as a nurse at a local clinic and had been there most of the day to share information about STDs.

"Wonderful," Eliza answered him as she joined their small group, settling a hand on John's shoulder as she looked him and Lafayette over, "And how are my favorite boys? I haven't seen you two in a bit."

Lafayette frowned, a similar expression to the overdone pout he'd had the night John had left the house. "No time for fun." He reached over to pat Alex's cheek. "Too busy taking care of ma chatonne over here."

Simultaneously, Aaron observed three things. A significant look that passed from Lafayette to Alex, who promptly curled into his side- as well as a strange expression on Eliza's face.

Before he could question either of the first two, Eliza had turned to speak to Alex. "Alex, right?" She waited for Alex to nod before continuing, "Angelica said you were Aaron's boyfriend? Or are you-"

"I'm a boy and yes I'm dating Aaron." Alex leaned his head against Aaron's shoulder, shooting Lafayette an unhappy look. "Laf just does that because he's mean and likes to pick on me about my size."

The frenchman only smiled. "Out of love, mon ami, out of love."

Eliza nodded. "I just wanted to make sure that I got your pronouns correct, I would have hated for us to have been misgendering you."

Maybe she'd be able to get that through Lafayette's head. Alex thanked her for her consideration, and Aaron groaned as he noticed the time. "As nice as it has been to meet you, Eliza- I'm afraid we've got to run. Alex and I have a meeting we need to attend."


	107. Chapter 107

"I am sorry that Hercules can't be with us, Alexander," Washington said as they walked into the office. "But the end of the year can be quite stressful and a situation arose that needed his handling. But please, do make yourselves comfortable."

It wasn't that he'd never seen Washington before- after all, they lived in the same building. It was just that there was a difference between catching a glimpse of the man as he walked down the halls and actually sitting on the other side of the desk from him. The RD shuffled around some papers, before spreading them out on the desk when he got them in the order he wanted.

Washington circled various points as he spoke, "You'll need to sign at the x's. This shows that you understand the terms of the leave, son. After six months you will be allowed to petition for your return; though you will need both a professional's approval and to demonstrate what you've learned."

Would it be a practical demonstration? Was Alex supposed to stand in front of a jury of his peers and go over whatever it was that the therapist was supposed to have taught him? Or would it be an essay- one he could probably write in advance. Could probably write already if given a few hours and the internet. How hard could it be to bullshit a paper about being in a better place and learning breathing exercises? What all did they really expect him to learn in six months?

Wait. "Six months?" That meant the soonest he'd be able to come back would be spring semester.

"Six months." Washington nodded. "Though, if you find you aren't ready to come back just yet- we have been known to hold spots for up to two years."

A hand settled on his shoulder and Alex swallowed, leaned into Aaron's touch. Two years. There was no way that he could take two years off. As was, he was mostly dealing with needing to take time off by not thinking about it at all. He'd have to apply for new scholarships, have to prove himself again most likely- but it was hard to talk to Aaron about that. Aaron just tended to make blanket statements about how they'd deal with it when they got there, or how he could handle it. Alex hadn't directly broached the subject of just how much money the man had, but he was more than aware that college was expensive. There was a huge difference between a week trip to the mountains and Aaron implying that he could handle tuition. A huge difference.

But that was an argument for another time. A time where Washington wasn't staring down at him over the rim of his glasses. Alex reached across the desk to take the pen he was being offered, stared at it before swallowing. There wasn't a choice, not really. Sign the papers and accept not coming back fall semester or fail his current semester. He'd worked too hard to fail. He'd worked so hard. It hadn't mattered. Had to make the right decision.

Another nod as Alex finished putting his signature on every page, and he stared blankly as large hands collected them into a pile, setting them to the side of the desk. Stared blankly at the large envelope he was handed, something about his copy. There were other words being said at him, but Alex couldn't find it in him to focus long enough to hear them. Aaron would tell him later if it was important.

The hand on his shoulder squeezed, and Alex stood up, shook Washington's outstretched hand as he murmured his goodbyes before walking out. His room would need to be emptied, what little was left inside of it anyway. For the most part, everything had already migrated to Aaron's or Laf's- and the fact that he hadn't missed any of it so far... It'd probably be easier to throw it all away. Double check that he didn't have any rental textbooks left and then get rid of the rest.

Probably should see if someone on the floor had a vacuum. Herc was off doing... Whatever it was he was doing... but he'd be around later to do the room check. Alex fumbled for his key before leaning against the wall as Aaron unlocked the door. When had he given Aaron his key?

It didn't matter. Wouldn't be his key for long anyway.

Alex opened the closet, searching for the giant trash bags Herc had given him as a joke at Christmas. Something about recycling all the energy drink cans. A hand caught his shoulder, pulled him backward.

Aaron looked concerned.

Silly, really. Alex was fine. He was just trying to get the room clean so that he could give his key back to the school. So that he could go back to Laf's until god only knew when. To the uncomfortable silence with Laurens. To Lafayette alternating between trying to encourage them to fix things and doing his best to aggravate Aaron without making it obvious that was his goal. And then to turn around and whine that it was unfair that Aaron didn't trust him.

Alex blinked, feeling unsteady as Aaron stroked his cheeks, tried to focus in to see if the man was speaking. "alright. It's alright. Proud of you. It's okay to cry-"

Oh. That's why Aaron was touching his face.

When had he started crying? In Washington's office? In the hallway? While Aaron fiddled with the door?

Alex shook his head, let Aaron guide him to sit down as he tried to focus on what the man was saying again. "-to cancel. You're in no state to meet someone right now."

More words. Alex watched as Aaron tapped something out on his phone. Took the hand that was offered. Cast a confused glance at the door as Aaron led him away before shrugging. Decided to follow Aaron because it made his head hurt less to just go with the flow. There'd be time to worry about where they were going later.


	108. Chapter 108

[From: The French Fuck  
4:32 PM

You owe me ;) ;) ;)]

The part of Aaron that thrived on being in control thought about clarifying the terms. There was a vague image in his head of shovels, ropes, and the trunk of Lafayette's car that wouldn't stop flashing like a warning sign. But this was Alex's friend. And he was probably joking. Probably. Aaron tapped back his response, couldn't resist the urge to tag the end of it with 'honored to be your obed. servant'. Rolled his eyes at the almost instant response.

Someone really needed to talk to that man about abusing emoticons. Someone not Aaron, as they would undoubtedly only get more numerous and explicit if he was the one to say anything about it. 

Alex stumbled in his steps beside him and Aaron shoved his phone back in his pocket and wrapped his arm more securely around the man's waist. The text could have waited, probably should have, but he'd wanted to make sure he had a handle on the situation. That Lafayette and Laurens wouldn't be opposed to cleaning Alex's room while Aaron tended to him. Would have been willing to do it himself if he'd thought Alex would have been fine sitting on the bed. But he'd looked so lost leaving Washington's office, and the room had only seemed to make things worse.

For not the first time, Aaron found himself ridiculously grateful that their dorms were so close. He swiped his id through the scanner, mindful to not jostle Alex too much in the process. Stopped in the elevator to wipe his face again, trying not to cringe at the blank look Alex gave him in return.

They'd known this would be hard. Not that Alex had said that much of it- but they'd known. Especially considering the amount of weight that Alex had put on his brain and what he could give with his body. Aaron couldn't imagine how he'd feel if he'd been put in a similar situation.

Madison wasn't in the room when they got there. Aaron wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not. On one hand, the fewer people that saw Alex like this the better. On the other- it would have been nice to have someone around and Alex seemed to trust James. Probably wouldn't mind having him there. Might even appreciate the extra company when he pulled out of whatever other world he'd disappeared too.

Carefully Aaron directed Alex to the bed before laying down himself. It took some rearranging, but eventually Alex was half curled around his chest.

"It's going to be okay, you know." Aaron began, unsure that Alex was even listening. "It's going to be okay. Hercules really seems to think this therapist can help you. And I know things are overwhelming right now- but you've got so many people on your side right now. Mulligan complained that you don't talk to him enough, again. Angelica really liked your cupcakes today, and her sisters are both really nice too. I might take a page from Eliza's book and start calling Lafayette Gilbert."

Aaron paused there, waiting to see if Alex would complain, and sighed softly when there was no response. "Thank you for saying something to him about the little thing. I'll try to get over the touching thing, especially considering it doesn't seem like he's touching me more than he does anyone else. It's just... you said it yourself- I don't touch many people that aren't you. I let Ang give me a hug the other day."

Alex rubbed his cheek against Aaron's chest. "Yeah, I thought you would like that. We should do a lunch date with her sometime. I'm going to regret saying this, but we could even go on a double date with that dynamic duo of yours. I know things are tough right now with John, but despite everything that's happened- he showed up for you in some really big ways. You've just got to put in the effort now to show that you care about him too- as a person."

"Do," Alex said, the first real response that he'd given since they'd arrived.

Aaron rubbed his back. "I know. But he went a very long time thinking you didn't. We can all go on a picnic or something- okay?"

"Okay."

From there Alex didn't really respond much, though he was obviously more present than he had been previously. Which was fine, the man needed time to think and Aaron had no problem continuing to ramble on. Suggesting things that they could do over the summer, places they might go. Occasionally Alex would rub his cheek against Aaron's chest again, at the mention of going to an art museum, or checking out a local soda shop. It was enough. They could make real plans later, talk about real things later. For the moment it was enough to just hold him.

The sound of the door opening grabbed Aaron's attention though Alex didn't bother looking up. James didn't look tired so much as entirely exhausted. Worn out. Before Aaron could ask if he was okay, the man held up an opened envelope.

"You should read this."

Something about the look on his face made Aaron nod and nudge Alex up until the man was sitting on his own. Alex went willingly when James reached for him, didn't say anything as the letter was dropped on Aaron's lap. Followed James with only a slightly less blank expression as the man walked them backwards to his own bed, pulling Alex to his side as he sat down. Alex curled against his side, much as he had earlier that day and Aaron shot him a smile before focusing on the letter that had been given to him. 


	109. Chapter 109

Mads had a water bottle. Which wasn't strange really, except apparently he'd been staring at it long enough that Mads had decided he wanted it. Alex blinked and opened his mouth to say no, he was fine- but then there was water in his mouth and he had no choice but to swallow. His mouth felt wet, and he tipped his head to rub his face into the shoulder of Mads' hoodie to show his displeasure. Reeled back when Mads poked his forehead in response.

Asshole.

Aaron was still reading the letter, corner of his mouth twitching as he did. When he finally turned it over, he looked up. "What do you think?"

James shrugged and Alex looked between them with growing interest. "Thought it might be a good thing?"

A good thing didn't explain the look on Aaron's face. Alex blinked, reached for the water bottle so that he could take another swig. Tried to use the coolness of it to bring him a little further into the moment. 

"You know him better than me. Is he being sincere?" 

Alex turned his head to focus on Madison, who seemed to be considering the question. When he didn't answer quick enough, Alex looked at Aaron instead. "Is who being sincere?"

There was that twitch again, poorly disguised... something. The arm around his waist tightened its hold, even before Aaron made the decision to answer him. "Jefferson. Apparently he's in something like NA now. Decided to make his apologies- starting with Madison."

Nausea built in his stomach at the name. Alex wasn't sure he'd heard it at all since everything had happened- had only used it himself a handful of times. Which was ridiculous, really. It wasn't as if saying what had happened would summon the man. Wasn't as if Alex was able to forget, not with the marks still on his chest. Not with his hip still angry and inflamed. 

"Wouldn't put it past him to be using it as an excuse to get back under my skin," Madison said after a moment. 

Alex frowned. "How could it be a good thing then?"

"The return address." As if that were an answer. Madison didn't elaborate further until Aaron picked up the envelope to check what he was referencing. "Googled it earlier. It's a facility on the West Coast. Willing to bet if Daddy's willing to pay to have him shipped there for rehab..."

Jefferson was in rehab. Alex turned that thought over in his mind. On the complete opposite end of the country. He was supposed to feel relieved. To be excited that that the man was too far away to touch him. To find him again. But Alex didn't feel relieved, he felt angry. Aaron filled in where Madison trailed off- if Jefferson was at a legitimate facility, chances were his parents were footing the bill. Chances were they'd stepped in. Chances were Jefferson would be finishing his degree elsewhere. 

Chances were his parents assumed the worst thing about him was a cocaine problem. Or worse, he'd woven them a pretty little story about being attacked and never explained why. Chances were his parents were taking care of everything. Making sure that he got help, making sure that he stayed away from drugs and bad influences. Jefferson was from the south, so it wasn't even like he could justify it as Jefferson going home. No. It was just Jefferson having adults in his life who cared enough to want him to be okay. Who had the money and the resources to pay for rehab. Who wanted to see him better, help him get away from his demons.

Alex wanted to write them a letter. Send them a picture of his hip with their son's initials carved into it. Of his chest. Wanted to write about everything he'd made him do. Wanted to write nothing but 'I wouldn't scream for him.' 

Wanted them to know that Jefferson didn't need help getting clean from coke. Didn't need help getting away from the demons. Wouldn't be able to get away from the monsters because he was one.

Madison's grip tightened again. "Do you want me to count?"

Counting didn't make sense in context. Didn't make sense out of context. Alex wasn't a child stamping his feet and refusing to get in the bathtub. Madison wasn't his mother standing with crossed arms as she told him to get in bed or else.

"In-two-three-four. Out-two-three-four." Oh- breathing. 

Alex did his best to smile. "Thanks but I think that only works if the person is panicking."

"Oh." James looked a little lost. "Sorry."

"Do you want to talk about it or do you want us to let you be?"

Aaron's voice was closer than expected, and Alex blinked when he realized the man had gotten off his own bed and was standing in front of them. He hovered there for a moment before moving to sit on Alex's other side.

"You two can talk." Not quite an answer, but it was as much of one as Alex felt like giving as he moved to press the side of his face against Aaron's shoulder. It wasn't the world's most comfortable position- but Alex wasn't going to complain. 

Silence settled over them for what felt like a long moment to Alex. He'd almost made a joke about what they talked about before he came around before Aaron spoke, "Was it just the letter or?"

Madison hadn't known what he'd meant. Said as such. 

Aaron clarified, "You looked like death coming in and considering we saw you a few hours ago... Didn't know if anything else had happened."

The fingers on Alex's side were moving, tapping out a quiet beat. "Eh. Part of it I guess. Talked to Monroe. Probably the rest of it."

Alex tensed, twisted in James' hold as much as he could. "You don't need to talk to Monroe."

Not a question. There was absolutely nothing good that could come from talking to dealers again. Even if most of them weren't as bad as Jefferson. 

Mads raised an eyebrow in response. "If I promise it wasn't to score, will you chill out? I don't want you to worry your pretty little head over me."

"Only if you tell me why you were talking to him." It was petulant. Alex knew he was being ridiculous. He had no claim over James, no right to demand that the man open up about who he'd been talking to. But Mads was his friend.

"He's got a room open." At Alex's blank look, Mads sighed and continued, "I'm not living on campus next year and honestly, I'd forgotten that I was planning on living with Jefferson until the letter came in. That's not happening anymore, for obvious reasons. 'roe's roommate is moving out."

"And you think living with a different dealer is a good idea?" 

It was a terrible idea, and James had to realize that. Did, if the look on his face meant anything. Or maybe that was in reaction to Alex naming Monroe as a dealer in front of Aaron. 

"Most people already know where they're living next year and I'd rather room with someone I know." Alex didn't say anything and Madison rolled his eyes. "What do you want me to do? Ask frenchfry if he'd let me rent the other bedroom in his murder house? Sure that would go over well with the boyfriend."

If Alex and John had been on better terms, Alex would have argued that it was better than living with a drug dealer. That James was getting sober himself, the last thing he needed was easy supply. But John and Alex weren't on better terms and it wasn't fair to ask anything else of him.

Behind him, Aaron sighed. "You could have asked."

Madison didn't verbally respond, though the look of confusion was apparent on his face.

Not that it stopped Aaron. "I've got a two bedroom for next year. The other room was supposed to be for Alex but I don't think he'd mind sharing one with me."

James worried his bottom lip, eyes flickering between them. "If the Mutt doesn't mind."

Alex didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  
> does that feel like an ending?  
> do I need to write another chapter?  
> or can I just move on to the sequel about found families and trauma healing?  
> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
> 
> anyway- wow, it's been a ride? it's been a ride. Thank you all so much for sticking with me through it. Y'all have been a blast.  
> If at any point in reading this fic- especially the later parts- you asked yourself  
> 'What if Aaron and Alex broke up and Alex became a thing with Lafayette/Laurens' my friends- that fic exists. You do have to hit me up on tumblr off anon in order to access to it because when it comes to consent I am more Burr than ... Lafayette and Laurens. Not that it's not consensual just.. there's a reason Burr says no in the beginning. It's a lot less plot- a lot more sin. and a lot of Alex in dresses.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Monsters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6000070) by [goingbadly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goingbadly/pseuds/goingbadly)
  * [Everything He Ever Wanted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6117202) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [Letting Go](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6082101) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [Clueless](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6180920) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [Taking Any Hit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6217309) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [Misunderstandings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6224020) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [C'est la vie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6580834) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)
  * [We Oughta Give it A Try](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6736945) by [Wind_Ryder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wind_Ryder/pseuds/Wind_Ryder)




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